Handling sleepover invites when you don't know the family

[Anonymous]

When my DS was around 14, he invited a few kids to a sleepover ( it wasn't a birthday so no official invite). One boy called my son (on the landline) and told him "My dad needs to talk to one of your parents." The dad asked me if my husband and I planned to be in the home for the entire evening? We were and the boy was allowed to visit. Personally, I was impressed with the dad AND with the son who knew this was "the rule" in their house. So to the OP, I believe you should make the rules and make sure your child understands them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When my DS was around 14, he invited a few kids to a sleepover ( it wasn't a birthday so no official invite). One boy called my son (on the landline) and told him "My dad needs to talk to one of your parents." The dad asked me if my husband and I planned to be in the home for the entire evening? We were and the boy was allowed to visit. Personally, I was impressed with the dad AND with the son who knew this was "the rule" in their house. So to the OP, I believe you should make the rules and make sure your child understands them.

My parents always did that with new friends, and they'd spot check with friends they were familiar with. It annoyed me then but I get it now.

[Anonymous]

I would say no to group sleepovers with kids I didn't know.

If she was good friends with a girl in middle school, she'd have a sleepover just with that girl or maybe one other friend, first. That's how you get to know the other girl ad the karen(s).

But to just be invited to a large group sleepover, when you don't know the other kids who will be there, or the parent -- I don't think that's a good idea.

No, absolutly no to a trip 3 hours away with someone you don't know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would say no to group sleepovers with kids I didn't know.

If she was good friends with a girl in middle school, she'd have a sleepover just with that girl or maybe one other friend, first. That's how you get to know the other girl ad the karen(s).

But to just be invited to a large group sleepover, when you don't know the other kids who will be there, or the parent -- I don't think that's a good idea.

No, absolutly no to a trip 3 hours away with someone you don't know.

Why would you say no to a slumber party but allow her to go on a solo overnight?

[Anonymous]

I thought the sleepovers started to taper off at 13. My DD, who went to a good number each year, has only been to one sleepover since the school year began and she doesn't much like them anymore anyway. She prefers to be at home. I am glad her friends don't have them as much anymore also. I would not let her go to a home of a friend whose parents or siblings I have never met. I don't care if it's old fashioned. I don't want to have any regrets if something happened to DD.

[Anonymous]

OP - You are right to take it slow in this new school situation because not only do you not know the family hosting the sleepover, but you do not know the group of girls who will be going and what "their culture" might be in terms of social media use together, general conversations etc. I can't fathom any Mother - single or married - inviting girls that she does not well to a 3-hour road trip/shopping trip. You have no idea of her driving ability, layout of a hotel for such a visit, supervision of any kind ---- I would call it very poor judgment to begin with and say no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would want to know more about the family and would be hesitant too. I absolutely would not allow someone to take my child 3 hours away who I did not know, especially if they ask for money and do not have detailed plan when they do the invite (i.e. transportation, lodging, who is going, sleeping arrangements, food, who is paying for it all - she should).

No works well for me.

+10000000000000000000

[Anonymous]

My family just experienced this too! I have a 10 year old daughter. She has been invited to birthday sleepovers by people I don't really know and neither of us have been to each other's homes.
She was also invited by another mother/daughter from our school to stay the entire weekend 3 hours away at their beach house! Keep in mind that we didn't "know" much about these two different families! I politely declined and I told both mothers that I do not allow my child to stay overnight with ANYONE until we know a lot about them such as what they allow in their household. I told them it was nothing personal but I have two siblings that were molested by "friends of the family". I know most people won't understand your reasoning but as parents, we must protect our children, no matter how much we may be ridiculed!

[Anonymous]

My kids attended lots of sleepovers, but we had to know the family well. No exceptions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My family just experienced this too! I have a 10 year old daughter. She has been invited to birthday sleepovers by people I don't really know and neither of us have been to each other's homes.
She was also invited by another mother/daughter from our school to stay the entire weekend 3 hours away at their beach house! Keep in mind that we didn't "know" much about these two different families! I politely declined and I told both mothers that I do not allow my child to stay overnight with ANYONE until we know a lot about them such as what they allow in their household. I told them it was nothing personal but I have two siblings that were molested by "friends of the family". I know most people won't understand your reasoning but as parents, we must protect our children, no matter how much we may be ridiculed!

Next time, just say no. Don’t give out all that personal info.

[Anonymous]

I have a 14yo DD and sleepovers with newer friends are fine with me and have been since 5th grade or so. I trust my DD and she has a phone to reach me. I also make a point to drop her off and walk her to the door to chat with the parents politely for a few moments (and ask if they will be home all evening) - if anything were to look amiss or make me uncomfortable (has not happened) I’d likely come up with a white lie or way to bow out. My DD has a great head on her shoulders and I trust her to contact me if there is any issue.

OP it might help to think “what is the worst that could happen?” to try to pinpoint what your specific concerns are. Sexual abuse? Alcohol? Firearms? Aggressive dog? Regardless of the sleepover itself- find a way to address those concerns with your DD so that you have a reasonable level of confidence in how she might handle different scenarios going forward.

All that said, there is nothing wrong with having different rules than some other families (like no sleepovers). Lots of my kids’ friends have different rules about making plans, electronics and other things (sometimes even a quirky parent rule that makes little sense) and it is totally fine and not a big deal.

[Anonymous]

What has DD told you about the friend? For anyone close enough to have my DD sleep over, DD has usually mentioned them to me quite a lot and knows most basic info about their family if asked (often but not always- siblings, what the parents do for work, neighborhood they live in, pets, etc). Usually I’ve heard enough about the friend herself, and often her family, to have a basic sense of any potential issues or red flags

[Anonymous]

Just no to middle school sleepovers, especially girls. Lots of experimentation happening

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
No, I would not allow it.
No sleepover with people I don't know well.
I guess I'm old-fashioned, but there it is.

+1 I guess I’m old-fashioned too. And I have to know that Family very very well not just casually well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My family just experienced this too! I have a 10 year old daughter. She has been invited to birthday sleepovers by people I don't really know and neither of us have been to each other's homes.
She was also invited by another mother/daughter from our school to stay the entire weekend 3 hours away at their beach house! Keep in mind that we didn't "know" much about these two different families! I politely declined and I told both mothers that I do not allow my child to stay overnight with ANYONE until we know a lot about them such as what they allow in their household. I told them it was nothing personal but I have two siblings that were molested by "friends of the family". I know most people won't understand your reasoning but as parents, we must protect our children, no matter how much we may be ridiculed!

Next time, just say no. Don’t give out all that personal info.

Seriously. I would think this oversharing was very strange and that you had poor boundaries and emotional intelligence.