MIL did this on purpose or am I overreacting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's what I think happened. There's clearly some back story/bad blood--why else would this be the first Christmas invite in 15 years?

MIL genuinely wanted to move forward enough to extend the invite and ask about pregnancy dietary restrictions. DIL comes back with a long list--she's a very careful pregnant woman, but it simply genuinely following all the "rules."

MIL takes a look at that list and decides DIL is being a diva/decides that "all this stuff was fine when *I* was pregnant, so it's fine now," and--reverting to bad blood/pettiness--designed the menu as a bit of an "F U."

DIL--who was genuintely just trying to have a healthy pregnancy--rightfully feels slighted.

I, personally, hate how dismissive the older generation is of modern-day pregnancy/childcare guidelines.
*I* ate deli meat and it was FINE!
*I* formula fed, and it was FINE!
*I* put baby to sleep on his back, and it was FINE!

But I also recognize that it is a common--and certainly not personal--dynamic. But I do think MIL took it as an affront, and resorted to the previous complex dynamic.

OP, ignore the slight, and do your best to just be unfailingly cordial and polite going forward. Kill her with kindness. DH sounds on board to help set boundaries where truly needed--that is a GREAT thing!

I roll my eyes at you, pp.

The older generation is right -- these things are ALL FINE.

We're totally fucking up parenting with our hysteria and our perfectionism and our hovering.

Formula is a fucking miracle -- it's GREAT. Deli meat is FINE. And of course it's fine to put a baby to sleep on its back.

Have some goddamned respect for your elders who are wiser than you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's what I think happened. There's clearly some back story/bad blood--why else would this be the first Christmas invite in 15 years?

MIL genuinely wanted to move forward enough to extend the invite and ask about pregnancy dietary restrictions. DIL comes back with a long list--she's a very careful pregnant woman, but it simply genuinely following all the "rules."

MIL takes a look at that list and decides DIL is being a diva/decides that "all this stuff was fine when *I* was pregnant, so it's fine now," and--reverting to bad blood/pettiness--designed the menu as a bit of an "F U."

DIL--who was genuintely just trying to have a healthy pregnancy--rightfully feels slighted.

I, personally, hate how dismissive the older generation is of modern-day pregnancy/childcare guidelines.
*I* ate deli meat and it was FINE!
*I* formula fed, and it was FINE!
*I* put baby to sleep on his back, and it was FINE!

But I also recognize that it is a common--and certainly not personal--dynamic. But I do think MIL took it as an affront, and resorted to the previous complex dynamic.

OP, ignore the slight, and do your best to just be unfailingly cordial and polite going forward. Kill her with kindness. DH sounds on board to help set boundaries where truly needed--that is a GREAT thing!

I roll my eyes at you, pp.

The older generation is right -- these things are ALL FINE.

We're totally fucking up parenting with our hysteria and our perfectionism and our hovering.

Formula is a fucking miracle -- it's GREAT. Deli meat is FINE. And of course it's fine to put a baby to sleep on its back.

Have some goddamned respect for your elders who are wiser than you.

HAHHAHAHA. NP. My elders drank and smoked during their pregnanices. Was that "fine"? NOT IN THE CASE OF TWO OF MY UNCLES, who had major health problems as a result.

Of course formula is fine. But older women get so fucking defensive about younger mothers who choose to breastfeed. Sorry, the choices we make are going to be based on advice from *our doctors,* not your old ass.

SIDS research is clear. Back to sleep. PERIOD.

Sorry you are old. But that doesn't mean that your lived experience trumps MEDICAL ADVICE. We're going to listen to *doctors and research,* not some old crone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's what I think happened. There's clearly some back story/bad blood--why else would this be the first Christmas invite in 15 years?

MIL genuinely wanted to move forward enough to extend the invite and ask about pregnancy dietary restrictions. DIL comes back with a long list--she's a very careful pregnant woman, but it simply genuinely following all the "rules."

MIL takes a look at that list and decides DIL is being a diva/decides that "all this stuff was fine when *I* was pregnant, so it's fine now," and--reverting to bad blood/pettiness--designed the menu as a bit of an "F U."

DIL--who was genuintely just trying to have a healthy pregnancy--rightfully feels slighted.

I, personally, hate how dismissive the older generation is of modern-day pregnancy/childcare guidelines.
*I* ate deli meat and it was FINE!
*I* formula fed, and it was FINE!
*I* put baby to sleep on his back, and it was FINE!

But I also recognize that it is a common--and certainly not personal--dynamic. But I do think MIL took it as an affront, and resorted to the previous complex dynamic.

OP, ignore the slight, and do your best to just be unfailingly cordial and polite going forward. Kill her with kindness. DH sounds on board to help set boundaries where truly needed--that is a GREAT thing!

I roll my eyes at you, pp.

The older generation is right -- these things are ALL FINE.

We're totally fucking up parenting with our hysteria and our perfectionism and our hovering.

Formula is a fucking miracle -- it's GREAT. Deli meat is FINE. And of course it's fine to put a baby to sleep on its back.

Have some goddamned respect for your elders who are wiser than you.

HAHHAHAHA. NP. My elders drank and smoked during their pregnanices. Was that "fine"? NOT IN THE CASE OF TWO OF MY UNCLES, who had major health problems as a result.

Of course formula is fine. But older women get so fucking defensive about younger mothers who choose to breastfeed. Sorry, the choices we make are going to be based on advice from *our doctors,* not your old ass.

SIDS research is clear. Back to sleep. PERIOD.

Sorry you are old. But that doesn't mean that your lived experience trumps MEDICAL ADVICE. We're going to listen to *doctors and research,* not some old crone.

That "medical advice" changes so rapidly, by the time baby number 2 comes along there will be a whole new set of "must do's" and "must never dos."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's what I think happened. There's clearly some back story/bad blood--why else would this be the first Christmas invite in 15 years?

MIL genuinely wanted to move forward enough to extend the invite and ask about pregnancy dietary restrictions. DIL comes back with a long list--she's a very careful pregnant woman, but it simply genuinely following all the "rules."

MIL takes a look at that list and decides DIL is being a diva/decides that "all this stuff was fine when *I* was pregnant, so it's fine now," and--reverting to bad blood/pettiness--designed the menu as a bit of an "F U."

DIL--who was genuintely just trying to have a healthy pregnancy--rightfully feels slighted.

I, personally, hate how dismissive the older generation is of modern-day pregnancy/childcare guidelines.
*I* ate deli meat and it was FINE!
*I* formula fed, and it was FINE!
*I* put baby to sleep on his back, and it was FINE!

But I also recognize that it is a common--and certainly not personal--dynamic. But I do think MIL took it as an affront, and resorted to the previous complex dynamic.

OP, ignore the slight, and do your best to just be unfailingly cordial and polite going forward. Kill her with kindness. DH sounds on board to help set boundaries where truly needed--that is a GREAT thing!

I roll my eyes at you, pp.

The older generation is right -- these things are ALL FINE.

We're totally fucking up parenting with our hysteria and our perfectionism and our hovering.

Formula is a fucking miracle -- it's GREAT. Deli meat is FINE. And of course it's fine to put a baby to sleep on its back.

Have some goddamned respect for your elders who are wiser than you.

HAHHAHAHA. NP. My elders drank and smoked during their pregnanices. Was that "fine"? NOT IN THE CASE OF TWO OF MY UNCLES, who had major health problems as a result.

Of course formula is fine. But older women get so fucking defensive about younger mothers who choose to breastfeed. Sorry, the choices we make are going to be based on advice from *our doctors,* not your old ass.

SIDS research is clear. Back to sleep. PERIOD.

Sorry you are old. But that doesn't mean that your lived experience trumps MEDICAL ADVICE. We're going to listen to *doctors and research,* not some old crone.

I'm not old. I'm probably your age.

As for those doctors -- are those the same doctors you viewed with such incredible distrust when you were pregnant and ranting about C sections and the Baby Industrial Complex? Because I've found those, ahem, "mamas" that are the most outspoken and strident about their parenting "choices" tended to be the most suspicious of doctors when they were pregnant. But, you know, they'll cling to WHO recommendations that you nurse until age 2 without realizing that those recommendations are aimed at women in developing nations who tend to give water to their babies, who are at a higher risk for dysentery. You know, the "mamas" that on one hand are prone to saying things like women have been giving birth for thousands of years but on the other hand carry on like they invented motherhood.

Are you one of those "mamas?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's what I think happened. There's clearly some back story/bad blood--why else would this be the first Christmas invite in 15 years?

MIL genuinely wanted to move forward enough to extend the invite and ask about pregnancy dietary restrictions. DIL comes back with a long list--she's a very careful pregnant woman, but it simply genuinely following all the "rules."

MIL takes a look at that list and decides DIL is being a diva/decides that "all this stuff was fine when *I* was pregnant, so it's fine now," and--reverting to bad blood/pettiness--designed the menu as a bit of an "F U."

DIL--who was genuintely just trying to have a healthy pregnancy--rightfully feels slighted.

I, personally, hate how dismissive the older generation is of modern-day pregnancy/childcare guidelines.
*I* ate deli meat and it was FINE!
*I* formula fed, and it was FINE!
*I* put baby to sleep on his back, and it was FINE!

But I also recognize that it is a common--and certainly not personal--dynamic. But I do think MIL took it as an affront, and resorted to the previous complex dynamic.

OP, ignore the slight, and do your best to just be unfailingly cordial and polite going forward. Kill her with kindness. DH sounds on board to help set boundaries where truly needed--that is a GREAT thing!

I roll my eyes at you, pp.

The older generation is right -- these things are ALL FINE.

We're totally fucking up parenting with our hysteria and our perfectionism and our hovering.

Formula is a fucking miracle -- it's GREAT. Deli meat is FINE. And of course it's fine to put a baby to sleep on its back.

Have some goddamned respect for your elders who are wiser than you.

HAHHAHAHA. NP. My elders drank and smoked during their pregnanices. Was that "fine"? NOT IN THE CASE OF TWO OF MY UNCLES, who had major health problems as a result.

Of course formula is fine. But older women get so fucking defensive about younger mothers who choose to breastfeed. Sorry, the choices we make are going to be based on advice from *our doctors,* not your old ass.

SIDS research is clear. Back to sleep. PERIOD.

Sorry you are old. But that doesn't mean that your lived experience trumps MEDICAL ADVICE. We're going to listen to *doctors and research,* not some old crone.

You were saying don't put your babies to sleep on their back. Just saying.

[Anonymous]

+1 on over-reacting. As I frequently tell my kids (and myself): Err on the side of thinking the best of people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's what I think happened. There's clearly some back story/bad blood--why else would this be the first Christmas invite in 15 years?

MIL genuinely wanted to move forward enough to extend the invite and ask about pregnancy dietary restrictions. DIL comes back with a long list--she's a very careful pregnant woman, but it simply genuinely following all the "rules."

MIL takes a look at that list and decides DIL is being a diva/decides that "all this stuff was fine when *I* was pregnant, so it's fine now," and--reverting to bad blood/pettiness--designed the menu as a bit of an "F U."

DIL--who was genuintely just trying to have a healthy pregnancy--rightfully feels slighted.

I, personally, hate how dismissive the older generation is of modern-day pregnancy/childcare guidelines.
*I* ate deli meat and it was FINE!
*I* formula fed, and it was FINE!
*I* put baby to sleep on his back, and it was FINE!

But I also recognize that it is a common--and certainly not personal--dynamic. But I do think MIL took it as an affront, and resorted to the previous complex dynamic.

OP, ignore the slight, and do your best to just be unfailingly cordial and polite going forward. Kill her with kindness. DH sounds on board to help set boundaries where truly needed--that is a GREAT thing!

I roll my eyes at you, pp.

The older generation is right -- these things are ALL FINE.

We're totally fucking up parenting with our hysteria and our perfectionism and our hovering.

Formula is a fucking miracle -- it's GREAT. Deli meat is FINE. And of course it's fine to put a baby to sleep on its back.

Have some goddamned respect for your elders who are wiser than you.

HAHHAHAHA. NP. My elders drank and smoked during their pregnanices. Was that "fine"? NOT IN THE CASE OF TWO OF MY UNCLES, who had major health problems as a result.

Of course formula is fine. But older women get so fucking defensive about younger mothers who choose to breastfeed. Sorry, the choices we make are going to be based on advice from *our doctors,* not your old ass.

SIDS research is clear. Back to sleep. PERIOD.

Sorry you are old. But that doesn't mean that your lived experience trumps MEDICAL ADVICE. We're going to listen to *doctors and research,* not some old crone.

I'm not old. I'm probably your age.

As for those doctors -- are those the same doctors you viewed with such incredible distrust when you were pregnant and ranting about C sections and the Baby Industrial Complex? Because I've found those, ahem, "mamas" that are the most outspoken and strident about their parenting "choices" tended to be the most suspicious of doctors when they were pregnant. But, you know, they'll cling to WHO recommendations that you nurse until age 2 without realizing that those recommendations are aimed at women in developing nations who tend to give water to their babies, who are at a higher risk for dysentery. You know, the "mamas" that on one hand are prone to saying things like women have been giving birth for thousands of years but on the other hand carry on like they invented motherhood.

Are you one of those "mamas?"

I've had 2 C-sections under medical advice for scoliosis and only breastfed until 14 months with both. But THANKS FOR PLAYING!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've had 4 kids and ate most of those things while pregnant. Your diet restrictions sound ridiculous. Not doubting you, just surprised that things have changed so much.

What was she supposed to serve?

Ditto. My OB thinks all these diet restrictions today are crazy too. The only thing I wouldn't have eaten while I was pregnant was the raw oysters. If you MIL did this intentionally, I'm sure it's because she thinks you're neurotic.

[Anonymous]

There is no way MIL cooked so much pork as a coincidence.

Batsh*t crazy. Stay away from her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's what I think happened. There's clearly some back story/bad blood--why else would this be the first Christmas invite in 15 years?

MIL genuinely wanted to move forward enough to extend the invite and ask about pregnancy dietary restrictions. DIL comes back with a long list--she's a very careful pregnant woman, but it simply genuinely following all the "rules."

MIL takes a look at that list and decides DIL is being a diva/decides that "all this stuff was fine when *I* was pregnant, so it's fine now," and--reverting to bad blood/pettiness--designed the menu as a bit of an "F U."

DIL--who was genuintely just trying to have a healthy pregnancy--rightfully feels slighted.

I, personally, hate how dismissive the older generation is of modern-day pregnancy/childcare guidelines.
*I* ate deli meat and it was FINE!
*I* formula fed, and it was FINE!
*I* put baby to sleep on his back, and it was FINE!

But I also recognize that it is a common--and certainly not personal--dynamic. But I do think MIL took it as an affront, and resorted to the previous complex dynamic.

OP, ignore the slight, and do your best to just be unfailingly cordial and polite going forward. Kill her with kindness. DH sounds on board to help set boundaries where truly needed--that is a GREAT thing!

I roll my eyes at you, pp.

The older generation is right -- these things are ALL FINE.

We're totally fucking up parenting with our hysteria and our perfectionism and our hovering.

Formula is a fucking miracle -- it's GREAT. Deli meat is FINE. And of course it's fine to put a baby to sleep on its back.

Have some goddamned respect for your elders who are wiser than you.

HAHHAHAHA. NP. My elders drank and smoked during their pregnanices. Was that "fine"? NOT IN THE CASE OF TWO OF MY UNCLES, who had major health problems as a result.

Of course formula is fine. But older women get so fucking defensive about younger mothers who choose to breastfeed. Sorry, the choices we make are going to be based on advice from *our doctors,* not your old ass.

SIDS research is clear. Back to sleep. PERIOD.

Sorry you are old. But that doesn't mean that your lived experience trumps MEDICAL ADVICE. We're going to listen to *doctors and research,* not some old crone.

I'm not old. I'm probably your age.

As for those doctors -- are those the same doctors you viewed with such incredible distrust when you were pregnant and ranting about C sections and the Baby Industrial Complex? Because I've found those, ahem, "mamas" that are the most outspoken and strident about their parenting "choices" tended to be the most suspicious of doctors when they were pregnant. But, you know, they'll cling to WHO recommendations that you nurse until age 2 without realizing that those recommendations are aimed at women in developing nations who tend to give water to their babies, who are at a higher risk for dysentery. You know, the "mamas" that on one hand are prone to saying things like women have been giving birth for thousands of years but on the other hand carry on like they invented motherhood.

Are you one of those "mamas?"

I've had 2 C-sections under medical advice for scoliosis and only breastfed until 14 months with both. But THANKS FOR PLAYING!

I'm not OP, but you sound crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's what I think happened. There's clearly some back story/bad blood--why else would this be the first Christmas invite in 15 years?

MIL genuinely wanted to move forward enough to extend the invite and ask about pregnancy dietary restrictions. DIL comes back with a long list--she's a very careful pregnant woman, but it simply genuinely following all the "rules."

MIL takes a look at that list and decides DIL is being a diva/decides that "all this stuff was fine when *I* was pregnant, so it's fine now," and--reverting to bad blood/pettiness--designed the menu as a bit of an "F U."

DIL--who was genuintely just trying to have a healthy pregnancy--rightfully feels slighted.

I, personally, hate how dismissive the older generation is of modern-day pregnancy/childcare guidelines.
*I* ate deli meat and it was FINE!
*I* formula fed, and it was FINE!
*I* put baby to sleep on his back, and it was FINE!

But I also recognize that it is a common--and certainly not personal--dynamic. But I do think MIL took it as an affront, and resorted to the previous complex dynamic.

OP, ignore the slight, and do your best to just be unfailingly cordial and polite going forward. Kill her with kindness. DH sounds on board to help set boundaries where truly needed--that is a GREAT thing!

I roll my eyes at you, pp.

The older generation is right -- these things are ALL FINE.

We're totally fucking up parenting with our hysteria and our perfectionism and our hovering.

Formula is a fucking miracle -- it's GREAT. Deli meat is FINE. And of course it's fine to put a baby to sleep on its back.

Have some goddamned respect for your elders who are wiser than you.

Nope. Sorry. If you ask someone to provide a list of foods that they can not or do not eat and they provide you with that list and you then opt to base the menu on all of those foods the person can not eat with no alternatives, that is terribly rude.

Would I have wanted to cater to all of those special food requests? No. I like Christmas ham. I like bacon and eggs over easy for breakfast. I wouldn't want to have to eat oatmeal just because that's the only breakfast that Op can eat. But I would have had oatmeal on hand for Op to eat if that is what she preferred.

[Anonymous]

I am on my third pregnancy and I would eat all of those things..easily..without any guilt. I understand OP might be more nervous. I sincerely doubt her MIL meant any harm though.

[Anonymous]

I am the loosest person ever on what should and shouldn't be eaten but I still think it was odd to serve that assortment of foods given that you were specifically asked what foods they should avoid and you presumably said all of those things yet they served them anyway (except the runny eggs - I'm sure I would not have connected that to the list)

It sounds like they either forgot, did it on purpose, or didn't connect that there were so few acceptable options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am on my third pregnancy and I would eat all of those things..easily..without any guilt. I understand OP might be more nervous. I sincerely doubt her MIL meant any harm though.

Per your request, this is a list of foods that I'm currently avoiding: "The List"

And what food does MIL opt to serve? Why every damn food on "The List"

I'm not sure how you are getting "meant no harm" from that. I don't think it's worth making a federal case out of. Just realize that you need to bring a little something for yourself next time (or just eat beforehand). This hamburger don't need no helper.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am on my third pregnancy and I would eat all of those things..easily..without any guilt. I understand OP might be more nervous. I sincerely doubt her MIL meant any harm though.

Per your request, this is a list of foods that I'm currently avoiding: "The List"

And what food does MIL opt to serve? Why every damn food on "The List"

I'm not sure how you are getting "meant no harm" from that. I don't think it's worth making a federal case out of. Just realize that you need to bring a little something for yourself next time (or just eat beforehand). This hamburger don't need no helper.

Best quote of the night. Thank you!