Handling sleepover invites when you don't know the family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my house, I have a hard no sleepover rule. Yes, I was molested at a sleepover at age 12. I am 44 and I never told anyone. So yes, my kids might think I am penalizing them when they get to middle school, but so be it. I am not backing down on this.

I'm sorry and I wish you could get justice.

Every now and then I wonder if something has happened to one my kids and they never told anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it is a false sense of security to believe because you know a family well, nothing bad can happen at their house during a sleepover.

You need to have very direct and explicit conversations with your child about what is ok and what is not ok and what to do when things are not ok.

+1

The sleepovers have really slowed down (well, actually they've stopped) now that DS is in high school but post-pandemic in middle school, there were a lot of large group sleepovers happening because they all hadn't really seen each other.

Any parents I didn't know I got to know as best as I could leading up to those sleepovers. I also ask pointed questions that make them aware of how protective I am of my kid. "Do you have guns in your home?" "How accessible are the prescription drugs in your home?" "Are there any adults/family members visiting while the sleepover is happening?" I find that when people are asked such questions directly they are taken aback and know I am paying attention. And in most cases, they all thanked me for asking them these questions and that they'd never thought to do so when sending their kids off to a sleepover. If someone was secretly offended, oh well!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
No, I would not allow it.
No sleepover with people I don't know well.
I guess I'm old-fashioned, but there it is.

+1

Only very close friends or family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it is a false sense of security to believe because you know a family well, nothing bad can happen at their house during a sleepover.

You need to have very direct and explicit conversations with your child about what is ok and what is not ok and what to do when things are not ok.

+1

The sleepovers have really slowed down (well, actually they've stopped) now that DS is in high school but post-pandemic in middle school, there were a lot of large group sleepovers happening because they all hadn't really seen each other.

Any parents I didn't know I got to know as best as I could leading up to those sleepovers. I also ask pointed questions that make them aware of how protective I am of my kid. "Do you have guns in your home?" "How accessible are the prescription drugs in your home?" "Are there any adults/family members visiting while the sleepover is happening?" I find that when people are asked such questions directly they are taken aback and know I am paying attention. And in most cases, they all thanked me for asking them these questions and that they'd never thought to do so when sending their kids off to a sleepover. If someone was secretly offended, oh well!

I never understood why people ask these questions. If I had a gun in my home, I wouldn’t tell anyone and if I didn’t have a gun, I most certainly wouldn’t TELL anyone. If someone is so irresponsible that they’d keep drugs and guns laying around, why would you think they’d be honest and tell you about it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my house, I have a hard no sleepover rule. Yes, I was molested at a sleepover at age 12. I am 44 and I never told anyone. So yes, my kids might think I am penalizing them when they get to middle school, but so be it. I am not backing down on this.

I'm sorry and I wish you could get justice.

Every now and then I wonder if something has happened to one my kids and they never told anyone.

+2 My best friend’s older brother (who was in high school) lay Down beside me on the floor during a sleepover (I was in 7th grade) while we were all asleep at like 2 am and I woke up to his hand inside my underwear. I shoved him off me and he left the room. Told one other friend a few years later and he had done something similar to her. Never told anyone else, especially not my BFF. I don’t allow sleepovers either. Nope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it is a false sense of security to believe because you know a family well, nothing bad can happen at their house during a sleepover.

You need to have very direct and explicit conversations with your child about what is ok and what is not ok and what to do when things are not ok.

+1

The sleepovers have really slowed down (well, actually they've stopped) now that DS is in high school but post-pandemic in middle school, there were a lot of large group sleepovers happening because they all hadn't really seen each other.

Any parents I didn't know I got to know as best as I could leading up to those sleepovers. I also ask pointed questions that make them aware of how protective I am of my kid. "Do you have guns in your home?" "How accessible are the prescription drugs in your home?" "Are there any adults/family members visiting while the sleepover is happening?" I find that when people are asked such questions directly they are taken aback and know I am paying attention. And in most cases, they all thanked me for asking them these questions and that they'd never thought to do so when sending their kids off to a sleepover. If someone was secretly offended, oh well!

I never understood why people ask these questions. If I had a gun in my home, I wouldn’t tell anyone and if I didn’t have a gun, I most certainly wouldn’t TELL anyone. If someone is so irresponsible that they’d keep drugs and guns laying around, why would you think they’d be honest and tell you about it?

It's not about them "laying around" - I'm not asking if you have a gun thinking it's laying around, my next question would be how is it secured/do you have a gun safe?

People also have to be pretty quick on their feet to lie in an instant when they aren't expecting me to ask these sorts of questions.

If you don't want to ask people about what happens in their home while your child is there, you do you. I choose to.

[Anonymous]

To all the people saying close friends or family only, do you understand your child is more likely to be abused by someone they know?

Say it's your brother/dd's uncle. She sees you love your brother and think he's great and she sees everyone else thinks he's great and she knows she's going to have to see him for the rest of time, plus her same age cousins really like him so ....

But an unknown person? There are many fewer potential issues stopping your child from telling you. There are fewer issues stopping your child from asserting themselves and leaving if uncomfortable. At your family, if dd felt uncomfortable, would you take her home immediately? Probably not, or she wouldn't even ask to leave because she knows you want to be there and planned to be.

I would not let my kid travel with people I don't know, too much need for judgement calls. Sometimes I've thought I would be more comfortable with my child traveling alone than with a family I don't know.

And I think it's good to get a sense of people when you can, and am also not eager for sleepover s with too many unknowns.

But knowing them doesn't mean a whole lot when it comes to abuse. Knowing their values on alcohol, mean girl behavior, screen choices, etc - good info. But a comfort factor if anything disarms your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
No, I would not allow it.
No sleepover with people I don't know well.
I guess I'm old-fashioned, but there it is.

Same here. I’d say no to the sleepover also.