happy in passionless marriage - anyone out there

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For those of you with zero attraction to your spouse -- why did you marry them?? It seems very selfish.

I'm the PP. I don't have zero attraction to my DH. He's very attractive. It's monogamy that us the killer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband of 5 years (no kids) and I had real issues stemming partially from mental health issues that really drove us apart. We have put in a lot of work to tackle the problems, improve communication etc, and have a pleasant life and relationship. But I feel no passion for him, love and respect but no real desire. He's low drive so that won't drive him crazy - but I'm trying to decide whether this will keep me happy long term if it's as good as we'll get.

Has anyone been happy long term in a marriage like this? Or does it eventually build up and topple everything.

OP, your next relationship will become passionless with time too. It is the nature of long-term relationships. Because you have no children, there is no compelling reason for you to stay.

Happiness has little to do with it, so you are asking the wrong question.

I agree, and I wish this whole idea of passion, romance and marriage would just die off. It is a recently developed and I think misguided view of marriage that has taken over western culture and not at all realistic. Respect, companionship, alignment of life goals/priorities, yes. Sparks and passion, they last only a short time and they are no reason to get married or stay married.

I agree. I also agree with PPs who say that children change the rules of the engagement, so if you married a person for passion and intend to procreate, good luck to you! Better have a lot of common ground lined up when the passion goes out the window. No thoughts on child-free marriages. I guess things just change over time, because nothing is permanent in this world.

In fact, the idea of romantic love and a marriage based on romantic love stems from the European Renaissance. Yes, it has absolutely overtaken the Western popular culture, and our girls are brainwashed to start planning their white weddings since infancy. This leads to a whole ton of disappointment when they grow up and realize that fairy tales are just that. From the biological perspective, attraction of two young and healthy people lasts for about 5 years or so. Enough for the female to get pregnant, give birth, and nurse the offspring to the age of relative survivablity with the help of the male. Once that enterprise is over, the couple is compelled to move to other partners to shake up the genetic pool for the greater good of humanity. Everything else is imposed by society, and often for a good reason. Family, greater community, your support network, your emotional and financial stability, your chldren's safety and inherited wealth are nothing to sneeze at.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For those of you with zero attraction to your spouse -- why did you marry them?? It seems very selfish.

I don't think zero attraction is even possible for a young and healthy individual In most cases, strong attraction was there to begin with. Then it lessened. Why people marry? Oh God, there are like millions of reasons why people marry

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am in a great, happy, fulfilling marriage, but "passion" isn't ever a word I would use to describe my relationship (DW here. High drive). We have two kids and I respect and deeply love my husband as a great match for my soul.

Right now, our sex lives are built on love and respect. As another PP noted, nothing else can fill the void of sex. We have sex 1-2 times per week, it is satisfying and provides us connection. It is based in love and kindness, but not passion. However, if we didn't both make the effort because we know we need to, sex could easily fall off the radar.

Do I dream about having a passion filled romantic life? Sometimes. But mostly I've told myself that I have a really great, loving, supportive, and amazing relationship. And would I want to sacrifice any of that to have passion? For me the answer is "no. that is not worth it to me."

This is similar to me and my husband,except we have one kid and have sex a lot less frequently and at this point mainly for TTC purposes (we've been trying for nearly a year with several miscarriages and we're concerned with getting timing right). I am fairly low drive. DH is less so but not high drive by any means; we were both virgins when we got engaged at the age of 27 and it wasn't a huge hardship for either of us. I respect and deeply love my husband, and I find him attractive. I believe he finds me attractive and I know he loves and respects me. But we don't necessarily always express that attraction physically, particularly with a toddler and concern about timing sex properly.

I don't really dream about a passion-filled life. I don't think I'd be happy. I've always been fairly cerebral and controlled and I don't have any desire to experience uncontrollable lust. There are a lot of men I find handsome and attractive but I've never really seen someone on the street or in bar and felt the urge to jump him. Just isn't my style.

I am very happy in my marriage, and I think DH is too. More spontaneous sex would be good. So would a second child. At the moment we're prioritizing the latter. I can see that we will have to work hard in the coming years to have enough sex to keep DH satisfied and I am ok with that. 3 or 4 times a month is satisfying for me but if DH needs more (and tells me so), he'll get it. Many people would probably define this as passionless but we're okay with it.

The key is that you are both on the same page. I'd say two people who were both virgins at 27 are low drive and passionless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I stuck it out for about 20 years. We probably had sex 20 times while we were married. It was really odd. I think both of us were passionate people, but my ex had some issues in his childhood that prevented him from maintaining a passionate relationship when we went from dating to marriage.

We had a decent relationship, one kid, and worked well together for the most part. I was, however, very lonely. In the long run, it really did a number on my self esteem. In retrospect, it was not as healthy as relationship as I thought it was (don't laugh at me -- I know that is a weird thing to say). I thought that I was sticking by him and just appreciating what I could.

Eventually, he had an affair and we split up. We probably should have spilt up after about 5 years -- before we had a child.

I'm actually much happier now, but I do miss having a "partner" in parenting, household chores, and financial responsibility.

There's no easy answer. You may leave and find happiness with someone else, but you may end up alone. Same for him.

But you don't have a lover now? You are just very low drive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How many long term marriages have passion?

I'm guessing 3 percent

Yup. How much passion do you expect after 20+ yrs, kids, etc. Ask any gyno. They'll tell you most women over a certain age say that if they never had sex again, they won't care.

I guess I'm in that 3 percent. My husband and I have been together almost 24 years, married for 19, and we still have decent sex, usually twice a week. We are in our early 50s and have teenagers at home. If I wasn't getting it from him, I'd certainly seek it elsewhere. What do older women want in life if not sex? Curling up in their pajamas with a good book lol?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For those of you with zero attraction to your spouse -- why did you marry them?? It seems very selfish.

I was passionate about him when we married. His laziness, lack of creativity/adventurousness in the bedroom and his 45 pound weight gain have all worked to diminish that attraction.

[Anonymous]

All marriages are not passionate most of the time, if you want passion take up pottery or you'll end up divorced multiple times

[Anonymous]

Op here - I don't mean passionate in terms of wanting to rip each other's clothes off all the time (though that would be great too) just a love that's different from how I feel about a dear friend - however you want to call romantic love

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those of you with zero attraction to your spouse -- why did you marry them?? It seems very selfish.

I was passionate about him when we married. His laziness, lack of creativity/adventurousness in the bedroom and his 45 pound weight gain have all worked to diminish that attraction.

Are you sure that's what it was? From other posts in this thread, it sounds like there's a good chance you would have lost that attraction even if he was a productive, creative, fit husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here - I don't mean passionate in terms of wanting to rip each other's clothes off all the time (though that would be great too) just a love that's different from how I feel about a dear friend - however you want to call romantic love

You bring up a good point. Everyones definition of passion is different. Ive had one very passionate relationship. The sex was explosive. It was daily and we could have done it for hours. He brought me to places Ill never go again. I was consumed by him. Our relationship was as explosive as the sex. I'm glad I had this mind blowing passion with someone. It is a feeling unlike any other. However , like all hot fires and addictions, it is not sustainable and certainly not what healthy marriages are made of.

My relationship now is more of hot coals burning low and slow. What you describe sounds like your spouse is squarely in the friend zone which is death of a marriage for someone as young as yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here - I don't mean passionate in terms of wanting to rip each other's clothes off all the time (though that would be great too) just a love that's different from how I feel about a dear friend - however you want to call romantic love

You bring up a good point. Everyones definition of passion is different. Ive had one very passionate relationship. The sex was explosive. It was daily and we could have done it for hours. He brought me to places Ill never go again. I was consumed by him. Our relationship was as explosive as the sex. I'm glad I had this mind blowing passion with someone. It is a feeling unlike any other. However , like all hot fires and addictions, it is not sustainable and certainly not what healthy marriages are made of.

My relationship now is more of hot coals burning low and slow. What you describe sounds like your spouse is squarely in the friend zone which is death of a marriage for someone as young as yourself.

Yes I guess that's what I'm really describing, we've put a lot of work in and have a "good" partnership in terms of all the major check boxes (communication, goals etc) but due to everything that's happened, while I care about him as a person and a friend, I don't see feelings go beyond a good friendship type of love. So I'm curious if that ends up being enough for people that wish they had more than that - given no marriage is perfect is there a way to be happy with this as good enough. and should I even try to be happy with it as good enough. when there are so many bad marriages out there it seems greedy to throw away one that is functionally good, but right now it feels like there's a big hole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here - I don't mean passionate in terms of wanting to rip each other's clothes off all the time (though that would be great too) just a love that's different from how I feel about a dear friend - however you want to call romantic love

You bring up a good point. Everyones definition of passion is different. Ive had one very passionate relationship. The sex was explosive. It was daily and we could have done it for hours. He brought me to places Ill never go again. I was consumed by him. Our relationship was as explosive as the sex. I'm glad I had this mind blowing passion with someone. It is a feeling unlike any other. However , like all hot fires and addictions, it is not sustainable and certainly not what healthy marriages are made of.

My relationship now is more of hot coals burning low and slow. What you describe sounds like your spouse is squarely in the friend zone which is death of a marriage for someone as young as yourself.

Yes I guess that's what I'm really describing, we've put a lot of work in and have a "good" partnership in terms of all the major check boxes (communication, goals etc) but due to everything that's happened, while I care about him as a person and a friend, I don't see feelings go beyond a good friendship type of love. So I'm curious if that ends up being enough for people that wish they had more than that - given no marriage is perfect is there a way to be happy with this as good enough. and should I even try to be happy with it as good enough. when there are so many bad marriages out there it seems greedy to throw away one that is functionally good, but right now it feels like there's a big hole.

There is your answer. You feel a hole.

Man here - I don't have "passion" for my wife - I have felt more of that lust feeling with other women. But I don't feel a hole that I am missing something from that perspective. Sex, well, of course, I can't be happy without that.

[Anonymous]

Feminist websites have told me that the "friend zone" totally isn't a thing. Just one example:
http://www.rsvlts.com/2015/10/16/friendzone-is-not-a-thing/

I don't believe them.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you don't plan on spending your life with this man, you should move on sooner rather than later. For your own sake, and for his as well. How do you think it would make him feel if you told him what you wrote here?