Fear of Sibling Rivalry is Stopping Us from having Kid #2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's pot luck. My brother and I are 3 1/2 years apart and fought like cats and dogs. We rarely speak now - in my 40's - but I live here and he lives in the midwest. Cards exchanged on birthdays only. We each have kids and they exchange birthday cards, etc. I might visit once every couple of years, but that's to see mom and dad mainly. The times we do come into town, they are busy with their sports so most times we don't see them anyway. They've never been out here to visit us. We have no animosity towards one another, but we have nothing in common to be honest. It's like having another acquaintance. Not sure there will be much of any contact once the parent are gone to be honest. Different worlds.

Same story. My brother and I are 4 years apart and didn't hang out together when we were young. We have nothing in common and live in two different states. We don't fight, but we don't talk. I feel like I was an only child. Now I have an only child, but it's just how things worked out.

[Anonymous]

Our kids are almost 3.5 years apart. They're extremely close. Always have been. Tiny bits of bickering here and there, especially when they're tired, hungry or bored. But no rivalry. They cheer for each other and choose to spend time together.

My sibling and I were/are very similar. But two years apart, not 3+.

Here's what both sibling relationships have in common:

- Natural chemistry. I think my kids would choose each other as friends if they were strangers who just met at school. My brother and I would, too - both as kids and now as adults.

- older sister / younger brother combo. Not that this is guarantee against rivalry or a predictor of closeness. I've seem close anD not close sibling pairs in every combination. But this happens to be what we have in common in my family. Maybe seeing that I'm close to mY brother is a good model for them?

- parents who encourage the sibling-as-friend idea. My parents did this part right. Tried hard not to compare us. Never tried to get us to turn on or narc on the other etc. they even let us gang up on them as teens. They were secure that way as parents and Probably knew it was good for us to operate as a team, even if it made their lives a bit more annoying at times. ?

If you want to have a second child, Don't let this worry stop you. trust that you'll help them navigate sibling challenges and grow close to each Other.

Also, it might help to read Siblings Without Rivalry now. Even before getting pregnant with a second. It's s great book and may reassure you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Do they bicker sometimes? Sure. But, I gave each one of them a "best friend forever" and they understand that. I've always done things to support their bond. They've taken baths together and we all co-sleep. I've enrolled them in similar extra-curriculars together over the years. Sometimes the age gap separates them, like when one was still in daycare and the other is school. But, they share birthday parties (the one always goes to the other's classroom at school cake parties) and we take turns watching what's important to each one as a family. They're forced to find common ground when choosing outings, but it's not presented as a conflict between them, just something we all have to figure out together.

Well said. We operate similarly in our family, and it works beautifully. Yes, there's a little one-on-one time with mom or dad here and there. But mostly we prioritize doing things together as a family of four. It works for us!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait. It's better for your body, the child's health, and sibling rivalry to have a 3+ year gap between siblings.

My 1st and 2nd are almost 4 years apart and get along great. No sibling rivalry at all. They play all day together, but now that my oldest is 11, they are getting more independent with different interests.

Then there's a 3 year gap between my middle child and youngest twins. They also get along very well. A little more bickering but they interact well 80% of the time.

When my child was very young, a friend recommended child development books by Dr. Burton White. In the book I read, he argued passionately for a 3+ age gap between siblings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
When I was round with pregnancy and watching tv with barely-toddler DS, he said "Baby!" and pointed at the screen. I asked him if he wanted one, a baby. He said "yesh" and I promised to get him one.

When DD was born a few weeks later, I handed her off to him. "This is YOUR sister." He's been taking care of her ever since.

Do they bicker sometimes? Sure. But, I gave each one of them a "best friend forever" and they understand that. I've always done things to support their bond. They've taken baths together and we all co-sleep. I've enrolled them in similar extra-curriculars together over the years. Sometimes the age gap separates them, like when one was still in daycare and the other is school. But, they share birthday parties (the one always goes to the other's classroom at school cake parties) and we take turns watching what's important to each one as a family. They're forced to find common ground when choosing outings, but it's not presented as a conflict between them, just something we all have to figure out together.

I read an article in some parenting magazine about the nature of sibling relationships based on the age gap (2 years, 3, 4, 5, etc.) and they all look very different. Kinda knowing what to look out for can help.

Maybe taking a look at the particulars of what bothered you about the sibling relationship will help guide you? Bullying behaviors, favoritism, lack of autonomy...these all seem like big ones. They are all subject to parental guidance, too! And that's the good news. You'll decide the nature of the relationship more than any age split, OP. I say, build the family you want then work to develop that family. Don't let fear of something you control limit you in making your choices.

How old are your kids now?

Early elementary.

[Anonymous]

This is akin to not dating and getting married because you *might* get divorced one day.

[Anonymous]

My kids are four years apart. There is still some sibling rivalry but little compared to kids we know who are closer in age. They are actually very close.