Sister's husband has $0 in college fund for my nephews - tells me to "back off"

[Anonymous]

Sister has teen boys from a previous relationship. There is no college fund for them, biological father is a deadbeat, her husband is sole breadwinner (he likes it that way, i.e. POWER), and he has no reservations admitting he will not pay $1 for their college. "That's what scholarships and loans are for. If they don't work hard enough, it's on them." They also have two younger children together. My BIL works hard and makes a decent living to provide suburban house and cars for the teens. But neither he nor my sister attended college or have any understanding about college prep, admissions, they've never lived more than 20 miles from where we grew up, etc. Ex. They didn't know what a h.s. honors track was.

My husband and I both have advanced degrees, my husband does very well financially, and we can easily help the boys make it to college. I wanted to set them up with a math tutor and an SAT prep course — to position them to be prepared for college. My sister's husband found out and flipped out. Told me to butt out of his family, don't tell "his kids what to do" and to take care of my own kids. What are we to do? I know what the data says about these boys if they aren't prepared for college. 95%+ chance they turn into their deadbeat father.

[Anonymous]

You know, it IS possible to earn a decent living without college degrees.

[Anonymous]

MYOB

[Anonymous]

Maybe they could take out loans and you could give them whatever you can spare under the gift tax limits to help them pay off the loans? That's probably what I'd do. Maybe you could set aside the money in a separate account now so that it's there for them. Just make sure you can deliver on whatever you promise them.

As for the tutor or prep course, maybe it could be done through the school guidance counselor somehow, i.e. they pretend it's something funded through the PTA and you are actually paying the bill?

I don't think MYOB applies here because they will be so much better off if you can help them, but I think you have to be stealthy about it.

[Anonymous]

Myob. Really, OP. Unless the boys specifically ask for your guidance on the college admissions process, myob.

Not everyone wants to go to college.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you should back off until the kids are adults and then they can ask you for help if they want it.

[Anonymous]

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[Anonymous]

Yup, back off.

[doodlebug]

My parents didn't help out with college either. College isn't the be all end all. You can make money w/o a degree. So many people have degrees now that they're really pretty diluted unless you going into something very specific like nursing or engineering. A BA now is like a high school diploma was 30-40 yrs ago.

Unless they go into one of the above mentioned specific fields, they might be worse off w/ a degree since they will have tons of debt and no increased earning power. That's what happened to me. I'd be better off w/o my degree money wise. There are lots of programs at community colleges that might give them better earning potential w/o huge debt...like plumbing, welding, computer science, and mechanic programs. Don't think just because someone goes to college, they're set for life...or that because they didn't go to college they'll be living in poverty. It's just not so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sister has teen boys from a previous relationship. There is no college fund for them, biological father is a deadbeat, her husband is sole breadwinner (he likes it that way, i.e. POWER), and he has no reservations admitting he will not pay $1 for their college. "That's what scholarships and loans are for. If they don't work hard enough, it's on them." They also have two younger children together. My BIL works hard and makes a decent living to provide suburban house and cars for the teens. But neither he nor my sister attended college or have any understanding about college prep, admissions, they've never lived more than 20 miles from where we grew up, etc. Ex. They didn't know what a h.s. honors track was.

My husband and I both have advanced degrees, my husband does very well financially, and we can easily help the boys make it to college. I wanted to set them up with a math tutor and an SAT prep course — to position them to be prepared for college. My sister's husband found out and flipped out. Told me to butt out of his family, don't tell "his kids what to do" and to take care of my own kids. What are we to do? I know what the data says about these boys if they aren't prepared for college. 95%+ chance they turn into their deadbeat father.

She's a SAHM and he works so that equates to power? You sound like you just do not like this man. Rather than tell us what you think and what the DH thinks, what does your sister say?

[Anonymous]

Who do you think you are to interfere in their family? Their kids aren't being abused. You think your BIL is horrible because he won't pay for a private math tutor, an SAT prep course, or pay for their college?

My husband and I both have advanced degrees. Both of us came from working class families. Our parents didn't pay for prep courses or math tutors, and they made it clear they weren't paying for college.

I had full academic scholarships. My husband paid his way through school by working. Neither of us had student loan debt.

Meanwhile, I see a lot of entitled kids these days who are overscheduled, spoiled, don't understand the concept of self-sufficiency or independence. Their parents pay for tons of activities and prep courses and everything else, but they've done little to teach their kids the value of hard work and, more importantly, the value in figuring things out on your own.

As long as the kids know early enough not to expect help from the parents for college, I don't see the problem. There's no bait and switch.

There are plenty of resources online for teenagers about SATs, about college. I didn't have any of those resources, and I still figured it out.

Not to mention, I actually think learning a trade might be more valuable these days.

He's right in that you need to leave his family alone. They're not your kids. When they're 18, they're free to do what they want. If that includes getting help from you or taking your advice, then that's fine.

I also think you are wrong. Not going to college doesn't mean they turn out like the deadbeat father. You can raise a kid with values even if you aren't agreeing to pay for their college. It sounds like your BIL is setting a good example for them by being a hard working and providing for his family -- even kids who aren't his biological children.

[Anonymous]

Sister's husband is right-- back off.

[Anonymous]

MIND YOUR DAMN BUSINESS! Stop being so nosy!
Get a hobby to preoccupy yourself.

Signed
Someone with 2 post-grad degrees and 1 undergraduate.

[Anonymous]

Wow, you are a piece of work. as others have said MYOB.

[Anonymous]

If you were my sister I'd tell you off. This is NONE of your f ing business. Oh and your humble brag about you and your husband means nothing. Except you are arrogant.