Handling sleepover invites when you don't know the family

[Anonymous]

Ok just curious how others are handling this.
DD is 13 y.o. 7th grader. We are not in the DC area anymore but I'd appreciate your help, nonetheless.

Up until 6th grade DD was in a small parochial NoVA school with local families who all knew each other. I'm a bit of a chicken re sleepovers, but we have allowed them with a few families that we know very well.

DD is at a new school; bigger, with a different culture--the feel is almost like a college. The school families are from all over our new, very expansive city and I don't know the other parents or even get to know the other kids, bc after school play dates aren't really feasible given the distances, and everyone has non-school-related sports etc on weekends.

DD has a school friend Larla who I've only seen and said "hi" to twice. I have sat with her mom during one school sporting event but the duration was brief. Larla's mom has evited DD twice now to group sleepover events--the first, just at their house, and the second, to be driven 3 hours away to a resort town for "Larla's Birthday Extravaganza"--"bring money for shopping!"

The evites hide the guest list so I have no idea who else is going--meaning, how many girls, and could even be boys for all I know (although I seriously doubt it). DD has told me that Larla's mom is single, and I asked about sibs (like older brother?) but DD doesn't know. Have no idea if mom has a boyfriend.

Fortunately for both invitations, DD had a sports conflict. That was fortunate for ME, because I need to get my stuff together and figure out how to handle, both for Larla, and the next friend down the line.

Honestly, when I got that email evite, I felt like I had just got a ticking time bomb in my mailbox--like I need ANOTHER fight with my 13 y.o.--and was (unfairly) mad at the mom for giving me another problem. I was SO happy when I saw the sports conflict.

I'm hesitant to have DD do sleepovers unless I know the family really well, and the other invited friends, and that's just not likely to happen at this new school. DD mentions a new kid's name every week or so…"you're hanging out with who now?"

I'm also hesitant about saying yes to one sleepover and later saying no to another and getting teen blowback (although I'm strong and will take it; just want to set it up to avoid it). Face it, it's easier to have a bright line rule, but I recognize I should be thinking about parameters so I can be flexible. Or maybe I keep the bright line rule?

I'd like to know what has worked for you, and thank you in advance.

[Anonymous]

I would want to know more about the family and would be hesitant too. I absolutely would not allow someone to take my child 3 hours away who I did not know, especially if they ask for money and do not have detailed plan when they do the invite (i.e. transportation, lodging, who is going, sleeping arrangements, food, who is paying for it all - she should).

No works well for me.

[Anonymous]

I'd invite the girl to sleep over at your house so you can get to know her (and maybe her mother) a little better.

[Anonymous]

I think 13 is old enough to sleep over at friends houses that you don't know super well. It's not like she's 8, 9, 10 yrs old. That said I wouldn't let my kid go 3 hrs away either.

[Anonymous]

what are you afraid off, exactly? i'm not understanding the source of your anxiety.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd invite the girl to sleep over at your house so you can get to know her (and maybe her mother) a little better.

Do this. Everyone will be happy.

[Anonymous]

Time to let go a little bit. Let her go to a local group sleepover. This is the age that you need to start trusting that you taught her what she needs to know and manage and guide her to good decisions. If you keep holding her too close, she will rebel.

[Anonymous]

What exactly are you afraid of? Sexual assault?

Maybe you should talk to your daughter about that. About appropriate touching, and how to say no, and that if anything like that ever happens to her, you want to know immediately. I'm not sure the right way to go about doing that, but I'm sure that there are articles about it.

[Anonymous]

No, I would not allow it.
No sleepover with people I don't know well.
I guess I'm old-fashioned, but there it is.

[Anonymous]

In K we had the same rules. By 13, we had loosened up a little bit.

If you really want to get to know the kid better, have her over. You can find out about who lives in the house then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
No, I would not allow it.
No sleepover with people I don't know well.
I guess I'm old-fashioned, but there it is.

Agreed. Caring about your child isn't old-fashioned. It's what parents should do.

[Anonymous]

oP, I just wanted to say that I also would be pissed off by an invitation to an extravagant resort three hours away with a hidden guest list for s thirteen year old. its not just you.

But I definitely did local sleepovers at friends houses whom my parent knew only slightly. But they knew the kids involved, knew who would be there, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
No, I would not allow it.
No sleepover with people I don't know well.
I guess I'm old-fashioned, but there it is.

Same. Rules apply to our DS and DD.

So many questions -

Who will be supervising? Both parents? Are the parents responsible? Will the parents be there the entire time? Who else is invited? All girls? All boys? What's the sibling situation like? Are the parents alcoholics? What is planned exactly?

All of these questions go into whether or not my kid spends the night. One the whole, if we don't know the parents, no way. I just say no and politely decline.

[Anonymous]

My DD is 13 and in 7th too. We've had many many talks about guns, drugs, calling me to come get her if anything makes her uncomfortable. She had a sleepover at a girl's house last night and I've never met the girl or her family. I know loosely where she lives (public transportation).

I'd only let her go 3 hours away if I knew the parents and were comfortable with them.

[Anonymous]

We just had this discussion with our soon to be 12 year old this weekend. And no, she could not spend the night at a slumber party for a new friend who we had never met, whose parents we had never met, whose house she had not visited before. The deal in our house is that we need to know the kid and parents enough to make sure everything seems okay. Not hang out on a regular basis, but have a few conversations. Meet the parents a few times and get a feel for them and their child. So we told DD it was too soon to spend the night. But she could go until 10 and then come home. And that she should invite her friend over anytime. And that after she had been over to her friend's house once or twice, and her friend had come to visit her, we would revisit the sleepover idea. DD seemed remarkably okay with that answer and we didn't get any pushback. I think she was a little uncomfortable about spending the night in a house she had never seen with parents she had never met too.