Moving overseas. Dad says he won't come visit us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm surprised by how tone deaf some of these responses are.

Look, I get it. We chose to move. It's the best decision for our family. We acknowledge that we will not be seeing our relatives stateside much, and we accept that as a consequence of our decision. The pros far outweigh the cons.

Of course my dad doesn't *have* to visit us. It should go without saying that he is his own person and he isn't obligated to do anything. I am saddened that he has stated outright he will not come to visit us, ever. He has time, money, good health, is still relatively young and has virtually no obligations. We'll visit him when we can, but we'll both be working and looking after a small child (and we plan to have another child), so we may not be as available/flexible as he is. My dad will miss out on seeing our new home and getting to experience a new place he would probably like.

It's easy when it's not your family to say "get over it." I will get over it, but he just told me this and I'm not a robot devoid of human emotions. I am saddened and disappointed that he has completely written off a visit and decided it's not worth it. It is what is is, but it still sucks.

My MIL is in her 70s and has flown to see us in DC twice, 24 hours total flight time each time. She doesn't love flying either, but she wanted to see us and realizes that the flight doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things. I wish I could say the same about my dad. Clearly his priorities are very different.

Seems to me you're more troubled by this because your father doesn't live up to your MIL's behavior. Would this bother you if your MIL weren't so much more flexible?

[Anonymous]

OP, I haven't read every other answer but this was my first thought: Maybe this isn't really about dad not wanting to see you or not valuing you, or about fear of flying, or expense, etc. All of these roadblocks to seeing you either here or over there--it's too expensive, I won't take such a long flight, etc. -- sound like they could be his (unconscious) way of pushing aside the reality that you're leaving. He might be refusing to visit now and in the future because if he says, yes, I'll see about making a trip to visit you, then he has to admit to himself that you really will be half the world away. He might also be engaging in some passive-aggressive manipulation here; if he's not happy that you're moving (it's too far; he'll never see the grandkids grow up; he doesn't think the job(s) for which you're moving are going to work out; whatever) -- then he might feel that he has to show his disapproval by tossing up as many obstacles to his visiting as he can find.

In other words, this might not be evidence that he doesn't really care but evidence that he's angry or upset at the move and doesn't want to say so out loud, so he's making his disapproval or hurt known by saying he won't visit.

If you and he are otherwise on good terms, talk with him frankly about it.

While it's generous of him to say he will pay for you to visit HIM back here, the reality of having small children and living 16 hours away (plus time to get to airports, plus leave time from jobs, plus....) is that it will be very, very rare that you can make the trip, while I agree with you that he, in good health and with resources, could do it more readily. Have you told him kindly but directly that while you do appreciate the idea of visiting him and his offer to pay for it, it may be several years, or many, before your family realistically can make that trip?

I have a good friend whose brother emigrated to Australia, married and had kids there, and he's not moving back. My friend and her mom see the brother maybe every five to eight years at the most. Their elderly mom has traveled to Australia to see her son and my friend and her family have done the same, and her brother tries to get back to see his folks so no one's doing a "I won't fly to see you" routine. But it's a huge undertaking with kids on both sides of the family to consider, school schedules in particular. And yes, the cost. If this is a permanent emigration for your family, and not a move for a few years for a job etc. -- your dad needs to understand (and only you can tell him) that this is the real thing, and permanent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm surprised by how tone deaf some of these responses are.

Look, I get it. We chose to move. It's the best decision for our family. We acknowledge that we will not be seeing our relatives stateside much, and we accept that as a consequence of our decision. The pros far outweigh the cons.

Of course my dad doesn't *have* to visit us. It should go without saying that he is his own person and he isn't obligated to do anything. I am saddened that he has stated outright he will not come to visit us, ever. He has time, money, good health, is still relatively young and has virtually no obligations. We'll visit him when we can, but we'll both be working and looking after a small child (and we plan to have another child), so we may not be as available/flexible as he is. My dad will miss out on seeing our new home and getting to experience a new place he would probably like.

It's easy when it's not your family to say "get over it." I will get over it, but he just told me this and I'm not a robot devoid of human emotions. I am saddened and disappointed that he has completely written off a visit and decided it's not worth it. It is what is is, but it still sucks.

My MIL is in her 70s and has flown to see us in DC twice, 24 hours total flight time each time. She doesn't love flying either, but she wanted to see us and realizes that the flight doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things. I wish I could say the same about my dad. Clearly his priorities are very different.

PP here whose DH's parents live overseas. Sounds like you want to claim anyone who doesn't agree with you is tone deaf. Maybe that stridency/need to be "right"/need to make this a personal drama is why your dad isn't going out of his way to visit you.

And your MIL lives a 24-hour flight away and visits a lot? That strains credulity but fine. I guess she's not tired of your drama.

[Anonymous]

You chose to move away to the other side of the world. Certainly you knew that you would see family from the U.S. a lot less.

[Anonymous]

Look, OP. As much as it hurts you that your father is acting that way, understand that grandparents get more out of visiting their grown children with kids of their own than vice versa. The old person's life is on the downward trajectory unless they are around younger people. Then they can absorb some of the energy and upward trajectory of younger people who still have their whole life ahead of them, which old people can share vicariously. Older people left to their own company have nothing but decline ahead of them. So your dad is the loser in this situation. This is coming verbatim from my 75-year old mom who makes the 10-hr flight from Europe to stay with us as much as she can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm surprised by how tone deaf some of these responses are.

Look, I get it. We chose to move. It's the best decision for our family. We acknowledge that we will not be seeing our relatives stateside much, and we accept that as a consequence of our decision. The pros far outweigh the cons.

Of course my dad doesn't *have* to visit us. It should go without saying that he is his own person and he isn't obligated to do anything. I am saddened that he has stated outright he will not come to visit us, ever. He has time, money, good health, is still relatively young and has virtually no obligations. We'll visit him when we can, but we'll both be working and looking after a small child (and we plan to have another child), so we may not be as available/flexible as he is. My dad will miss out on seeing our new home and getting to experience a new place he would probably like.

It's easy when it's not your family to say "get over it." I will get over it, but he just told me this and I'm not a robot devoid of human emotions. I am saddened and disappointed that he has completely written off a visit and decided it's not worth it. It is what is is, but it still sucks.

My MIL is in her 70s and has flown to see us in DC twice, 24 hours total flight time each time. She doesn't love flying either, but she wanted to see us and realizes that the flight doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things. I wish I could say the same about my dad. Clearly his priorities are very different.

Twice over how many years? I asked you why you are not planning to stop in LA since most planes stop anyway. I would be insulted if you expected me to fly round trip cross country then within 1 week you flew into LAX.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He just isn't that in to you.

You guys are choosing to move & he is choosing to not visit. Adults get to make their own choices.

This is what I thought too. There are so, so many grandparents who are just not involved. Reading about them helps me to feel better about my own.

[Anonymous]

DH travels all over the world for work -- but mostly Asia and Europe. When a perfect opportunity came up for the whole family to tag along to his trip to Australia I have to say I was completely weirded out. I'm in my 40s and didn't want my kids to miss out -- so I basically forced myself to go. If it was just me and I was 60, I can understand where OP's dad is coming from. I didn't say it was rational, I'm just saying I get it. Of course, I fell in love with Australia and will return the moment we get a chance (and as long as we fly business class).

[Anonymous]

Op - YOU decided to move. This is on you.

[Anonymous]

Op - guess what Op, he's treating you as an adult, as if you can handle the truth. He's telling you the truth, he's not
sugar-coating it. He's not coming. This is how it is. Now you know. You can plan/cope accordingly.

You have a problem with how the message was delivered. That's your problem.

[Anonymous]

While there are direct flights from LA to Australia, you can also break it up, like by flying west first (Hong Kong, Tokyo, Singapore, Honolulu, Guam), stay over a day or two, then to Australia from there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm surprised by how tone deaf some of these responses are.

Look, I get it. We chose to move. It's the best decision for our family. We acknowledge that we will not be seeing our relatives stateside much, and we accept that as a consequence of our decision. The pros far outweigh the cons.

Of course my dad doesn't *have* to visit us. It should go without saying that he is his own person and he isn't obligated to do anything. I am saddened that he has stated outright he will not come to visit us, ever. He has time, money, good health, is still relatively young and has virtually no obligations. We'll visit him when we can, but we'll both be working and looking after a small child (and we plan to have another child), so we may not be as available/flexible as he is. My dad will miss out on seeing our new home and getting to experience a new place he would probably like.

It's easy when it's not your family to say "get over it." I will get over it, but he just told me this and I'm not a robot devoid of human emotions. I am saddened and disappointed that he has completely written off a visit and decided it's not worth it. It is what is is, but it still sucks.

My MIL is in her 70s and has flown to see us in DC twice, 24 hours total flight time each time. She doesn't love flying either, but she wanted to see us and realizes that the flight doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things. I wish I could say the same about my dad. Clearly his priorities are very different.

OP, this doesn't mean he actually won't visit you. My dad tends to knee jerk to "no" for whatever reason and then changes his mind later. I would be surprised if he didn't visit you after a few years. He'll miss you and he will miss his grandkids.

[Anonymous]

Why don't you offer to pay to upgrade him to business class?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH travels all over the world for work -- but mostly Asia and Europe. When a perfect opportunity came up for the whole family to tag along to his trip to Australia I have to say I was completely weirded out. I'm in my 40s and didn't want my kids to miss out -- so I basically forced myself to go. If it was just me and I was 60, I can understand where OP's dad is coming from. I didn't say it was rational, I'm just saying I get it. Of course, I fell in love with Australia and will return the moment we get a chance (and as long as we fly business class).

I don't really understand what you're saying? You were weirded out that your DH invited you to travel with him to Australia? You were "weirded out" about traveling to Australia? Please explain what is so weird about travel?

[Anonymous]

OP, a lot of people disagree with you and see where your dad is coming from. There are two possibilities: everyone else including your dad is tone deaf and dead wrong or there is another valid perspective besides your own.

From where I sit you sound entitled and stubborn. Your father offered to pay a huge amount of money for your tickets. This means he really wants to see you and he really doesn't want to take that 16-hour plane ride. You don't seem to give a crap about either of those things.