Help me navigate this childcare situation with my husband

[Anonymous]

Stop enabling him. Unless you're worried about the safety of your kids, just leave when you have to leave, and let him deal with the fallout. No arguments, no extra effort waking him up, just one warning "hey I'm leaving in 5 minutes the kids are yours now". Give your kids a snack and a clean diaper if needed, put them in the room with their dad if necessary for their safety, and GO. He will figure it out.

Also schedule marriage counseling.

And if you ARE concerned about your kids' safety with him, maybe rethink that divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think I would start leaving the house in the morning before he gets up. Sit at a coffee shop or go work out and get to work with time to spare.

THIS

[Anonymous]

what an absolute loser you married!

Did you see Bad Moms? I'm picturing the DH in that movie. Total slob.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I have the same schedule, every day, every week. We decided that he would do drop off (he has to leave the house earlier than I do) and I would do pick up (I finish work earlier than he does). Its the same every day, unless one of us has to work late, work early, travel for work, etc. That way, drop off/pick up become part of our daily routines. DH also tends to stay up later than he should watching TV, but daycare dropoff is always his duty, whether he is tired or not.

+1.
I wouldn't put up with that crap for 2 seconds, OP. How old is he, 12?

This is a continuous battle. I basically solo parent on the weekends because he is sleeping. I have tried asking, begging, yelling, enticing, ultimatums, you name it. Yes he is like a teenager, I live with a teenager, and consequently, I treat him as one. I don't know what to do, I am in a constant state of anger and resentment for having to drag him out of bed. UGH

Nobody knows what goes on in other people's marriages, but my SIL just got divorced for basically this reason as far as we can tell. I wonder if your husband is depressed? This period - two very small children - is the hardest, and I remember my sister threatening divorce many times during this period (it started to fade when the two kids both got on the bus in the AM to go to school). But for my SIL it kind of sounded like she was already single-parenting so jettisoning the adult teenager just made life less stressful.

100% this. It is a mystery to me why so many women put up with shit like this for so long.

[Anonymous]

OP, I will reiterate. Go to work when you need to. 5 days a week. Just GO. When you go to bed the night before, get his attention and say "I am leaving at X time in the morning. The kids are yours from then on."

Then carry through. If that doesn't work I would consider hiring a sitter if at all possible. And counseling at that point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. No divorce is not an option, aside from all the crap that comes with it like financial and custody, I will have drop offs 5 days a week. This sleeping situation is a constant battle. I am worried that once the kids leave all he will be doing is sleeping and I will be sitting there waiting for him to wake up.

I'm sorry, what? After the kids leave the house you mean? Presumably drop-offs will be over with then, so what possible reason would you have to stay married to a manchild then?

Let's review: You already do most of the parenting and all of the worrying and your job is suffering. Explain how not having DH in the picture would really make your life more difficult? If he weren't around to be unreliable, you would have solid plans in place to deal with childcare. Your problem is that you are dealing with someone who can't be relied upon. If he were a sitter, you would have fired his ass long ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. No divorce is not an option, aside from all the crap that comes with it like financial and custody, I will have drop offs 5 days a week. This sleeping situation is a constant battle. I am worried that once the kids leave all he will be doing is sleeping and I will be sitting there waiting for him to wake up.

OP, what would happen if you told him, "DH, starting next week, I need you to do daycare drop off 5 days a week. I will leave for work early enough to get there on time, every day, and do pick up when I finish. The current situation is not sustainable for me, and it is not reasonable or fair to me that you as an adult with children expect to be able to stay up as late as you want and sleep in."

This is exactly what I say to him. I tell him that I will be fired, that no one is going to tolerate this, he promises to do better and then goes to bed at 3-4 am. I make 50% of our income, and have a better career potential than DH, so not working is not an option. Before kids his schedule was not an issue, but now its the main source of fights in our house. We had situations where I had a toddler and a newborn and I had a stomach flu, puking every 20 minutes, and he would not get up because he was tired. When I went into labor in the middle of the night, he was upset that he hadn't had a chance to sleep yet. It's bizarre!

some people call it bizarre. Other people call it asshole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. Sounds to me like the fairest arrangement is he does drop off and you do pick up.

2. Also sounds like he should seek medical advice on the sleep problem. Is he anemic?

He's not sick if he is staying up until 3 am.

[Anonymous]

12:15 - the problem with threatening divorce is that then she'll be dealing with the same problem from two households. And I can tell you that he probably won't suddenly be more cooperative in that situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:to all of the geniuses counseling divorce, what is this woman supposed to do when ExH has the kids during his 50% of the time and is too tired to take them to daycare, forgets to help with their homework, feeds them McDonalds all weekend, skips their sports practice because its too much of a pain for him, etc etc etc. To the OP, I would say that if you can afford it and deal with another teenager besides your husband, maybe just get an au pair so you have somebody in the house and can just walk out the door when you need to in the morning. I've done this for 11 years now and while not optimal, my husband is the father of my kids and he is not going to do drop offs or pick ups or any other child related necessity during the week. The au pair has kept me sane, at least.

Yep, this is sort of what I've come up with. It does stick in my craw that our money has to go to extra childcare, instead of say ... decent furniture, a better emergency savings account, deferred home maintainence ... but I figure my sanity and the stability of our relationship is worth it. And divorce would be more expensive.

For times when we don't have childcare, I pretty much just have to declare that I am leaving the house so DH has to step up. Yes, sometimes this means ridiculousness like skipping meals, crappy meals, and really late bedtimes. But again, the alternative does not work.

DH is slowly getting more responsible as DC gets older, which is nice.

Huge reason we stopped at 1 ...

Same here. We paid for extra childcare for years so DH could sleep in the morning. It infuriates me. But I'm not willing to throw in the towel over it.
And sometimes he'll pick up the slack at night if I'm too tired. But sometimes he'll go to bed at the same time as me and get up in the middle of the night to goof off. And then be asleep when the kids wake up. That's the worst.

[Anonymous]

The mystery has been solved surrounding all of the sexless marriages. I could possibly bring myself to sleep with these useless, lumps of flab and flesh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's being a dick. He can't parent this morning because he stayed up too late? WTF. This type of crap is why I divorced my man-child. AND you do all the evening stuff too???? If I am going to have to do 90% of the work then I don't need his lazy ass around. AND you do all the evening stuff too????

But, if you don't want to end up divorced like me, don't die on this hill. Change daycares. Get one that starts earlier, get one closer to your work, get the kids in the same daycare, whatever you have to do to have a reliable drop off/pick up time and protect your job.

I had a lot of experience with finding ways to cope with my ex's refusal to be a fully responsible, participating parent in our family so I am good at making plans like this that will enable me to do what has to be done without him having a role which creates an opportunity to F*uck it up.

But good luck to you navigating the next 15 or 20 years of parenthood with this guy.

OP here, I do all the evening stuff, because he has an hour commute and comes home 730-8pm. He does baths and books with at least one kid, which is great. However outside of the bedtime and taking them to school/daycare three days a week, he is tired, exhausted, neeeds to relax, requires downtime etc. After every major fight, he is good for a day or 2 and then a new cycle begins. I am absolutely ready for counseling, maybe i should get him some sort of life coach? or I don't know what, because he is clearly not functioning on the same schedule as millions of other adults and his family.

You know what? I am also tired and exhausted and I need time to relax, and I require downtime. I don't get to take care of those needs very often because, I AM A PARENT.

Adulting often sucks. Don't make excuses for him OP.

And as for those who say, if you divorce you are just dealing with the same crap/two households: A leopard doesn't change his spots, this is true. But when the kids are with their father, they are totally 100% with their father. Unless he is prone to life and health endangering neglect, that's been a good thing for me.

Question I often pose: what would you want your daughter to do if she were living your life, with this feeble man?

- Divorced PP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:12:15 - the problem with threatening divorce is that then she'll be dealing with the same problem from two households. And I can tell you that he probably won't suddenly be more cooperative in that situation.

As a divorced person, I can say with certainty that life is infinitely easier not having to take care of a man child. Plus I get two absolutely free weekends a month and a few free week nights/mornings here and there. Much less work, much less hassle. While my income has gone up, he still pays me hefty child support. Winning all around.

Sure, I'd MUCH prefer a true partner in raising our children in an intact home, but losing the dead weight really make the logistics of life so much better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The mystery has been solved surrounding all of the sexless marriages. I could possibly bring myself to sleep with these useless, lumps of flab and flesh.

Indeed. You people are crazy to put up with this nonsense. Batshit crazy.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I am completely blocking out any notion of divorce, until the youngest is in elementary school. When I said I am worried about what will happen once the kids leave, I meant once they leave permanently as in college. I will still be in fairly young, in my early 40s. So i am mostly worried about him sleeping constantly, and me doing what? the kids will gone and I will be left to take care of him. He is a total man child, this is a lesson to your daughters, do not marry your first boyfriend and do no marry young.