Sister's husband has $0 in college fund for my nephews - tells me to "back off"

[Anonymous]

I went to one of the 5 most selective schools in the country without ever having SAT prep or a math tutor.

I'm curious what, specifically, you claim to "know what the data says about these boys if they aren't prepared for college."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:...but it sounds like on a day-to-day basis he is not a bad father figure? If that's true, he deserves respect for helping to raise his stepsons, not derision.

It's great he's provided a comfortable house and cars to drive to school... but that's where it ends. The kids would like to go to college, their mom would love it. But when uninformed parents lack understanding about college prep and refuse to fund, it doesn't give them a realistic shot to go. Of course we all know anecdotes, but these are children's lives, not a craps game. And when everything turns out as research predicts, he has his excuse teed up, "They're not mine. I gave them a great upbringing. A nice house, even cars!"

I also know his tune about paying for college will change when it's time for "his" kids.

If the kids want to go, then the only thing preventing these kids from going is money, correct?

And you have the money to send them, correct?

So what exactly is the problem here? I get that the situation could be better, maybe even much better, but this sounds like a story with a good ending to me. What are you afraid of?

[Anonymous]

If they want to go to college, they need to talk to their school counselor for guidance. I'd focus on building a relationship with the boys - without talking about college. Then when they are over 18 you will be in a better position to provide financial assistance. Forcing it now is not going to work.

My BIL/SIL also did not prepare their kids for college. Their POV in their working-class community is that college is a waste of money because everyone they know (except DH) dropped out. Ironically, SIL did ulimately go to college in her 40s and completed, but with a degree that leads her to no career so she's still a SAHM. And still doesn't think college is a priority for her kids (now in their 20s and all supporting themselves although with some housing help from the parents)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I agree with all this. There are solid options for kids who don't have family money.

BIL actually makes decent money. I'd est. $130K per year, which is far too much for kids to get any Pell Grant, etc. funding. And they don't save, they're on tilt - leased cars, no equity in house, credit cards have been declined when we've been out.

No, they are miles away from Pell Grants, which--given how paltry Pells are and how poor you have to be to qualify for them--is a GOOD thing. Come on, OP.

$130k with four kids will likely mean pretty good financial aid, especially if there is no equity in the house.

Good aid at Harvard. Not at like Virginia Tech, which would cost the kids $22,000 a year. They have no comprehension of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:...but it sounds like on a day-to-day basis he is not a bad father figure? If that's true, he deserves respect for helping to raise his stepsons, not derision.

It's great he's provided a comfortable house and cars to drive to school... but that's where it ends. The kids would like to go to college, their mom would love it. But when uninformed parents lack understanding about college prep and refuse to fund, it doesn't give them a realistic shot to go. Of course we all know anecdotes, but these are children's lives, not a craps game. And when everything turns out as research predicts, he has his excuse teed up, "They're not mine. I gave them a great upbringing. A nice house, even cars!"

I also know his tune about paying for college will change when it's time for "his" kids.

This is simply NOT TRUE.

MOST parents lack understanding about college prep in today's world. And refusing to fund isn't the problem that it might otherwise be, because you are offering to fund.

[Anonymous]

Kids go to college all the time without tutors and SAT prep. I'm not sure why you think this is an emergency.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I agree with all this. There are solid options for kids who don't have family money.

BIL actually makes decent money. I'd est. $130K per year, which is far too much for kids to get any Pell Grant, etc. funding. And they don't save, they're on tilt - leased cars, no equity in house, credit cards have been declined when we've been out.

No, they are miles away from Pell Grants, which--given how paltry Pells are and how poor you have to be to qualify for them--is a GOOD thing. Come on, OP.

$130k with four kids will likely mean pretty good financial aid, especially if there is no equity in the house.

Good aid at Harvard. Not at like Virginia Tech, which would cost the kids $22,000 a year. They have no comprehension of this.

so what is it you want? It sounds like you are right--they might not get aid at VT, and you know they don't have $22k.

BUT YOU HAVE IT. Isn't that what you are telling us? Why won't you answer this question? Will you or won't you pay?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whoa - I see how your intentions might be alright but you are coming at this all wrong.

Here's how you do this well:

Neither of my parents went to college, but I was a bright kid with a lot of potential. My aunt and uncle invited me to stay with them in the city over the summer, and basically exposed me to their awesome quality of life, made possible by their education. They never said it outright, but they definitely talked about how much fun they had in college and how it set the stage for their success.

Then they privately talked to my parents, told them they thought I was a really good kid who had the ability to succeed in college, and offered to hire me as a babysitter and overpay me so that I could afford college prep classes and the like.

They never made my parents feel badly, and they talked to my parents before they ever made the offer to me. Basically, the tone of the discussion was "We are incredibly lucky to be in a position to do this, and at some time in the past someone helped us, so we want to pay it forward."

NP here. OP, the key element in this post (that you didn't mention in your post) is the relationship between the aunt/uncle and the niece/nephew. If the relationships come first, the solutions will present themselves (and nobody will be telling you to MYOB because what you're doing will make sense to them).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I went to one of the 5 most selective schools in the country without ever having SAT prep or a math tutor.

I'm curious what, specifically, you claim to "know what the data says about these boys if they aren't prepared for college."

I've read a few books that cite similar research: kids from this sort of household have a less than 10% chance of ever graduating from college. Factors include: inferior schools, anti-education household, negative friendships, lack of money, lack of prep, lack of direction, lack of mentors, etc.

[Anonymous]

You butt out and worry about your own kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I agree with all this. There are solid options for kids who don't have family money.

BIL actually makes decent money. I'd est. $130K per year, which is far too much for kids to get any Pell Grant, etc. funding. And they don't save, they're on tilt - leased cars, no equity in house, credit cards have been declined when we've been out.

No, they are miles away from Pell Grants, which--given how paltry Pells are and how poor you have to be to qualify for them--is a GOOD thing. Come on, OP.

$130k with four kids will likely mean pretty good financial aid, especially if there is no equity in the house.

Good aid at Harvard. Not at like Virginia Tech, which would cost the kids $22,000 a year. They have no comprehension of this.

so what is it you want? It sounds like you are right--they might not get aid at VT, and you know they don't have $22k.

BUT YOU HAVE IT. Isn't that what you are telling us? Why won't you answer this question? Will you or won't you pay?

In your hypo, we'd pay for VTech if they were prepared and accepted. It's HIGHLY unlikely they'll be prepared with the way things are; hence my offer for SAT prep course and a math tutor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I went to one of the 5 most selective schools in the country without ever having SAT prep or a math tutor.

I'm curious what, specifically, you claim to "know what the data says about these boys if they aren't prepared for college."

I've read a few books that cite similar research: kids from this sort of household have a less than 10% chance of ever graduating from college. Factors include: inferior schools, anti-education household, negative friendships, lack of money, lack of prep, lack of direction, lack of mentors, etc.

But these boys don't have a lack of money or a lack of mentors, because they have Aunt. Aunt can also provide direction and a pro-education perspective.

Do these kids have the same odds as a kid who comes from a pro-education household, has positive friendships, great schools, money, prep, direction, mentors? No. But they have much better odds than their peers who don't have Aunt Larla.

[Anonymous]

Is their school really bad? Is the family really "anti-education"? You don't sound helpful, op, you sound really obnoxious to be honest.

What do the boys want? Are they good at school? Do they want to learn a trade?

[Anonymous]

First, you need to step back and do not interfere.
You might have a good ideas and good intentions but he said to butt out so, leave it alone. Just let your sister know that if they need help, just let you know but don't go writing checks immediately. Help with small quantities, small amounts, like purchasing books and providing resources and guidance to get finances on their own.

And I can say, if the kids are motivated, you can tell.
I paid for FT college with grants and a part time job. But, I don't flaunt my degrees. But, I know a lot of people who didn't do well and making a lot of money. So, it depends on the person and how responsible they are to make things happen on their own. My DH on the other hand, his college payments were paid by his parents. And he wants his son to get the same help financially. So, he saves a lot for our son. But, I still think, I will teach my kid to be responsible enough to get things on his own as much as possible.

Although, everyone always say butt out and it's not your business, when something do happen, someone will say how come no body intervened.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I agree with all this. There are solid options for kids who don't have family money.

BIL actually makes decent money. I'd est. $130K per year, which is far too much for kids to get any Pell Grant, etc. funding. And they don't save, they're on tilt - leased cars, no equity in house, credit cards have been declined when we've been out.

No, they are miles away from Pell Grants, which--given how paltry Pells are and how poor you have to be to qualify for them--is a GOOD thing. Come on, OP.

$130k with four kids will likely mean pretty good financial aid, especially if there is no equity in the house.

Good aid at Harvard. Not at like Virginia Tech, which would cost the kids $22,000 a year. They have no comprehension of this.

so what is it you want? It sounds like you are right--they might not get aid at VT, and you know they don't have $22k.

BUT YOU HAVE IT. Isn't that what you are telling us? Why won't you answer this question? Will you or won't you pay?

In your hypo, we'd pay for VTech if they were prepared and accepted. It's HIGHLY unlikely they'll be prepared with the way things are; hence my offer for SAT prep course and a math tutor.

Let's stipulate that if they get accepted to VT, they are prepared to go. Because there is no way you will know whether they are academically prepared other than that a college thinks they are.

It's sounds like you think they won't get in to VT. Does that mean you won't pay for, say, JMU? VCU? Mary Washington? Christopher Newport?

FYI: My DC1 has numerous friends from intact, well-off, well-educated families who are at JMU, VCU, MWU, and CNU, and appear to be thriving.