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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]DH had an affair. I found out several months ago and we are working on it, both in counseling, etc. I have told some friends and found support through that. DH has told no one other than his therapist and our marriage counselor.  he is ashamed and very remorseful, but we still have a ways to go to climb back from this.

One of the things I am struggling with is looking for some sense of ownership and accountability from DH. While it feels like I am impacted every day by his behavior, it appears that his life goes on unchanged. (He would say he is hurting internally.) He has been subjected to my anger and sadness and withholding sex, but no punishment or accountability otherwise. There are a couple of times when he has really looked me in the eye and fully owned what he did, the lying and covering tracks, etc. and that felt helpful to me, even though it's hard to hear.

For some reason, I am hung up on the fact that he has told no one. Especially his family. They have no idea what's been going on or what he's done. I have pulled back from my communication with his family significantly b/c I dont know how to behave around them when they dont know how much I've been hurting, or what their son has done. I used to be in very frequent contact with MIL.

I have this idea that if his parents knew, then they could somehow help with this accountability and ownership that i'm looking for. But it's possible that they will just be very sympathetic with DH, he is their son after all, and I will not get what I'm looking for. (To make it extra tricky, my MIL was unfaithful in her first marriage, so maybe she really has a lot of sympathy for DH's position.) When I bring this up with DH, he says that he doesn't want to tell them b/c you can't really "repack that box" so to speak.

Does anyone have experience with this?  Did your spouse disclose his/her affair to his/her own family?  Was it helpful to you or hurtful? [/quote]

I'm a DH who was on your end.  We ultimately divorced because I wouldn't forgive her.  No amount of counceling or therapy worked.  I lost couldn't get the image of the two of them doing stuff that was reserved for me.  It made me question a lot of things.  I only told my two best friends when they asked what was wrong.  One was a guy and the other a woman.  We've all known each other for 20 years and it's only when she asked when the three of us wee together did I say something.  Women are more perceptive of things like this generally and even though they both knew something was up, she could see I had just shit off emotionally from everything and kind of staged an intervention.

Regardless, I didn't feel airing sorry laundry was helpful to me or my family.  I had a kid and wanted to look out for them too.  I didn't need my ex-wife being demonized for this either because like it or not, she is going to be in my kid's life.  My friends didn't tell anyone nor will they.  People have asked and I just say things didn't work out.  I leave it like that and if they prove, I tell them it's not their business so shove off.

People are generally mosey and they're gossips.  Being in the other end - being cheated on - is embarrassing as well.  It makes people think you're not a good spouse as the other person decided to cheat.  I know for me it made me question my own manhood.  My closest friends were there to tell me that's not the case.  But still, it hurts.

Long story short, telling people outside your circle accomplishes nothing.  It makes you a martyr if that's your intended goal I suppose.  I didn't want to be seen as that.  I wanted to just move on with my life and rebuild myself.[/quote]

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