happy in passionless marriage - anyone out there

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband of 5 years (no kids) and I had real issues stemming partially from mental health issues that really drove us apart. We have put in a lot of work to tackle the problems, improve communication etc, and have a pleasant life and relationship. But I feel no passion for him, love and respect but no real desire. He's low drive so that won't drive him crazy - but I'm trying to decide whether this will keep me happy long term if it's as good as we'll get.

Has anyone been happy long term in a marriage like this? Or does it eventually build up and topple everything.

OP, your next relationship will become passionless with time too. It is the nature of long-term relationships. Because you have no children, there is no compelling reason for you to stay.

Happiness has little to do with it, so you are asking the wrong question.

I agree, and I wish this whole idea of passion, romance and marriage would just die off. It is a recently developed and I think misguided view of marriage that has taken over western culture and not at all realistic. Respect, companionship, alignment of life goals/priorities, yes. Sparks and passion, they last only a short time and they are no reason to get married or stay married.

I would agree in theory that marriage is more a contract for stability IF monogamy were taken out of the equation. I think it should be accepted that in a marriage where sex has died off both partners might discreetly take a lover.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband of 5 years (no kids) and I had real issues stemming partially from mental health issues that really drove us apart. We have put in a lot of work to tackle the problems, improve communication etc, and have a pleasant life and relationship. But I feel no passion for him, love and respect but no real desire. He's low drive so that won't drive him crazy - but I'm trying to decide whether this will keep me happy long term if it's as good as we'll get.

Has anyone been happy long term in a marriage like this? Or does it eventually build up and topple everything.

OP, your next relationship will become passionless with time too. It is the nature of long-term relationships. Because you have no children, there is no compelling reason for you to stay.

Happiness has little to do with it, so you are asking the wrong question.

I agree, and I wish this whole idea of passion, romance and marriage would just die off. It is a recently developed and I think misguided view of marriage that has taken over western culture and not at all realistic. Respect, companionship, alignment of life goals/priorities, yes. Sparks and passion, they last only a short time and they are no reason to get married or stay married.

a lot of truth born of pain.

During my first depression I was trying to find a therapist who asked me how long it had been since my wife and I had sex together. At that time it was 2 months, which was a LONG time, and she told me that is not too bad, some of her clients had gone years without sex together. At that time I thought that was crazy, who would stay together in a marriage for years without sex. Well 6 years later, after layoffs, teenagers, addictions, I found myself in the same situation, years without sex and still married. My experience was time just flies by. Dealing with shit, just trying to keep things together, life takes it toll. What was easy and fun becomes unbearable. I am really in awe of people that divorce and get on with their life while having children. They really are amazing. And I am jealous of their strength. Staying together and not having sex, is a cowards way, but I am a coward also. In my 50's and not sure how it really happened. But it did, and I am still barely employed, and still just trying to keep a house and food and family ok, without passion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife is low drive, it's the elephant in the room. I am really, really, really trying to find a way to feel content and connected with her in between the 2-3x per month we have sex. Here's the problem. Nothing replaces sex. It's a void. I have cheated in the past, never caught. Trying like hell not to again because our marriage is otherwise great.

So I would love to hear from others too, what can work to bridge the void?

That being said - why the hell would you stay if you have no kids? Although my wife and I are perfect but for the passion, I would be gone in a moment if we didn't have kids together.

Why did you have more than one kid?

My wife was normal drive before kids. I just assumed the low drive post-partum was normal. Wait till she is done breastfeeding, sleeping through the night, toddler phase, etc. Still waiting....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband of 5 years (no kids) and I had real issues stemming partially from mental health issues that really drove us apart. We have put in a lot of work to tackle the problems, improve communication etc, and have a pleasant life and relationship. But I feel no passion for him, love and respect but no real desire. He's low drive so that won't drive him crazy - but I'm trying to decide whether this will keep me happy long term if it's as good as we'll get.

Has anyone been happy long term in a marriage like this? Or does it eventually build up and topple everything.

OP, your next relationship will become passionless with time too. It is the nature of long-term relationships. Because you have no children, there is no compelling reason for you to stay.

Happiness has little to do with it, so you are asking the wrong question.

I agree, and I wish this whole idea of passion, romance and marriage would just die off. It is a recently developed and I think misguided view of marriage that has taken over western culture and not at all realistic. Respect, companionship, alignment of life goals/priorities, yes. Sparks and passion, they last only a short time and they are no reason to get married or stay married.

I don't disagree, but OPs question is still a valid one. For me, I am unable to feel connected to my spouse without regular sex. She turns into a roommate, one whom I love and respect but do not feel bonded to. And then my eye starts wandering, and I become near desperate for touch from someone else.

It's not even a question of whether I want to have sex with my wife. I have to have sex with her if our marriage has any hope of surviving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How many long term marriages have passion?

I'm guessing 3 percent

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How many long term marriages have passion?

I'm guessing 3 percent

Yup. How much passion do you expect after 20+ yrs, kids, etc. Ask any gyno. They'll tell you most women over a certain age say that if they never had sex again, they won't care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you low drive? I think it can work if both spouses are low drive. I'm in the same situation where I'm happy enough being married but have zero attraction to my spouse. The problem is I'm not low drive and I'm attracted to others. Cheating doesn't seem viable, and divorce seems selfish when we have kids and it would ultimately be simply for my personal happiness, which might not even happen if I don't meet someone else who I do have passion with.

Honestly, I've considered meds that would lower my libido. It seems kind of out there as a solution but I don't know what else to do.

while i haven't considered meds to lower my libido, everything else i could have written word for word. i am a DW if it matters.

Pp you quoted and I'm a woman too. I just googled it a little bit. Apparently there are antiandrogen drugs, illegal in the US that will lower a man's libido, but not sure what they'd do to a woman. Again, it seems nuts, but then again life without sex is painful, but seems to be the least painful alternative given the options. I suppose menopause will take care of it soon enough, sigh.

Bith control or anti-depressants will do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Yup. How much passion do you expect after 20+ yrs, kids, etc. Ask any gyno. They'll tell you most women over a certain age say that if they never had sex again with her husband, they won't care.

Fixed that for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am in a great, happy, fulfilling marriage, but "passion" isn't ever a word I would use to describe my relationship (DW here. High drive). We have two kids and I respect and deeply love my husband as a great match for my soul.

Right now, our sex lives are built on love and respect. As another PP noted, nothing else can fill the void of sex. We have sex 1-2 times per week, it is satisfying and provides us connection. It is based in love and kindness, but not passion. However, if we didn't both make the effort because we know we need to, sex could easily fall off the radar.

Do I dream about having a passion filled romantic life? Sometimes. But mostly I've told myself that I have a really great, loving, supportive, and amazing relationship. And would I want to sacrifice any of that to have passion? For me the answer is "no. that is not worth it to me."

This is similar to me and my husband,except we have one kid and have sex a lot less frequently and at this point mainly for TTC purposes (we've been trying for nearly a year with several miscarriages and we're concerned with getting timing right). I am fairly low drive. DH is less so but not high drive by any means; we were both virgins when we got engaged at the age of 27 and it wasn't a huge hardship for either of us. I respect and deeply love my husband, and I find him attractive. I believe he finds me attractive and I know he loves and respects me. But we don't necessarily always express that attraction physically, particularly with a toddler and concern about timing sex properly.

I don't really dream about a passion-filled life. I don't think I'd be happy. I've always been fairly cerebral and controlled and I don't have any desire to experience uncontrollable lust. There are a lot of men I find handsome and attractive but I've never really seen someone on the street or in bar and felt the urge to jump him. Just isn't my style.

I am very happy in my marriage, and I think DH is too. More spontaneous sex would be good. So would a second child. At the moment we're prioritizing the latter. I can see that we will have to work hard in the coming years to have enough sex to keep DH satisfied and I am ok with that. 3 or 4 times a month is satisfying for me but if DH needs more (and tells me so), he'll get it. Many people would probably define this as passionless but we're okay with it.

Your relationship sounds to me mechanical and robotic. Though it doesn't suprise me, given the fact that you were virgins. I think you were probably born without passion and it's great you found each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Yup. How much passion do you expect after 20+ yrs, kids, etc. Ask any gyno. They'll tell you most women over a certain age say that if they never had sex again with her husband, they won't care.

Fixed that for you.

Very true. My DH probably thinks I'm low drive. I think out marriage would get new life if I could stepnout...just a bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Yup. How much passion do you expect after 20+ yrs, kids, etc. Ask any gyno. They'll tell you most women over a certain age say that if they never had sex again with her husband, they won't care.

Fixed that for you.

Very true. My DH probably thinks I'm low drive. I think out marriage would get new life if I could stepnout...just a bit.

You could very well be my wife writing this. Do you ever suggest it to your husband? I wish my wife would agree to open our marriage, even a crack. She is too scared it will spiral out of control. I think she knows I can have sex without getting attached, but she isn't sure she can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Yup. How much passion do you expect after 20+ yrs, kids, etc. Ask any gyno. They'll tell you most women over a certain age say that if they never had sex again with her husband, they won't care.

Fixed that for you.

+1000 You got that right. Sex is important.

[Anonymous]

For those of you with zero attraction to your spouse -- why did you marry them?? It seems very selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Yup. How much passion do you expect after 20+ yrs, kids, etc. Ask any gyno. They'll tell you most women over a certain age say that if they never had sex again with her husband, they won't care.

Fixed that for you.

Very true. My DH probably thinks I'm low drive. I think out marriage would get new life if I could stepnout...just a bit.

You could very well be my wife writing this. Do you ever suggest it to your husband? I wish my wife would agree to open our marriage, even a crack. She is too scared it will spiral out of control. I think she knows I can have sex without getting attached, but she isn't sure she can.

No, because he's the jealous type. I think my supposed "low drive" makes him even more insecure. It's a vicious cycle. But the fact is, I don't want to be in a relationship with anyone else ,but him, but the monotony of sex with the same person for decades is a killer on my libido.

OTOH, I'm positive I can have unattached sex. My eye wanders outside our marriage for sex, but never once has my mind wandered and made me wonder if I could love someone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For those of you with zero attraction to your spouse -- why did you marry them?? It seems very selfish.

My guess is that both men and women start with attraction to their spouse but they both can equally lose it over time (apparently, the advice to women who want to get over a crush is to see a man on the toilet, so it sounds like female attraction is based on unrealistic measures).

All else being equal, men have no issue sleeping with someone they aren't attracted to - so even if both aren't attracted to each other - men still want sex.