How to politely deal with BF's ex-wife?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Since your boyfriend is dealing with everything, I don't understand what the problem is that you need advice on.

I am just trying to stop devious behavior and comments like: "you're setting a bad example for our child by letting your GF sleep over...." and "why are your GFs stuff is in the house". Hmmm.....the answer is always: "with all do respect this is his/our house and our relationship is none of your business."

OP, I'm a stepmom. Usually sympathetic to crazy ex complaints. But these comments by the ex seem pretty normal and also totally her business since you are a stranger sleeping over at her daughter's house. How long have you been dating him? Why do you sleep over? Or do you live there? Why would you sleep over at a child's house when you are not married? If you have child with this man and he divorces you, are you gonna automatically be okay with the next woman who sleeps over at his house while your child is there?

Another stepmom and ex-wife - I would NOT have been ok with a girlfriend sleeping over with my young kids in the house. My parenting agreement had a no-cohabitation clause. My DH's had the same. (Our kids are grown now) No members of the opposite sex were allowed to spend the night when the children were present unless they were family members. I would have been LIVID had my ex-husband had girlfriends spending the night when he had the kids.

Purely curious and not in any way trying to pick a fight: would this have applied if you or your ex would have married again? I'm assuming no, but just wondering.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Since your boyfriend is dealing with everything, I don't understand what the problem is that you need advice on.

I am just trying to stop devious behavior and comments like: "you're setting a bad example for our child by letting your GF sleep over...." and "why are your GFs stuff is in the house". Hmmm.....the answer is always: "with all do respect this is his/our house and our relationship is none of your business."

OP, I'm a stepmom. Usually sympathetic to crazy ex complaints. But these comments by the ex seem pretty normal and also totally her business since you are a stranger sleeping over at her daughter's house. How long have you been dating him? Why do you sleep over? Or do you live there? Why would you sleep over at a child's house when you are not married? If you have child with this man and he divorces you, are you gonna automatically be okay with the next woman who sleeps over at his house while your child is there?

Another stepmom and ex-wife - I would NOT have been ok with a girlfriend sleeping over with my young kids in the house. My parenting agreement had a no-cohabitation clause. My DH's had the same. (Our kids are grown now) No members of the opposite sex were allowed to spend the night when the children were present unless they were family members. I would have been LIVID had my ex-husband had girlfriends spending the night when he had the kids.

Purely curious and not in any way trying to pick a fight: would this have applied if you or your ex would have married again? I'm assuming no, but just wondering.

No. Note the - "unless they were family members". A wife would be a family member.

We both remarried. And honestly, I really didn't care once my ex-husband was engaged. The kids got to know her very well over year that they dated and the six months that they were engaged. They love her. And I can see why - She is a wonderful person. I was fine once I knew she was going to be his wife and my kids' step-mother. But just a girlfriend? No way.

[Anonymous]

Maybe OP is engaged to be engaged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you guys engaged or not? I'm married but if I was divorced I may also have issues with exH's "girlfriend" sleeping over. It's not necessarily personal against you. It could be ANY girlfriend.

We're not engaged, but will be getting married soon. We're a little older--36-48 age range, so we're skipping the whole engagement process. The ex didn't have issues with previous GsF, but I am a permanent fixture. She told her child that she never wants her child to have a stepmother.

-op

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is probably 24. I think the title of the book you want is "No one's the Bitch."

BTW, I'm a custodial mom. The vast majority of us don't give girlfriends, fiancées, subsequent wives, thots, Tinder swipes, or crushes of the week any thought beyond "Is my child safe around this person?"

For most stepmoms, especially those of us who are married to men with primary custody, it's the same. As long as the kids are safe, I could care less what she thinks, does, or says. It would be wonderful if we could all have a great relationship. It is possible - I get along great with my ex and his wife. I think she is a wonderful stepmother and my kids are very, very lucky to have her in their lives. My DH and my ex get along. We feel that kids can't have too many people to love and support them. However, my DH's ex-wife doesn't agree. She made it very clear from the beginning that she didn't want any relationship at all with me. That's her right. I let it go. I focus on my DH and our children.

You sound like a great/reasonable mom that only wants best for your children. Unfortunately, I am dealing with an very different case.

-op

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Since your boyfriend is dealing with everything, I don't understand what the problem is that you need advice on.

I am just trying to stop devious behavior and comments like: "you're setting a bad example for our child by letting your GF sleep over...." and "why are your GFs stuff is in the house". Hmmm.....the answer is always: "with all do respect this is his/our house and our relationship is none of your business."

You cannot stop or change her behavior. Your BF is handling it, as he should. Let it go. You can't control how she acts. Ask your BF to stop showing you her texts if they upset you. Don't follow her on facebook, etc. Just disengage. Otherwise you will make drama and misery for everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you guys engaged or not? I'm married but if I was divorced I may also have issues with exH's "girlfriend" sleeping over. It's not necessarily personal against you. It could be ANY girlfriend.

We're not engaged, but will be getting married soon. We're a little older--36-48 age range, so we're skipping the whole engagement process. The ex didn't have issues with previous GsF, but I am a permanent fixture. She told her child that she never wants her child to have a stepmother.

-op

OP, your boyfriend's ex probably doesn't view you as a permanent fixture - because you're NOT engaged. You're getting married "soon"? Have you set a date? If you have discussed marriage and agreed to marry, you are engaged, whether you have a flashy ring or not. I didn't have an engagement ring and was married 3 months after we decided we were going to marry. Just because I never got a huge deal proposal and a ring doesn't mean that I wasn't engaged for those 3 months.

I would imagine that your boyfriend's ex sees that and is concerned that her ex is playing house with the temp of the week, while her daughter lives there. In that situation, as a mom, I would be concerned that my child was becoming attached to someone who was not likely to stick around. I would be concerned that my ex was introducing drama into my child's life. I would be concerned that my child was spending a lot of time with someone I didn't know anything about.

My ex is remarried to someone who doesn't like me. She's never made a secret of it. We aren't friends and we aren't gonna be friends. We never did the getting-to-know-you coffee either. My ex was the one who brought my daughter back from weekends at their house, and I was pretty annoyed when she moved in and he never told me. I found out from my 4 year old, which is not a good coparenting strategy. Men have a tendency to nest-in with their "new family" to encourage a bond. It's nice - sweet, even - but if you're the other parent in that situation, it feels an awful lot like an attempt to erase you. Even the most secure person isn't gonna be great at dealing with that.

As for how to handle this woman, you stick to your company manners. You continue to be kind and generous toward your boyfriend's daughter. You build your relationship, and if you interact with her, keep it civil and pleasant. Let go of the text messages, or have your boyfriend stop referring to you as "girlfriend" and start referring to you as "fiancee" if that's what you actually are. If not, well, figure out what the hell IS going on with him, since that's a bigger deal than his ex-wife texting him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you guys engaged or not? I'm married but if I was divorced I may also have issues with exH's "girlfriend" sleeping over. It's not necessarily personal against you. It could be ANY girlfriend.

We're not engaged, but will be getting married soon. We're a little older--36-48 age range, so we're skipping the whole engagement process. The ex didn't have issues with previous GsF, but I am a permanent fixture. She told her child that she never wants her child to have a stepmother.

-op

OP, your boyfriend's ex probably doesn't view you as a permanent fixture - because you're NOT engaged. You're getting married "soon"? Have you set a date? If you have discussed marriage and agreed to marry, you are engaged, whether you have a flashy ring or not. I didn't have an engagement ring and was married 3 months after we decided we were going to marry. Just because I never got a huge deal proposal and a ring doesn't mean that I wasn't engaged for those 3 months.

I would imagine that your boyfriend's ex sees that and is concerned that her ex is playing house with the temp of the week, while her daughter lives there. In that situation, as a mom, I would be concerned that my child was becoming attached to someone who was not likely to stick around. I would be concerned that my ex was introducing drama into my child's life. I would be concerned that my child was spending a lot of time with someone I didn't know anything about.

My ex is remarried to someone who doesn't like me. She's never made a secret of it. We aren't friends and we aren't gonna be friends. We never did the getting-to-know-you coffee either. My ex was the one who brought my daughter back from weekends at their house, and I was pretty annoyed when she moved in and he never told me. I found out from my 4 year old, which is not a good coparenting strategy. Men have a tendency to nest-in with their "new family" to encourage a bond. It's nice - sweet, even - but if you're the other parent in that situation, it feels an awful lot like an attempt to erase you. Even the most secure person isn't gonna be great at dealing with that.

As for how to handle this woman, you stick to your company manners. You continue to be kind and generous toward your boyfriend's daughter. You build your relationship, and if you interact with her, keep it civil and pleasant. Let go of the text messages, or have your boyfriend stop referring to you as "girlfriend" and start referring to you as "fiancee" if that's what you actually are. If not, well, figure out what the hell IS going on with him, since that's a bigger deal than his ex-wife texting him.

He actually did tell her and she is just in denial; in her mind no one can ever replace her....even if the divorce was finalized 6 years ago. I personally have nothing against the woman, just tired of her silly immature comments about me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you guys engaged or not? I'm married but if I was divorced I may also have issues with exH's "girlfriend" sleeping over. It's not necessarily personal against you. It could be ANY girlfriend.

We're not engaged, but will be getting married soon. We're a little older--36-48 age range, so we're skipping the whole engagement process. The ex didn't have issues with previous GsF, but I am a permanent fixture. She told her child that she never wants her child to have a stepmother.

-op

OP, your boyfriend's ex probably doesn't view you as a permanent fixture - because you're NOT engaged. You're getting married "soon"? Have you set a date? If you have discussed marriage and agreed to marry, you are engaged, whether you have a flashy ring or not. I didn't have an engagement ring and was married 3 months after we decided we were going to marry. Just because I never got a huge deal proposal and a ring doesn't mean that I wasn't engaged for those 3 months.

I would imagine that your boyfriend's ex sees that and is concerned that her ex is playing house with the temp of the week, while her daughter lives there. In that situation, as a mom, I would be concerned that my child was becoming attached to someone who was not likely to stick around. I would be concerned that my ex was introducing drama into my child's life. I would be concerned that my child was spending a lot of time with someone I didn't know anything about.

My ex is remarried to someone who doesn't like me. She's never made a secret of it. We aren't friends and we aren't gonna be friends. We never did the getting-to-know-you coffee either. My ex was the one who brought my daughter back from weekends at their house, and I was pretty annoyed when she moved in and he never told me. I found out from my 4 year old, which is not a good coparenting strategy. Men have a tendency to nest-in with their "new family" to encourage a bond. It's nice - sweet, even - but if you're the other parent in that situation, it feels an awful lot like an attempt to erase you. Even the most secure person isn't gonna be great at dealing with that.

As for how to handle this woman, you stick to your company manners. You continue to be kind and generous toward your boyfriend's daughter. You build your relationship, and if you interact with her, keep it civil and pleasant. Let go of the text messages, or have your boyfriend stop referring to you as "girlfriend" and start referring to you as "fiancee" if that's what you actually are. If not, well, figure out what the hell IS going on with him, since that's a bigger deal than his ex-wife texting him.

He actually did tell her and she is just in denial; in her mind no one can ever replace her....even if the divorce was finalized 6 years ago. I personally have nothing against the woman, just tired of her silly immature comments about me.

Well, then my suggestion is that you be the mature one and get over it. There's no reason for him to show you those text messages anyway. You both need to ignore her shitty behavior and behave well. That's the only solution.

And you didn't answer about the "engaged" issue, which leads me to believe that you may only think that you're getting married soon.

[Anonymous]

Never go out with, let alone marry, someone with a child from a former marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Never go out with, let alone marry, someone with a child from a former marriage.

True. You will have this women in your life forever. Graduations, weddings, holidays, grandkids. She is your BF sons mom. She is still #1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Never go out with, let alone marry, someone with a child from a former marriage.

True. You will have this women in your life forever. Graduations, weddings, holidays, grandkids. She is your BF sons mom. She is still #1.

I disagree with the #1 statement; will be dealing with the individual for at least 4 years until the child is 18yo and off to college. I am pretty sure our direct interactions will subside afterwards.

-op

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Never go out with, let alone marry, someone with a child from a former marriage.

True. You will have this women in your life forever. Graduations, weddings, holidays, grandkids. She is your BF sons mom. She is still #1.

I disagree with the #1 statement; will be dealing with the individual for at least 4 years until the child is 18yo and off to college. I am pretty sure our direct interactions will subside afterwards.

-op

Ha! Just because kids go away to college does not mean your live will be all rosy. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Never go out with, let alone marry, someone with a child from a former marriage.

True. You will have this women in your life forever. Graduations, weddings, holidays, grandkids. She is your BF sons mom. She is still #1.

I disagree with the #1 statement; will be dealing with the individual for at least 4 years until the child is 18yo and off to college. I am pretty sure our direct interactions will subside afterwards.

-op

Ha! Just because kids go away to college does not mean your live will be all rosy. Good luck.

We will ensure there will be a state or two or three between us and the ex...ideally a plane ride away

-op