Help me navigate this childcare situation with my husband

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who the hell sleeps until 7:30????

Seriously. I have a 5 min commute and the baby wakes up late and I love to sleep and even I get up before 7:30.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who the hell sleeps until 7:30????

Seriously. I have a 5 min commute and the baby wakes up late and I love to sleep and even I get up before 7:30.

Every family is different. I sleep till 8 usually. DH does the morning shift because he needs to get to work earlier than I do. He gets in the shower at 7:45/8 and I get up with the baby. He takes her to daycare while I shower.

I do her 11pm bottle every night and do all daycare prep work the night before. So one of us has the night shift and one has the morning shift.

I love to sleep and my DH doesn't like me when I'm tired so we made a schedule that works for us. But it works because neither of us EVER shirks our duties (short of being super sick or something). IE, every night after bedtime DH can play computer games until the cows come home, all his dad duties stop at bedtime.

[Anonymous]

OP here. No divorce is not an option, aside from all the crap that comes with it like financial and custody, I will have drop offs 5 days a week. This sleeping situation is a constant battle. I am worried that once the kids leave all he will be doing is sleeping and I will be sitting there waiting for him to wake up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. No divorce is not an option, aside from all the crap that comes with it like financial and custody, I will have drop offs 5 days a week. This sleeping situation is a constant battle. I am worried that once the kids leave all he will be doing is sleeping and I will be sitting there waiting for him to wake up.

OP, what would happen if you told him, "DH, starting next week, I need you to do daycare drop off 5 days a week. I will leave for work early enough to get there on time, every day, and do pick up when I finish. The current situation is not sustainable for me, and it is not reasonable or fair to me that you as an adult with children expect to be able to stay up as late as you want and sleep in."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. No divorce is not an option, aside from all the crap that comes with it like financial and custody, I will have drop offs 5 days a week. This sleeping situation is a constant battle. I am worried that once the kids leave all he will be doing is sleeping and I will be sitting there waiting for him to wake up.

OP, what would happen if you told him, "DH, starting next week, I need you to do daycare drop off 5 days a week. I will leave for work early enough to get there on time, every day, and do pick up when I finish. The current situation is not sustainable for me, and it is not reasonable or fair to me that you as an adult with children expect to be able to stay up as late as you want and sleep in."

This is exactly what I say to him. I tell him that I will be fired, that no one is going to tolerate this, he promises to do better and then goes to bed at 3-4 am. I make 50% of our income, and have a better career potential than DH, so not working is not an option. Before kids his schedule was not an issue, but now its the main source of fights in our house. We had situations where I had a toddler and a newborn and I had a stomach flu, puking every 20 minutes, and he would not get up because he was tired. When I went into labor in the middle of the night, he was upset that he hadn't had a chance to sleep yet. It's bizarre!

[Anonymous]

He's being a dick. He can't parent this morning because he stayed up too late? WTF. This type of crap is why I divorced my man-child. AND you do all the evening stuff too???? If I am going to have to do 90% of the work then I don't need his lazy ass around. AND you do all the evening stuff too????

But, if you don't want to end up divorced like me, don't die on this hill. Change daycares. Get one that starts earlier, get one closer to your work, get the kids in the same daycare, whatever you have to do to have a reliable drop off/pick up time and protect your job.

I had a lot of experience with finding ways to cope with my ex's refusal to be a fully responsible, participating parent in our family so I am good at making plans like this that will enable me to do what has to be done without him having a role which creates an opportunity to F*uck it up.

But good luck to you navigating the next 15 or 20 years of parenthood with this guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. No divorce is not an option, aside from all the crap that comes with it like financial and custody, I will have drop offs 5 days a week. This sleeping situation is a constant battle. I am worried that once the kids leave all he will be doing is sleeping and I will be sitting there waiting for him to wake up.

OP, what would happen if you told him, "DH, starting next week, I need you to do daycare drop off 5 days a week. I will leave for work early enough to get there on time, every day, and do pick up when I finish. The current situation is not sustainable for me, and it is not reasonable or fair to me that you as an adult with children expect to be able to stay up as late as you want and sleep in."

This is exactly what I say to him. I tell him that I will be fired, that no one is going to tolerate this, he promises to do better and then goes to bed at 3-4 am. I make 50% of our income, and have a better career potential than DH, so not working is not an option. Before kids his schedule was not an issue, but now its the main source of fights in our house. We had situations where I had a toddler and a newborn and I had a stomach flu, puking every 20 minutes, and he would not get up because he was tired. When I went into labor in the middle of the night, he was upset that he hadn't had a chance to sleep yet. It's bizarre!

Are you fucking kidding me? He was annoyed that you went into LABOR in the middle of the night?

You need to tell him that it ends, NOW. He will get up at whatever time he needs to to get both kids to wherever they need to go by whenever they need to get there, regardless of when he goes to sleep, whether he's showered, etc. He needs to adjust his routine, effective immediately.

[Anonymous]

Marriage counseling STAT. If he won't go, go on your own. Washington Pastoral Counseling is great. http://www.pastoralcounselingdc.com/therapists/ and they have counselors of many backgrounds.

He may also need treatment for depression.

[Anonymous]

I would get him a check up - no one should be that tired.
Although, if he is tired, how does he manage to stay awake until 3 am?

[Anonymous]

OP, I say this with all seriousness, cut the cable (if that's what he is watching), or change your Netflix password, etc. I can understand some Netflix binge watching once in a while, but eventually what is left to watch that he's up all night all the time? Watching the entire season of Stranger Things in 2 days, ok I get that, but at some point pretty quickly you hit a wall where there is nothing new to watch. I think it's a sign of a much bigger problem.

My DH is a HUGE sleeper and it is so annoying. He doesn't stay up late, sometimes he goes to bed at 8pm! And then on the weekends he naps from right after lunch for about 3-4 hours. No lie. I had him tested for cancer because it has gotten worse over the years. Every weekend. It's like living with an infant when you can't leave the house. He needs an insane amount of sleep.

Eventually I started just saying f this, and left the house and not wait for him to wake up. I accepted invitations to do stuff. I started leaving the kids at home to things solo so he was forced to take care of them. So sometimes he gets his precious uninterrupted naps, but not at the cost of our regular life. You might want to take the same approach. Just leave on time to get to work on time. It will be messy at first, but this current situation isn't working for you or your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's being a dick. He can't parent this morning because he stayed up too late? WTF. This type of crap is why I divorced my man-child. AND you do all the evening stuff too???? If I am going to have to do 90% of the work then I don't need his lazy ass around. AND you do all the evening stuff too????

But, if you don't want to end up divorced like me, don't die on this hill. Change daycares. Get one that starts earlier, get one closer to your work, get the kids in the same daycare, whatever you have to do to have a reliable drop off/pick up time and protect your job.

I had a lot of experience with finding ways to cope with my ex's refusal to be a fully responsible, participating parent in our family so I am good at making plans like this that will enable me to do what has to be done without him having a role which creates an opportunity to F*uck it up.

But good luck to you navigating the next 15 or 20 years of parenthood with this guy.

OP here, I do all the evening stuff, because he has an hour commute and comes home 730-8pm. He does baths and books with at least one kid, which is great. However outside of the bedtime and taking them to school/daycare three days a week, he is tired, exhausted, neeeds to relax, requires downtime etc. After every major fight, he is good for a day or 2 and then a new cycle begins. I am absolutely ready for counseling, maybe i should get him some sort of life coach? or I don't know what, because he is clearly not functioning on the same schedule as millions of other adults and his family.

[Anonymous]

Your husband needs to get off his ass and be a parent. My husband does all drop offs even though he's a fed with set hours and I have a flexible schedule and work from home. I do all pick ups. When he has a presentation or important meeting, I do drop off for him. When I have a deadline, he does pick up so I can work late.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband needs to get off his ass and be a parent. My husband does all drop offs even though he's a fed with set hours and I have a flexible schedule and work from home. I do all pick ups. When he has a presentation or important meeting, I do drop off for him. When I have a deadline, he does pick up so I can work late.

Same with me. DH does all the drop offs and even occasional pickup while I work from home.

[Anonymous]

1. Sounds to me like the fairest arrangement is he does drop off and you do pick up.

2. Also sounds like he should seek medical advice on the sleep problem. Is he anemic?

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you have a low-functioning DH. I have one of those too. You just have to be ruthlessly selfish. Do NOT let him ruin your health, job, or finances. You need to take charge of all of those things. You have to insist that he steps up the bare minimum so you don't completely lose respect for him.