Two Parents WOH Full-Time No Local Famiily -- Show of hands

[Anonymous]

We're in same situation as you OP. We pay for a house cleaner 2x a month, but otherwise have no paid help (kids are in daycare). We split shift, as you do - husband does drop off, I do pick up. We limit activities on the weekends - each kid enrolled in only 1 activity at a time (and preferably the same one) - which helps tremendously. Our house is pretty much always messier than I would like it to be and I constantly have laundry that has piled up. You aren't alone!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have 3 kids - 11, 8 and 2. We both work full time, one with a 1-hr commute each way and zero flexibility or telecommuting options, one with 10 minutes commute and lots of flexibility. Both work 40 hours but flexible job person also has another side job for about 20 add'l hours a month, from home.

Closest family is 3 hours away and not helpful when around (grandparents, but too old). Everyone else is overseas so not able to help either.

It's hard, but it can be done. Kids don't do before or aftercare because flexible parent can do afternoons and other parent does mornings. We try to limit activities to one per older kid per season, although right now with end of the school year, there is a lot going on, swim team has started and other after school sports are still ongoing, so the month of June is crazy, but that gets better once summer starts.

Build a network of friends to substitute for your family, so you have car pool options and a few last minute options to call on if something comes up.

I meant to add our house is pretty much a mess, but mostly due to the 2 year old being like a little tornado. Before we had her, things had gotten a bit better since the older two were getting older, so I know this will improve again. They have some chores, like recycling/trash out, put silverware from dishwasher away (they can't reach the upper cabinets to do the whole dishwasher), clear table and sweep underneath after dinner, help with cooking, keep their rooms tidy (this needs some reminding ), put their laundry away and help with folding/sorting as needed, and feed pets. Baby's job is to keep the toilet paper stack filled up in each bathroom and help with emptying dishwasher, also help with setting and clearing table. Not too helpful at the moment but gives her something to do, less time to get into trouble, and in the long run her role will grow.

[Anonymous]

This is us. No family close by and both work full time. It's def hard, but our HHI is 400K so we can hire more help. Is it possible to get someone to come two afternoons a week to cook and clean? Makes a world of difference.

[Anonymous]

Same situation here, OP. HHI of not quite $200k, about 60% of which is mine, and we are both in demanding fulltime jobs. We live in DC, but fairly far from metro, and metro being what it is, still have 35-45 minute commutes each way. House is a mess, and having two little ones in daycare means we have burned through much of our savings rather than started up healthy college funds for the first few years. Woo-hoo for public pre-k starting soon. House is a wreck. We have cleaners come once/month to keep things from getting too disgusting and otherwise just try to scrub down kitchen and bathroom and tidy up occasionally. DH started a business, which could mean a dramatic increase in his income if it is successful or a tanking if it is not. Steady right now. If it takes off or tanks, we may consider leaving the immediate DC area (since he could, in theory, be based anywhere) to be closer to family and dramatically decrease our cost of living. Regardless, I don't think we'll be in a place for either of us to quit or go parttime. I honestly don't think either of us would be any good at being SAHP anyway. Although parttime work sounds appealing if I could find a way to do it.


Just for fun, our whole AC system just died too. We've pretty much cancelled all vacations and eating out for the foreseeable future in light of need to replace our AC.

[Anonymous]

Two income, 3 elementary aged kids, no family within 1000 miles.
I work 40 hours per week from home (telecommute full time) and my husband works 60-70 from the office.
We are definite hamsters on a wheel. Every spare moment is spent taking the kids to sports (2/3 are in travel sports) and keeping the household running.
Since I'm in the "lesser" job most of this falls on me---all the school stuff, days off, parties, carpooling, errands, etc.
It's crazy and some days I marvel that we're able to pull it off. I alternate feeling really proud of us and wondering why we do it.

[Anonymous]

Two income, one kid, closest family in New England.

We have a twice-monthly cleaning service, and do occasional grocery and meal delivery. I buy as much as possible using Amazon Prime and other internet sellers to minimize errands.

Otherwise, we just do our best. We do laundry during the week--toss in a load before dinner, swap it out after dinner, and fold when our kid is in bed. Our house is messier than ideal, but we do a nightly sweep to minimize clutter, so it doesn't get totally out of hand. We have friends over anyway. It's tough, but not impossible, although it is one of the reasons we stopped at one--we can handle this, but didn't want to burn out.

[Anonymous]

Two full time WOH parents, 2 kids, one school age and one infant. Closest family is a 6 hour drive.

We moved into the city after kids to cut the commute so that we could make it work. We got a bigger mortgage to get into a school boundary we are happy with that is also walkable to the Metro so we can manage to pick up/drop off without having to have a nanny since house + nanny is not in the cards at our income.

We outsource cleaning twice a month. We go out for lunch once a weekend (baby can't make it through dinner time at a restaurant yet and lunch is cheaper anyway). I reserve asking favors of my family to come down and help for when I really need it (like the week of gradual entry into PK 4 and K in DCPS).

Our older child is limited to activities that are offered through the school after school or walkable from our house at this point in time just due to logistics. My job is more flexible than my husband's so I do drop off for the baby and pick up for both kids as he can't make pick up times for either, but I can squeeze a full work day in so long as he can handle drop off for the older child since aftercare closes later than the daycare.

During the week I have to keep us running on a pretty precise timetable to make it all work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, what is your HHI? I work a very low paid part time job so I can be home in the afternoon for the kids. It hurts my ego to have such a low paying job after all the education I worked hard for, and we don't take fancy vacations or have the kids in as many activities as they want, but it has been worth it for us. The balance would be too hard otherwise.

$200k, we know it's not bad, but have a VERY expensive mortgage to keep commutes under an hour. All my co-workers live out in Howard county etc and commute 1 hr+. Most of them have parents living with/near them to help with kids.

Pretty sure can't swing house manager with current budget, and cutting salary 20% will mean moving and the non-telework spouse commute time will escalate -- not sure if that will help?

Sell and move to house that you can afford.

[Anonymous]

We have a cleaning lady every Tuesday and Friday. She's there for about 3-4 hours. DH and I are also super organized and push our kids 3 and 4.5 to be the same way.

[Anonymous]

I managed. I don't understand why no one else can't.

This all should have been discussed BEFORE kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two WOH parents here with no local family and that's the case with most of the families we know in Arlington.

I did SAH until our two kids were in K & 2nd. Now DH and I earn about the same (combined $250K), we each WAH once a week all the time although DH's job is shifting so he won't be able to do that anymore. I can also WAH whenever I need to if school is closed and can flex hours as needed. Generally, I'm in the office around 7:30 and leave by 4:30 to pick up kids at 5pm. DH handles the mornings and then gets home later. We both have about a 30 min commute. At least one parent with some flexibility plus short commutes are key.

We limit afterschool activities to things that work with our schedule (no travel sports), take advantage of at-school extracurriculars as much as possible, rec sports that only have 1-night/week commitments. Cleaner every 2 weeks. DH does the grocery shopping while I cook dinners. Kids have their cleaning chores too. Helps that the house isn't very large. Minimize clutter so there is less to keep clean. Minimize errands by using Amazon a lot.

If a crisis comes up we have good friends we can rely on to pick up and watch kids if needed. It would be nice to have my parents here but I don't feel like we need more help. They live near my sister in CA and she really does need them -- because of inconsistent work hours, a few years spent getting a master's degree which would have been practically impossible without her help, unreliable DH who is now an ex-DH, and doesn't have the network of friend support that we have (although maybe I wouldn't have built that up if I had family here).

Our kids are still preschool age , just one is an elementary. Maybe we just wait till the age up? Is that the lesson here?

I think it depends a lot on how you set up your life. Just see the other thread about SAH w/ older kids. In some ways the work/daycare balance can be easier than work/elementary+ school because you don't have to deal with the school breaks and random days off and some families choose to have their kids in time-intensive extracurriculars. But it can be easier with older kids because they can contribute more - or just stay out of your way while you cook dinner! -- and they also can stay up later so it's not the same time crunch. I never dealt with the daycare round because I was SAH when the kids were little but I don't find WOH with ES and MS kids that difficult. BUT I have flexibility to WAH when they are off school and they don't do heavy-time-commitment after school activities. Figuring out summer camps is probably the most stressful aspect of WOH for me.

Unfortunately we have WOH with both ES and daycare age kids, and they both do after school activities 4/5 nights (not every kid, but one of 2, 2 each). With church on Sunday and sport game weekends, definitely not much time. I can see with older ES and MS kids you can expect unsupervised chores, but when a 4 year old sweeps on their own, it kind of makes more work. Older ES can do some chores, but pulling teeth b/c a) has been in school and after care 7-430 so kind of burned out and b) friction b/c they complain that younger kid gets free ride chore wise.

Looked at dropping activiites, but we have health issues because of sedentary youth and want to instill healthier active habits young -- daily exercise which is not happening at aftercare (mostly b/c of hordes of boys claiming the outdoor space as their domain!).

Carpooling with other parents would be great but none are that interested b/c they all are part time or SAH so never need it, and I can never pickup before they do so even when I offer I can't execute.

So we can't WAH, and cant part time -- so those in similar straits as us that feel on top of things, can you give some tips? How do you inspire young kids to clean up? How to save the weekend!!!

Hi OP. I have read this whole thread so far, and you seem to be making excuses why your life is so hard. Stop doing that. Find creative solutions.

First, Get the housecleaner back. You say that the big problem isn't the cleaning but rather the "clutter". Well, cleaning is something you have to do, regardless. So get rid of it.

Minimize errands: use Peapod or whatever grocery delivery service you choose. Lots of Amazon Prime. Use a drycleaner that drops off and picks up (Crest Cleaners does this for us). Do mail order prescriptions if you can so that you dont even have to go to CVS.

Dinners: You dont need to cook from scratch every night. You can have sandwiches for dinner a few nights/week. You can go out to dinner or do takeout once/week. Then, the nights you are cooking a full meal, make it easy. Get a crockpot and make easy crockpot meals. Get frozen meals that are already prepared that you just have to heat up (we just tried everspoon and its not bad). Buy prepared meals from the grocery store. Make a batch of freezer meals once/month and make those.

Re: chores, a 4 year old can't mop the floor, but they can put their toys away, their backpacks away, their shoes where they belong, their dishes in the sink, their dirty clothes in a hamper, etc. My 3 year old does this because it has been expected of him his whole short 3 year old life. Granted putting the toys away requires supervision because it ends up in his finding new toys he wants to play with and then playing with them vs "clean up time", but the other things are just expectations. If your youngest is in daycare, they know what "clean up time" is because they do it everyday at school. THey put things away at school because their teachers expect them to--why dont you? Anyway, if you minimize the clutter as you move throughout your day, you won't have as many chores to deal with. The housecleaner will do the actual cleaning, you just need to put your stuff away.

Clutter: If your clutter is really a problem, you need to reorganize your house. Reorganize how you store clothes/books/shoes/toys/games/etc. Try a service called Clutterbusters. Buy storage tubs, etc. Everything needs a home and your whole family (you and DH both, not just the kids) need to be in the habit of putting things into their home when you are finished with them.

Re: activities, why do they both have to do 2 activities? Why can't they each do 1? You are making your own life hectic by having them in 2 activities each. ESPECIALLY the preschooler.

Re: exercise--why do they have to have planned group exercise/activities to get exercise in? Why cant you just exercise as a family in the evenings? Go for walks, go to the park/playground, etc.? You are setting a good example as parents this way and getting your own exercise.

Re: help after school for the school aged kid--I recommend looking into a college student helping you for a few hours in the afternoons. I actually did this when I was in college as a job--I would go to the family's home, let myself in. There would be something for me to make for dinner and I would basically be there when the kids got off of the bus, give them snack, get their homework done, then drive them around town, then make dinner. Their parents would come home while they were eating. This would mean that your oldest spent less time in aftercare, so they are less wiped out. You could even go into work later if you have someone at home after school, so you dont need to drop them off at 7am. You could get them to school in the AM and then go into the office. You could find someone on Care.com or SitterCity.com, or you could use a service such as College Tutors and Nannies (or maybe it is College Nannies and Tutors).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I managed. I don't understand why no one else can't.

This all should have been discussed BEFORE kids.

Apparently, you are not that bright, then.

We were in this situation and we ended up moving to be closer to family. One thing DH was pretty insistent on when we were house hunting (that I did not appreciate at the time) is that one person should have an extremely short commute. I am a fed and was likely going to work in downtown DC somewhere. So we bought a place very close to metro and with a 2-3 stop commute to my office/DD's day care. He had a longer commute.

Now we both have longer commutes and live near family. I am not sure which is actually "easier" on a day to day basis, even though my parents come to our place to watch the kids and we don't have to do drop off or pickup.

[Anonymous]

This was us for the first two years. Luckily, both DH and I were able to keep our hours right around 40 per week, but juggling was difficult, particularly with him having a 40 minute and me having a 50-60 minute commute. Recently, since we moved, I am working from home part-time. It's a little depressing how common this progression sounds :-/

[Anonymous]

Same boat. We pay a small fortune for good full time daycare. DH and I clean/do laundry/he does bills I do HH stuff every freaking day. Weekends are mostly long and terrible and do nothing to help us relax from demanding jobs. Kids are 4 and 1, and neither are "easy." We will probably get a bimonthly housekeeper but really you have to clean every day.

DH and I don't eat a real dinner. Marriage stuff? Blehhhhhhh no time. No time for vacations. It's sad. But we knew what we were getting into with no help so hopefully we can gut it out for now. Most of our friends have help and even though I know it's irrational, seeing them with all this on-call support really grinds my gears (I'm totally jealous but whatever).

[Anonymous]

We have a similar situation to OP and similar HHI. Kids are 5 and 8. Both are old enough to help unload and load the dishwasher and help fold and put away laundry. Their rooms must be picked up before bed and stuff can't be left and scattered throughout the house. It doesn't have to be perfect but can't be a disaster zone.

DH and I never eat together during the week. The kids and I eat easy meals weekdays and he eats leftovers late. We also split shifts so he can do the mornings and I can get them home by 5. I'm debating finding a sitter to help with activities this upcoming school year as my younger one wants to start sports and scouts. I may need help driving but am always concious about not over scheduling. Right now I limit them to 1 activity or sport each not including their martial arts after care. We don't use SACC because they would sit instead of being active.

We have cleaners twice a month and a service to mow the lawn. Money well spent. One of us does the grocery shopping on sat or sun night after the kids go to bed.