Moving overseas. Dad says he won't come visit us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My family is moving overseas to Australia. My father lives in Los Angeles, a 16 hour flight away. My dad says he will never come visit us because the flight is too long, so we must always come and visit him. He says instead he would pay for my family's flight to see him, if necessary. He is 60 years old and retired, well off financially, he has no medical issues, he isn't afraid of flying, he is unmarried/unattached and he has no other commitments on his time whatsoever. Meanwhile, DH and I both work FT and we have a very young child. It will be considerably more difficult, logistically, for us all to arrange to see him. I am willing to do this but I don't know if we can swing it every year or very often, especially when DC is in school. I'm disappointed and a little insulted at his refusal to visit simply because he does not want to sit in an airplane seat for 16 hours. He also isn't coming back east to visit us before we leave because he says the flights are too expensive, more expensive than normal (like $1k vs $500). He offered to fly us out to him, but I explained that we need all the time we have to pack, make arrangements and finish up at work, so we really cannot take a vacation right now. I'm very disappointed and I feel like we don't matter as much to him as I thought. It's like he can't be bothered to go out of his way. I wish he cared more about seeing us, especially his grandchild.

Here's the thing, OP. We all look at our lives from the inside of what we are experiencing.

Your father has had a lifetime of doing things for you. He has (presumedly) been up all night while you're puking, gone to dance recitals when he'd rather be doing something else, done all the things that parents do to help raise their children to be strong and independent adults, and then let you fly. You've made the choice to move far from home (across the coast), and now overseas. Those choices don't come without sacrifices, and as a strong and independent adult, you should know that we can't foist our sacrifices on other people.

You moving overseas is a good choice for you, not your extended family. So own it, and understand that it really does put your extended family out. That being said, you are responsible for your core family unit and if it works for them, then it's your decision.

60 isn't feeble and OP's dad is in LA. LA has 5 airports. If you fly from DC to Australia most planes land at LAX-refuel etc. Obviously OP will be flying through LA so it seems to me to be a slap in the face to the dad expecting him to fly LA to DC roundtrip when OP is too self involved to not fly to LA on day 1 and from LA to Austalia on day 2.

[Anonymous]

OP, I understand how you feel. My dad is similar and very rarely travels to us. It would be nice to see him more often and he says he will come visit, but then he doesn't.

I posted a similar thread a couple years ago and people were similarly nasty. I just wanted to say that I don't think it's crazy or selfish to want your parent to come visit you.

I certainly will be visiting my kids in the future - wherever they live!

I'm sorry your dad has disappointed you. It sucks. I know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I understand how you feel. My dad is similar and very rarely travels to us. It would be nice to see him more often and he says he will come visit, but then he doesn't.

I posted a similar thread a couple years ago and people were similarly nasty. I just wanted to say that I don't think it's crazy or selfish to want your parent to come visit you.

I certainly will be visiting my kids in the future - wherever they live!

I'm sorry your dad has disappointed you. It sucks. I know.

Disagreeing with your viewpoint and laying out reasons behind that perspective is not being "nasty."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why should he have to travel--something he doesn't like to do--because of your choices?

His generous willingness to pay for your family to fly to see him is his way of showing that he cares.

I have a dear friend who is disappointed I won't fly to Amsterdam to see her after she moved there four years ago. Sorry, I've already been to Amsterdam, so my overseas travel--and the expense and time it takes to travel abroad--will be spent elsewhere. I'm happy to meet her in London or something, but no--your choice to move far away. I'll see you here in the States when you visit family.

This is what my inlaws think. Since we moved away (for our jobs), we should always be the one who comes home and she never needs to visit us.

+1

OP you are choosing to move away so the burden falls on you. His offer to fly you home is very generous. Be grateful.

PP that you quoted- I was being sarcastic. In no way is it okay that my inlaws don't visit us and think we should visit them only. We're only 2 hours away though, not the long plane ride to Australia.

Why are you comparing a 2-hour flight situation to an Australia or an Amsterdam situation? Those aren't the same dynamics AT ALL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why should he have to travel--something he doesn't like to do--because of your choices?

His generous willingness to pay for your family to fly to see him is his way of showing that he cares.

I have a dear friend who is disappointed I won't fly to Amsterdam to see her after she moved there four years ago. Sorry, I've already been to Amsterdam, so my overseas travel--and the expense and time it takes to travel abroad--will be spent elsewhere. I'm happy to meet her in London or something, but no--your choice to move far away. I'll see you here in the States when you visit family.

This is what my inlaws think. Since we moved away (for our jobs), we should always be the one who comes home and she never needs to visit us.

+1

OP you are choosing to move away so the burden falls on you. His offer to fly you home is very generous. Be grateful.

PP that you quoted- I was being sarcastic. In no way is it okay that my inlaws don't visit us and think we should visit them only. We're only 2 hours away though, not the long plane ride to Australia.

Why are you comparing a 2-hour flight situation to an Australia or an Amsterdam situation? Those aren't the same dynamics AT ALL.

I was stating our experience because it's common for parents to think that visits only go one way. And that they shouldn't have to travel to see their children or grandchildren.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My family is moving overseas to Australia. My father lives in Los Angeles, a 16 hour flight away. My dad says he will never come visit us because the flight is too long, so we must always come and visit him. He says instead he would pay for my family's flight to see him, if necessary. He is 60 years old and retired, well off financially, he has no medical issues, he isn't afraid of flying, he is unmarried/unattached and he has no other commitments on his time whatsoever. Meanwhile, DH and I both work FT and we have a very young child. It will be considerably more difficult, logistically, for us all to arrange to see him. I am willing to do this but I don't know if we can swing it every year or very often, especially when DC is in school. I'm disappointed and a little insulted at his refusal to visit simply because he does not want to sit in an airplane seat for 16 hours. He also isn't coming back east to visit us before we leave because he says the flights are too expensive, more expensive than normal (like $1k vs $500). He offered to fly us out to him, but I explained that we need all the time we have to pack, make arrangements and finish up at work, so we really cannot take a vacation right now. I'm very disappointed and I feel like we don't matter as much to him as I thought. It's like he can't be bothered to go out of his way. I wish he cared more about seeing us, especially his grandchild.

OP, you are choosing not to go see him before you leave because it is inconvenient for you. Do you feel he has a right to be disappointed? I expect he is.

[Anonymous]

"Sorry to hear that Dad, we'll really miss seeing you more often."

And then travel back when you can and thank him for paying.

Lots of people don't have any interest in flying for 16 hours. Mainly because flying for that long is a MISERABLE experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why should he have to travel--something he doesn't like to do--because of your choices?

His generous willingness to pay for your family to fly to see him is his way of showing that he cares.

I have a dear friend who is disappointed I won't fly to Amsterdam to see her after she moved there four years ago. Sorry, I've already been to Amsterdam, so my overseas travel--and the expense and time it takes to travel abroad--will be spent elsewhere. I'm happy to meet her in London or something, but no--your choice to move far away. I'll see you here in the States when you visit family.

This is what my inlaws think. Since we moved away (for our jobs), we should always be the one who comes home and she never needs to visit us.

+1

OP you are choosing to move away so the burden falls on you. His offer to fly you home is very generous. Be grateful.

PP that you quoted- I was being sarcastic. In no way is it okay that my inlaws don't visit us and think we should visit them only. We're only 2 hours away though, not the long plane ride to Australia.

Why are you comparing a 2-hour flight situation to an Australia or an Amsterdam situation? Those aren't the same dynamics AT ALL.

I was stating our experience because it's common for parents to think that visits only go one way. And that they shouldn't have to travel to see their children or grandchildren.

Right, but OP is essentially asking for feedback on what should be expected/what and who is "right" in this case.

In your case of a domestic, 2-hour flight, probably fairly reasonably priced flight, you are "right" to expect able-bodied, financially secure grandparents to visit at least SOME of the time.

In OP's case of an international, 16-hour, very expensive flight, she is not "right" to expect anyone to visit, regardless of health, finances, etc. ESPECIALLY when her father has offered to pay for her family to fly to see him.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think PPs are right that you can't really expect your dad to fly that far to visit you, and that it has nothing to do with how much he loves you or your child.

DH is from a country that's a 24-hour flight away (in each direction!) and his parents have literally never visited us. They are a little older than your dad, but yeah, it's a hard flight. We visit every year, but now with a growing family (and whew, is the jetlag hard on babies!) I think we're going to drop down to visiting every two years. They don't pay for our flights, so I think that IS a lovely and generous offer.

Try to navigate the changes this move will bring by remembering that everyone has their own level of comfort with things like huge flights and crossing multiple time zones and the hassle of travel to another country. He loves you, trust me!

[Anonymous]

So meet in Hawaii. 6 hour domestic flight for your dad and 9 or 10 for you in Australia.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I'm surprised by how tone deaf some of these responses are.

Look, I get it. We chose to move. It's the best decision for our family. We acknowledge that we will not be seeing our relatives stateside much, and we accept that as a consequence of our decision. The pros far outweigh the cons.

Of course my dad doesn't *have* to visit us. It should go without saying that he is his own person and he isn't obligated to do anything. I am saddened that he has stated outright he will not come to visit us, ever. He has time, money, good health, is still relatively young and has virtually no obligations. We'll visit him when we can, but we'll both be working and looking after a small child (and we plan to have another child), so we may not be as available/flexible as he is. My dad will miss out on seeing our new home and getting to experience a new place he would probably like.

It's easy when it's not your family to say "get over it." I will get over it, but he just told me this and I'm not a robot devoid of human emotions. I am saddened and disappointed that he has completely written off a visit and decided it's not worth it. It is what is is, but it still sucks.

My MIL is in her 70s and has flown to see us in DC twice, 24 hours total flight time each time. She doesn't love flying either, but she wanted to see us and realizes that the flight doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things. I wish I could say the same about my dad. Clearly his priorities are very different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm surprised by how tone deaf some of these responses are.

Look, I get it. We chose to move. It's the best decision for our family. We acknowledge that we will not be seeing our relatives stateside much, and we accept that as a consequence of our decision. The pros far outweigh the cons.

Of course my dad doesn't *have* to visit us. It should go without saying that he is his own person and he isn't obligated to do anything. I am saddened that he has stated outright he will not come to visit us, ever. He has time, money, good health, is still relatively young and has virtually no obligations. We'll visit him when we can, but we'll both be working and looking after a small child (and we plan to have another child), so we may not be as available/flexible as he is. My dad will miss out on seeing our new home and getting to experience a new place he would probably like.

It's easy when it's not your family to say "get over it." I will get over it, but he just told me this and I'm not a robot devoid of human emotions. I am saddened and disappointed that he has completely written off a visit and decided it's not worth it. It is what is is, but it still sucks.

My MIL is in her 70s and has flown to see us in DC twice, 24 hours total flight time each time. She doesn't love flying either, but she wanted to see us and realizes that the flight doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things. I wish I could say the same about my dad. Clearly his priorities are very different.

Well, OP, sounds like you are pretty confident that you are "in the right," and that your feelings are justified, and that you are making the right decision. So then maybe don't post on DCUM and subject yourself to all of us "tone deaf" rubes.

[Anonymous]

Tone deaf? LOL. Pot, meet kettle.

Why are you projecting all of your own expectations and emotions onto your dad? He is his own person and free to have his own reaction. Did you consult him about moving there? Sorry you were so wrapped up in your own little world to think through the consequences for everyone involved. I'm sure your dad is very sad too.

[Anonymous]

He doesn't like to travel, for whatever reason. He has made an extraordinarily generous offer to avoid it. Thank him and move one. What a self-centered brat!

[Anonymous]

Weird people leave Australia