Autonomy Within Marriage

[Anonymous]

Sounds crazy, OP. I also think you guys need some therapy. That level of control is not normal and does not sound healthy.
I'd start wearing skirts/dresses, maybe buy your own bandaids and whatever you use frequently and keep them somewhere else, tell him after x days you will do the dishes if he hasn't, etc. Good luck

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds crazy, OP. I also think you guys need some therapy. That level of control is not normal and does not sound healthy.
I'd start wearing skirts/dresses, maybe buy your own bandaids and whatever you use frequently and keep them somewhere else, tell him after x days you will do the dishes if he hasn't, etc. Good luck

+1

[Anonymous]

I think all the PPs that are blaming OP for enabling her husband need to stop. OP is being ABUSED. She is in an abusive relationship and is starting to realize it. It is not her fault she is being abused!!!!!!

OP, please please seek out counseling. I know you said he doesn't yell or hit you but that doesn't mean that this is not abuse, and it doesn't mean that it won't lead to that one day. Please protect yourself and get out ahead of this thing.

[Anonymous]

Home is where you escape to not from. It is not a prison and your husband does not own you, he is not your daddy.

When you wrote first world problems I thought oh no, third world marriage. I hate to be the one to tell him but not everyone lives they way you do. He's nuts if he thinks that.

Not only do you need to talk to someone but he does too. And not to anyone living like you do.

This is America. We don't do slavery here. And what you describe IS a form of slavery in the true sense.

NO ONE OWNS YOU. You are free sista. If he doesn't like it, LEAVE. Don't you dare let your kids live in misery like that.

This isn't a feminist thing. This is a human being thing. He cannot tell you what you can and cannot do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who are all of these husbands concerned about the dishwasher? So odd.

Mine's an engineer and so it's all about how well he can load the darn thing. He can have at it--but it's not odd to have men interested in the quality of how well dishes or their laundry are washed (mine also does his own laundry).

OP, if you're still reading, I'm the PP who described what your husband is doing as emotionally abusive. I didn't mean to be too harsh on you, and I don't think it's fair to you. The bottom line is this: you deserve to be treated with more respect for your autonomy than your husband is currently providing. You are worth it. Wishing you support.

Thank you - I didn't take it as harsh and appreciate the kind words. DH and I do have conflict and I'm never scared of him, but I'm worn down by him in a major way. Over time, I've come to feel trapped in my own home. His view is that everyone has things like this that they are particular about, but I'm tired of consulting and checking and asking to do things when I'm paying the mortgage! It is made worse by the fact that we are in a small space with a shared car, which requires a certain level of consultation.

You're welcome. This situation sounds so tough. Some people are particular about things, others really aren't (really). My DH is more particular than me about most things, which we manage by compromise, him focusing on the things he really cares about (like his laundry, or loading the dishwasher), and me calling him on his crap, which he appreciates.

Your subjective sense of feeling trapped is real and worthy of attention. I do think finding a good psychotherapist, just for you at this point, could be incredibly helpful. You don't have to commit to years of navel-gazing at this point, instead think of it as a way to get yourself the autonomy you deserve. Others have mentioned your husband may have OCD, and he may, but that still doesn't mean it's okay for you to feel so trapped and worn-down. I struggled with depression for years and have largely learned a new way to be through intensive psychotherapy--but that was my responsibility to do. Couples therapy can be useful, too, but for now, I'd prioritize getting some support for you. Sending all the very best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think all the PPs that are blaming OP for enabling her husband need to stop. OP is being ABUSED. She is in an abusive relationship and is starting to realize it. It is not her fault she is being abused!!!!!!

OP, please please seek out counseling. I know you said he doesn't yell or hit you but that doesn't mean that this is not abuse, and it doesn't mean that it won't lead to that one day. Please protect yourself and get out ahead of this thing.

I was one of the posters who suggested that earlier. I'm not blaming her. It's not her fault her husband is the way he is. I'm just suggesting to her that there ways of putting up boundaries to stop this, and that putting them up is entirely within her reach. Next time the husband begins with the pants business, she can just make noncommittal noises and do what she likes. She said the husband isn't violent, never yells, is good in other ways etc. Over time of being rebuffed, he'll learn she'll do what she wants.

[Anonymous]

OP, it's hard for me to understand why you would waste an hour with him whining and nagging. Do you not feel like you can just speak up and ask him to end the lecture? I think the problem is not your DH's idiosyncratic preferences, but the fact that they've hijacked your life.

You have to speak up and be assertive.

Oh, and to everyone curious about the dishwasher, I also have a friend whose DH thinks he's the only one who can properly load a dishwasher, and so he is stuck with that job. At our house, we handwash the dishes. (We're in complete agreement that it's easier.)

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm in the exact same situation as you, and I appreciate your post. I've been married 1.5 year (2nd for me, 1st for him), and this extreme behavior just started to manifest. I immediately recognized it as emotional abuse. I've actively fought it and refused to back down, but its almost a daily fight and it's wearing me down big time. At times I just give in for peace sake. Talking to DH is futile, as he thinks I'm the problem. My strategy is as follows
- No kids (I already have 2 from before, he desperately wants them)
- getting my ducks in a row for the inevitable divorce, just can't do it right now financially.

Please take care of yourself, and best wishes

[Anonymous]

What is it about the dishwasher that drives your men crazy ?

Today, just for the hell of it, I started loading ours. It will take 3 days or more to fill it with dirty dishes but on purpose I started loading it all funky then asked my husband what he thought. He laughed and said okay.

Tonight I will be watching my taped shows in my room on my tv.

I ordered all kinds of stuff this morning. When it comes my husband can open the boxes. Half the stuff coming I got for him.

I went into the first aid kit and not only touched everything but rearranged it all. Hey.

I will not tolerate anyone making my life miserable.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand. OP why did you marry a man that is controlling? The answer to this question will reveal important things about you- why you chose to marry him, your strength, weaknesses, what you tolerate and allow in your life. Or, Was this an arranged marriage? Do you think this is normal?

[Anonymous]

DH and I disagree over the DW. He just fills up the top with whatever, plates bowls, cups and then moves to the bottom. He then says its full when in fact its half full, its just htat its poorly disorganized. And putting the glasses below closer to the hot water is supposedly bad for them. But hey, I say nothing. I just rearrange when I am doing the dishes to maximize the space.

as for the rest? OP, its a messed up dynamic. DH and I squabble over who is right but we both have opinions and DH doesn't get to tell me what to do about things like wearing clothes, or making coffee.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Um he is abusive. And I don't throw that word around lightly.

But WTF he judges your outfits before you go to work? You aren't 'allowed' to load the dishwasher????

Dude I mean, therapy? I feel like you seem wayyyyyy too complacent about this. I do not need permission to do ANYTHING in my marriage other than maybe, spend a lot of money on a big purchase.

He doesn't judge outfits - he just strongly feels that I should always wear pants to be taken seriously and not sexualized in a male-dominant workplace. I get to choose the actual pants - I think if it is 100 degrees out and I want to wear a dress, just shut up.

Um, he does this because he is jealous and controlling. He's not worried about you being taken seriously. He's insecure. Red flag.

[Anonymous]

OP, this is most certainly abuse and you don't deserve to be treated this way. It's not normal, it doesn't happen in most relationships, and you need to seek help. You don't have to be scared of someone to be abused.

http://www.bandbacktogether.com/emotional-abuse-resources/

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the link PP. OP, check out this list!!

Signs You’re In An Emotionally Abusive Relationship

You often feel afraid of your partner.

You avoid certain topics for fear of angering your partner.

You feel that you can’t do anything right for your partner.

You believe you deserve to be mistreated.

You wonder if you’re crazy.

You feel emotionally numb or helpless.

Your partner yells at you or humiliates you.

Your partner criticizes you and puts you down.

Your partner treats you so badly that you’re embarrassed that your friends or family might see it.

Your partner ignores or mocks your opinions or accomplishments.

Your partner blames you for his or her own abusive behavior.

Your partner sees you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person.

Your partner is jealous and possessive.

Your partner controls where you go or what you do.

Your partner keeps you from seeing your friends or family.

Your partner limits your access to money, the phone, or the car.

Your partner constantly checks up on you.

- See more at: http://www.bandbacktogether.com/emotional-abuse-resources/#sthash.QyMJaAgs.dpuf

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the link PP. OP, check out this list!!

Signs You’re In An Emotionally Abusive Relationship

You often feel afraid of your partner.

You avoid certain topics for fear of angering your partner.

You feel that you can’t do anything right for your partner.

You believe you deserve to be mistreated.

You wonder if you’re crazy.

You feel emotionally numb or helpless.

Your partner yells at you or humiliates you.

Your partner criticizes you and puts you down.

Your partner treats you so badly that you’re embarrassed that your friends or family might see it.

Your partner ignores or mocks your opinions or accomplishments.

Your partner blames you for his or her own abusive behavior.

Your partner sees you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person.

Your partner is jealous and possessive.

Your partner controls where you go or what you do.

Your partner keeps you from seeing your friends or family.

Your partner limits your access to money, the phone, or the car.

Your partner constantly checks up on you.

- See more at: http://www.bandbacktogether.com/emotional-abuse-resources/#sthash.QyMJaAgs.dpuf

OP here - the bolded are true, although I would replace "angering" with "annoying" or "bothering."