Moving overseas. Dad says he won't come visit us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My family is moving overseas to Australia. My father lives in Los Angeles, a 16 hour flight away. My dad says he will never come visit us because the flight is too long, so we must always come and visit him. He says instead he would pay for my family's flight to see him, if necessary. He is 60 years old and retired, well off financially, he has no medical issues, he isn't afraid of flying, he is unmarried/unattached and he has no other commitments on his time whatsoever. Meanwhile, DH and I both work FT and we have a very young child. It will be considerably more difficult, logistically, for us all to arrange to see him. I am willing to do this but I don't know if we can swing it every year or very often, especially when DC is in school. I'm disappointed and a little insulted at his refusal to visit simply because he does not want to sit in an airplane seat for 16 hours. He also isn't coming back east to visit us before we leave because he says the flights are too expensive, more expensive than normal (like $1k vs $500). He offered to fly us out to him, but I explained that we need all the time we have to pack, make arrangements and finish up at work, so we really cannot take a vacation right now. I'm very disappointed and I feel like we don't matter as much to him as I thought. It's like he can't be bothered to go out of his way. I wish he cared more about seeing us, especially his grandchild.

Here's the thing, OP. We all look at our lives from the inside of what we are experiencing.

Your father has had a lifetime of doing things for you. He has (presumedly) been up all night while you're puking, gone to dance recitals when he'd rather be doing something else, done all the things that parents do to help raise their children to be strong and independent adults, and then let you fly. You've made the choice to move far from home (across the coast), and now overseas. Those choices don't come without sacrifices, and as a strong and independent adult, you should know that we can't foist our sacrifices on other people.

You moving overseas is a good choice for you, not your extended family. So own it, and understand that it really does put your extended family out. That being said, you are responsible for your core family unit and if it works for them, then it's your decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why should he have to travel--something he doesn't like to do--because of your choices?

His generous willingness to pay for your family to fly to see him is his way of showing that he cares.

I have a dear friend who is disappointed I won't fly to Amsterdam to see her after she moved there four years ago. Sorry, I've already been to Amsterdam, so my overseas travel--and the expense and time it takes to travel abroad--will be spent elsewhere. I'm happy to meet her in London or something, but no--your choice to move far away. I'll see you here in the States when you visit family.

Wow, with friends like this...

How dear of a friend is she? I would be hurt if I thought I had a close friendship with someone but you wouldn't come visit me after 4 years because you've already been to the city in which I live? You aren't coming for the city...

Maybe you have unlimited time off work and funds, but I don't. I have only had a very few internaitonal trips in my life, and I have a long list of places I'd like to go. I assure you, if I am spending time and tons of money to travel, it IS about the location, too. She chose to move. Why is it on me to visit her? She can hop a train to other places in Europe, and I'll spring for a flight to see her, but I'm not going back to Amsterdam any time soon. People who choose to move to international cities for reasons other than I-absolutely-must-have-to-for-work-and-my-livelihood need to understand that not everyone is going to jump up and down to take long, expensive flights to visit them.

[Anonymous]

Australia is one of those places that I have absolutely zero interest in traveling to...maybe your dad feels the same way. If I'm going to put in 16 hours and thousands of dollars into travel, I'm going to go somewhere I really want to go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some people just don't travel. Sorry OP! I know my inlaws would be like that if we went overseas. They think that places outside the US are dangerous.

Ha, it's other countries' citizens that are afraid to come here. They are afraid of getting caught in random gun violence.

[Anonymous]

Travelling is tiring, even for a younger person, no matter how healthy your dad is. The fact that he wants to pay is huge enough. Why make it a big deal. He told you what he can do, now the ball is on you. You decide if you want to meet halfway or not.What is it worth to you. Whatever it is, don't blame it on him anymore. That's ungrateful.

[Anonymous]

Haha, sounds like my father. He's never visited us in the past 11 years. We've gone back home twice at it was very costly for a family of 4. It's sad but you can't really make a 60 year old man do anything that they don't want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My family is moving overseas to Australia. My father lives in Los Angeles, a 16 hour flight away. My dad says he will never come visit us because the flight is too long, so we must always come and visit him. He says instead he would pay for my family's flight to see him, if necessary. He is 60 years old and retired, well off financially, he has no medical issues, he isn't afraid of flying, he is unmarried/unattached and he has no other commitments on his time whatsoever. Meanwhile, DH and I both work FT and we have a very young child. It will be considerably more difficult, logistically, for us all to arrange to see him. I am willing to do this but I don't know if we can swing it every year or very often, especially when DC is in school. I'm disappointed and a little insulted at his refusal to visit simply because he does not want to sit in an airplane seat for 16 hours. He also isn't coming back east to visit us before we leave because he says the flights are too expensive, more expensive than normal (like $1k vs $500). He offered to fly us out to him, but I explained that we need all the time we have to pack, make arrangements and finish up at work, so we really cannot take a vacation right now. I'm very disappointed and I feel like we don't matter as much to him as I thought. It's like he can't be bothered to go out of his way. I wish he cared more about seeing us, especially his grandchild.

Here's the thing, OP. We all look at our lives from the inside of what we are experiencing.

Your father has had a lifetime of doing things for you. He has (presumedly) been up all night while you're puking, gone to dance recitals when he'd rather be doing something else, done all the things that parents do to help raise their children to be strong and independent adults, and then let you fly. You've made the choice to move far from home (across the coast), and now overseas. Those choices don't come without sacrifices, and as a strong and independent adult, you should know that we can't foist our sacrifices on other people.

You moving overseas is a good choice for you, not your extended family. So own it, and understand that it really does put your extended family out. That being said, you are responsible for your core family unit and if it works for them, then it's your decision.

This is the gist of what I was going to say. You are making choices that impose some inconveniences on your extended family. Own that. If it was SO important to you to spend lots of time with extended family, you wouldn't be moving to Australia. Maybe your family is disappointed and a little offended that you keep moving further away from them.

Your dad does not want to take that long flight. He is willing to pay for you to fly to visit him. Don't start from a position of thinking that because he has lots of money and time he should be the one to visit you. Start from a position of thinking that he doesn't like such long flights but recognizes that flights are expensive and is willing to pay for you to fly instead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why should he have to travel--something he doesn't like to do--because of your choices?

His generous willingness to pay for your family to fly to see him is his way of showing that he cares.

I have a dear friend who is disappointed I won't fly to Amsterdam to see her after she moved there four years ago. Sorry, I've already been to Amsterdam, so my overseas travel--and the expense and time it takes to travel abroad--will be spent elsewhere. I'm happy to meet her in London or something, but no--your choice to move far away. I'll see you here in the States when you visit family.

This is what my inlaws think. Since we moved away (for our jobs), we should always be the one who comes home and she never needs to visit us.

+1

OP you are choosing to move away so the burden falls on you. His offer to fly you home is very generous. Be grateful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some people just don't travel. Sorry OP! I know my inlaws would be like that if we went overseas. They think that places outside the US are dangerous.

Ha, it's other countries' citizens that are afraid to come here. They are afraid of getting caught in random gun violence.

A bunch of Europeans told me on my last trip that they hate to come to the US because of the way we treat our smokers. And how offended they were about the smoking restrictions. I wanted to laugh!

[Anonymous]

Be patient. You haven't even moved yet! He might change his mind once he realized what the logistics entail for you, and how much he misses you. People's tolerance for travel varies wildly. Some are homebodies, others can't wait to jump on a plane!

I've been living an 8 hour plane ride away from my parents for 15 years now. We see each other once a year on average. However, I live a 14 hour plane ride away from other family members, and we see them once every 5 years at the most (!): they cannot afford to come to visit us, and we can't afford to go and visit them more often than that, both in terms of money and vacation time. It's actually not the distance that's a problem, it's the fact that all my family lives in really expensive European and Asian capital cities - the plane tickets and hotels cost a fortune, even out of season, and all the tourist attractions are mobbed and the prices add up.

When you're part of the international set, these are the sacrifices you make. The advantage is the cultural enrichment and open-mindedness you get when you live abroad.

[Anonymous]

I lived in Asia for a few years and my dad, though he loves me and loved seeing my photos of places, just couldn't handle that kind of travel and flight. He's young and not infirm but he just doesn't have the desire to "suck it up" and be on a plane for a full day. Not sure why but it was OK, I realize not everyone views things as 'no big deal' the way I do. I did get to see him at 2 visits.

[Anonymous]

International travel is a pain in the ass. Why would you expect someone to put themselves out like that for you? I would like my parents on the west coast to visit more often, but I can't ask them to take a 5 hour flight if they don't want to. We can't afford to travel there with the kids, though, so it's understood that if they want to see the grandkids, they'll have to fly out once in a while. In between, Skype works just fine.

[Anonymous]

OP, there will be advantages to your move--interesting/fun/exciting dynamic of living abroad, being a travel destination for SOME friends and family, exposing your kids to a new culture, etc.

But everything in life is a trade-off. Being far away from family--and having them not be ecstatic to fly 16 hours and pay lots of money to do so--is one of those trade-offs. You can't have it all. Live your choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Go visit your dad. His offer is generous. Some people can't handle sitting in one cramped spot for 16 hours - it aggravates whatever pain they have.

Agree. Maybe he's worried about DVT? It's amazing that he's offering to pay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why should he have to travel--something he doesn't like to do--because of your choices?

His generous willingness to pay for your family to fly to see him is his way of showing that he cares.

I have a dear friend who is disappointed I won't fly to Amsterdam to see her after she moved there four years ago. Sorry, I've already been to Amsterdam, so my overseas travel--and the expense and time it takes to travel abroad--will be spent elsewhere. I'm happy to meet her in London or something, but no--your choice to move far away. I'll see you here in the States when you visit family.

This is what my inlaws think. Since we moved away (for our jobs), we should always be the one who comes home and she never needs to visit us.

+1

OP you are choosing to move away so the burden falls on you. His offer to fly you home is very generous. Be grateful.

PP that you quoted- I was being sarcastic. In no way is it okay that my inlaws don't visit us and think we should visit them only. We're only 2 hours away though, not the long plane ride to Australia.