happy in passionless marriage - anyone out there

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you low drive? I think it can work if both spouses are low drive. I'm in the same situation where I'm happy enough being married but have zero attraction to my spouse. The problem is I'm not low drive and I'm attracted to others. Cheating doesn't seem viable, and divorce seems selfish when we have kids and it would ultimately be simply for my personal happiness, which might not even happen if I don't meet someone else who I do have passion with.

Honestly, I've considered meds that would lower my libido. It seems kind of out there as a solution but I don't know what else to do.

You really need someone outside the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am in a great, happy, fulfilling marriage, but "passion" isn't ever a word I would use to describe my relationship (DW here. High drive). We have two kids and I respect and deeply love my husband as a great match for my soul.

Right now, our sex lives are built on love and respect. As another PP noted, nothing else can fill the void of sex. We have sex 1-2 times per week, it is satisfying and provides us connection. It is based in love and kindness, but not passion. However, if we didn't both make the effort because we know we need to, sex could easily fall off the radar.

Do I dream about having a passion filled romantic life? Sometimes. But mostly I've told myself that I have a really great, loving, supportive, and amazing relationship. And would I want to sacrifice any of that to have passion? For me the answer is "no. that is not worth it to me."

This is similar to me and my husband,except we have one kid and have sex a lot less frequently and at this point mainly for TTC purposes (we've been trying for nearly a year with several miscarriages and we're concerned with getting timing right). I am fairly low drive. DH is less so but not high drive by any means; we were both virgins when we got engaged at the age of 27 and it wasn't a huge hardship for either of us. I respect and deeply love my husband, and I find him attractive. I believe he finds me attractive and I know he loves and respects me. But we don't necessarily always express that attraction physically, particularly with a toddler and concern about timing sex properly.

I don't really dream about a passion-filled life. I don't think I'd be happy. I've always been fairly cerebral and controlled and I don't have any desire to experience uncontrollable lust. There are a lot of men I find handsome and attractive but I've never really seen someone on the street or in bar and felt the urge to jump him. Just isn't my style.

I am very happy in my marriage, and I think DH is too. More spontaneous sex would be good. So would a second child. At the moment we're prioritizing the latter. I can see that we will have to work hard in the coming years to have enough sex to keep DH satisfied and I am ok with that. 3 or 4 times a month is satisfying for me but if DH needs more (and tells me so), he'll get it. Many people would probably define this as passionless but we're okay with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband of 5 years (no kids) and I had real issues stemming partially from mental health issues that really drove us apart. We have put in a lot of work to tackle the problems, improve communication etc, and have a pleasant life and relationship. But I feel no passion for him, love and respect but no real desire. He's low drive so that won't drive him crazy - but I'm trying to decide whether this will keep me happy long term if it's as good as we'll get.

Has anyone been happy long term in a marriage like this? Or does it eventually build up and topple everything.

OP, your next relationship will become passionless with time too. It is the nature of long-term relationships. Because you have no children, there is no compelling reason for you to stay.

Happiness has little to do with it, so you are asking the wrong question.

[Anonymous]

I stuck it out for about 20 years. We probably had sex 20 times while we were married. It was really odd. I think both of us were passionate people, but my ex had some issues in his childhood that prevented him from maintaining a passionate relationship when we went from dating to marriage.

We had a decent relationship, one kid, and worked well together for the most part. I was, however, very lonely. In the long run, it really did a number on my self esteem. In retrospect, it was not as healthy as relationship as I thought it was (don't laugh at me -- I know that is a weird thing to say). I thought that I was sticking by him and just appreciating what I could.

Eventually, he had an affair and we split up. We probably should have spilt up after about 5 years -- before we had a child.

I'm actually much happier now, but I do miss having a "partner" in parenting, household chores, and financial responsibility.

There's no easy answer. You may leave and find happiness with someone else, but you may end up alone. Same for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife is low drive, it's the elephant in the room. I am really, really, really trying to find a way to feel content and connected with her in between the 2-3x per month we have sex. Here's the problem. Nothing replaces sex. It's a void. I have cheated in the past, never caught. Trying like hell not to again because our marriage is otherwise great.

So I would love to hear from others too, what can work to bridge the void?

That being said - why the hell would you stay if you have no kids? Although my wife and I are perfect but for the passion, I would be gone in a moment if we didn't have kids together.

Hi Sweetie, Just so you know I KNOW all about your cheating. I think your an ass but I pretend to put up with you for the kids sake. I know you will cheat again and that will be the final straw. Pick someone you really care about as you will find your crap on the street, bank accounts wiped out and divorce papers (well, those are already done).

Um, or you could have sex with him? Just a thought.

Not until he does the disses and puts the kids down. Remember 50/50 split

[Anonymous]

It all depends on if you want kids or not. Passion is the stuff of fairy tales.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife is low drive, it's the elephant in the room. I am really, really, really trying to find a way to feel content and connected with her in between the 2-3x per month we have sex. Here's the problem. Nothing replaces sex. It's a void. I have cheated in the past, never caught. Trying like hell not to again because our marriage is otherwise great.

So I would love to hear from others too, what can work to bridge the void?

That being said - why the hell would you stay if you have no kids? Although my wife and I are perfect but for the passion, I would be gone in a moment if we didn't have kids together.

Why did you have more than one kid?

[Anonymous]

Op here - it sounds like most aren't happy and those that are, are both committed to having passion together even if they're not particularly in romantic love with each other. And no one is happy trying to accept a total absence of it when they want it but don't feel it for their partner and their partner is totally satisfied with nothing.

[Shineshelly]

Hi there,

Every marriage will endure some dry spells. It is great that you have been trying to work on communicating on a deeper level etc. Growing in empathy and seeking to meet each other's needs is absolutely crucial in preventing a marital collapse at some point. I'm not sure if you've already shared your feelings with him but I think sharing your vulnerability by communicating in a respectful way that your sexual relationship is disappointing to you could prove to benefit your communication and relationship.

I really believe a couple can build a satisfying sexual relationship, getting to know each other so well, growing in such intimacy, that the thought of an affair holds little appeal. Satisfying sex isn't just about you and your spouse. It is about affair-proofing your relationship and bringing honor to the commitment you made to one another to forsake all others and hang in there during rough or "passionless" patches.

I have been married 7 years, without children, and I do not see my commitment to my husband during trials as any less significant than those with children. The commitment I made to him has become more about what I pledged before God than it is my husband. That perspective has helped me through tough times and I hope it helps you too.

Marriage is worth fighting for! Hang in there and consider marriage counseling before giving up!!

[Anonymous]

Shineshelly wrote:Hi there,

Every marriage will endure some dry spells. It is great that you have been trying to work on communicating on a deeper level etc. Growing in empathy and seeking to meet each other's needs is absolutely crucial in preventing a marital collapse at some point. I'm not sure if you've already shared your feelings with him but I think sharing your vulnerability by communicating in a respectful way that your sexual relationship is disappointing to you could prove to benefit your communication and relationship.

I really believe a couple can build a satisfying sexual relationship, getting to know each other so well, growing in such intimacy, that the thought of an affair holds little appeal. Satisfying sex isn't just about you and your spouse. It is about affair-proofing your relationship and bringing honor to the commitment you made to one another to forsake all others and hang in there during rough or "passionless" patches.

I have been married 7 years, without children, and I do not see my commitment to my husband during trials as any less significant than those with children. The commitment I made to him has become more about what I pledged before God than it is my husband. That perspective has helped me through tough times and I hope it helps you too.

Marriage is worth fighting for! Hang in there and consider marriage counseling before giving up!!

You cannot understand the number that having kids on a lot of married couples. Doesn't happen to everybody, but for most of my friends and me, having kids killed the part of the relationship that we had with our spouse that was all about the two people. Ever hear the saying "three's a crowd"? And throw a second kid in there and it is like, what has happened?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I stuck it out for about 20 years. We probably had sex 20 times while we were married. It was really odd. I think both of us were passionate people, but my ex had some issues in his childhood that prevented him from maintaining a passionate relationship when we went from dating to marriage.

We had a decent relationship, one kid, and worked well together for the most part. I was, however, very lonely. In the long run, it really did a number on my self esteem. In retrospect, it was not as healthy as relationship as I thought it was (don't laugh at me -- I know that is a weird thing to say). I thought that I was sticking by him and just appreciating what I could.

Eventually, he had an affair and we split up. We probably should have spilt up after about 5 years -- before we had a child.

I'm actually much happier now, but I do miss having a "partner" in parenting, household chores, and financial responsibility.

There's no easy answer. You may leave and find happiness with someone else, but you may end up alone. Same for him.

I would never laugh at you. It is a serious situation when you love and respect someone but something very basic is absent. You can't wait forever or chase just passion, but otoh, to build a relationship without it leaves a very basic structural flaw.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the above. I think kids are the game-changer, either that or time, or health issues. Basically anything life throws at you that can completely change you as a person.

But passion is not a fantasy. Is it possible to sustain it in a long-term (10 years+) relationship? I really don't know. But there's a difference between passion and at least having sex. I read Op's post as saying she has a sexless relationship, but maybe I misread.

[Anonymous]

OP here - both very low sex level (always been that way due to his drive) and because of all the past hurts I'm just not sexually attracted to him anymore. I love him as a person, have fun with him, and think with the work we've put in we could make it work ok - but I don't feel any flame / passion for him anymore. And he's ok with that b/c he never sought passion in the first place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - both very low sex level (always been that way due to his drive) and because of all the past hurts I'm just not sexually attracted to him anymore. I love him as a person, have fun with him, and think with the work we've put in we could make it work ok - but I don't feel any flame / passion for him anymore. And he's ok with that b/c he never sought passion in the first place.

I understand. I made the same bargain and thought I could stick to it, but I also thought there was a good chance it could change with a positive, healthy, accepting relationship. I had a SHTF moment not too long ago that precipitated DH to go to a therapist. Too early to say where it will come out, but I really had to pull an ultimatum to bring actions that even hint at the hope of change. The weird thing is that even though he is trying, he has rejected me sexually for so long, that I am sort of offended now when he shows interest after all this time. It's difficult - now I have stuff too. Have been too self sacrificing. It's a tough one. If I hadn't demanded it, he would have been okay with the status quo. Sometimes I think it would have been best not even to have raised it. Not sure where it will come out, or if it is all just sound and fury.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband of 5 years (no kids) and I had real issues stemming partially from mental health issues that really drove us apart. We have put in a lot of work to tackle the problems, improve communication etc, and have a pleasant life and relationship. But I feel no passion for him, love and respect but no real desire. He's low drive so that won't drive him crazy - but I'm trying to decide whether this will keep me happy long term if it's as good as we'll get.

Has anyone been happy long term in a marriage like this? Or does it eventually build up and topple everything.

OP, your next relationship will become passionless with time too. It is the nature of long-term relationships. Because you have no children, there is no compelling reason for you to stay.

Happiness has little to do with it, so you are asking the wrong question.

I agree, and I wish this whole idea of passion, romance and marriage would just die off. It is a recently developed and I think misguided view of marriage that has taken over western culture and not at all realistic. Respect, companionship, alignment of life goals/priorities, yes. Sparks and passion, they last only a short time and they are no reason to get married or stay married.