Fear of Sibling Rivalry is Stopping Us from having Kid #2

[Anonymous]

OP, I am one of three (I am the oldest). I will be honest, I have little to no relationship with either of my siblings. We grew up pretty much hating one another. I now have two kids (wanted a third, but did not go for it due to maternal and paternal age). I was afraid they would be like my siblings and I. They are not. They are really very close (2.5 yrs apart). They do have their moments of sibling rivalry, but they are short lived and they are learning how to work through things together. There was a previous poster who mentioned parenting and I do think that is part of it (my parents should have gotten a divorce and their issues really factored into the whole family dynamic). Not saying I'm a perfect parent (I am not by any means perfect), BUT I promised myself I would not create a household like the one I grew up in (and so far I think I'm doing that).

[Anonymous]

Read Nurture Shock. They were able to predict the quality of a sibling relationship before the younger sib was born. The difference was whether older sib was taught good social skills. If you model respect, empathy, consideration, self-control, self-awareness and good emotional regulation and actively foster those skills as parents, then your kids will have good social skills and will be able to work through the trials that come with having to live with another person for 10-18 years. If you spoil your kid, excuse bad behavior, and allow him to treat you and other people in disrespectful, cruel, or unkind ways, then he will treat his siblings the same way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
1. A big contributor to sibling rivalry is parent management. You know the issues, you'll be able to plan effective damage control if it rears its ugly head.

2. A 2 year age gap is the worst. Wait a while to conceive.

No it's not. It can be at times, but some siblings can be thick as thieves and best friends. OP, there's no magic number to space children. Siblings can be close and have large age gaps and close in age and get along great.

I agree with PP, it's mainly parenting style that makes kids rivals. I'd get yourself screened for anxiety if fear of sibling rivalry is holding you back from parenting a second. Is there something more going on?

I agree with you. My kids who are 26 months apart was the easiest gap and they are the closest two ~ closer than the two who are 13 months apart or the three and a half year gap between others.

Can't agree enough that its all about the parenting style. I was raised by a Dad who made everything a competition, and he was rarely home because of work. We all vied for attention/love and it turned us against one another, to some degree. We go out of our way to never foster competition or comparison, and to love each kid for who they are, while constantly reinforcing that we are family and family is always on one anothers side. So far, its working beautifully.

[Anonymous]

I have four kids. 1 boy, then three girls. There's basically no sibling rivalry. We talk about how "fair does NOT mean equal."

[Amazin]

I'm one of seven and it was chaos but little, if any, sibling rivalry. First six were born within 7 years! I'm sure my parents wouldn't have tolerated it. So it there was some, they nipped it in the bud early on. Today we are all very good friends. I have three kids all about two years apart. No sibling rivalry except for two girls stealing each others clothes. No big deal. They have always been best of friends. Don't wait too long as its fun for a kid to have a playmate. The best way to avoid rivalry is to teach them the right way to behave from day 1 and to deal with it quickly when it pops up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of this is just a roll of the dice, depending on temperament, sex, common interests, etc. There's no way to game it perfectly, and you just have to do your best to mitigate conflict as it comes up.

+1 My sister and I are 20 months apart and have been best friends our whole lives. I remember very, very few fights with her as we were growing up. However, my DS and DD are 15 mos apart and fought a lot during the early ES years. They are 12 and 13 now and get along OK but I would not describe them as "friends". They just have very different personalities and interests.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I think the age distance matters not at all, its personality and 100% in how parents handle that. Your parents in a lot of ways failed the two of you, OP, they should have worked with you guys at the start of this rivalry. I know same gendered siblings of all distances that are fantastic support systems and I would bet its the same of people with sibling rivalry.

[Anonymous]

Sheesh. Must be something other than "sibling rivalry" concerns at issue here, isn't there? Kids will always compete some with siblings -- it's natural and healthy. My kids are 2 and 4 years apart. Pals most of the time and bickering sometimes too. It's so much easier having 2+ kids than just one -- they have built-in playmates.

[Anonymous]

My kids are three years apart, older is a girl, younger is a boy. They were each other's favorite person from the moment DS was born and at 12 and 9, they are still best friends. There is no way to know how it will play out if you have another child, but FWIW, I am so glad I did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Some of this is just a roll of the dice, depending on temperament, sex, common interests, etc. There's no way to game it perfectly, and you just have to do your best to mitigate conflict as it comes up.


+1 My sister and I are 20 months apart and have been best friends our whole lives. I remember very, very few fights with her as we were growing up. However, my DS and DD are 15 mos apart and fought a lot during the early ES years. They are 12 and 13 now and get along OK but I would not describe them as "friends". They just have very different personalities and interests.
[Report Post]

+2

My boys are 21 months apart, now in late elementary, and have always gotten along. I'm convinced most of it is personality. Both are laid back kids who are slow to anger and share many of the same interests. I am so happy they have each other. I have a fraternal twin who was a constant companion growing up and now. There were periods we got along better than others (adolescence was a rough spot) but we're always close. I'm also close with my siblings who have a bigger age gap, but not the same shared childhood memories as my twin and I have or my sons will have.

[Anonymous]

This is stupid. It is all luck of the draw. Some siblings get along and some don't. They may hate each other as kids and love each other as adults. And just because you might have quickly gotten pregnant the first time doesn't mean it won't take months or years the next time. Asking a forum this question is silly to me. Make your decision and live with what comes.

[Anonymous]

My sister and I are 6+ year apart. Did not get along as kids and are not close now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
1. A big contributor to sibling rivalry is parent management. You know the issues, you'll be able to plan effective damage control if it rears its ugly head.

2. A 2 year age gap is the worst. Wait a while to conceive.

I agree with this, though the worst age difference is anything less than 2 years. My sibling and I are 11 months apart and we never got along-though this could be in part from my parent's lack of management.

[Anonymous]

My girls are 2.5 years apart. They don't always get along but there's no real sibling rivalry. Just kids being kids.

My sister and I are 4.5 years apart and while there wasn't sibling rivalry as in competitiveness, we fought all the damn time as kids. We're close now as adults, but it wasn't until we were about 20 (her) and 25 (me).

[Anonymous]

I have two siblings. One five years younger, who is now my best friend. We got along when we were young, but didn't get really close until she was out of college. My other sibling is two years older, and we've never been close. Nothing to do with sibling rivalry, just really different personalities.

I have friends who are really close with siblings and always have been, friends who had turbulent times with siblings but have now worked it out, and friends who have just never been close with their siblings.

Do your best as parents, but some of it will come down to personality matches, which you just can't predict.