Handling sleepover invites when you don't know the family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:what are you afraid off, exactly? i'm not understanding the source of your anxiety.

She’s afraid her child will be molested.

OP, you really need to arm your child with information and tools to try to prevent this sort of thing, so she can indeed go off and have fun with friends! Maybe this particular family is annoying, but it sounds like it’s the culture of the school and she will be getting other invites. She will be quite sad if you don’t let her go. As the kids get older, you won’t get a chance to meet all parents unfortunately. Maybe a quick phone call so your questions can be answered. That’s not unreasonable at all for a 3 hour away sleepover!! (The parent should have provided her number and lots of details for a trip like that, IMO)

[Anonymous]

Then there's this.

https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/crime/oklahoma-bodies-found-henryetta-jesse-mcfadden-latest-b2332123.html?amp

Convicted rapist murders family and slumber party guests.

[Anonymous]

It’s much more likely that someone in your family will sexually molest your daughter than someone outside the family, you know. Do you allow sleepovers at an uncle’s house?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My family just experienced this too! I have a 10 year old daughter. She has been invited to birthday sleepovers by people I don't really know and neither of us have been to each other's homes.
She was also invited by another mother/daughter from our school to stay the entire weekend 3 hours away at their beach house! Keep in mind that we didn't "know" much about these two different families! I politely declined and I told both mothers that I do not allow my child to stay overnight with ANYONE until we know a lot about them such as what they allow in their household. I told them it was nothing personal but I have two siblings that were molested by "friends of the family". I know most people won't understand your reasoning but as parents, we must protect our children, no matter how much we may be ridiculed!

Bold 1 makes sense but doesn't protect against Bold 2.

"We molest houseguests" isn't something parents/siblings tell you after a few visits and conversations.

[Anonymous]

I think it is a false sense of security to believe because you know a family well, nothing bad can happen at their house during a sleepover.

You need to have very direct and explicit conversations with your child about what is ok and what is not ok and what to do when things are not ok.

Middle school and older, the bigger concern I have is sneaking out in the middle of the night to meet up with other kids, experimentation among the kids sexually, and drinking/drugs. Those are far more likely than getting sexually molested. From what my kid this age and friends tell me, these things are downright common by late middle school if group sleepovers are happening. A parent knows what kind of crowd their kid is running in too. If your kid is a at all in the more mature crowd, the sleepovers are where it's all going down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it is a false sense of security to believe because you know a family well, nothing bad can happen at their house during a sleepover.

You need to have very direct and explicit conversations with your child about what is ok and what is not ok and what to do when things are not ok.

Middle school and older, the bigger concern I have is sneaking out in the middle of the night to meet up with other kids, experimentation among the kids sexually, and drinking/drugs. Those are far more likely than getting sexually molested. From what my kid this age and friends tell me, these things are downright common by late middle school if group sleepovers are happening. A parent knows what kind of crowd their kid is running in too. If your kid is a at all in the more mature crowd, the sleepovers are where it's all going down.

Agree and add to your list that I'm very uncomfortable with sleepovers with unfettered phone/Internet access. Pranking another kid at a sleepover or doing silly dances or far worse is a lot different than when we were kids when it gets posted online.

[Anonymous]

Invite the mom and daughter over for dinner and a sleepover one day. Mom leaves after dinner, kids sleepover at your house. If you’re still unsure then invite the mom out for coffee one day. You won’t get to know her unless you put in some effort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Invite the mom and daughter over for dinner and a sleepover one day. Mom leaves after dinner, kids sleepover at your house. If you’re still unsure then invite the mom out for coffee one day. You won’t get to know her unless you put in some effort.

OPs kid is now 20. Why do these old threads get resurrected?

[Anonymous]

I am a criminal defense attorney and I would say beware of the sleepover.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:what are you afraid off, exactly? i'm not understanding the source of your anxiety.

She’s afraid her child will be molested.

OP, you really need to arm your child with information and tools to try to prevent this sort of thing, so she can indeed go off and have fun with friends! Maybe this particular family is annoying, but it sounds like it’s the culture of the school and she will be getting other invites. She will be quite sad if you don’t let her go. As the kids get older, you won’t get a chance to meet all parents unfortunately. Maybe a quick phone call so your questions can be answered. That’s not unreasonable at all for a 3 hour away sleepover!! (The parent should have provided her number and lots of details for a trip like that, IMO)

I think that the parents of a lot of girls who were molested or harassed at sleepovers would say that they armed their children with information and tools to prevent this sort of thing, and then, it didn't. I only let DDs spend the night at the homes of good friends, where we know the parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My family just experienced this too! I have a 10 year old daughter. She has been invited to birthday sleepovers by people I don't really know and neither of us have been to each other's homes.
She was also invited by another mother/daughter from our school to stay the entire weekend 3 hours away at their beach house! Keep in mind that we didn't "know" much about these two different families! I politely declined and I told both mothers that I do not allow my child to stay overnight with ANYONE until we know a lot about them such as what they allow in their household. I told them it was nothing personal but I have two siblings that were molested by "friends of the family". I know most people won't understand your reasoning but as parents, we must protect our children, no matter how much we may be ridiculed!

Next time, just say no. Don’t give out all that personal info.

Seriously. Jeez.

[Anonymous]

In my house, I have a hard no sleepover rule. Yes, I was molested at a sleepover at age 12. I am 44 and I never told anyone. So yes, my kids might think I am penalizing them when they get to middle school, but so be it. I am not backing down on this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When my DS was around 14, he invited a few kids to a sleepover ( it wasn't a birthday so no official invite). One boy called my son (on the landline) and told him "My dad needs to talk to one of your parents." The dad asked me if my husband and I planned to be in the home for the entire evening? We were and the boy was allowed to visit. Personally, I was impressed with the dad AND with the son who knew this was "the rule" in their house. So to the OP, I believe you should make the rules and make sure your child understands them.

I always do this via texting. I ask whether there would be parent supervision, in particular whether at least one parent would be home overnight. If I don’t know the family at all, I also ask whether there are weapons or guns that are not safely stored at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Invite the mom and daughter over for dinner and a sleepover one day. Mom leaves after dinner, kids sleepover at your house. If you’re still unsure then invite the mom out for coffee one day. You won’t get to know her unless you put in some effort.

OPs kid is now 20. Why do these old threads get resurrected?

The hero of the thread. Saved me from wasting my time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Invite the mom and daughter over for dinner and a sleepover one day. Mom leaves after dinner, kids sleepover at your house. If you’re still unsure then invite the mom out for coffee one day. You won’t get to know her unless you put in some effort.

OPs kid is now 20. Why do these old threads get resurrected?

Other people have teens now and are facing the same challenges.