Autonomy Within Marriage

[Anonymous]

My husband never ever ever tells me what I can and can't do. He doesn't even suggest I do something his way.

OMG. Don't give someone control of any part of your life. It IS abuse.

I wear a t shirt that says I do what I want. And I do.

[Anonymous]

This is obviously bothering you. Have you tried talking to your DH about it? What would happen if you "defied" him and wrote a dress or loaded the dishwasher? Does he do this with the kids too?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Um he is abusive. And I don't throw that word around lightly.

But WTF he judges your outfits before you go to work? You aren't 'allowed' to load the dishwasher????

Dude I mean, therapy? I feel like you seem wayyyyyy too complacent about this. I do not need permission to do ANYTHING in my marriage other than maybe, spend a lot of money on a big purchase.

He doesn't judge outfits - he just strongly feels that I should always wear pants to be taken seriously and not sexualized in a male-dominant workplace. I get to choose the actual pants - I think if it is 100 degrees out and I want to wear a dress, just shut up.

Has he ever made you change? I mean do you feel you can go about your day without asking him for something? What happens if you do something that isn't in line with his preferences?

No and no. I have to ask for something every day under his "house rules," and he has declared himself in charge of a lot of things that result in me having to ask for things (see, e.g., the first-aid kit). If I do something he doesn't like, he either sulks or makes such a big deal blathering on and on for 30 minutes and making me "promise not to do it again" and reiterating his 50 reasons for why his way is the right way that I never ever do whatever it is again. For example, I used "his" coffee machine once and lost an hour of my life hearing about it - no yelling, no hitting, just so much whining and nagging.

He is mentally ill and needs help.

I could not live with/like this. No way.

[Anonymous]

Wow, OP, this is crazy. You shouldn't put up with this ridiculous behaviour from anyone, much less your partner.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP. Your husband has control issues and needs therapy for it. This is not normal.

[Anonymous]

OP, I don't know how long you've been together, or if you have children, or if this has gone on always. What you're describing is not even remotely in the normal territory. Normal covers A LOT of ground - people here describe relationships that are true partnerships, and relationships that are more "traditional" in terms of gender roles, and everything in between. You are not within the range of normal. AT ALL.

Like others, I don't say this lightly, but you are being abused.

Maybe it's crept up on you, maybe it's mostly tolerable, maybe it's th price of whatever bargain you've made in this relationship. But it's abuse.

I strongly suggest you start to branch out emotionally. Go to counseling. Find a women's support group. Something that helps validate you outside your marriage and helps you figure out where YOU are in all this, and where you truly want to be.

[Anonymous]

We have two rules: #1, we'll never move for a job unless both of us are 100% on board, and #2, we consult each other about purchases over $500.

What you're describing is crazy. I have heard of some similar situations with an OCD spouse but this doesn't even make sense for OCD.

[Anonymous]

That's not normal, op. At its best, I'd suggest your dH has anxiety that manifests itself in controlling behaviour with you. At its worst, it's abusive. At any level, it's not normal and I personally would find it unacceptable.

Do you guys have kids? Have you ever tried marriage counseling?

[Anonymous]

OP, get yourself to therapy, stat. You need a professional to help you see him clearly, and to figure out what to do.

This is nuts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find my DH somewhat controlling in a "first world problems" kind of way, but he doesn't see it. For example, he insists that I wear pants to work to be taken seriously. I kind of think I should get to wear whatever I want, but just do it to avoid no less than 25 questions if I wear a dress. He insists on knowing what is in every package that comes to the house. I think mind your own business. I cannot take items out of the first aid kit without asking first, because of the way he wants it to be kept sanitary to his specifications. He chooses the TV show we watch after the kids go to bed every night without asking me. Even if he leaves the dishes stacked up for three days and they smell, I'm not "allowed" to load the dishwasher. That is a good thing and all, but I feel like he needs to unclench a little.

In other words, I have to consult him on every little detail. He would say he is being helpful and that this is normal; I disagree. In your marriage, how much autonomy do you have in your daily life? What sorts of things require consultation with your spouse?

OP, you are allowing this to happen. You said he never made you change. So, next time you want to wear a dress, just wear a dress. If he starts saying you ought to wear pants, just say "uh-huh", and do what you like. You are a grown woman; no one can make you do anything without your permission. You are allowing his whining and nagging to get to you. If it gets to be too much, say, "this is what I wearing. I am not going to change." Don't say anything else. He will eventually realize that he cannot control this any more.

Leave his first aid thing to him and keep the thing stacked. Do your own thing with the other stuff outside of the kit.

On the dishes, if it bothers you, tell him you want dishes done every day/every other day/whatever. If they are not done by that time, you are doing it. Then do it.

He is wearing you down and you are letting it happen. Just stop.

[Anonymous]

Good lord, what were your parents like that you go along with any of this?

[Anonymous]

This is 100% not normal.

I couldn't and wouldn't live like this.

[Anonymous]

Who are all of these husbands concerned about the dishwasher? So odd.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't reproduce with this whacko.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find my DH somewhat controlling in a "first world problems" kind of way, but he doesn't see it. For example, he insists that I wear pants to work to be taken seriously. I kind of think I should get to wear whatever I want, but just do it to avoid no less than 25 questions if I wear a dress. He insists on knowing what is in every package that comes to the house. I think mind your own business. I cannot take items out of the first aid kit without asking first, because of the way he wants it to be kept sanitary to his specifications. He chooses the TV show we watch after the kids go to bed every night without asking me. Even if he leaves the dishes stacked up for three days and they smell, I'm not "allowed" to load the dishwasher. That is a good thing and all, but I feel like he needs to unclench a little.

In other words, I have to consult him on every little detail. He would say he is being helpful and that this is normal; I disagree. In your marriage, how much autonomy do you have in your daily life? What sorts of things require consultation with your spouse?

OP, so what you're saying is you're too infantile to make your own decisions about what clothes you wear to work, you let your husband do that for you, yet it's his fault.

You know what? Stop blaming your husband for your decisions. At the very least you are an enabler and if this is a sick relationship than the two of you are equally sick.