DH ocd

[Anonymous]

You need to seek counseling for yourself. He's micromanaging you Abe kids life. It's not going to give the kids self-esteem but the opposite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh Op. He sounds like my father. And let me tell you, I was a miserable kid. I kid you not, when I came home with 95% on a math exam in high school, he asked me where the other 5 were. How is he towards the kids? They may be young now but he may end up being a controlling perfectionist ass with them too.

He pushes, though he's positive about it. He's basically a Tiger Dad. He came from nothing and he had a Tiger Mom/Dad with no education and I think that's how he thinks its done. I think he expected me to be a Tiger Mom but I'm pretty Type B.

Example: Larlo practices his new song on the piano. DH says 'Great job, I love the way that sounded, but there was a small issue with the fingering towards the end! Let's practice it 5 more times till there isn't a single mistake!!'.
You get the idea.

How he interacts with me. We're eating a quick meal veggie burrito bowls, and this is how the conversation goes:
Him - 'This tastes really good, I like how you added tofu to it. Did you use the canned beans?'
Me-"Yeah I did. How did you know?".
Him "Oh there is a slight tinny taste. Don't worry, still tastes really good! So how come you used canned? soaked and cooked beans are much better!"
Me - "I was going to make something else but I came home from work a little later and had to fix something fast"
Him 'Well, canned beans really should just be for emergencies. Why don't you just tell me the night before how work is going to go for you, and I will soak and make the beans for you so you don't have to use canned beans?'
Me - "ok"

Do you see what I mean? it's not necessarily mean...it just doesn't given anyone room to be anything other than perfect.

I could not live like this. Run. Run fast.

[Anonymous]

I would leave. I would want my children to have at least some of their childhood spent in a house that was less insane.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm not as bad as your DH, but I can relate. I cook most meals from scratch, use mostly fresh ingredients, except for beans - it wouldn't occur to me to soak beans - and homemade sauces are too time consuming.. Anyway.. There are also things I do with our DC - math worksheets, reading every day, plus enrichment activities.

So it does bother me when my spouse doesn't make an effort. He'll skip reading if he can help it, his hommade dinner will be a bowl of rice and some chopped veggies with stale bread. I make French toast or omlet for breakfast, he makes cereal. So I don't like the other side not making an effort or support my values.

However, it sounds like you do make an effort and this level of perfection is exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I commend OP for not having killed this man in his sleep.

If this were my DH, I would inform him that I do not share his values, and that an obsession with accolades, awards, and accomplishments to this degree is not just exhausting mentally and physically, but a killer of the soul. We were not created to be little machines, buzzing away, attempting to achieve perfection. What purpose does all of this serve in the end? He's like an inverse Donald Trump, trying to fill the hole in his heart with achievements, instead of attention. I used to be like this, a little bit. It is rooted in a terror of failure, a terror of having nothing to think about but who you really are. There is no such thing as perfection, and he needs to get a grip.

Thanks. You get it. I am not a slacker, but I focus my energies on my kids and my work and running. I don't think much about how to be better at domestic stuff, or other aspects of life...I guess I just dont care. He cares about everything.

We had a talk tonight. For someone with a high IQ, he wasn't really following! At the end of it, he said he'd try not to nag ad nauseum, but I could tell he's going to try to stop because it pisses me off so much, and not, because, he can actually understand HOW it could piss me off. He takes criticism well, so doesn't understand why/how others don't.

Don't they teach empathy in med school? I feel, occasionally, like I am dealing with an alien species.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some people are just higher-energy and achieving than others. It seems you and your DH are just uneven in accomplishment and energy levels.

Op here. Yes, this is right on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some people are just higher-energy and achieving than others. It seems you and your DH are just uneven in accomplishment and energy levels.

He sounds like the overachiever family down the street.
All marathon runners, two grad degrees, their kids are all in Ivy League schools playing 1-2 sports, top marks at Whitman HS, super well rounded and actually nice kids and parents.

Could I do any of their 15-18 hour days? Prob not. Would it be difficult to live with them? I guess if I was self conscious or really being put down.

Op's husband needs to just normalize his expectations, pls tell him you just need to relax more.

Yes he is an over achiever. Used to run marathons. Thanks for the input.

[Anonymous]

I would ask him to come to counseling with you a couple of times, maybe the therapist can help him understand how it is exhausting for him to demand perfection from you at all times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to go away for a week. Perhaps your mother is sick or your college best friend is getting chemo. In any case, these will be his responsibilities, and he will be keeping up with all of them, because you will be checking via phone and email and reminding him about each and every one.

I don't think this would work with a man as controlling as this. He wouldn't even let her go away, or her have his mom come in to do everything.

Op here. He actually is fine if I take off for a few hours or a few days. He doesn't give me grief about it at all, and can manage the kids on his own. His own mom was a sahm and didn't do half the things I do, so he has never asked her to help.

I think the issue is that he actually DOES do all of this stuff when he's not working. He cooks on weekends, and is the better cook. He works out everyday. He happily attends whatever kid events he can and is a super involved/encouraging dad. He never wastes food. He speaks exclusively in his language to the kids.

He just doesn't get that others can't keep it up, all the time, even if we agree in principle that it's the better way to do things (which I actually do). I used to do a lot of this stuff on my own before I had kids, before I met him even. But now I am too tired to keep it up, all the time.

Interesting. for me and most of my friends it is pulling teeth to get their husbands to do anything, go anywhere. I just came home from a 48 hour work trip and left for a 26 hour family wedding and Sunday afternoon got home. The house looked like every room puked upon itself. Kids clothes were taken off and dropped in at least 6 different rooms (none in the hamper!), dirty plates on the table and counter (none in the sink!), and the front lawn was 8 inches tall.
And my DH was "so tired" all he could do Sunday afternoon was feign office work but at 5pm when I went to the BR he was napping with earplugs in!

Maybe he did get run ragged by the kids when I was gone and then we had to do late night on Saturday.

OP's husband does sound a bit OCD, or at least very organized. Like an accountant type I know. Can you just tell him that you can't keep up on all of that stuff? You just recharge differently. Make sure to stress what you are doing and that you do care. And some things that you do not care about. Don't get passive here and mysterious, just communicate with him what's realistic for you.

Op again. DH is a genius. He skipped 2 grades, and speaks 5 languages with fluency. I'm not kidding. Almost anything he tries, he becomes good at within a short amount of time. he manages (well) to work a research job, work a clinic job, and also volunteer his hours weekly with a free clinic with homeless people. Yes, most people think he is the nicest guy in the world.

He does not buy that anyone is 'natural' at anything - he thinks its all about training, effort, support, encouragement. So yes, if we support our son well enough he could play at Julliard one day. or our daughter could be a professional soccer player if we support her enough.

I've told him I can't keep up, and then he wants to sit down and work through it so it gets done the way he wants it - i.e., he now spends his weekends making (home-made) pesto, hummus, tomato sauce, black beans, etc. He'll just shrug and say "yeah, I get that you are busy, so i'll just do it". which is nice, but he'll NEVER just take the easier way out of things, even every once in a while. It makes life a struggle. Especially with young kids and working full time.

Well, I'm sure I'm the only one on this thread that will say this, but this post made me a little jealous. My husband is also incredibly smart and also has super high standards (about different things -- home cooked food is not one of them), but he doesn't really step up to correct the things he complains about. The house is a mess, the kids are unruly and don't work hard enough, etc...but he doesn't step up to correct the problem and, when he does say something, it is not in the super nice way that you describe your husband (e.g., the missed piano notes -- my husband would just say "That sounds terrible. You're rushing. You need to stop and work harder to get it right instead of just playing whatever.")
In your case, I think I would be honest with him that I just don't have the energy to keep up with his standards, but I adore all the home-made pesto, so if he has the time and energy to do that after work and playing with the kids and everything else, that's great, but that it would put me in the loony bin, which I'm sure he doesn't want. And then I would sit back and eat my home-made pesto and listen to my kids lovely piano playing and ignore the passive-aggressive comments about how many times I'd been to the gym! That's absolutely what 99% of men would do. Read all the posts from women about men that can't meet their house-keeping and child-rearing standards -- do you think those guys are posting on DCUM about how they are so bummed that they can't meet their wives' standards (which apparently typically include things like occasionally feeding the kids, and wiping their poopy butts)? No, they are willfully oblivious and turn on the game. You need to let yourself be a little bit more like the average American male and be comfortable with disappointing your spouse. Once you can cheerfully say "Yeah, I SHOULD go to the gym 7 days a week. But the couch is so comfortable!" then you can just relax and enjoy all the things he is apparently willing and eager to do!

Thanks, that is an idea! That's actually what my friends say, they call me the guy in the relationship because I really just don't care about half the details he is concerned with.

[Anonymous]

Is he on the autism spectrum?

[Anonymous]

Is it possible to say to him -- for example when he goes on his anti canned beans rant -- "Canned beans are fine for me." That's it. Don't tell him off, don't engage with him about soaking the beans or give him some cold edgy diatribe about why you won't comply. Just set your boundary: the beans are fine for you. And change the subject and move on. Let him pick up the obsession/compulsion if that's what he cares to do; let him own the tension in the room. Do not engage; simply tell him what your limits and terms are for YOU.

[Anonymous]

And I should add, repeat this one message: "Canned beans are fine for me" in the face of any and all comments. Period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh god, OP, are you married to my DH? They sound so similar except mine is not so involved, especially in the cooking stuff. But to him I don't cook enough and I don't cook enough healthy food and I should cook two meals every night so there is food when he gets home earlier than me and he's STARVING.

He's also super authoritarian with our toddler. It's ridiculous.

He's constantly pushing me to make more money, find a new career, etc etc etc. I'm the "least contributor" of the household so I "get the least amount of say" in decisions (ie, moving). Last night he said we are not teammates, he is the leader and I'm just tagging along for the ride. I told him he deserves to die alone. Good times!

All that to say, I feel for you OP. I keep hoping a perfect opportunity will come along for me to leave him. Like he does something so egregious I couldn't possibly stay. Or it magically gets better. While I wait for that, I take a lot of Klonopin.

Your example was pretty darn egregious, OP. Maybe you are so used to it you can't see it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh god, OP, are you married to my DH? They sound so similar except mine is not so involved, especially in the cooking stuff. But to him I don't cook enough and I don't cook enough healthy food and I should cook two meals every night so there is food when he gets home earlier than me and he's STARVING.

He's also super authoritarian with our toddler. It's ridiculous.

He's constantly pushing me to make more money, find a new career, etc etc etc. I'm the "least contributor" of the household so I "get the least amount of say" in decisions (ie, moving). Last night he said we are not teammates, he is the leader and I'm just tagging along for the ride. I told him he deserves to die alone. Good times!

All that to say, I feel for you OP. I keep hoping a perfect opportunity will come along for me to leave him. Like he does something so egregious I couldn't possibly stay. Or it magically gets better. While I wait for that, I take a lot of Klonopin.

Your example was pretty darn egregious, OP. Maybe you are so used to it you can't see it.

Meant PP, not OP.

[Anonymous]

OP: You owe it to your marriage to let your husband know this is crushing your spirit and it will do the same to your children. Does he not realize what he's doing? He thinks his comments are inspiring. I would talk to him and INSIST you both get some therapy - -together or individually. Good luck.