DH ocd

[Anonymous]

Aspergers?

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, but I fail to see OP's DH as super successful. IMO one element of success is an ability to relate to and care for others. OP you're blinded to his faults bc you're overly focused on his résumé. He is a one dimensional person and you deserve better.

-PP who said perfectionism is a mask for anxiety

[Anonymous]

As someone with anxiety, I'm not getting that it's anxiety so much.

[Anonymous]

10:06 here. IME (and many other type A overachievers I've met) the compulsive need for everything to meet some impossible standard is a mix of narcissism and deep insecurity. The anxiety comes from the internal pressure to be perfect, the best, good at everything, never fail. Then one externalizes this to other people who can never live up to these standards.

[Anonymous]

Op here. So I don't think he's Asperger's. He actually has lots of long-standing close friends who make fun of him for his tendencies. And most people really do like him - he's got a good sense of humor and always the first to help at stuff, volunteer, etc. I get told how lucky I am constantly, sometimes by my own parents, though I think that's because I totally wear a mask now. I don't really talk about this stuff with anyone except my cousin and my therapist and now you guys!! LOL.

I don't think I am so focused on his resume. I wrote it out here so you all can see the two sides of his personality. I met him early, way before all this success. I thought he was funny, super supportive of my career goals, loyal and driven but nothing was actualized when we started dating. And like I said, a lot of this perfectionism I didn't realize until the kids were toddlers. That is when it became more apparent. Although I suppose the signs were always there - the exceptionally neat way his closet and car always were, the way he is always so regimented about his morning routine, the fact that we'd have to consider 25 tables in six different stores before buying one for our tiny apartment so he could get the perfect one. But all of those compulsions, if that is the correct word, were for the most part, self-inflicted.

Thanks for your comments, DCUM. You've given me a lot to think about. Just putting it all out there has been kind of a relief to me. I am heading to talk to the my therapist now and I hope for the best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it possible to say to him -- for example when he goes on his anti canned beans rant -- "Canned beans are fine for me." That's it. Don't tell him off, don't engage with him about soaking the beans or give him some cold edgy diatribe about why you won't comply. Just set your boundary: the beans are fine for you. And change the subject and move on. Let him pick up the obsession/compulsion if that's what he cares to do; let him own the tension in the room. Do not engage; simply tell him what your limits and terms are for YOU.

This is actually exactly what my therapist told me to do at our last appt. I get into defensive/explaining mode.

[Anonymous]

Fuck OP I'm just like your DH. But I don't push it on anybody. It's the way I am and if you are untidy I just look the other way. I'm OCD when it comes to my house, car, and work. My closet are neat, car is usually shiny, house constantly get vacuumed and dusted. It was not always like that when I was married with kids. Divorced now and kids are grown and out of the house so I can just OCD away. It's awesome having a clean house after 20 years of cluttered home.

[Anonymous]

I suggest not engaging, beyond "sorry, that is the best I can do"

When he expects you to do something too demanding, you say no.

When he wonder why you aren't gardening or investing more, you simply say you don't have time.

It is also OK to say that you do not agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh Op. He sounds like my father. And let me tell you, I was a miserable kid. I kid you not, when I came home with 95% on a math exam in high school, he asked me where the other 5 were. How is he towards the kids? They may be young now but he may end up being a controlling perfectionist ass with them too.

He pushes, though he's positive about it. He's basically a Tiger Dad. He came from nothing and he had a Tiger Mom/Dad with no education and I think that's how he thinks its done. I think he expected me to be a Tiger Mom but I'm pretty Type B.

Example: Larlo practices his new song on the piano. DH says 'Great job, I love the way that sounded, but there was a small issue with the fingering towards the end! Let's practice it 5 more times till there isn't a single mistake!!'.
You get the idea.

How he interacts with me. We're eating a quick meal veggie burrito bowls, and this is how the conversation goes:
Him - 'This tastes really good, I like how you added tofu to it. Did you use the canned beans?'
Me-"Yeah I did. How did you know?".
Him "Oh there is a slight tinny taste. Don't worry, still tastes really good! So how come you used canned? soaked and cooked beans are much better!"
Me - "I was going to make something else but I came home from work a little later and had to fix something fast"
Him 'Well, canned beans really should just be for emergencies. Why don't you just tell me the night before how work is going to go for you, and I will soak and make the beans for you so you don't have to use canned beans?'
Me - "ok"

Do you see what I mean? it's not necessarily mean...it just doesn't given anyone room to be anything other than perfect.

Sorry OP. I could never live like this - I'm far too type B to deal - but this one made me laugh. If my DH said this I probably would laugh, followed by a 'sorry, my magic 8 ball must have been broken last night.'

I also wonder how your DH does at dealing with the unexpected? When things go off plan?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, but I fail to see OP's DH as super successful. IMO one element of success is an ability to relate to and care for others. OP you're blinded to his faults bc you're overly focused on his résumé. He is a one dimensional person and you deserve better.

-PP who said perfectionism is a mask for anxiety

This thread and most threads on DCUM sum up what marriage is really like here. Best for men to stay single if you live here

[Anonymous]

Tough life, OP. I don't know why anybody would tolerate this.

[Anonymous]

http://m.imgur.com/4jNcme8?r

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I commend OP for not having killed this man in his sleep.

If this were my DH, I would inform him that I do not share his values, and that an obsession with accolades, awards, and accomplishments to this degree is not just exhausting mentally and physically, but a killer of the soul. We were not created to be little machines, buzzing away, attempting to achieve perfection. What purpose does all of this serve in the end? He's like an inverse Donald Trump, trying to fill the hole in his heart with achievements, instead of attention. I used to be like this, a little bit. It is rooted in a terror of failure, a terror of having nothing to think about but who you really are. There is no such thing as perfection, and he needs to get a grip.

Thanks. You get it. I am not a slacker, but I focus my energies on my kids and my work and running. I don't think much about how to be better at domestic stuff, or other aspects of life...I guess I just dont care. He cares about everything.

We had a talk tonight. For someone with a high IQ, he wasn't really following! At the end of it, he said he'd try not to nag ad nauseum, but I could tell he's going to try to stop because it pisses me off so much, and not, because, he can actually understand HOW it could piss me off. He takes criticism well, so doesn't understand why/how others don't.

Don't they teach empathy in med school? I feel, occasionally, like I am dealing with an alien species.

Lack of empathy is a key trait for narcissists. I would do some reading about this. It can be such a subtle manipulation that most outside observers wouldn't catch it. Your example with the beans sounds like classic narcissistic manipulation/abuse.

[Anonymous]

I'm a pretty beta person in all areas except my education/career and i agree with OPs DH in that I hate canned beans! I agree that they have an artificial tinny taste and that soaking dried beans is the way to go! Why are all these people freaking out about the beans comment?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a pretty beta person in all areas except my education/career and i agree with OPs DH in that I hate canned beans! I agree that they have an artificial tinny taste and that soaking dried beans is the way to go! Why are all these people freaking out about the beans comment?!

Because it's not about the beans?