Two Parents WOH Full-Time No Local Famiily -- Show of hands

[Anonymous]

We're in this situation, too, OP with a 3 year old and newborn, and it is rough. I'm on leave right now, but after DD1 was born, I worked an 80% schedule for the first year. I plan to do the same with DD2 for six months max. I'm the primary breadwinner in our family - I earn 3x as much as my DH but our household income is about $150K. We have a house cleaner and we do laundry during the week. We don't clean between cleaning days. Neither of us can telework, I may start looking for a job that will allow telework in a few months because having a day at home just to tidy up/do laundry/be available if we have repairs done would be very helpful.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think your best bet is to hire a HS/college kid to do dishes and maybe some basic meal prep/cooking after school. You can do it when you're home or not (the former would probably be cheaper). I'm generally a big proponent of house cleaning services, but in your case I think the daily help would be better utilized...and since you used to have a cleaner you should have some money in your budget. It won't solve all of your challenges, but I think it would make it easier.

It doesn't read to me like either of you is particularly interested in cutting back on your careers, so I don't think that's a good idea in the long run...more likely to breed frustration/resentment than not. I think a little bit of help will go a long way for you, though, so try that out.

Also, prep meals on weekends and lower your standards for what a meal is. We eat pretty well from a nutrition perspective, but our meals are much, much simpler than before. And we pretty much eat the same rotation of meals every week. I actually WAH now rather than WOH (which I did until last fall), but I don't really do much w.r.t. household stuff during the day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think your best bet is to hire a HS/college kid to do dishes and maybe some basic meal prep/cooking after school. You can do it when you're home or not (the former would probably be cheaper). I'm generally a big proponent of house cleaning services, but in your case I think the daily help would be better utilized...and since you used to have a cleaner you should have some money in your budget. It won't solve all of your challenges, but I think it would make it easier.

It doesn't read to me like either of you is particularly interested in cutting back on your careers, so I don't think that's a good idea in the long run...more likely to breed frustration/resentment than not. I think a little bit of help will go a long way for you, though, so try that out.

Also, prep meals on weekends and lower your standards for what a meal is. We eat pretty well from a nutrition perspective, but our meals are much, much simpler than before. And we pretty much eat the same rotation of meals every week. I actually WAH now rather than WOH (which I did until last fall), but I don't really do much w.r.t. household stuff during the day.

Whoops, should read "since you had a cleaner before"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So at our school, we were trying to coordinate with other families over summer camp, and we realized in our DD class, we are the only family with both parents WOH without local grandparents/aunts/uncles to share the load.

Majority seems most of the moms end up with a part--time job, or with significant telework arrangements.

We know one family with both parents working, but their grandparents pickup their kids everyday.

We both work full-time (40+ hours) with 30-45 minute commutes, and telework is not an option. We often have to catch up on email or be on-call at night.

We split shift, so we can get home not TOO late, and kids can do some afterschool activities, but getting dinner on the table and keeping house tidy is impossible. We had a cleaner for awhile, but it didn't help b/c it was the daily explosion of dishes, pots, pans and kids afterschool detritus that is the real issue. We need to get the kids to be more responsible for chores, we own, that but since as soon as we get home we trying to get dinner on the table and homework done there isn't much time for hand on parenting and enforcing chores. We consider dropping afterschool activities, but our kids natural instinct is not to be physical (in SACC they hang out inside doing crafts), so this is important to encouraging physical fitness. No backyard so can't just kick them out back while I make dinner, and not sure they would actually move rather than dig for worms

Weekends are slog of laundry, errands, catchup cleaning, but really house is kind of always a disaster so we can't entertain. We really need someone on deck, but it isn't like we can afford a house manager or live in nanny. And leaving early/late for split shift I'm sure is not helping our career advancement but only way we are hanging on.

Curious to hear from other families with both parents WOH without family nearby, and do we need to make some hard choices to get one of us down to part time or 50% WAH?

How do you know this? Meaning, how have you canvasses the entire class?

[Anonymous]

I would suggest getting an au pair, kids can be picked up by her for their after school activities and she can do the daily tidying up of kitchen etc. and laundry probably. Do a lot of take aways, or also ask the au pair to cook for an additional allowance perhaps. Plus keep the weekly cleaning lady.

I have a baby and a 3 year old, have a weekly cleaning lady, have home food delivery service (already cooked) and a couple babysitters available (university students) for emergency situations. Lower HHI than yours and also a huge mortgage, but we see our home as our investment.

[Anonymous]

We're like you, and it's a slog. Basically every minute of our lives is devoted to work or family, and we're exhausted. What helps is to have very short commutes, and all weekday activities through the school's after school program.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would suggest getting an au pair, kids can be picked up by her for their after school activities and she can do the daily tidying up of kitchen etc. and laundry probably. Do a lot of take aways, or also ask the au pair to cook for an additional allowance perhaps. Plus keep the weekly cleaning lady.

I have a baby and a 3 year old, have a weekly cleaning lady, have home food delivery service (already cooked) and a couple babysitters available (university students) for emergency situations. Lower HHI than yours and also a huge mortgage, but we see our home as our investment.

Which home food delivery service do you use? It sounds like this would help a lot.

[Anonymous]

Our neighborhood community is a big help.

That said, most of the moms in my neighborhood have somewhat flexible work schedules. There are four of us that step in for each other with carpools and last minute childcare and we each WAH at least one day a week, and have coordinated which day that is over time.

[Anonymous]

We were working both full time with a baby and 4yo. Now I (mom) work 3 days per week. The pay cut is worth my sanity. We eat dinner together pretty much every night. I get to take my kids to the park in the middle of the week. I can actually keep up with the house chores, and still have energy left to get busy with my husband more often than not. Although he is shouldering more of the work burden, it reduces his stress when I have time to keep our loves functioning smoothly in the background. I hated the idea that I had kids just to dump them into daycare all week. This life is not a practice run, and they are only little once. Quality over quantity.

[Anonymous]

I don't think it's unusual. We don't have local family. We've met a lot of families in the same situation.

[Anonymous]

$200k, 30 to 40 minute driving commutes. One picks up, the other drops off, two drop offs. One person makes $155k with good flexibility so staying home for other spouse is a remote possibility. No family closer than the other coast and they cannot help out due to illness. Fired the cleaner because too expensive for the quality. We have basic lawn care. Our house is messy but we are pretty organized otherwise. Kids are 3 and 6 and not doing tons of activities. Younger one does nothing but preschool and older one does swim lesson and a rec sport.

[Anonymous]

Pp here. We cook every meal but Friday dinner and occasional work lunch. Simple stuff. It has helped us save money and maintain healthy weight.

[Anonymous]

We both WOH and have no family near by. Older child was VERY difficult up until recently (she is almost 3), so we also didn't use babysitters because we felt like it was too much for anyone else to handle if we couldn't do it ourselves. WOH without any help nearbye has been very hard on us. They are two years apart and both in day care.We feel like we are shuttling the kids back and forth. Nanny not an option due to cost and me staying home not an option now due to expenses (trying to pay off student loans). I *could* stay at home with them but money would be very tight on one income. DH in the middle of finishing doctorate while working so hoping this will change when he finishes (1-2 years), but moving to another (more affordable) place is also not an option right now.

Hang in there. Sometimes we feel like we are the only ones doing this but its helpful to know others are muddling through too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Curious to hear from other families with both parents WOH without family nearby, and do we need to make some hard choices to get one of us down to part time or 50% WAH?

We have family (parents) nearby, but their health is bad so we spend time caring for them and helping them with all manner of house/computer/living tasks on the weekends. We have concluded that it is miserable and that we need to work less, and we are negotiating with our employers on this and applying for other, more flexible/less hours positions. If nothing works out on that front, one of us will quit our job in a year or so. The only folks I know who are in our situation and are happy working full time have a more-than-full-time nanny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it's unusual. We don't have local family. We've met a lot of families in the same situation.

Agree, but I do know a lot of families who have more flexible options than sounds like OP (work from home, flexing schedules).