Two weeks to go and DS is shooting himself in the foot!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't let him fail. I would tell him he's not leaving the house until it's done. And hand over your phone while we're at it. His behavior affects you and your money, too. So he better get it done or suffer the consequences. By the way maybe it's time for a job.

Totally agree! Don't get 2 weeks out from the end, all he's worked for the past 4+ years to let it all go. He will likely be a different, more mature person in 10 months when it all matters - actually going off to college and the start of his future. He could be ready and get excited for college between now and then Looking back you won't be able to forgive yourself for giving up,on him now.

Oh are you naive. The overall drop out rate for university is 45%! The OP's son is showcasing CLASSIC characteristics of a future drop out. These are OBVIOUS signs but look at everyone in this thread telling her to ignore the OBVIOUS signs. She's about to waste a MASSIVE sum of money!

[Anonymous]

1. Is the OP's son mature? No.
2. Is the OP's son a self starter? No.
3. Does the OP's son display the grit required to succeed at college? No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. Is the OP's son mature? No.
2. Is the OP's son a self starter? No.
3. Does the OP's son display the grit required to succeed at college? No.

Yet some parents on this thread say their kids acted like this when they were applying to college, yet when they got to college, they did very well. Perhaps some kids need more help getting there than others. Kids mature at different rates.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The dynamic may be better with your DH being a go between. I know I tend to translate my internal angst into an outward verbal display and the kid just shuts down immediately. I thought I was urging action and providing support but my DD thought I was pressuring her. It could be your son is excited about the ideal of going off to college, yet is getting tripped up in the reality of going. Do whatever it takes to get him there, but hand holding is definitely part of the process. While I know finances are part of the conversation, you may want to downplay that aspect for now. He knows it's about money, do the work on the applications and hopefully the money will come. Parents tend to know the full implication of financial strain but kids can see it as a mysterious threat.

OP again. Thanks for this post. I wonder if he feels I'm pressuring him, strangely, because I've never pressed him about grades or getting into a "good" college. I want him to go to a college where he'll be happy, but we have to be able to afford it. That's why DS's ingratitude irks me so. DH has already spoken with him about finances. I think it whizzed in one ear and out the other. DS seems to have no understanding about how much money college costs. We've always paid for his sports equipment and sneakers and gas for the car. At some level, he must believe we'll cover college costs too, despite the fact that we tell him we can't. I'm trying to breathe...breathe... and let DH handle things for now.

[Anonymous]

I think everything they hear from us, and our intensity, feels like pressure on them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. Is the OP's son mature? No.
2. Is the OP's son a self starter? No.
3. Does the OP's son display the grit required to succeed at college? No.

Yet some parents on this thread say their kids acted like this when they were applying to college, yet when they got to college, they did very well. Perhaps some kids need more help getting there than others. Kids mature at different rates.

Yeah, only because everyone is quick on the draw for the good stories. 45% of kids are failing out of college, yet barely a peep from parents with bums on their couch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't let him fail. I would tell him he's not leaving the house until it's done. And hand over your phone while we're at it. His behavior affects you and your money, too. So he better get it done or suffer the consequences. By the way maybe it's time for a job.

Totally agree! Don't get 2 weeks out from the end, all he's worked for the past 4+ years to let it all go. He will likely be a different, more mature person in 10 months when it all matters - actually going off to college and the start of his future. He could be ready and get excited for college between now and then Looking back you won't be able to forgive yourself for giving up,on him now.

Oh are you naive. The overall drop out rate for university is 45%! The OP's son is showcasing CLASSIC characteristics of a future drop out. These are OBVIOUS signs but look at everyone in this thread telling her to ignore the OBVIOUS signs. She's about to waste a MASSIVE sum of money!

For someone on the internet who's never met OP or her son you sure sound like you've got it all figured out. Just shut it if you've nothing constructive to add here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. Is the OP's son mature? No.
2. Is the OP's son a self starter? No.
3. Does the OP's son display the grit required to succeed at college? No.

Yet some parents on this thread say their kids acted like this when they were applying to college, yet when they got to college, they did very well. Perhaps some kids need more help getting there than others. Kids mature at different rates.

Yeah, only because everyone is quick on the draw for the good stories. 45% of kids are failing out of college, yet barely a peep from parents with bums on their couch.

The OPs son is mature enough, and enough of a self-starter, to have gotten very good grades and test scores in HS. It's not clear to my why you or other posters have any reason to believe that he won't continue on this same trajectory and do well in college. As others have said, some kids freak out during the application process and it has no bearing on how they do once they get there.

Does this 45% figure you cite (from what source??) include a large number of kids who were high achievers in high school?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't let him fail. I would tell him he's not leaving the house until it's done. And hand over your phone while we're at it. His behavior affects you and your money, too. So he better get it done or suffer the consequences. By the way maybe it's time for a job.

Totally agree! Don't get 2 weeks out from the end, all he's worked for the past 4+ years to let it all go. He will likely be a different, more mature person in 10 months when it all matters - actually going off to college and the start of his future. He could be ready and get excited for college between now and then Looking back you won't be able to forgive yourself for giving up,on him now.

Oh are you naive. The overall drop out rate for university is 45%! The OP's son is showcasing CLASSIC characteristics of a future drop out. These are OBVIOUS signs but look at everyone in this thread telling her to ignore the OBVIOUS signs. She's about to waste a MASSIVE sum of money!

I think you have to take a more nuanced look at attrition rates. You need to look at the schools OP's son is considering. Look at that attrition rate.

Students don't come back for their sophomore years for many reasons including financial, family problems, not studying, partying, wrong school fit and lot of other reasons. The attrition rate is not 45% for students all because they didn't study and dropped out.

Kids do change and mature. What he is like now may be totally different in a year. Encourage him to finish his apps, but be open to a planned gap year.

Check the attrition rate at the schools he is looking at. Some colleges are more involved in first year orientation and do more to be responsive to incoming students' needs.

http://colleges.usnews.rankingsandreviews.com/best-colleges/rankings/national-universities/freshmen-least-most-likely-return

[Anonymous]

For the love of God stop enabling your children! You are doing them and the world NO favors.

[Anonymous]

I have 2 boys who have successfully attended college and graduated in 4 years ( without going to summer school) and my DH and I helped with applications. The kids wrote the essays and we navigated every school's website and nuances (sending SAT score etc). My kids went to selective schools so there were very few common app only schools. Do any of you realize some schools can have 7-8 additional essays in addition to the common app? The application process is nuts and very time consuming. Many of you will balk a this, but my kids each applied to 12 schools. When you are looking for merit and selective schools, it is imperative that you cast a wide net. This board is very quick to shout Community College and gap year. Disregard and help him. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have 2 boys who have successfully attended college and graduated in 4 years ( without going to summer school) and my DH and I helped with applications. The kids wrote the essays and we navigated every school's website and nuances (sending SAT score etc). My kids went to selective schools so there were very few common app only schools. Do any of you realize some schools can have 7-8 additional essays in addition to the common app? The application process is nuts and very time consuming. Many of you will balk a this, but my kids each applied to 12 schools. When you are looking for merit and selective schools, it is imperative that you cast a wide net. This board is very quick to shout Community College and gap year. Disregard and help him. Good luck.

Will you be writing his homework and finding jobs for him as well?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have 2 boys who have successfully attended college and graduated in 4 years ( without going to summer school) and my DH and I helped with applications. The kids wrote the essays and we navigated every school's website and nuances (sending SAT score etc). My kids went to selective schools so there were very few common app only schools. Do any of you realize some schools can have 7-8 additional essays in addition to the common app? The application process is nuts and very time consuming. Many of you will balk a this, but my kids each applied to 12 schools. When you are looking for merit and selective schools, it is imperative that you cast a wide net. This board is very quick to shout Community College and gap year. Disregard and help him. Good luck.

If you're looking for merit money, the schools aren't even selective and it's pretty straight forward where you're going to get the most money. Sounds like you're just a bored SAHM who was living through your kids during the admissions process. No need for a dozen apps - especially if the kids didn't have the time to process them themselves.

[Anonymous]

How many schools is he applying to? maybe he is applying to too many and he is completely ovewhelmed. I would say to have him apply to no more than five and that's it. If he doesn't get in anywhere, he will go to community college. That's not the end of the world. Maybe that's what he needs to gain maturity and care where he goes to school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for saying this! This is exactly how I feel. Only I'm carrying a cursing, snarling, nasty SOB over the finish line who is fighting me every step of the way!! And he's heavy!! I have the wounds (psychic ones) to prove it! I got DH to sit down with him last night and go over his applications. I cancelled an interview I was going to take him to -- I'm not subjecting myself to more abuse from him on the drive, and have him act indifferent when we get there! The colleges do say interviews are important, but why bother if he's not going to show his best face (and he has one, but he doesn't show it to me).

Okay, that just doesn't sound like the usual teenage moodiness or anxiety that many show.