Sister's husband has $0 in college fund for my nephews - tells me to "back off"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kids go to college all the time without tutors and SAT prep. I'm not sure why you think this is an emergency.

50 % drop out rate in the country. 90-plus % drop out rate for students from their background.

Based on what I know, they are not currently on track to be prepared for college.

At the end of the day, we'd like to help our nephews achieve some social mobility. That begins with them becoming prepared for college. Further, them becoming prepared could open up merit awards, which helps them control their destiny. That's how I pitched the SAT prep and math tutor - I said it would help them qualify for merit aid.

[Anonymous]

This is so stupid. STFU and back-off!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids go to college all the time without tutors and SAT prep. I'm not sure why you think this is an emergency.

50 % drop out rate in the country. 90-plus % drop out rate for students from their background.

Based on what I know, they are not currently on track to be prepared for college.

At the end of the day, we'd like to help our nephews achieve some social mobility. That begins with them becoming prepared for college. Further, them becoming prepared could open up merit awards, which helps them control their destiny. That's how I pitched the SAT prep and math tutor - I said it would help them qualify for merit aid.

Well, it all sounds pretty hopeless, OP. I guess we, the taxpayers of VA, should start preparing to pay for another couple of inmates.

OP, do you have teenagers? I'm thinking not.

[Anonymous]

BIL makes decent money without going to college, but your nephews are doomed to be deadbeats?

Your title complains that BIL doesn't have money for the nephews college - why are you not complaining about your sister or their dad (the two adults biologically related and primarily responsible for them).

I think you should be pissed more at your sister than your BIL. Still, there's nothing for you to do here. They don't want your help. It's unfortunate because you sound as if you are attempting to be kind, but they don't want your help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids go to college all the time without tutors and SAT prep. I'm not sure why you think this is an emergency.

50 % drop out rate in the country. 90-plus % drop out rate for students from their background.

Based on what I know, they are not currently on track to be prepared for college.

At the end of the day, we'd like to help our nephews achieve some social mobility. That begins with them becoming prepared for college. Further, them becoming prepared could open up merit awards, which helps them control their destiny. That's how I pitched the SAT prep and math tutor - I said it would help them qualify for merit aid.

I think we are beginning to see who the real snob here is.

OP, "social mobility" is not a goal. A happy, productive life, OTOH, is certainly something to strive for. Do you really see no way for your nephews to achieve that unless they are fully prepared for a top college at age 18?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Although, everyone always say butt out and it's not your business, when something does [not] happen, someone will say how come no body intervened.

Spot on.

My passion comes from understanding how narrow the margins are for kids like them. There aren't really second chances for them. There isn't money from dad, a large support system and connections to tap. Education is their ticket out. Giving them a house and car is commendable... but it's not nearly enough to compete in a global economy in 2016. Of course we all know gritty outliers, but you have to be realistic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:BIL makes decent money without going to college, but your nephews are doomed to be deadbeats?

Your title complains that BIL doesn't have money for the nephews college - why are you not complaining about your sister or their dad (the two adults biologically related and primarily responsible for them).

I think you should be pissed more at your sister than your BIL. Still, there's nothing for you to do here. They don't want your help. It's unfortunate because you sound as if you are attempting to be kind, but they don't want your help.

BIL is a layoff away from being bankrupt. He has no leverage to get raises. He hates his job. The 1990s =/= 2017-2020

Yes, my sister certainly knows how to pick 'em. FYI, when it comes to FAFSA and college aid, *all* parents inc. step-parents are responsible.

[Anonymous]

So, it's possible these kids won't become Titans of Wall Street, but is there any indication that they want to?

OP hasn't told us anything about what these boys actually want. What are they good at? What do they see in their future?

She's also citing "research" that is really not meant to describe kids whose parents make 3x the median income for the US, or whose parents provide a nice middle-class lifestyle.

No, these boys aren't being overparented like many DC kids are and it might mean they miss their chance to attend MIT. But I know TONS of folks like this from back home. They went to a local community college before transferring to a state school, and now they have steady middle class jobs just like their parents.

OP sounds like a snob, and I say that as someone who has actually achieved the much-vaunted social mobility. Not everyone wants what I want, particularly at the cost.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you should back off until the kids are adults and then they can ask you for help if they want it.

Until the kids are 18, you can make offers to assist...

18 is far too late to make much of a difference.

Kids would love to go to college and get away from home and step-father. But again, the household is ignorant about how to become prepared.

This is very dramatic. If you were talking about 18 being "far too late" to keep kids from gangs, that would be understandable. However 18 is not "far too late" to make a difference re: college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I think we are beginning to see who the real snob here is.

OP, "social mobility" is not a goal. A happy, productive life, OTOH, is certainly something to strive for. Do you really see no way for your nephews to achieve that unless they are fully prepared for a top college at age 18?

I have no fixation with top colleges. SAT prep and a math tutor is merely to help them become prepared, in general, and tap scholarships.

To teens with two biological parents who are not employed, merely a half-decent white collar job is "social mobility".
I don't think you appreciate how tall the odds are for that to happen.

[Anonymous]

I honestly think they'll be fine with loans and hard work.

BUT I also think that once they're IN college you can help them out with textbooks, etc. Once they're 18 SD doesn't get much say.

[Anonymous]

MYOB!

My parents were very similar but without the divorce stuff (meaning I grew up with both bio parents). My mother went to college and my dad went to school through 8th grade then got a GED later. My parents expected me to go to college but beyond that it was on me.

They were never involved with my schooling, like they had zero idea the classes or tracks I took (and they didn't want to know!). I went to school on a full scholarship for both undergrad and grad school. If their children want it bad enough, they will get it.

Hey OP, stop micro-managing other people's lives.

[Anonymous]

I would approach the boys directly and let them know you'll support SAT prep and a summer program or tutor. They can couch it as a school offering.

One of the top reasons young men in particular don't graduate from college is that they are under-prepared for that first year. They did well enough and managed to matriculate, but the disparity across high school curricula and rigor means that they struggle in 101 classes and need remedial courses to get on track. You're trying to address this proactively. That the parents are the obstacle must be pretty frustrating. Nevermind that you're willing and able to help cover tuition, if they're not prepared then it's all for naught.

If you have a good relationship with the boys, work through them. And good on you for trying. These angry MYOB posters are nuts! They will be the very first to damn you for NOT intervening when the boys find they can't meet the demands and leave.

It takes a village. Find a way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MYOB!

My parents were very similar but without the divorce stuff (meaning I grew up with both bio parents). My mother went to college and my dad went to school through 8th grade then got a GED later. My parents expected me to go to college but beyond that it was on me.

They were never involved with my schooling, like they had zero idea the classes or tracks I took (and they didn't want to know!). I went to school on a full scholarship for both undergrad and grad school. If their children want it bad enough, they will get it.

Hey OP, stop micro-managing other people's lives.

Oh and wanted to add, my parents paid zero for school. No money for textbooks or even food. I worked all summer to pay for those things AND also for moving into the dorms.

[Anonymous]

doodlebug wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you should back off until the kids are adults and then they can ask you for help if they want it.

Until the kids are 18, you can make offers to assist...

18 is far too late to make much of a difference.

Kids would love to go to college and get away from home and step-father. But again, the household is ignorant about how to become prepared.

So set up regular "dates" with the boys where you invite them over for a day or an overnight, do something fun and sneak in some college talk.

That is what I was thinking as well. I full well know that college is not for everyone, but I believe in being prepared for whatever opportunities may avail themselves. They will never be able to make the choice to not attend college if they are never prepared to get there.