DH ocd

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh Op. He sounds like my father. And let me tell you, I was a miserable kid. I kid you not, when I came home with 95% on a math exam in high school, he asked me where the other 5 were. How is he towards the kids? They may be young now but he may end up being a controlling perfectionist ass with them too.

He pushes, though he's positive about it. He's basically a Tiger Dad. He came from nothing and he had a Tiger Mom/Dad with no education and I think that's how he thinks its done. I think he expected me to be a Tiger Mom but I'm pretty Type B.

Example: Larlo practices his new song on the piano. DH says 'Great job, I love the way that sounded, but there was a small issue with the fingering towards the end! Let's practice it 5 more times till there isn't a single mistake!!'.
You get the idea.

How he interacts with me. We're eating a quick meal veggie burrito bowls, and this is how the conversation goes:
Him - 'This tastes really good, I like how you added tofu to it. Did you use the canned beans?'
Me-"Yeah I did. How did you know?".
Him "Oh there is a slight tinny taste. Don't worry, still tastes really good! So how come you used canned? soaked and cooked beans are much better!"
Me - "I was going to make something else but I came home from work a little later and had to fix something fast"
Him 'Well, canned beans really should just be for emergencies. Why don't you just tell me the night before how work is going to go for you, and I will soak and make the beans for you so you don't have to use canned beans?'
Me - "ok"

Do you see what I mean? it's not necessarily mean...it just doesn't given anyone room to be anything other than perfect.

So yeah, the bolded, no way. Here's a better response:

Me- "How about you can complain about canned beans when you come home early enough to make dinner? I will not be talked to like I'm a child and I don't appreciate the condescension. I am grown up and am fully capable of deciding whether or not to use canned beans in our family dinner."

+1000 by saying "ok" you are accepting these comments, even encouraging them. Next time, "if it still tastes really good, why the F are we talking about it? There's nothing to fix. BTW I made dinner and you're welcome."

[Anonymous]

I commend OP for not having killed this man in his sleep.

If this were my DH, I would inform him that I do not share his values, and that an obsession with accolades, awards, and accomplishments to this degree is not just exhausting mentally and physically, but a killer of the soul. We were not created to be little machines, buzzing away, attempting to achieve perfection. What purpose does all of this serve in the end? He's like an inverse Donald Trump, trying to fill the hole in his heart with achievements, instead of attention. I used to be like this, a little bit. It is rooted in a terror of failure, a terror of having nothing to think about but who you really are. There is no such thing as perfection, and he needs to get a grip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:wow. are you sure to want to stay married? I'm sorry. I could NOT TOLERATE someone telling me how to parents, and in SUCH ridiculous exacting terms.

I was all set to say "oh! my husband had OCD issues too!" but then i read your message, and that is not OCD. that is 100% controlling and could easily turn worse. I'm sorry OP!

I wonder sometimes. I can't tolerate it sometimes. Its like death by a thousand paper cuts. I take refuge in work or running. Here's the thing, he's not physically abusive, he doesn't use foul language, and he will never have an affair (see rigid moral values). So...pretty sure we'll end up with a joint custody situation, am I right? So that means my kids will have to deal with the perfectionist attitude on their own, half the time, without me to balance it out? Ugh.

Just not sure what's the right choice here. I get that he loves me in his own weird way. He asks for my opinion before he makes any career choice. He often listens to me - or at least, it feels like we've made the decision together. He'll get my preferences if we're buying something, more often just going with what I want (say new wood paneling in our guest bathroom or whatever). He remembers (before me) all our first "days" (first date, proposal, etc.). He's very complimentary of my appearance, and my career/intellect, although in general he doesn't comment on people's appearances or how much money they make. But boy, will he notice if he's at your house and you've put something recyclable in the trash! He'll definitely comment to me about that later, aghast.

Thanks for everyone's support. I called my therapist and said I need to see her weekly (not every other week) and am seeing her tomorrow, and I and talked to my PCP and asked for an SSRI. I've never been on one before, but I've been feeling so very down about this lately that I've been dreading waking up every morning. She's given my a referral for a psychiatrist so we'll see.

You may have mentioned this already, but does he know how unhappy you are? I would tell him. I would be very upfront. I'm the PP you replied to and my husband is also a perfectionist although not as extreme. I parent however I want; he isn't as involved in the kids day to day activities. Anyway, he knows he is inflexible and that it bothers me. He "tries" to be better (on some things). Would your husband try? Would he do therapy? In the meantime...Maybe you could feed the kids earlier? Do other things to workaround his demands.

[Anonymous]

Some people are just higher-energy and achieving than others. It seems you and your DH are just uneven in accomplishment and energy levels.

[Anonymous]

First question, WHO DIED AND MADE HIM GOD ?

Second question, you can afford help. Why don't you hire some ?

Third question, are you miserable yet ?

You know what happens sometimes to high achiever wives and the pressure they're put under ? They snap.

http://crimeblog.dallasnews.com/2016/03/wife-of-van-cliburn-winning-pianist-charged-with-capital-murder-for-death-of-daughters.html/

If I were you, I'd be gone already or he would have a very bad accident. Maybe slavery is okay in his country but not here. This is borderline if not actual domestic violence. You don't need a beating to be beat down.

Take your kids and leave. Have a life. You live in prison and for some reason don't think you do.

l

[Anonymous]

OP here.

To answer people's questions, we are both from (different) Asian cultures. We were both born here.

To all those who are telling me to leave, can you please just tell me how the courts would see it, in terms of custody? I asked this question before - he's not abusive (physically) or verbally in the traditional sense (never uses words like idiot, stupid, shut up, curse words) or has ever done anything unethical (affair, cheating on taxes, stealing, etc.). HE GIVES FREE MEDICAL CARE TO HOMELESS PEOPLE. He comes to almost every school meeting, every performance, every game, and tries to be home for tuck-in time. He's just pedantic and inflexible and thinks his way of doing everything is the better way. How would courts see this in terms of custody? I've spoken with my cousin about this (attorney) who seemed doubtful that it would be *anything* but joint custody...

Should I just protect myself and get out, and not worry that they'll be left to be "beaten down" (emotionally) half the time without me to buffer?

[Anonymous]

He'll get joint custody.

He'll be demanding of the children without you there to buffer. That's extremely unlikely to change.

But when the kids are with you, they'll be free from all that pressure. Life will be normal.

So you have to decide what's better/worse for the kids. Spending half the time dealing with that extreme perfectionism and half the time in a normal environment, or spending all their time in the extremely perfectionistic environment with you trying to make it not seem so abnormal, but in the end doing everything the way DH wants because it's easier than telling him no.

[Anonymous]

Leave him.

[Anonymous]

This sounds like a soul-sucking situation.

[Anonymous]

I don't think it's healthy for the kids to see him treat you this way, OP--it's infantilizing.

[Anonymous]

My first husband was similar, a real control freak. I couldn't divorce him at the time for many reasons so I encouraged him to work more, and I kept busy so I didn't have to see him as much. He couldn't nag, complain or bitch if I wasn't in the room. I'm a person though that can find happiness on my own, not all women are like that. At this point I would stay since your kids are little, but let him sound off to the wind. Parent the kids the way you want, take them out to eat and be gone a few nights during the week. Take a flower arranging class or some hobby or go to a friends...Leave dinner for what's his name..or tell him he's on his own that night.

Honestly divorced with kids can be a bigger nightmare so keep that in mind. Enjoy your kids and disengage from his nonsense. Not worth arguing, plus he has to be gone a lot with his wackiness and awards, lol. When I finally divorced my husband I had 3 friends who said I was crazy. They said they would love a husband that works all the time for the lifestyle we had. They were probably right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To put a long story short, I married a guy with OCD, or a short temper, or maybe a combination of both. When we were dating, I didn't see it. I didn't even see it our first years of marriage. He had high expectations of himself, and I noticed of his parents, but he didn't put them on me. Then it really started when we had our first kid, and now, 10 years into the marriage, its gotten really bad. I don't know if he's verbally abusive but certainly often snarky, condescending, and pedantic. He doesn't name call or curse, but the things he says (sometimes yells) are very judgmental. His expectations about everything are really high (he's got a truly photographic memory and in medicine) and sometimes to my mind, unreasonable.

Some examples:
-Every meal needs to be home cooked with whole ingredients (if its not, it's taking the lazy way out, and not focusing on our kids' health). So I will get a 15 min lecture about the evils of added sugar if I buy jarred sauce.
-Not cleaning the kids' plate or our plates is a sign of wasteful and horrible modern values. (so that means I end up only eating the kids leftovers to avoid waste).
-One of us needs to attend all the kids lessons so that we can properly help them (again, otherwise it's just using the piano teacher as a baby sitter, which is irresponsible and unfair to the child).
-One of us needs to be around when the kids are doing an app on the ipad or watching TV, so that their time is 'active'. (i.e let the kids watch the discovery channel and occasionally point out things that are being shown - otherwise its going to rot their brain). So that means I can't even distract the kids to cook the damn home cooked meal.
-Its good that I work out for 30 mins three times a week, but I should really aim for 5-7.
-I should speak only in my native language to my kids, despite him not knowing it, because otherwise I'm not giving the kids the gift of a flexible mind that will recover quickly from brain injury and stroke. Even though at this point, English is my first language. So I get a lecture every time he hears me slip back in in English.
-I should use whatever free time I have (which is what, -10000 hours??) to come up with a more creative and entrepreneurial investment strategy so that our savings don't just sit in vanguard index funds (our current strategy, which he thinks is intellectually lazy).
-How come I don't sew the kids clothes when I know how to, and own a sewing machine? Why aren't I using this as an opportunity to teach our kids sewing, and only use it to hem pants?
-Why don't I get more involved in gardening, when I grew up with a garden and know a little bit? Why do I insist on only doing a few vegetables each year? Why can't I aim for an entirely sustainable kitchen garden that we can eat off of, all summer long?

You get the idea, it goes on and on. There's no end in sight to his expectations.

I work a federal job full time with flexible hours, so these types of expectations fall on my disproportionately, as he works much longer hours. He had to work one day this weekend, and in the time he was gone, the kids and I went to a birthday party, and planted our (container) vegetable garden. They also practiced instruments/dance/karate, and read out loud to me. The older one practiced her written letter writing in my (native) language. Then we just played, breaking only to eat our (home cooked, from scratch) dinner. When he came home, after dinner, despite the older one being tired from all the activity, he starts quizzing them on math patterns and geography.

This is just how he is. He expects go, go, go from everyone. He expects perfection or excellence in everything. He has no empathy, no flexibility.

A decade of this has left me just completely mentally exhausted. I'm tired of being told how everything I do is just not good enough. I'm tired of the lectures as if I'm a kid. I pretty much long for the minute my head hits the pillow every night, starting right from the morning when he looks at me askance for putting milk and cereal (all those added sugars!) in front of the kids.

And no, he won't go to therapy (couples or individual). Why should he when he just wants us both to do everything right? And I want to continue doing some things wrong, just because its easier or because I'm stubborn? I myself am in therapy recently, hoping it will help me sort this out.

Thanks for reading, I actually just needed to vent. But if anyone can relate and has some thoughts, I'd love to hear it.

Op the next time he goes into his tirade stop him and ask him if he ever saw the show Wives with knives, Till death due us part, Snapped, and so on.
Let him know if he doesn't stop his controlling, narcissist ways someone is going to star on one or all of those shows. Then go to the library and check out all those crime books...for example: If I can't have you no one else will, Women who kill....I think you get the picture.

If he still is a nag, start talking about life insurance with high dollar amounts.

[Anonymous]

Your husband sure is INTENSE OP! And that is really an understatement too.

Just reading your comprehensive posting made me feel mentally drained.
While I do not have a medical license, it doesn't sound like your husband is experiencing O-C-D.

He seems more to be on some sort of power trip where being in full control sustains his self-esteem.
His treatment of both you & the kids is downright borderline abuse I will have to say.

Nothing you can do will ever ever be good enough for him and all the effort you exert will just drain you + your children.

This is a toxic upbringing and it's not fair for your children whatsoever.

You need to speak directly to your spouse about his demands on the family. Explain it is not a healthy upbringing for the kids and may cause them huge anxiety + insecurity issues for life!
And do not forget to mention yourself as well. You are suffering the effects of his strict demands too which does not bode too well for your marriage.

If he refuses to change his ways or seek professional help, in all honesty no one could blame you if you left this insecure control freak.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some people are just higher-energy and achieving than others. It seems you and your DH are just uneven in accomplishment and energy levels.

He sounds like the overachiever family down the street.
All marathon runners, two grad degrees, their kids are all in Ivy League schools playing 1-2 sports, top marks at Whitman HS, super well rounded and actually nice kids and parents.

Could I do any of their 15-18 hour days? Prob not. Would it be difficult to live with them? I guess if I was self conscious or really being put down.

Op's husband needs to just normalize his expectations, pls tell him you just need to relax more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to go away for a week. Perhaps your mother is sick or your college best friend is getting chemo. In any case, these will be his responsibilities, and he will be keeping up with all of them, because you will be checking via phone and email and reminding him about each and every one.

I don't think this would work with a man as controlling as this. He wouldn't even let her go away, or her have his mom come in to do everything.

Op here. He actually is fine if I take off for a few hours or a few days. He doesn't give me grief about it at all, and can manage the kids on his own. His own mom was a sahm and didn't do half the things I do, so he has never asked her to help.

I think the issue is that he actually DOES do all of this stuff when he's not working. He cooks on weekends, and is the better cook. He works out everyday. He happily attends whatever kid events he can and is a super involved/encouraging dad. He never wastes food. He speaks exclusively in his language to the kids.

He just doesn't get that others can't keep it up, all the time, even if we agree in principle that it's the better way to do things (which I actually do). I used to do a lot of this stuff on my own before I had kids, before I met him even. But now I am too tired to keep it up, all the time.

Interesting. for me and most of my friends it is pulling teeth to get their husbands to do anything, go anywhere. I just came home from a 48 hour work trip and left for a 26 hour family wedding and Sunday afternoon got home. The house looked like every room puked upon itself. Kids clothes were taken off and dropped in at least 6 different rooms (none in the hamper!), dirty plates on the table and counter (none in the sink!), and the front lawn was 8 inches tall.
And my DH was "so tired" all he could do Sunday afternoon was feign office work but at 5pm when I went to the BR he was napping with earplugs in!

Maybe he did get run ragged by the kids when I was gone and then we had to do late night on Saturday.

OP's husband does sound a bit OCD, or at least very organized. Like an accountant type I know. Can you just tell him that you can't keep up on all of that stuff? You just recharge differently. Make sure to stress what you are doing and that you do care. And some things that you do not care about. Don't get passive here and mysterious, just communicate with him what's realistic for you.

Op again. DH is a genius. He skipped 2 grades, and speaks 5 languages with fluency. I'm not kidding. Almost anything he tries, he becomes good at within a short amount of time. he manages (well) to work a research job, work a clinic job, and also volunteer his hours weekly with a free clinic with homeless people. Yes, most people think he is the nicest guy in the world.

He does not buy that anyone is 'natural' at anything - he thinks its all about training, effort, support, encouragement. So yes, if we support our son well enough he could play at Julliard one day. or our daughter could be a professional soccer player if we support her enough.

I've told him I can't keep up, and then he wants to sit down and work through it so it gets done the way he wants it - i.e., he now spends his weekends making (home-made) pesto, hummus, tomato sauce, black beans, etc. He'll just shrug and say "yeah, I get that you are busy, so i'll just do it". which is nice, but he'll NEVER just take the easier way out of things, even every once in a while. It makes life a struggle. Especially with young kids and working full time.

Well, I'm sure I'm the only one on this thread that will say this, but this post made me a little jealous. My husband is also incredibly smart and also has super high standards (about different things -- home cooked food is not one of them), but he doesn't really step up to correct the things he complains about. The house is a mess, the kids are unruly and don't work hard enough, etc...but he doesn't step up to correct the problem and, when he does say something, it is not in the super nice way that you describe your husband (e.g., the missed piano notes -- my husband would just say "That sounds terrible. You're rushing. You need to stop and work harder to get it right instead of just playing whatever.")
In your case, I think I would be honest with him that I just don't have the energy to keep up with his standards, but I adore all the home-made pesto, so if he has the time and energy to do that after work and playing with the kids and everything else, that's great, but that it would put me in the loony bin, which I'm sure he doesn't want. And then I would sit back and eat my home-made pesto and listen to my kids lovely piano playing and ignore the passive-aggressive comments about how many times I'd been to the gym! That's absolutely what 99% of men would do. Read all the posts from women about men that can't meet their house-keeping and child-rearing standards -- do you think those guys are posting on DCUM about how they are so bummed that they can't meet their wives' standards (which apparently typically include things like occasionally feeding the kids, and wiping their poopy butts)? No, they are willfully oblivious and turn on the game. You need to let yourself be a little bit more like the average American male and be comfortable with disappointing your spouse. Once you can cheerfully say "Yeah, I SHOULD go to the gym 7 days a week. But the couch is so comfortable!" then you can just relax and enjoy all the things he is apparently willing and eager to do!