Two Parents WOH Full-Time No Local Famiily -- Show of hands

[Anonymous]

We are two WOH parents - one hour commute for one and 20 for the other, with no family in the area and no paid help. We have three kids and daily activities. My life doesn't sound nearly as hard as yours. I did want to comment on the chores. My kids all have chores and it wasn't that big of a deal to get it started and to have them keep it up.

[Anonymous]

We were two WOH parents and my schedule was a bit flexible. I dropped DD off at daycare at 6:30am, in the office by 7am. Then leave the office at 3:30pm getting DD and home by 4pm. Unfortunately for us this wasn't going to work longterm. Our odds of getting before-care is nil (18-24month wait list at our school) and DH has to leave the house by 7am (doesn't get home before 5:30/6pm).

All family is out of state, so our solution was me finding a new job, which I did. Our HHI was $200k, but with the new job it's $250k and I WFH 100%. It was incredibly lucky of me that there was a job opening when I was looking. Now I'll have the flexibility to get her ready in the morning, on the bus, off the bus, and cook dinner.

I know this solution isn't possible for most, in our circle it's uncommon to have local family. Unfortunately our friends from daycare don't live in our neighborhood or we'd band together for a workable solution!

[Anonymous]

Two WOH parents here with no local family and that's the case with most of the families we know in Arlington.

I did SAH until our two kids were in K & 2nd. Now DH and I earn about the same (combined $250K), we each WAH once a week all the time although DH's job is shifting so he won't be able to do that anymore. I can also WAH whenever I need to if school is closed and can flex hours as needed. Generally, I'm in the office around 7:30 and leave by 4:30 to pick up kids at 5pm. DH handles the mornings and then gets home later. We both have about a 30 min commute. At least one parent with some flexibility plus short commutes are key.

We limit afterschool activities to things that work with our schedule (no travel sports), take advantage of at-school extracurriculars as much as possible, rec sports that only have 1-night/week commitments. Cleaner every 2 weeks. DH does the grocery shopping while I cook dinners. Kids have their cleaning chores too. Helps that the house isn't very large. Minimize clutter so there is less to keep clean. Minimize errands by using Amazon a lot.

If a crisis comes up we have good friends we can rely on to pick up and watch kids if needed. It would be nice to have my parents here but I don't feel like we need more help. They live near my sister in CA and she really does need them -- because of inconsistent work hours, a few years spent getting a master's degree which would have been practically impossible without her help, unreliable DH who is now an ex-DH, and doesn't have the network of friend support that we have (although maybe I wouldn't have built that up if I had family here).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are two WOH parents - one hour commute for one and 20 for the other, with no family in the area and no paid help. We have three kids and daily activities. My life doesn't sound nearly as hard as yours. I did want to comment on the chores. My kids all have chores and it wasn't that big of a deal to get it started and to have them keep it up.

how old are your kids? Can you describe a typical week schedule and when things get done. Do you cook meals from scratch, or do you get takeout, we are looking for what things we need to cut.

[Anonymous]

Sadly, I do have family close by but they won't help out. So OP, I understand and it sucks!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Two WOH parents here with no local family and that's the case with most of the families we know in Arlington.

I did SAH until our two kids were in K & 2nd. Now DH and I earn about the same (combined $250K), we each WAH once a week all the time although DH's job is shifting so he won't be able to do that anymore. I can also WAH whenever I need to if school is closed and can flex hours as needed. Generally, I'm in the office around 7:30 and leave by 4:30 to pick up kids at 5pm. DH handles the mornings and then gets home later. We both have about a 30 min commute. At least one parent with some flexibility plus short commutes are key.

We limit afterschool activities to things that work with our schedule (no travel sports), take advantage of at-school extracurriculars as much as possible, rec sports that only have 1-night/week commitments. Cleaner every 2 weeks. DH does the grocery shopping while I cook dinners. Kids have their cleaning chores too. Helps that the house isn't very large. Minimize clutter so there is less to keep clean. Minimize errands by using Amazon a lot.

If a crisis comes up we have good friends we can rely on to pick up and watch kids if needed. It would be nice to have my parents here but I don't feel like we need more help. They live near my sister in CA and she really does need them -- because of inconsistent work hours, a few years spent getting a master's degree which would have been practically impossible without her help, unreliable DH who is now an ex-DH, and doesn't have the network of friend support that we have (although maybe I wouldn't have built that up if I had family here).

Our kids are still preschool age , just one is an elementary. Maybe we just wait till the age up? Is that the lesson here?

[Anonymous]

Two working parents. My job is extremely flexible (can basically go to anything I want etc) and I WAH on Fridays. Both of us have short commutes.

[Anonymous]

No local family, both typical office jobs. We cut down on commute by living in DC and playing lottery to have a reasonable mortgage (in great school, as is the case for our neighbors). We outsource a deep clean once a month. We eat out once a week. HHI $190 and couldn't make it on one income.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two WOH parents here with no local family and that's the case with most of the families we know in Arlington.

I did SAH until our two kids were in K & 2nd. Now DH and I earn about the same (combined $250K), we each WAH once a week all the time although DH's job is shifting so he won't be able to do that anymore. I can also WAH whenever I need to if school is closed and can flex hours as needed. Generally, I'm in the office around 7:30 and leave by 4:30 to pick up kids at 5pm. DH handles the mornings and then gets home later. We both have about a 30 min commute. At least one parent with some flexibility plus short commutes are key.

We limit afterschool activities to things that work with our schedule (no travel sports), take advantage of at-school extracurriculars as much as possible, rec sports that only have 1-night/week commitments. Cleaner every 2 weeks. DH does the grocery shopping while I cook dinners. Kids have their cleaning chores too. Helps that the house isn't very large. Minimize clutter so there is less to keep clean. Minimize errands by using Amazon a lot.

If a crisis comes up we have good friends we can rely on to pick up and watch kids if needed. It would be nice to have my parents here but I don't feel like we need more help. They live near my sister in CA and she really does need them -- because of inconsistent work hours, a few years spent getting a master's degree which would have been practically impossible without her help, unreliable DH who is now an ex-DH, and doesn't have the network of friend support that we have (although maybe I wouldn't have built that up if I had family here).

Our kids are still preschool age , just one is an elementary. Maybe we just wait till the age up? Is that the lesson here?

I think it depends a lot on how you set up your life. Just see the other thread about SAH w/ older kids. In some ways the work/daycare balance can be easier than work/elementary+ school because you don't have to deal with the school breaks and random days off and some families choose to have their kids in time-intensive extracurriculars. But it can be easier with older kids because they can contribute more - or just stay out of your way while you cook dinner! -- and they also can stay up later so it's not the same time crunch. I never dealt with the daycare round because I was SAH when the kids were little but I don't find WOH with ES and MS kids that difficult. BUT I have flexibility to WAH when they are off school and they don't do heavy-time-commitment after school activities. Figuring out summer camps is probably the most stressful aspect of WOH for me.

[Anonymous]

We're both WOH. Currently HHI is $200K-225K depending on how much overtime DH works... but obviously there's a huge tradeoff there (especially because the OT is typically 5pm-12am/2am or on weekends, which takes him out of childcare entirely). Right now, I earn 140K for 45 hours/week + 1 hour commute and have a pretty flexible fed job, but not so flexible that I can work at home on a regular/scheduled basis; DH earns 60-85K for ~80 hours/week + 30 minute commute with almost no flexibility, but in 2 years it be ~200K for 50-60 hours/week with way more flexibility, which should improve things enormously. Family is nowhere close (more than half our family lives abroad... really far away abroad even).

Right now we are draining our savings to make a nanny work and, for the last ~6 months of our current HHI, I think we will actually go into debt. Still, it's feasible because of the pay bump that's coming. I know that makes us super lucky. I don't know how you handle 2 kids, 2 genuinely FT jobs and no family without a nanny.

[Anonymous]

DH and I both work full time with two kids. I'm a VP in a consulting firm and he is a senior attorney in a government agency. I work from 7-5 -- he gets kids out the door in the morning, and he works 9-6 -- I do pick up. I also travel for a few days in a row once or twice a month, which means he has to do drop off and pick up which is a pain for him. We live in Arlington to minimize commutes and have a biweekly housecleaner. We don't outsource anything else other than aftercare and, I guess, drycleaning. Plus side of living in Arlington is we can't afford a huge house or a huge yard so there's not that much to take care of. Kids are in extended day, which closes at 6:00. Hardest things for us are sick days, esp. when both of us have meetings that can't be cancelled. Luckily both of us can usually manage to work from home with a phone/laptop if needed. I respond to emails at night and usually work a half day (at least) every weekend. Kids do day camps for all the school holidays/teacher work days, etc.

We have to use vacation time to attend school events but manage to take a few family trips (usually to visit relatives) every year. The kids mostly do activities on the weekends although as they get older they are starting to do more stuff during the week (like honors band), which is hard--a lot of racing to pick them up, eat dinner, go to rehearsal, etc. I'm glad they are not in sports, not sure how we will manage that if they want to do something with afternoon practices or games. We also don't have time for a dog, although I'd like to get one.

It is a slog but at my job, going part time basically means standing still in terms of career advancement and I don't want to mommy-track myself. (Yet.) Maybe at some point--a lot of other moms I've worked with have talked about being around more when kids are older, like in middle school or high school, and that actually makes sense to me. So maybe I'll dial back then. Or maybe I'll find a government job that at least doesn't require the travel or the weekend work, which is probably the difference between being busy and being totally stressed out.

[Anonymous]

^^Should have added, this has been our basic schedule for the last 11 years (DH does drop off, I do pick up, we both work full time, kids are in care outside the house). We never had a nanny, I went back to work at the end of 12-week maternity leave both times and DH took off about a month each time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two WOH parents here with no local family and that's the case with most of the families we know in Arlington.

I did SAH until our two kids were in K & 2nd. Now DH and I earn about the same (combined $250K), we each WAH once a week all the time although DH's job is shifting so he won't be able to do that anymore. I can also WAH whenever I need to if school is closed and can flex hours as needed. Generally, I'm in the office around 7:30 and leave by 4:30 to pick up kids at 5pm. DH handles the mornings and then gets home later. We both have about a 30 min commute. At least one parent with some flexibility plus short commutes are key.

We limit afterschool activities to things that work with our schedule (no travel sports), take advantage of at-school extracurriculars as much as possible, rec sports that only have 1-night/week commitments. Cleaner every 2 weeks. DH does the grocery shopping while I cook dinners. Kids have their cleaning chores too. Helps that the house isn't very large. Minimize clutter so there is less to keep clean. Minimize errands by using Amazon a lot.

If a crisis comes up we have good friends we can rely on to pick up and watch kids if needed. It would be nice to have my parents here but I don't feel like we need more help. They live near my sister in CA and she really does need them -- because of inconsistent work hours, a few years spent getting a master's degree which would have been practically impossible without her help, unreliable DH who is now an ex-DH, and doesn't have the network of friend support that we have (although maybe I wouldn't have built that up if I had family here).

Our kids are still preschool age , just one is an elementary. Maybe we just wait till the age up? Is that the lesson here?

I think it depends a lot on how you set up your life. Just see the other thread about SAH w/ older kids. In some ways the work/daycare balance can be easier than work/elementary+ school because you don't have to deal with the school breaks and random days off and some families choose to have their kids in time-intensive extracurriculars. But it can be easier with older kids because they can contribute more - or just stay out of your way while you cook dinner! -- and they also can stay up later so it's not the same time crunch. I never dealt with the daycare round because I was SAH when the kids were little but I don't find WOH with ES and MS kids that difficult. BUT I have flexibility to WAH when they are off school and they don't do heavy-time-commitment after school activities. Figuring out summer camps is probably the most stressful aspect of WOH for me.

Unfortunately we have WOH with both ES and daycare age kids, and they both do after school activities 4/5 nights (not every kid, but one of 2, 2 each). With church on Sunday and sport game weekends, definitely not much time. I can see with older ES and MS kids you can expect unsupervised chores, but when a 4 year old sweeps on their own, it kind of makes more work. Older ES can do some chores, but pulling teeth b/c a) has been in school and after care 7-430 so kind of burned out and b) friction b/c they complain that younger kid gets free ride chore wise.

Looked at dropping activiites, but we have health issues because of sedentary youth and want to instill healthier active habits young -- daily exercise which is not happening at aftercare (mostly b/c of hordes of boys claiming the outdoor space as their domain!).

Carpooling with other parents would be great but none are that interested b/c they all are part time or SAH so never need it, and I can never pickup before they do so even when I offer I can't execute.

So we can't WAH, and cant part time -- so those in similar straits as us that feel on top of things, can you give some tips? How do you inspire young kids to clean up? How to save the weekend!!!

[Anonymous]

Honestly, the children should have chores. Not chores that require you to chase around after them, but they could take turns setting and clearing the table and putting dishes in dishwasher and washing left over dishes (as a result of doing these chores from 3rd grade onward, I can pack a dishwasher like nobody's business and everything still gets clean!)

Also, on weekends they should pick up their rooms. My sibling and I vacuumed and dusted the house every single weekend - we each had a floor and that rotated every Saturday. My mother did bathrooms and cleaned the kitchen oven, fridge as needed, washed the kitchen floor, etc. But then again, my mother was a SAH so we didn't have 100 things to do on the weekends like kids do now. So perhaps that wouldn't work now, but find something that does work.

Honestly, every child should be picking up their own room and vacuuming. Every child should be taught how to vacuum and dust (yes, that includes PICKING UP THE OBJECTS and dusting or vacuuming under them!) so they know how to do this as an adult - and it starts now.

Make a caper chart, each child has 1 job a day, they do it for the week and then on Sundays the jobs change for the new week. Set table, clear table, load dishwasher, take trash out to the barrel. There, that's 4 jobs - do you have 4 kids? Set and clear table can be one job for one person, then loading dishwasher is for other person. If you only have 2 kids, this can rotate daily or weekly - their choice. If you have more than 2 kids then it's easier to keep jobs for one week so nobody is confused about whose job it is.


(putting dishes away from dishwasher requires you are tall enough to do it so that usually ends up being tall adults)

[Anonymous]

We have 3 kids - 11, 8 and 2. We both work full time, one with a 1-hr commute each way and zero flexibility or telecommuting options, one with 10 minutes commute and lots of flexibility. Both work 40 hours but flexible job person also has another side job for about 20 add'l hours a month, from home.

Closest family is 3 hours away and not helpful when around (grandparents, but too old). Everyone else is overseas so not able to help either.

It's hard, but it can be done. Kids don't do before or aftercare because flexible parent can do afternoons and other parent does mornings. We try to limit activities to one per older kid per season, although right now with end of the school year, there is a lot going on, swim team has started and other after school sports are still ongoing, so the month of June is crazy, but that gets better once summer starts.

Build a network of friends to substitute for your family, so you have car pool options and a few last minute options to call on if something comes up.