Reply to Moving overseas. Dad says he won't come visit us.

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[quote=Anonymous]OP, I haven't read every other answer but this was my first thought: Maybe this isn't really about dad not wanting to see you or not valuing you, or about fear of flying, or expense, etc. All of these roadblocks to seeing you either here or over there--it's too expensive, I won't take such a long flight, etc. -- sound like they could be his (unconscious) way of pushing aside the reality that you're leaving. He might be refusing to visit now and in the future because if he says, yes, I'll see about making a trip to visit you, then he has to admit to himself that you really will be half the world away. He might also be engaging in some passive-aggressive manipulation here; if he's not happy that you're moving (it's too far; he'll never see the grandkids grow up; he doesn't think the job(s) for which you're moving are going to work out; whatever) -- then he might feel that he has to show his disapproval by tossing up as many obstacles to his visiting as he can find.

In other words, this might not be evidence that he doesn't really care but evidence that he's angry or upset at the move and doesn't want to say so out loud, so he's making his disapproval or hurt known by saying he won't visit.

If you and he are otherwise on good terms, talk with him frankly about it.

While it's generous of him to say he will pay for you to visit HIM back here, the reality of having small children and living 16 hours away (plus time to get to airports, plus leave time from jobs, plus....) is that it will be very, very rare that you can make the trip, while I agree with you that he, in good health and with resources, could do it more readily. Have you told him kindly but directly that while you do appreciate the idea of visiting him and his offer to pay for it, it may be several years, or many, before your family realistically can make that trip?

I have a good friend whose brother emigrated to Australia, married and had kids there, and he's not moving back. My friend and her mom see the brother maybe every five to eight years at the most. Their elderly mom has traveled to Australia to see her son and my friend and her family have done the same, and her brother tries to get back to see his folks so no one's doing a "I won't fly to see you" routine. But it's a huge undertaking with kids on both sides of the family to consider, school schedules in particular. And yes, the cost. If this is a permanent emigration for your family, and not a move for a few years for a job etc. -- your dad needs to understand (and only you can tell him) that this is the real thing, and permanent.[/quote]

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