S/O: Ladies - Would you have sex more often

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So much of the male complaining about this issue boils down to: "why can't a woman be more like a man?"

Women are not men. The average woman's sex drive is less than a man's, and the average woman is aroused by different mechanisms than a man is. (E.g., men tend to be much more visual.)

If you want to have sex with someone who is more like you, you are free to find another man and do so. If you want to have sex with a woman, I guess you will have to accept that women might be different from you. That doesn't mean that woman can't work harder to "own her shit." But it does mean that she can own every inch of her shit and she still might not want sex as much as you do and still might not "desire" you in the way that you want.

Actually no. The male complaint is that women's sex drive and changes drastically after marriage and kids.
If she had been upfront about facebook/DCUM/netflix being a higher priority than sex while dating, then shame on me for marrying such a person.
But I feel justified in complaining about this post-facto and unilateral priority shift.

There is no way to be up front about this, women genuinely DO want to more sex before kids and aging. I would think that anyone who looked into it (or had heard a single joke about married life) would be in the know about this.

Today I have one baby and am in my early 30s and I like to have sex twice a week with my husband. Is this going to change and in 8 years will I rather watch netflix after dealing with the kids we have then? I have no idea. Acting like you were sold a false bill of sale when in reality this is just the natural progression of a human being changing over the course of two decades is petulant and stupid. Women certainly have an obligation to be a good partner to their husband, and that means keeping up a regular sex life, but being mad that women changed over two decades? I'm sure you changed too, just maybe not in this way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think many women want sex twice a week. But they don't see a man and say wow I want that. They read a book, watch a movie, daydream and think about it.

And after marriage, they decide to stop reading those books, watching those movies, daydreaming those things.
This is exactly the male complaint. Whatever they were doing to get all lusty before, they just stop doing it.
Meanwhile the male sex drive keeps humming steadily along.

because now they have more dishes to wash, more laundry to do, another human being to look after. My kids are upper ES age, and now I finally have some time to go back to doing those things, and that's only because I work parttime and my DH also does house chores/childcare. Prior to all this, I was working FT, 2 hr commute everyday, and dealing with a baby and a toddler. My only daydream/fantasy was more sleep.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think many women want sex twice a week. But they don't see a man and say wow I want that. They read a book, watch a movie, daydream and think about it.

And after marriage, they decide to stop reading those books, watching those movies, daydreaming those things.
This is exactly the male complaint. Whatever they were doing to get all lusty before, they just stop doing it.
Meanwhile the male sex drive keeps humming steadily along.

because now they have more dishes to wash, more laundry to do, another human being to look after. My kids are upper ES age, and now I finally have some time to go back to doing those things, and that's only because I work parttime and my DH also does house chores/childcare. Prior to all this, I was working FT, 2 hr commute everyday, and dealing with a baby and a toddler. My only daydream/fantasy was more sleep.

pp here... forgot to add, yes, DH gets more sex now. He might get even more if we were both in better shape, and he was better in bed. It all adds up.

[Anonymous]

I heard alot of ominous warnings about what marriage would be like. Constant nagging; wife gaining 100 pounds; becoming just like her mother. Are you saying "hey you were warned" thereby absolving any complaint if such horrible stereotypes materialize?

Likewise, I hope prospective brides are suitably put on-notice that the male sex drive doesn't end at 35.

I don't disagree with the "natural progression" concept. Not claiming to have figured this out, we are still right in the thick of it, her struggling with a progressively lower libido, me wondering if long term marriage and/or monogamy are even possible (especially for men).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think many women want sex twice a week. But they don't see a man and say wow I want that. They read a book, watch a movie, daydream and think about it.

And after marriage, they decide to stop reading those books, watching those movies, daydreaming those things.
This is exactly the male complaint. Whatever they were doing to get all lusty before, they just stop doing it.
Meanwhile the male sex drive keeps humming steadily along.

because now they have more dishes to wash, more laundry to do, another human being to look after. My kids are upper ES age, and now I finally have some time to go back to doing those things, and that's only because I work parttime and my DH also does house chores/childcare. Prior to all this, I was working FT, 2 hr commute everyday, and dealing with a baby and a toddler. My only daydream/fantasy was more sleep.

This simply requires setting reasonable limits on the domestic work, outsourcing as much as possible, splitting fairly, and (in many cases) just not doing some chores at all.
None of those things prevent having a regular sexlife. It just comes down to priorities.

[Anonymous]

I think for "most" a healthy relationship should include some sort of intimacy. Once that starts going away and if not at least tried to fix you end up as roommates with kids. I agree with the PP that there should be some sort of priority to keep the relationship healthy instead of putting every last little thing in front of it. There was another post early that they would sex more if it gave them more hours in the day. We have had so many efficiencies in our life time that has given us plenty of hours back. You will always find something important to take up those hours and say it is must do. I maybe on a limb here but I feel most of men complaining aren't in the 2x a week category. I personally have been married for 10 years and within there I have gone 5 years with not even the slightest touch and in the last two years probably averaging 6x a year. I can completely understand that once you have kids there are aspects of the relationship that will wane and not be at the same level pre-kids. However there should be some sort of happy medium where not being intimate week after week and month after months because all the little things that comes with being married and kids.

[Anonymous]

I think that I would have sex more often if I felt more carefree. My DH really doesn't care if we eat terrible junky food, but I want our family (him included) to eat fruit and vegetables and healthy foods. This means shopping and cooking and then cleaning up. My DH really doesn't care if DS does his homework (a struggle), we have time to read books together, and if his backpack has all the crazy papers and forms and homework and books that are due the next day. I do care and I worry about this stuff. I think honestly the only thing my DH really does care about is having time to watch the caps game, nats, and redskins games with his cases of beer. Which by the way he does not clean up after himself. And I care about that too, because I hate the smell of stale beer and don't want ants in our house.

So, all of this is a way of saying that in our home, there are a lot priorities bubbling around and it's not easy to just let it all go and focus on the sex. And I don't think it's fair to just say that I am the one with the non-sex priorities since believe me there aren't many nights in the week when there is one of these games (if not two) of them going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So much of the male complaining about this issue boils down to: "why can't a woman be more like a man?"

Women are not men. The average woman's sex drive is less than a man's, and the average woman is aroused by different mechanisms than a man is. (E.g., men tend to be much more visual.)

If you want to have sex with someone who is more like you, you are free to find another man and do so. If you want to have sex with a woman, I guess you will have to accept that women might be different from you. That doesn't mean that woman can't work harder to "own her shit." But it does mean that she can own every inch of her shit and she still might not want sex as much as you do and still might not "desire" you in the way that you want.

Actually no. The male complaint is that women's sex drive and changes drastically after marriage and kids.
If she had been upfront about facebook/DCUM/netflix being a higher priority than sex while dating, then shame on me for marrying such a person.
But I feel justified in complaining about this post-facto and unilateral priority shift.

Again, this reflects is a fundamental misunderstanding of the biology of female sexuality. And again, if you want to have sex with someone who thinks about and wants sex no matter what other shit is going on in one's life and no matter how old/postpartum/perimenopausal/menopausal one is, you should find another man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So much of the male complaining about this issue boils down to: "why can't a woman be more like a man?"

Women are not men. The average woman's sex drive is less than a man's, and the average woman is aroused by different mechanisms than a man is. (E.g., men tend to be much more visual.)

If you want to have sex with someone who is more like you, you are free to find another man and do so. If you want to have sex with a woman, I guess you will have to accept that women might be different from you. That doesn't mean that woman can't work harder to "own her shit." But it does mean that she can own every inch of her shit and she still might not want sex as much as you do and still might not "desire" you in the way that you want.

Actually no. The male complaint is that women's sex drive and changes drastically after marriage and kids.
If she had been upfront about facebook/DCUM/netflix being a higher priority than sex while dating, then shame on me for marrying such a person.
But I feel justified in complaining about this post-facto and unilateral priority shift.

There is no way to be up front about this, women genuinely DO want to more sex before kids and aging. I would think that anyone who looked into it (or had heard a single joke about married life) would be in the know about this.

Today I have one baby and am in my early 30s and I like to have sex twice a week with my husband. Is this going to change and in 8 years will I rather watch netflix after dealing with the kids we have then? I have no idea. Acting like you were sold a false bill of sale when in reality this is just the natural progression of a human being changing over the course of two decades is petulant and stupid. Women certainly have an obligation to be a good partner to their husband, and that means keeping up a regular sex life, but being mad that women changed over two decades? I'm sure you changed too, just maybe not in this way.

+1000.

PP is an ass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:if your spouse was really good in bed?

Yes and if he lost 30 pounds. I am the one who carried the babies and shouldered most of the responsibility. He is the one who got fat and sloppy. I love him as the father of my children, but he kind of disappoints and repulses me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I heard alot of ominous warnings about what marriage would be like. Constant nagging; wife gaining 100 pounds; becoming just like her mother. Are you saying "hey you were warned" thereby absolving any complaint if such horrible stereotypes materialize?

Likewise, I hope prospective brides are suitably put on-notice that the male sex drive doesn't end at 35.

I don't disagree with the "natural progression" concept. Not claiming to have figured this out, we are still right in the thick of it, her struggling with a progressively lower libido, me wondering if long term marriage and/or monogamy are even possible (especially for men).

Sounds like a self-fulfilling prophesy. But the reality, is men and women are very different in terms of arousal. Again, not every last person but generally. I also truly believe that women desire more variety than men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I heard alot of ominous warnings about what marriage would be like. Constant nagging; wife gaining 100 pounds; becoming just like her mother. Are you saying "hey you were warned" thereby absolving any complaint if such horrible stereotypes materialize?

Likewise, I hope prospective brides are suitably put on-notice that the male sex drive doesn't end at 35.

I don't disagree with the "natural progression" concept. Not claiming to have figured this out, we are still right in the thick of it, her struggling with a progressively lower libido, me wondering if long term marriage and/or monogamy are even possible (especially for men).

Sounds like a self-fulfilling prophesy. But the reality, is men and women are very different in terms of arousal. Again, not every last person but generally. I also truly believe that women desire more variety than men.

This is actually the more relevant factor. A woman's arousal is much easier to achieve when it's a new (or different) man. Unfortunately, as husband's our greatest failing is that we are not other men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I heard alot of ominous warnings about what marriage would be like. Constant nagging; wife gaining 100 pounds; becoming just like her mother. Are you saying "hey you were warned" thereby absolving any complaint if such horrible stereotypes materialize?

Likewise, I hope prospective brides are suitably put on-notice that the male sex drive doesn't end at 35.

I don't disagree with the "natural progression" concept. Not claiming to have figured this out, we are still right in the thick of it, her struggling with a progressively lower libido, me wondering if long term marriage and/or monogamy are even possible (especially for men).

Sounds like a self-fulfilling prophesy. But the reality, is men and women are very different in terms of arousal. Again, not every last person but generally. I also truly believe that women desire more variety than men.

This is actually the more relevant factor. A woman's arousal is much easier to achieve when it's a new (or different) man. Unfortunately, as husband's our greatest failing is that we are not other men.

Our other failing is that she can find another man if she wants relatively easily.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So much of the male complaining about this issue boils down to: "why can't a woman be more like a man?"

Women are not men. The average woman's sex drive is less than a man's, and the average woman is aroused by different mechanisms than a man is. (E.g., men tend to be much more visual.)

If you want to have sex with someone who is more like you, you are free to find another man and do so. If you want to have sex with a woman, I guess you will have to accept that women might be different from you. That doesn't mean that woman can't work harder to "own her shit." But it does mean that she can own every inch of her shit and she still might not want sex as much as you do and still might not "desire" you in the way that you want.

Actually no. The male complaint is that women's sex drive and changes drastically after marriage and kids.
If she had been upfront about facebook/DCUM/netflix being a higher priority than sex while dating, then shame on me for marrying such a person.
But I feel justified in complaining about this post-facto and unilateral priority shift.

Again, this reflects is a fundamental misunderstanding of the biology of female sexuality. And again, if you want to have sex with someone who thinks about and wants sex no matter what other shit is going on in one's life and no matter how old/postpartum/perimenopausal/menopausal one is, you should find another man.

And if you want to live in a platonic relationship with a partner who prefers Netflix to sex, you should marry another woman. But if you decide to be with a man, don't be surprised when his sex drive remains constant regardless of your disinterest. And the if you chose not to prioritize some amount of frequent sex with him, don't wonder why he is taking 9pm yoga classes with a female friend from work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So much of the male complaining about this issue boils down to: "why can't a woman be more like a man?"

Women are not men. The average woman's sex drive is less than a man's, and the average woman is aroused by different mechanisms than a man is. (E.g., men tend to be much more visual.)

If you want to have sex with someone who is more like you, you are free to find another man and do so. If you want to have sex with a woman, I guess you will have to accept that women might be different from you. That doesn't mean that woman can't work harder to "own her shit." But it does mean that she can own every inch of her shit and she still might not want sex as much as you do and still might not "desire" you in the way that you want.

Actually no. The male complaint is that women's sex drive and changes drastically after marriage and kids.
If she had been upfront about facebook/DCUM/netflix being a higher priority than sex while dating, then shame on me for marrying such a person.
But I feel justified in complaining about this post-facto and unilateral priority shift.

Again, this reflects is a fundamental misunderstanding of the biology of female sexuality. And again, if you want to have sex with someone who thinks about and wants sex no matter what other shit is going on in one's life and no matter how old/postpartum/perimenopausal/menopausal one is, you should find another man.

And if you want to live in a platonic relationship with a partner who prefers Netflix to sex, you should marry another woman. But if you decide to be with a man, don't be surprised when his sex drive remains constant regardless of your disinterest. And the if you chose not to prioritize some amount of frequent sex with him, don't wonder why he is taking 9pm yoga classes with a female friend from work.

You know what I can respect a couple who gets divorced because they realize they have grown apart and aren't being good partners to each other.

I can't respect someone who cheats because he/she isn't getting what he wants and then expects their spouse to just take it.