Autonomy Within Marriage

[Anonymous]

I find my DH somewhat controlling in a "first world problems" kind of way, but he doesn't see it. For example, he insists that I wear pants to work to be taken seriously. I kind of think I should get to wear whatever I want, but just do it to avoid no less than 25 questions if I wear a dress. He insists on knowing what is in every package that comes to the house. I think mind your own business. I cannot take items out of the first aid kit without asking first, because of the way he wants it to be kept sanitary to his specifications. He chooses the TV show we watch after the kids go to bed every night without asking me. Even if he leaves the dishes stacked up for three days and they smell, I'm not "allowed" to load the dishwasher. That is a good thing and all, but I feel like he needs to unclench a little.

In other words, I have to consult him on every little detail. He would say he is being helpful and that this is normal; I disagree. In your marriage, how much autonomy do you have in your daily life? What sorts of things require consultation with your spouse?

[Anonymous]

I'm not "allowed" or "not allowed" to do anything, I couldn't deal with any of that. My DH does not share an opinion on any of my clothing unless specifically asked and vice versa. We generally tell each other if we're ordering something but just as an FYI to look out for the package. I could not handle having to answer to someone about every little thing I do.

[Anonymous]

Um he is abusive. And I don't throw that word around lightly.

But WTF he judges your outfits before you go to work? You aren't 'allowed' to load the dishwasher????

Dude I mean, therapy? I feel like you seem wayyyyyy too complacent about this. I do not need permission to do ANYTHING in my marriage other than maybe, spend a lot of money on a big purchase.

[Anonymous]

Wtf?! This is not normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Um he is abusive. And I don't throw that word around lightly.

But WTF he judges your outfits before you go to work? You aren't 'allowed' to load the dishwasher????

Dude I mean, therapy? I feel like you seem wayyyyyy too complacent about this. I do not need permission to do ANYTHING in my marriage other than maybe, spend a lot of money on a big purchase.

He doesn't judge outfits - he just strongly feels that I should always wear pants to be taken seriously and not sexualized in a male-dominant workplace. I get to choose the actual pants - I think if it is 100 degrees out and I want to wear a dress, just shut up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Um he is abusive. And I don't throw that word around lightly.

But WTF he judges your outfits before you go to work? You aren't 'allowed' to load the dishwasher????

Dude I mean, therapy? I feel like you seem wayyyyyy too complacent about this. I do not need permission to do ANYTHING in my marriage other than maybe, spend a lot of money on a big purchase.

He doesn't judge outfits - he just strongly feels that I should always wear pants to be taken seriously and not sexualized in a male-dominant workplace. I get to choose the actual pants - I think if it is 100 degrees out and I want to wear a dress, just shut up.

Has he ever made you change? I mean do you feel you can go about your day without asking him for something? What happens if you do something that isn't in line with his preferences?

[Anonymous]

You're allowing this to happen.

[Anonymous]

I could never stay with someone who actually felt and believed women are taken less seriously for wearing dresses to work.

I'm "not allowed" to load the dishwasher in a joking way because I'm a terrible loader and something always ends up still dirty. Of course if I do load it DH would never get mad about it.

[Anonymous]

In our marriage, financial decisions require consultation, as do vacation/trip plans, schooling/education matters, home improvements and decoration, hiring of people (gardener, babysitter etc), i am sure there are other things.

I do not consult with DH on food and dinner (unless it's take-out), what I do with my time, who I talk to or socialize with, what i wear or say, what I watch or read, how i look or take care of myself. I often like his opinion on things, but, it's because i like to bounce ideas of him, not because i need them. He does not expect me to ask him opinion, he's busy with work!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Um he is abusive. And I don't throw that word around lightly.

But WTF he judges your outfits before you go to work? You aren't 'allowed' to load the dishwasher????

Dude I mean, therapy? I feel like you seem wayyyyyy too complacent about this. I do not need permission to do ANYTHING in my marriage other than maybe, spend a lot of money on a big purchase.

He doesn't judge outfits - he just strongly feels that I should always wear pants to be taken seriously and not sexualized in a male-dominant workplace. I get to choose the actual pants - I think if it is 100 degrees out and I want to wear a dress, just shut up.

Has he ever made you change? I mean do you feel you can go about your day without asking him for something? What happens if you do something that isn't in line with his preferences?

No and no. I have to ask for something every day under his "house rules," and he has declared himself in charge of a lot of things that result in me having to ask for things (see, e.g., the first-aid kit). If I do something he doesn't like, he either sulks or makes such a big deal blathering on and on for 30 minutes and making me "promise not to do it again" and reiterating his 50 reasons for why his way is the right way that I never ever do whatever it is again. For example, I used "his" coffee machine once and lost an hour of my life hearing about it - no yelling, no hitting, just so much whining and nagging.

[Anonymous]

He is controlling. I work in a male-dominated field and I wear dresses all the time, and guess what? Men respect me at work.

I would never have married a man like your husband, OP. I'm sorry. You're not allowed to take a bandaid? What if you cut yourself when he's not home?

My husband encourages me to be happy and the best I can be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Um he is abusive. And I don't throw that word around lightly.

But WTF he judges your outfits before you go to work? You aren't 'allowed' to load the dishwasher????

Dude I mean, therapy? I feel like you seem wayyyyyy too complacent about this. I do not need permission to do ANYTHING in my marriage other than maybe, spend a lot of money on a big purchase.

He doesn't judge outfits - he just strongly feels that I should always wear pants to be taken seriously and not sexualized in a male-dominant workplace. I get to choose the actual pants - I think if it is 100 degrees out and I want to wear a dress, just shut up.

Has he ever made you change? I mean do you feel you can go about your day without asking him for something? What happens if you do something that isn't in line with his preferences?

No and no. I have to ask for something every day under his "house rules," and he has declared himself in charge of a lot of things that result in me having to ask for things (see, e.g., the first-aid kit). If I do something he doesn't like, he either sulks or makes such a big deal blathering on and on for 30 minutes and making me "promise not to do it again" and reiterating his 50 reasons for why his way is the right way that I never ever do whatever it is again. For example, I used "his" coffee machine once and lost an hour of my life hearing about it - no yelling, no hitting, just so much whining and nagging.

He's emotionally abusing you, and I also don't throw that term around lightly. That behavior is NOT normal or healthy--there doesn't have to be yelling or hitting for it to be abusive. Please see a therapist for you to figure out how to break this cycle, even if it means getting the hell out. No WAY would I tolerate that kind of crap. My DH can be nitpicky about how the dishwasher is loaded, but he (a) fully owns it and (b) can laugh at himself about it. But what you describe? Nope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Um he is abusive. And I don't throw that word around lightly.

But WTF he judges your outfits before you go to work? You aren't 'allowed' to load the dishwasher????

Dude I mean, therapy? I feel like you seem wayyyyyy too complacent about this. I do not need permission to do ANYTHING in my marriage other than maybe, spend a lot of money on a big purchase.

He doesn't judge outfits - he just strongly feels that I should always wear pants to be taken seriously and not sexualized in a male-dominant workplace. I get to choose the actual pants - I think if it is 100 degrees out and I want to wear a dress, just shut up.

Has he ever made you change? I mean do you feel you can go about your day without asking him for something? What happens if you do something that isn't in line with his preferences?

No and no. I have to ask for something every day under his "house rules," and he has declared himself in charge of a lot of things that result in me having to ask for things (see, e.g., the first-aid kit). If I do something he doesn't like, he either sulks or makes such a big deal blathering on and on for 30 minutes and making me "promise not to do it again" and reiterating his 50 reasons for why his way is the right way that I never ever do whatever it is again. For example, I used "his" coffee machine once and lost an hour of my life hearing about it - no yelling, no hitting, just so much whining and nagging.

He's emotionally abusing you, and I also don't throw that term around lightly. That behavior is NOT normal or healthy--there doesn't have to be yelling or hitting for it to be abusive. Please see a therapist for you to figure out how to break this cycle, even if it means getting the hell out. No WAY would I tolerate that kind of crap. My DH can be nitpicky about how the dishwasher is loaded, but he (a) fully owns it and (b) can laugh at himself about it. But what you describe? Nope.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Um he is abusive. And I don't throw that word around lightly.

But WTF he judges your outfits before you go to work? You aren't 'allowed' to load the dishwasher????

Dude I mean, therapy? I feel like you seem wayyyyyy too complacent about this. I do not need permission to do ANYTHING in my marriage other than maybe, spend a lot of money on a big purchase.

He doesn't judge outfits - he just strongly feels that I should always wear pants to be taken seriously and not sexualized in a male-dominant workplace. I get to choose the actual pants - I think if it is 100 degrees out and I want to wear a dress, just shut up.

Has he ever made you change? I mean do you feel you can go about your day without asking him for something? What happens if you do something that isn't in line with his preferences?

No and no. I have to ask for something every day under his "house rules," and he has declared himself in charge of a lot of things that result in me having to ask for things (see, e.g., the first-aid kit). If I do something he doesn't like, he either sulks or makes such a big deal blathering on and on for 30 minutes and making me "promise not to do it again" and reiterating his 50 reasons for why his way is the right way that I never ever do whatever it is again. For example, I used "his" coffee machine once and lost an hour of my life hearing about it - no yelling, no hitting, just so much whining and nagging.

He's emotionally abusing you, and I also don't throw that term around lightly. That behavior is NOT normal or healthy--there doesn't have to be yelling or hitting for it to be abusive. Please see a therapist for you to figure out how to break this cycle, even if it means getting the hell out. No WAY would I tolerate that kind of crap. My DH can be nitpicky about how the dishwasher is loaded, but he (a) fully owns it and (b) can laugh at himself about it. But what you describe? Nope.

+1

+2

[Anonymous]

My husband teases me in a good natured and complimentary way when I wear really loose fitting tops or dresses and he reminds me that he likes it when I wear tighter clothes. Only when I am in a super bad mood does it bother me.

He has made comments about the way I load the dishwasher, but never mean ones, and never suggested I don't do it. I think dishwasher loading differences are universal between roommates of any kind!

He does not "allow" me to do HIS laundry because he's really anal about it. Fine. No problem. They're his clothes, after all! He does my laundry a lot, so that's nice.

The first aid kit being kept sanitary seems sensible actually. The only analog I can think of is that my DH really gets annoyed when I move common items with designated storing places like scissors or packing tape and then he can't find them when he needs them. I can see why that is annoying, so no biggie.

Packages, etc... I have no similar issues.

I find my DH to be more "particular" than other DHs when I compare him to friend's spouses. But TBH your DH sounds pretty controlling and inflexible. I would find that hard to live with.