Why do western people have such disregard for family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This isn't true. I am South Asian, as is my spouse. Growing up, I remember where we did not interact with 2 cousins because my dad (and his brother) were in a fight. I think it went on for two years. My own spouse and his siblings hate his entire dad's side of the family because of how they supposedly mistreated his mom growing up. They don't interact except at weddings or funerals. We don't even know those cousins' kids' ages/names. We found out one of the cousins got divorced 3 years after the fact, and he lives in our state.

In my experience South Asian families stick through, even when they can't stand each other. The hatred/dislike that most Indian DILs have for their MILs is almost pathological. The interference that most indian families have in each others' lives leads to a lot of simmering resentments. And this isn't even accounting for 'mixed-marriages', which can bring on a whole new level of drama.

You must live in some sort of dream-bubble, because in the indian community I'm a part of, there's LOTS of dysfunction - and its happening both in India and here.

Of course there is family drama and dysfunction. But it doesn't mean we don't love each other and would do anything for each other. family comes first. I'm not best friends with my MIL but when she visits I go out of my way to accommodate her and her quirks because she is my dh's mother and elderly.

12:09 here. I honestly am not sure where you are coming from on this. This is very naïve, and painting cultures with a broad brush, when the truth is far more nuanced. I can tell you that I do not love my MIL. She is not a person with a good heart and has caused many people (not just me) enormous pain. I am respectful to her, of course. But I'm very respectful to everyone. Many of my indian female friends feel this way about some particular relative or the other. We don't air our dirty laundry but there is no love lost either.

I do love my own parents and siblings dearly, but not everyone in my extended family.
And no, family doesn't automatically get to come first, if they have never helped to care for you or yours. I have some dear friends who I'd drop everything for, and some relatives who are just not my priority.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I am taking in the responses and I agree. These are general observations I have made for western society as a whole; not necessarily taking in individual situations and exceptions.

I've just noticed that on the whole, western families are very individual oriented. Parents love their children, sure. But there's a limit to the love in the sense that the love is there so as long as it is self preserving. Western parents I know provide their children with a lot of good parenting and love but never at personal expense. Eastern families on the other hand, put almost a divine emphasis on parent-children bond. Parents do everything and anything for their children, putting them even before their marriages. I know many friends who have gone broke and into debt so that their children have the best educations. The concept of "work life balance" is alien to a typical Southasian mom. All she cares about is her child and his/her well being in a way that seems that the child is almost an extension of her.

The children realize the deep love their parents have shown them and would never be rude to their parents or abandon them in time of need.

I think its a different mind set.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think people here don't feel the obligation to spend time with toxic or abusive people who make them miserable. Obviously, happy families usually have no issue spending time together. As for extended families living together, that's just a cultural difference in our societies. Here, extended family usually live separately unless there is a financial/medical reason not to.

This, but also women in the United States work outside the home and are often happy to do so. Have you noticed that the burden for caring for extended family in these "family centric" cultures falls exclusively to women? Women care for their own children as well as their MIL and FIL, and probably their own parents as well. That's a burden not shared by men, and one that I think many women would be happy to cast off if they were able to.

Sure. Women are the primary caregivers usually in traditional south asian families. Even still, when my SIL had a baby my MIL and sisters helped her out in ways I can't fathom American families would. It takes a village to raise a child.

12:09 here again. I agree that the typical support given to Indian women is very nice at new motherhood. I had help from my mom for 6 weeks after each birth and it was crucial, she was completely amazing. However, I know many non-indian friends who also received that, and many Indian friends who were going crazy with their mom/mil micro-managing them.

[Anonymous]

Honestly I love being a westerner. I have a Chinese girlfriend who doesn't want to marry (her parents are disappointed he's white) and who doesn't want to buy a house because they'll immediately move in. They keep asking her to buy so they can live with her. These aren't even elderly parents! They've been asking since they were in their 50s.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I am taking in the responses and I agree. These are general observations I have made for western society as a whole; not necessarily taking in individual situations and exceptions.

I've just noticed that on the whole, western families are very individual oriented. Parents love their children, sure. But there's a limit to the love in the sense that the love is there so as long as it is self preserving. Western parents I know provide their children with a lot of good parenting and love but never at personal expense. Eastern families on the other hand, put almost a divine emphasis on parent-children bond. Parents do everything and anything for their children, putting them even before their marriages. I know many friends who have gone broke and into debt so that their children have the best educations. The concept of "work life balance" is alien to a typical Southasian mom. All she cares about is her child and his/her well being in a way that seems that the child is almost an extension of her.

The children realize the deep love their parents have shown them and would never be rude to their parents or abandon them in time of need.

I think its a different mind set.

Good god! There's so much wrong with what you wrote I don't know where to begin. You've got to be a troll because no one is this fucking stupid!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am taking in the responses and I agree. These are general observations I have made for western society as a whole; not necessarily taking in individual situations and exceptions.

I've just noticed that on the whole, western families are very individual oriented. Parents love their children, sure. But there's a limit to the love in the sense that the love is there so as long as it is self preserving. Western parents I know provide their children with a lot of good parenting and love but never at personal expense. Eastern families on the other hand, put almost a divine emphasis on parent-children bond. Parents do everything and anything for their children, putting them even before their marriages. I know many friends who have gone broke and into debt so that their children have the best educations. The concept of "work life balance" is alien to a typical Southasian mom. All she cares about is her child and his/her well being in a way that seems that the child is almost an extension of her.

The children realize the deep love their parents have shown them and would never be rude to their parents or abandon them in time of need.

I think its a different mind set.

Well, you seem really hypocritical. I mean, you moved to the U.S., presumably away from some of your extended family. And/or you tore your parents out of a country they'd grown up in and loved and made them move with you to the U.S. so they could live with you (and provide free childcare, is my guess).

DH is SE Asian and he obviously isn't close to his family in any sense of the word, since he lives literally on the opposite side of the earth from them. I'm American and very close to my family.

Sounds like 1. you're not very bright and 2. maybe you are not well integrated and you still think of yourself as a foreigner. That's sad and lame, but I don't think anything anyone says on here will change your weird opinions about Americans. But guess what, hon? YOU'RE AMERICAN. Welcome to the club.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am taking in the responses and I agree. These are general observations I have made for western society as a whole; not necessarily taking in individual situations and exceptions.

I've just noticed that on the whole, western families are very individual oriented. Parents love their children, sure. But there's a limit to the love in the sense that the love is there so as long as it is self preserving. Western parents I know provide their children with a lot of good parenting and love but never at personal expense. Eastern families on the other hand, put almost a divine emphasis on parent-children bond. Parents do everything and anything for their children, putting them even before their marriages. I know many friends who have gone broke and into debt so that their children have the best educations. The concept of "work life balance" is alien to a typical Southasian mom. All she cares about is her child and his/her well being in a way that seems that the child is almost an extension of her.

The children realize the deep love their parents have shown them and would never be rude to their parents or abandon them in time of need.

I think its a different mind set.

12:09 here again. O

P, do you have any non-Indian close friends? I'd be surprised that you seem to think these things if you did, given that you've been here 20 years. You appear to have a superficial understanding of other cultures. No culture gets the prize on motherhood. There are selfish and selfless parents in all cultures. It is easy to call someone else's love 'limited' if you don't understand how they love to begin with.

Many Indian moms become martyrs due to their 'sacrifice'. Too often in Indian culture, the parents love to point at all the 'sacrifices' they made and then expect to be accommodated, and coddled the rest of their lives. Or they expect to have control in important matters in your life - be it your career, your mate, your house even. But if you expect something for your sacrifice (even if that expectation is continued power in your child's life), its not really a sacrifice at all, but just another transaction of sorts, just not a financial one. Was all that sacrifice due to love only, or some element of self-preservation afoot? It doesn't speak to me of divine love, at any rate.

And FWIW, no working mom has work-life-balance. That's just a fallacy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Western parents I know provide their children with a lot of good parenting and love but never at personal expense.

WTF does this mean - Western parents do not spend $$ on their kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a southasian American who, after having lived in the U.S for over 20 years is pretty baffled by the western perspective on extended family. I have seen my friends and colleagues speak at great length about troubled relations with their brothers and sisters and mothers and fathers and in laws. Most times, adult siblings only speak to each other occasionally and see each other at Christmas. Adult daughters can't stand their fathers and do not see them unless its an emergency. Siblings cutting each other off etc. Married couples not wanting to have their elderly parents live with them and more.

In the east, we LOVE our families. We live and would die for them. As an adult daughter it is a great privilege and blessing to me that my elderly parents can live with us and that I can take care of them in their old age. I love my siblings and we all live near each other.

Why is it so different in the west?

But wait. You are in the WEST! I've posted and read responses on this thread. You are prejudiced and rude to say that Westerners do not value family and do not assist family. Your post indicates dissatisfaction with this country. Any more complaints?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Its a very different reality when you are the woman and the actual caregiver. Those who preach are not dealing with a relative with dementia who cannot feed, bath or care for themselves let alone be home alone. Its far harder care than a newborn. You cannot even compare the level of care needed. I did it and couldn't do it anymore.

+ in India life expectancy is shorter and old people die of other causes before dementia sets in.

Not the Indian people I know. Unlike most Westerners, they don't smoke, drink little or not at all, and eat diets of mostly vegetables. They live easily into their 80's and beyond.

Average life expectancies:

United States- 79

India- 66

Ok thats great but since DCUM is not based in India, I'm assuming most of the Indians on this board are Indian-Americans, not Indians who are living in India. I have no doubt that given the extreme poverty throughout India, that the average life expectancy there is much lower than in the US.

The post above was in response to a post that specifically referred to a shorter life expectancy "in India."

[Anonymous]

Now I see a poster asserted Western parents don't spend money on their kids. from payer of tuition through grad school, buyer of vehicles, etc.

[Anonymous]

My family is mostly AA and Cuban. We're pretty family centered. Multi-generational households are the norm. Sunday dinner with extended family or at least monthly get together are expected. However, we're also military and understand that distance and absence aren't the same thing.

[Anonymous]

Op, westerners place great value on independent thinking. Independent thinking leads to independent actions, decisions that often are very dissimilar to what has been done by other family members in the past. It may mean a move across the country, marrying someone very unique or different, an unusual vocation, lots of things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP here. I am taking in the responses and I agree. These are general observations I have made for western society as a whole; not necessarily taking in individual situations and exceptions.

I've just noticed that on the whole, western families are very individual oriented. Parents love their children, sure. But there's a limit to the love in the sense that the love is there so as long as it is self preserving. Western parents I know provide their children with a lot of good parenting and love but never at personal expense. Eastern families on the other hand, put almost a divine emphasis on parent-children bond. Parents do everything and anything for their children, putting them even before their marriages. I know many friends who have gone broke and into debt so that their children have the best educations. The concept of "work life balance" is alien to a typical Southasian mom. All she cares about is her child and his/her well being in a way that seems that the child is almost an extension of her.

The children realize the deep love their parents have shown them and would never be rude to their parents or abandon them in time of need.

I think its a different mind set.

Good god! There's so much wrong with what you wrote I don't know where to begin. You've got to be a troll because no one is this fucking stupid!

+1

Holy shit, I don't even know where to begin.

Do you really think their are no western families who would go into debt for their children, do anything for their children?

You're Batshit Crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Now I see a poster asserted Western parents don't spend money on their kids. from payer of tuition through grad school, buyer of vehicles, etc.

But do you love enough to buy THE BEST vehicle possible?
A SE girl in my DC's HS had a brand new Acura she totaled, and her parents just bought her another brand-new MDX.
My DC drove a 10yo Toyota handed down from one of us parents, and was very appreciative.