Fear of Sibling Rivalry is Stopping Us from having Kid #2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just curious - what is 'sibling rivalry'? My kids are 9 and 11 and seem to get along fine and vie for my attention at times but doesn't seem unhealthy. Maybe I'm missing something...

Jealousy, competition and fighting between brothers and sisters. I think it's pretty normal, of course as long as it isn't extreme.

[Anonymous]

My two teens have absolutely no rivalry, none. They do fight non stop, every minute, and now they are no talking as it is easier. Older boy and and a girl two years younger. He turned into a jerk towards her, she tried and then gave up. Now she will cut him with her wit and he loses his mind. I am a police officer, but not allowed to beat the crap out of them as police occasionally does to criminals. I do know they somewhere, in the back of their minds, do have some affection for each other, as DS is protective in his own way with giving her advice about not dressing "slutty" and how he likes her to be decent and not have boys looking at her, and DD is happy is he drives her anywhere. But those are very few and in between. My sister and I never had any rivalry, few fight and love each other as best friends. I guess, nobody know how it might turn out.

[Anonymous]

I think it's pot luck. My brother and I are 3 1/2 years apart and fought like cats and dogs. We rarely speak now - in my 40's - but I live here and he lives in the midwest. Cards exchanged on birthdays only. We each have kids and they exchange birthday cards, etc. I might visit once every couple of years, but that's to see mom and dad mainly. The times we do come into town, they are busy with their sports so most times we don't see them anyway. They've never been out here to visit us. We have no animosity towards one another, but we have nothing in common to be honest. It's like having another acquaintance. Not sure there will be much of any contact once the parent are gone to be honest. Different worlds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My two teens have absolutely no rivalry, none. They do fight non stop, every minute, and now they are no talking as it is easier. Older boy and and a girl two years younger. He turned into a jerk towards her, she tried and then gave up. Now she will cut him with her wit and he loses his mind. I am a police officer, but not allowed to beat the crap out of them as police occasionally does to criminals. I do know they somewhere, in the back of their minds, do have some affection for each other, as DS is protective in his own way with giving her advice about not dressing "slutty" and how he likes her to be decent and not have boys looking at her, and DD is happy is he drives her anywhere. But those are very few and in between. My sister and I never had any rivalry, few fight and love each other as best friends. I guess, nobody know how it might turn out.

Holy crap. Teach that kid about feminism before he's out of the house. Girls can dress however they want. And there's nothing wrong with hooking up with as many guys as a girl wants, as long as they use protection and aren't breaking up someone else's relationship.

[Anonymous]

When I was round with pregnancy and watching tv with barely-toddler DS, he said "Baby!" and pointed at the screen. I asked him if he wanted one, a baby. He said "yesh" and I promised to get him one.

When DD was born a few weeks later, I handed her off to him. "This is YOUR sister." He's been taking care of her ever since.

Do they bicker sometimes? Sure. But, I gave each one of them a "best friend forever" and they understand that. I've always done things to support their bond. They've taken baths together and we all co-sleep. I've enrolled them in similar extra-curriculars together over the years. Sometimes the age gap separates them, like when one was still in daycare and the other is school. But, they share birthday parties (the one always goes to the other's classroom at school cake parties) and we take turns watching what's important to each one as a family. They're forced to find common ground when choosing outings, but it's not presented as a conflict between them, just something we all have to figure out together.

I read an article in some parenting magazine about the nature of sibling relationships based on the age gap (2 years, 3, 4, 5, etc.) and they all look very different. Kinda knowing what to look out for can help.

Maybe taking a look at the particulars of what bothered you about the sibling relationship will help guide you? Bullying behaviors, favoritism, lack of autonomy...these all seem like big ones. They are all subject to parental guidance, too! And that's the good news. You'll decide the nature of the relationship more than any age split, OP. I say, build the family you want then work to develop that family. Don't let fear of something you control limit you in making your choices.

[Anonymous]

Wait. It's better for your body, the child's health, and sibling rivalry to have a 3+ year gap between siblings.

My 1st and 2nd are almost 4 years apart and get along great. No sibling rivalry at all. They play all day together, but now that my oldest is 11, they are getting more independent with different interests.

Then there's a 3 year gap between my middle child and youngest twins. They also get along very well. A little more bickering but they interact well 80% of the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait. It's better for your body, the child's health, and sibling rivalry to have a 3+ year gap between siblings.

My 1st and 2nd are almost 4 years apart and get along great. No sibling rivalry at all. They play all day together, but now that my oldest is 11, they are getting more independent with different interests.

Then there's a 3 year gap between my middle child and youngest twins. They also get along very well. A little more bickering but they interact well 80% of the time.

PP again. you also have to step in when they are young and set the stage for positive play, taking turns, sharing, respect, love, looking out for each other. Toddlers/kids are selfish by nature. Getting along well with others is a learned behavior, not instinctive. I make my kids give each other hugs when they are young, and say please and thank you, and teach them to respect the other person's feelings. I don't helicopter, but sometimes they have to be directed.

[Anonymous]

It's all about how you manage things as a parent.

Don't pit the kids against each other by comparing them or assigning them roles. Never "Oh little Larry is the sensitive one and Plectanthra is the greedy one."
Don't play favorites.
Conversely, don't treat them as clones who have to have identical treatment without regard to their personalities and preferences.
When they have an argument, don't jump in the middle. Hang back and tell them they need to learn to sort it out between themselves. (And then have an eye on them to see that no one is getting mistreated.)
Teach them they're on the same team and need to have each others' backs.

Rivalry is about clamoring for approval and attention from someone. It's based on comparison. Kids will always feel a little, because they have a strong sense about unfairness and fairness, and of course want parents' attention. But you can minimize it. None of my kids fight, ever. I know exactly what not to do because I was raised by parents who did all the wrong things, creating rivalry between my brother and me so that we fought constantly. Left to ourselves, we got along and still get along great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My two teens have absolutely no rivalry, none. They do fight non stop, every minute, and now they are no talking as it is easier. Older boy and and a girl two years younger. He turned into a jerk towards her, she tried and then gave up. Now she will cut him with her wit and he loses his mind. I am a police officer, but not allowed to beat the crap out of them as police occasionally does to criminals. I do know they somewhere, in the back of their minds, do have some affection for each other, as DS is protective in his own way with giving her advice about not dressing "slutty" and how he likes her to be decent and not have boys looking at her, and DD is happy is he drives her anywhere. But those are very few and in between. My sister and I never had any rivalry, few fight and love each other as best friends. I guess, nobody know how it might turn out.

I didn't mean I am really a police officer! That came wrong, I meant I am acting as a police officer between my kids. My other part was just being sarcastic at occasional police brutality, I actually respect police officers and find that most are great, it just came out wrong due to recent news. I am a bit embarrassed after I re read my post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
When I was round with pregnancy and watching tv with barely-toddler DS, he said "Baby!" and pointed at the screen. I asked him if he wanted one, a baby. He said "yesh" and I promised to get him one.

When DD was born a few weeks later, I handed her off to him. "This is YOUR sister." He's been taking care of her ever since.

Do they bicker sometimes? Sure. But, I gave each one of them a "best friend forever" and they understand that. I've always done things to support their bond. They've taken baths together and we all co-sleep. I've enrolled them in similar extra-curriculars together over the years. Sometimes the age gap separates them, like when one was still in daycare and the other is school. But, they share birthday parties (the one always goes to the other's classroom at school cake parties) and we take turns watching what's important to each one as a family. They're forced to find common ground when choosing outings, but it's not presented as a conflict between them, just something we all have to figure out together.

I read an article in some parenting magazine about the nature of sibling relationships based on the age gap (2 years, 3, 4, 5, etc.) and they all look very different. Kinda knowing what to look out for can help.

Maybe taking a look at the particulars of what bothered you about the sibling relationship will help guide you? Bullying behaviors, favoritism, lack of autonomy...these all seem like big ones. They are all subject to parental guidance, too! And that's the good news. You'll decide the nature of the relationship more than any age split, OP. I say, build the family you want then work to develop that family. Don't let fear of something you control limit you in making your choices.

How old are your kids now?

[Anonymous]

I disagree that it's the age between the kids; just conflicting personalities. My sister and I don't get along but it wouldn't matter if were fraternal twins or 10 years apart.

[Anonymous]

I think it has less to do with parent involvement and more about personality. My brother and I are 3 years apart, he is older. Since he was born he was a force to be reckoned with - with me, with my parents with the few friends that could handle him. He was and still is a very difficult person. We were never close - in childhood or now well into our adult lives. My DH on the other hand is 1 of 3 siblings. He is the oldest and has 2 younger siblings basically 2 years apart. Growing up the his sisters were very close and he wasn't - they were girls and he was a boy. He got his own room, they had to share, they played with dolls and play with his friends. The got along ok but now as adults enjoy being with each other and complement each other. The 2 sisters still remain closer primarily because of their gender. My DH loves being around them but doesn't search out their company - they live all over the country so they have to work to see each other. The youngest sibling is very family oriented and its utilmately all of her efforts that keep the family getting together regularly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of this is just a roll of the dice, depending on temperament, sex, common interests, etc. There's no way to game it perfectly, and you just have to do your best to mitigate conflict as it comes up.

completely agree. If you want more have them. Don't look for excuses not to. We are talking about human beings, you cannot control most aspects of their personality. We have three boys and they compete over everything, and I mean everything. My husband and I make it a point to put equal weight on all their accomplishments. We have a jock, a nerd and a musician. All three are talented in their own respect and need to be parented in a different way. We do not tolerate name calling and make every effort to attend all of their events as a family. Yes they complain but we want them to recognize that none of them are any more "special" than the others. It is hard, it is exhausting but totally worth it. At the best of times, we have so much fun as a family. We accept the insanity and go with it.

[Anonymous]

I have two boys 3 years apart. No sibling rivalry. They sometimes fight but it is over quickly and they move on.

I'm one of five and my sister who is 2 years older was a pain in the ass and still can be.

[Anonymous]

OP when people are not 100% convinced they want a 2nd child they spend a lot of time "finding reasons not to"

If you want one, have one, if you don't, then don't.

No one needs an explanation.Its your business.