My former girlfriend wanted to hurt me so she trash talked me to my fiance

[Anonymous]

Here's the solution:

1. You need to persuade your fiance that everyone respects him and thinks of him as the cool guy, because obviously they assume that he knows your past history, and is so self-confident that he can hang out with his fiance's ex-lover, no problem! Nothing came as a surprise to him. He knows it all.
Plus nobody knows what you're doing with your fiance, so everybody assumes you're getting up to high jinks with him as well.
So... from a face-saving perspective, everything is MORE than fine.

2. In private, please apologize to him. The rule is that you disclose past sexual relationships, particularly if ex-lovers are still part of your social circle. You were not obligated to describe what you did with them though, and it was just bad luck that this unbalanced individual came along and spilled the beans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, pay attention to this, it's important. You want to be with a guy who accepts you for who you are, warts and all. Not the guy who only likes the "perfect" side of you. Talk to your fiance, sincerely, and then give him time and space to process things. IF he comes back, listen to what he has to say, you may discover from the way he handles this issue that he's not the guy for you afterall but please, for the love of God, pay attention. Life is long, marriage is even longer, choose wisely.

do you think she got warts from being a slut?

[Anonymous]

I just have to say that this exact same post pops up a few times a year, with details changed. Always a woman in deep water with a boyfriend who somehow "discovers" that she was more sexually adventurous with a prior partner, but waited a long time to sleep with her current BF and is less adventurous, BF is upset and threatens to break up, blah blah blah. So I don't believe this thread is real. It's designed to create the same debate that always ensues.

What guy would ask, before proposing to his GF, if there is anything in her past that would embarrass him? Regardless, I would have believed the OP was for real if I hadn't seen this exact post again and again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just have to say that this exact same post pops up a few times a year, with details changed. Always a woman in deep water with a boyfriend who somehow "discovers" that she was more sexually adventurous with a prior partner, but waited a long time to sleep with her current BF and is less adventurous, BF is upset and threatens to break up, blah blah blah. So I don't believe this thread is real. It's designed to create the same debate that always ensues.

What guy would ask, before proposing to his GF, if there is anything in her past that would embarrass him? Regardless, I would have believed the OP was for real if I hadn't seen this exact post again and again.

Yeah, it's the same old troll back again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, pay attention to this, it's important. You want to be with a guy who accepts you for who you are, warts and all. Not the guy who only likes the "perfect" side of you. Talk to your fiance, sincerely, and then give him time and space to process things. IF he comes back, listen to what he has to say, you may discover from the way he handles this issue that he's not the guy for you afterall but please, for the love of God, pay attention. Life is long, marriage is even longer, choose wisely.

do you think she got warts from being a slut?

Have you never heard this expression before?

It just means "imperfections." Not STDs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just have to say that this exact same post pops up a few times a year, with details changed. Always a woman in deep water with a boyfriend who somehow "discovers" that she was more sexually adventurous with a prior partner, but waited a long time to sleep with her current BF and is less adventurous, BF is upset and threatens to break up, blah blah blah. So I don't believe this thread is real. It's designed to create the same debate that always ensues.

What guy would ask, before proposing to his GF, if there is anything in her past that would embarrass him? Regardless, I would have believed the OP was for real if I hadn't seen this exact post again and again.

Unfortunately, I think all these posts are real. It's society that's sad, when women have less license to be adventurous than men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just have to say that this exact same post pops up a few times a year, with details changed. Always a woman in deep water with a boyfriend who somehow "discovers" that she was more sexually adventurous with a prior partner, but waited a long time to sleep with her current BF and is less adventurous, BF is upset and threatens to break up, blah blah blah. So I don't believe this thread is real. It's designed to create the same debate that always ensues.

What guy would ask, before proposing to his GF, if there is anything in her past that would embarrass him? Regardless, I would have believed the OP was for real if I hadn't seen this exact post again and again.

Unfortunately, I think all these posts are real. It's society that's sad, when women have less license to be adventurous than men.

[Anonymous]

Gosh, I don't like anyone in this story! The OP who lied to her fiance, the fiance who thinks he is owed the same sexual experience she had with someone else, and the blabbing ex-friend.

[Anonymous]

You did nothing wrong -- not one thing. Even though he asked you if anything embarrassing would hurt him in the future, you answered honestly -- NO. There is no way to know what an individual will find "embarrassing", so you were not out of line. Your past should remain in the past. In most relationships, it is not helpful to know all about a partner's past sexual experiences.

Give your fiancé some space to digest all the news. If he can't get over it -- then you have probably dodged a bullet. There is probably some jealousy and some embarrassment on his part. I would think that if he really loves you, he will find a way to reconcile his feelings.

Nothing much you can do right now. Just give him space but let him know you are waiting for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Gosh, I don't like anyone in this story! The OP who lied to her fiance, the fiance who thinks he is owed the same sexual experience she had with someone else, and the blabbing ex-friend.

Agreed! No one is a victim. Just a huge mess. No real advice other than next time OP, don't introduce your ex boyfriend as your buddy, think about it if they shoe were on the other foot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A few observations:

1) The ex-friend has a major drinking/rage problem. She sounds like she could be dangerous if she escalates. Women do that too.
2)Lying is never a good policy because the truth will always come out.
3)The questions are:
-- why didn't you tell him earlier? Are you ashamed? embarrassed? not completely trusting of fiance's reaction?
-- why didn't you want to do those things with him? Did you secretly not want to do them with the other guy? Do you think that you don't want to do them with fiance but might meet someone else like that later in life? What dynamic screened fiance out but let ex-BF do those things?

Note that I'm not trying to judge you, but these are questions to ask yourself before you have a big confrontation with your fiance that may be potentially painful to you both.

She has more than a drinking problem! She's nasty and wants to ruin it for me and my man.

For sure if I told my fiance about the threesomes I don't think he would have reacted well at all. I know he was looking for a certain woman and I did my best to be that woman.

With the ex it really was just physical. It's not so much that I was embarrassed to be in them it's sort of that after a while I felt like I was being used physically and that was it. Maybe the first one was awkward but the times after I thought I was having fun until it came to me that I was sort of being used and I didn't want to do it any more. Does that make sense?

Alos about being shy in bed. Again I didn't want my fiance to get the idea that I've done that stuff before him especially since he hasn't done any of that.

This here is the source of the problem. You edited your sexual history when asked, and you shied away from the "experimentation" with your boyfriend when you had the chance. Had you gone with it instead of leaving him with the impression that you don't do that sort of thing, he wouldn't have been surprised like this. With the "real deal," honey, you can't pretend to be something you're not. In wanting to be "a certain woman" you opened the door to criticism that you could have erased had you demonstrated to BF your willingness and the normalcy of those acts. He'd have seen it as a delightful and routine menu item on your sexual list.

It ain't the crime, it's the cover up.

[Anonymous]

Is the next series in the "the girlfriend is a whore and the boyfriend is a victim" threads?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You did nothing wrong -- not one thing. Even though he asked you if anything embarrassing would hurt him in the future, you answered honestly -- NO. There is no way to know what an individual will find "embarrassing", so you were not out of line. Your past should remain in the past. In most relationships, it is not helpful to know all about a partner's past sexual experiences.

Give your fiancé some space to digest all the news. If he can't get over it -- then you have probably dodged a bullet. There is probably some jealousy and some embarrassment on his part. I would think that if he really loves you, he will find a way to reconcile his feelings.

Nothing much you can do right now. Just give him space but let him know you are waiting for him.

Not one thing? What about describing ex as just a "friend" and having him hang around with current guy?

Wrong as a lie, and wrong b/c it does humiliate current guy, and wrong b/c it involves maintaining an ongoing secret with ex while deceiving current guy.

If I were current guy, this issue alone would be immediate deal-breaker.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi everybody, I am really in a bind here and not sure what to do.

I think you should break up. You betrayed him by lying about your past, and he caught you in that lie. Moreover, he is right to be embarrassed that he didn't know that you had lied about your ex-boyfriend and the nature of your "friendship."

Look, your current relationship is based on a huge lie about who you are as a person. You lied about your sexual past in order to mold yourself into something you thought would be more palatable to him. How is this a healthy relationship at all? You have never been your true self in it.

+1. Your lies were tremendous. Your only hope to save this relationship is to show him through your actions that you are willing to be completely open and honest with him and show that you will continue to do that. You have to apologize that you were wrong to hide things from him and give him a chance to ask any questions he wants about your past relationships. You have to answer all details. Yes, he may indeed judge you. That will just show that you two may not be right for each other. He has a right to his sexuality and view of morality just as much as you do. When you lie or try to portray yourself differently from what appears on the surface, you are manipulating him into making a choice YOU want. That is the most corrosive disrespectful thing in a relationship. You have to show him you are willing to tell the truth even when it is painful to you.

Honestly, if your boyfriend were my son, I would tell him that this incident is a REALLY bad way to begin a life together and that he should consider breaking up or, at the least, moving out. You two need a MUCH longer time spent in a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship honestly expressing your views on a host of issues, without the pressures of living together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did she lie? I think it's normal to not get into every gory detail about your prior sex life.

"I remember him asking me if there was anything in my past that could be an embarrassment to our future."

It sounds like you're marrying a guy from a pretty snooty background. This isn't a question that regular guys ask.

I am a guy, and I don't think this really needs to be a big deal, but if you want to marry into some high-society family, where keeping up appearances means everything, get used to being judged and critiqued.

A lie of omission is a lie. And yes, if you introduce your ex-boyfriend, with whom you had threesomes, to your current boyfriend as your "good friend" - that does count as a lie. That's not a gory detail.

And asking if there were anything potentially embarrassing, and having her not tell him about the ex and the threesomes, thus allowing some drunk ex-friend of hers to blurt it out in public? That would embarrass anyone, not just people from snooty backgrounds. Forewarned is forearmed. He gave her the chance to be open and honest. Had she been, the drunken episode in the bar wouldn't have embarrassed either of them.

And if you think that having some loud drunkard talking about your sexual past in public isn't embarrassing to almost everyone? You must have a very thick skin indeed.

It's only a lie if you think that there is some shameful about a threesome. Not everyone is that uptight.

On the other hand, she should have mentioned that her "good friend" was a boyfriend at some point. That would have made the threesome revelation less problematic.

Unless her good friend is already acquainted with her fiance, I don't think it will be that big of a deal. The worst case would be if they were coworkers or friends. Guys usually don't like it when their girls have slept with people that they know.