Avoiding another child in class selection
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Anonymous
| I'm a teacher and a few years ago, 2 girls were relentlessly teasing my son. One of them went over the line and threatened him. That's when I contacted the teacher. That was the only time I've ever requested he be separated from someone and they honored my wish. Give concrete details if you can. |
Anonymous
| I haven't had to do this for DD, but my mom had to request that I not be placed with another girl in 8th grade. She had serious problems and I was a target. She got help, I got to stop walking on eggshells, and in 9th grade we were able to have classes together and be cordial. We were friendly until graduation. |
Anonymous
If you are referring to the well-known phenomenon of the gifted, learning-disabled child, then my partner and I am fully aware of that issue. We welcome our child sharing a classroom with children of similar academic abilities whether or not the other children in AAP have learning disabilities (and yes - many do. Look it up). It is an entirely separate issue as to the main-streamed special needs child with all the behavioral problems who shared our child's class last year. "Special needs" is a vague and broad descriptor. |
Anonymous
All this does is 1) enable the pest to bother someone else and 2) turn OP's kid into a weak, entitled child who will never learn to fight his/her battles. Soon, OP's kid will develop anxiety and school phobia b/c s/he hasn't learned to defend him/herself. have seen it many times too many helicopters |
Anonymous
Ridiculous! The problem isn't "too many helicopters." The problem is too many bullies - and I blame the parents of those bullies for the problem. It is NOT the school's role to raise moral, well-disciplined children. Rather, its the parents' responsibility to properly raise their children to - at a minimum - NOT bully others, - and to punish their children if they engage in bullying behavior. But too many parents these days do not take any personal responsibility, nor responsibility for their offspring. These essentially feral spawn -and the parents that create them & then drop out - are the root of the issue. We witnessed a perfect example of this absentee parenting this past weekend at a nice outdoor cafe: two parents appeared to be enjoying a meal with their two children (guessing ages 8 &10). But instead of dining together, both kids were playing violent video games (maybe "halo" game?) on handheld devices; -no conversation; no interaction, just a live-action stream of video violence right into those impressionable young minds. Complete selfishness on the parents part. I can't say whether the kids bully. But video violence & absentee parenting probably won't lead to ideal outcomes IMHO. |
Anonymous
the kids that are picking on my kid are from good, loving families with engaged parents. When these things start (and they will) the teacher needs to put a stop to it immediately. In my kid's case, a fairly new teacher underestimated how quickly it would spread from one or two kids to 4 or 5 all gleefully targeting my child and enjoying my child's reactions. The teacher is FINALLY on it after not seeing it as a big deal for two months. It doesn't help that the teacher likes the kids teasing more than my mess of a kid. This stuff is 100% within the control of the school and the culture it fosters. Sure, it will be easier for them to foster such a non bullying culture by breaking up certain kids into different classes, but it is all on them IMO. |
Anonymous
Not sure that it is 100% within the control of the school. You cannot make the bullies like your child. Sometimes, the child who is bullied wants to be in the "in" group. That's why the other kids go along with the bullies. Mean Girls. Yes, the teacher needs to be aware and watch for problems--but sometimes, even the teachers don't know who the bullies are. DD had a kind teacher who tried to help her and picked out girls to group her with that she thought were nice. She was soooo wrong. These girls (especially fourth graders) are slick. |
Anonymous
| I used to be a classroom teacher and these requests were always honored. I myself just requested for my child to not be with a neighbor because the girls spend almost 100% of the time out of school together by choice and I think a little bit of separation and variety of friends is good for them. |
Anonymous
I requested this last year with our teacher and was told that the girls need to learn to deal because they would always be faced with people they didn't like...or something like that. They weren't placed in the same class, but I didn't get the impression that the teacher had anything to do with that. Luckily, my son did not get her this year. |
Anonymous
Says the mom of the bully who thinks mean girls are cute. My son was bullied by a jock kid in 6th grade. The jock got in trouble at lunch and assigned to my kid's table where he and all his good friends sat. Jock/bully proceded to quietly and sneakily work his way as alpha male for the group and systematically isolating my son. The other kids were nice but as one tood my son at the end of the year "I am really sorryI went along with Jock Bully but if you weren't there to be picked on he would pick on me." In the semester of the lunchtime bully, my kind, gentle, confident, funny and outgoing child became withdrawn, sad, down on himself, isolated and a bit of a loaner. This is my kid who made friend the first time he met a person, had a broad social group, was well liked and respected by peers and an overall kind and great kid. Two years later, my son is now an introvert. He tries to blend in, is hesitant to start conversations with people, and has low confidence levels. The only plus side to the bullying (and there is s plus) is that he is very quick to stand up and intervene when someone is getting bullied, be it the quirky outcast or the beautiful smart girl that the mean girls are jealous of. He has developed a knack of knowing when to say something directly to the bully, when to mention it to a teacher on the side, and when to say something to me and ask me to reach out to a counselor. It is in those moment where I see a brief glimpse of my vivacious, confident son. So yes, you touch base with the school when your child lets you know that bullying (and not just kid fighting...there is a difference) is going on. Reach out before it becomes a real problem. My kid did not share it with us until it had been going on for months snd tue end of the school year was just right around the corner. At that point, he was having upset stomachs, did not want to go to school, and would not eat lunch at school (would leave it in his backpack) because one of Jock Bully's favorite pastimes was stealing his lunch and eating all the good stuff then sitting on his sandwich before tossing it back to him. If only we had known sooner, we could have had that kid moved clear across the cafeteria and perhaps have gotten him some time in the principals or counselors office. If we had known sooner and spoken up sooner, our kid would not have been changed so drastically or dealt with the long term fall out. Bullying does not have to be physical to cause long term, life changing damage to a kid. In fact, physical bullying is often easier to deal with because it gets instant and dramatic reactions from the adult in charge. Emotional bullying will change a kid forever. OP, reach out to the teacher and principal. You won't regret it, but you will regret your daughter being bullied for another school year. |
Anonymous
You wrote a novella that completely supported the point I made in my post -
I am not a heartless bitch. In fact, my daughter has stood up to bullies in both ES and MS in order to protect some vulnerable kids. You, however, failed to 1) recognizes changes in your own child, which isn't hard to do and 2) failed to equip him with skills to protect himself. Kids need to be taught to stand up to bullies. And bullies - who are bullied at home - need supports to help reverse the damages done to them. It's not as simple as changes lunch tables or keeping the kids physically separated. band aid approach at best |
Anonymous
It is very clear you have absolutely no understanding of bullying. Kids will try to handle things themselves. Kids want to handle it themselves. But when they reach the poi t where they csnnot, the damage to their overall well being are dramatic and painful. Changes to the behavior of a preteen or teen are very common due to puberty. In our case, our kid was still socializing actively with his circle of friends. And when they were hanging out, everything was normal. The bully was never part of any socializing, so none of the bullying behaviors occured anywhere wher any of the parents could see it. Our kid was very good at hiding that sokething was going on, and was in his own way trying to stand up to the bulky on his own...until he couldn't. My kid was fortunate to have strong self esteem. Many kids don't and those are the ones that end up suicidal or damaging themselves through behaviors like cutting. You can give a kid all the tools in the world to be their own person, stand up for themselves during times of injustice, and to avoid bullying, but when fsced with sneaky, underhand bullying by someone bigger thsn you, stronger than you, more popular than you, who has a host of minnion followers, doing so on your own without adult help is damn near impossible, even for the strongest and most independent of kids. The switch that is flipped between the time a kid can handle it on his own, and the limit of when they no longer can is sudden and can cause a desperation and a lot of sadness. You are sanctimonious, know it all, and smug, and also very ill informed and very very wrong. You obviously have absolutely no experience with bullyimg, except perhaps on the side of being one of the bullies. Clearly, yur kids have not been bullied...yet. Middle and High School social media bullying is horrific. You better hope that your child does not face it in the future, especially with your unhelpful attitude of no adult intervention necessary. Shame on you for your smugness over something you have zero understanding about. |
Anonymous
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Almost everyone makes valid points. Yes, you need to help your child stand up for himself and, yes, you need to be proactive.
When child first mentions it to you, try to help him handle it. Don't grill him all thetime and make it bigger than it is--but, do listen and be very sensitive to him. If it continues for more than a day or so, contact the school counselor by email. Ask for a meeting--or, at least speak by phone. 1. Ask the counselor how you can help him at home. 2. Ask the counselor what he/she can do to help your child at school. Do not expect your child to be included with the bully. The best you can really hope for is that he be ignored by the bully --and sometimes, that is also difficult. Absolutely, demand that your child not be with bully the next year. DEMAND. DD was bullied unmercifully in fourth grade. Mean Girls type of bullying. The counselor was very helpful and handpicked the groups that she was with the next two years. It made a world of difference. DD was never in the "in" group--but her quality of life was much improved. |
Anonymous
+1. I was a bully. I wish my parents had cared enough to do something about it (and the school did contact them), because it makes me feel like a piece of shit to remember the way I acted. I am so ashamed. I am so sorry your child gets bullied, PP, but at least he's not the bully. Be proud of that. OP, I think that's what those forms are, partially, and you should advocate for your child in this way. Better for her, and better for the bully, who hopefully will be gifted with fewer memories of being a child asshole. |
Anonymous
Actually it can be as simple as changing lunch tables or keeping kids physically separated. In life, sometimes the appropriate response to a toxic or abusive situation is to remove yourself from it. It is not only OK to have boundaries, it is essential. An emotionally healthy adult wouldn't subject themselves to abuse every day and it is crazy to say a kid should. This isn't Gladiator. Since bullies are often looking for a reaction, not giving them one, but leaving, is in it's own way standing up to them. Choosing to not engage is a brave choice on it's own. An adult needs to say, "you don't need to put up with that" and then do what they can to make sure the kid doesn't have to put up with that. Some bullies are bullied at home, some aren't. But no kid should have to be an emotional (or literal) punching bang while some other kid works out his/her demons. I was bullied, terribly, when I was in third grade. Socially I recovered. 30+ years later I don't remember much about the ring leader. But I clearly remember the adults that sat by and let it happen. |