My former girlfriend wanted to hurt me so she trash talked me to my fiance
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Anonymous
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Hi everybody, I am really in a bind here and not sure what to do.
Almost a year and a half ago I met my now fiance. When we met we clicked instantly and became an item right away. He is charming, intelligent, attractive, educated and an all around great guy. About four months ago, we moved in together and it's been great - we have similar interests and just really enjoy the time we spend together. I knew he was serious about me when he started talking about the future as "our future together." I can honestly say that I want to spend the rest of my life with him. A couple of months into our relationship, we had a talk about our past boyfriends / girlfriends. He's 31 (I'm 28) and has had a few girlfriends; some serious, some not so serious but never just casual. I had absolutely no problem with any of that. I realized, however, that his "number" was lower than mine and that he has never tried any crazy stuff. Sooo... I didn't go into full details about my own past. In particular, I did not mention anything about my boyfriend before him. That boyfriend and I did not last long but right from the beginning, it was "anything goes." When we broke up romantically we remained friends and I've since introduced him to my fiancé as my "good friend." My fiancé was accepting of what information I did divulge. I remember him asking me if there was anything in my past that could be an embarrassment to our future. I answered "no." Life together continued great and we got engaged in June!! When we first started dating, it was different with my fiancé because it took a while for us to become lovers. When we did, I discovered that he is great between the sheets! Even so, I have been a bit hesitant to let loose completely in the bedroom. He has suggested on numerous occasions that since he has found in me his true love, he would like for us to be more adventurous in bed. He wants to try stuff he has never tried with another woman. I have so far resisted even though what my fiancé wants is not really new to me - I had those experiences with my ex. Fast forward to last week. We were at a pub with a bunchy of our friends. Everyone had plenty to drink and loud conversations were everywhere. At some point I noticed that this total b*tch who used to be my friend (or so I thought!!) was also in the pub. She saw me and came over. She used to be my friend but we had a really terrible falling out and haven't spoken since. Anyway, she was beyond drunk and started blabbering away. I tried to ignore her so she'd leave but she did not take the hint so I politely asked her to leave. She got angry and started mouthing off. At some point she looked at my fiance and asked him if he knew that I had threesomes with my ex (she had the nerve to mention him by name!!!) and some other guy!! My fiance told her to get lost and stood up and she backed off and slithered away. Pretty soon after that my fiancé just looked at me and said let's go. In the car and at home there was no conversation. The next day he asked me if what the b*tch said was true. I stammered and didn't really say anything coherent. In fact, it was true. With my ex I had a (small!) number of threesomes (and I had confided all that to the b*tch way back when) . My guy took my non answer as a yes and I finally did admit it. He says that I have deceived him and humiliated him. He feels terrible and he says it's worse since he figures all our friends now know as well. He has said that he is now reconsidering things between us. Even though I told him all that was in the past and that I love him with all my heart, he still feels like he's been duped. He's also extremely angry that I hadn't wanted to experiment with him while I had "no problem" experimenting with the other guy. When I asked him what I could do, he said he wants to "revisit" our past relationships talk and how many guys I've been intimate with. He also wants to know more about my ex and who the second guy in the threesomes was. What do I do? He really is the real deal. I have dated enough losers and jerks in the past to recognize this. I don't want to lose him. He is the only man I have ever wanted to marry. I'm incredibly sorry that he was humiliated. I don't know what to do. Any advice would be so appreciated. |
Anonymous
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Why didn't you want to experiment with your current guy? That seems like a big red flag of something. Of course he's going to feel awful that you've been there and done that with someone else. Not because you've got experience. But because you won't try with him. He's going to think something is wrong with him. I think you really need to figure out why you wouldn't do that.....and then be able to articulate it to him.
Otherwise, I personally think sexual history is private and I would not get into a play-by-play about past experiences just to calm his ego. |
Anonymous
That's such a dumb thing to say. So what if she's done it before - it doesn't mean she likes it and that she wants to do it again. |
Anonymous
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your former friend trash talked you, but you did lie to the boyfriend. Ask yourself why. Not good footing to start a marriage on. And why are you hesitant to experiment with him?
at any rate, the best you can do is apologize; tell him you were worried he would judge you if he knew about your past (which I assume is why you lied); the harder question he's got is why are you more inhibited with him than the ex--you should probably figure that out and have an answer for him. The only way you can salvage this now is honesty. This does not mean you should be ashamed of your past--rather, its the dissimulation. In the future, if you're not comfortable discussing certain things, its okay to say so. Lying not so good. |
Anonymous
It's not dumb at all. She needs to know why she feels differently and needs to articulate it. So far she can't. So I'm asking why not, to get her to think about why not. |
Anonymous
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It's probably not so much knowing what he knows but the way he found out.
I would apologize to him that you weren't more forthcoming with the details of the past relationship. Let him know your honest feeling of repeating or not repeating some of those scenarios. If your former friend was this caustic while drunk, chances are she's probably blabbed this information b/f. Don't worry about that, let it go. You and your fiancé can move past this. It's really not that big of a deal. |
Anonymous
I think your fiance is immature. And so are you. If you were embarassed about the threesome and he asked you if you had done anything you were embarassed about, you should have said so (who hasn't done anything they regret?!) but then just not have given him any details. Instead, you lied, which is worse. So come clean if you want, or tell him your past is none of his business. If you're a good person and he's the real deal, then he'll stick around. |
Anonymous
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OP, you're blaming other people for a situation that you created. I can see why your fiance is upset. The reality is that you've lied to him several times.
I don't care what you did with the ex and don't think it's anyone else's business. But, when your BF asked, you should have either said that you don't want to discuss the past in detail or told the truth. But it sounds like rather than telling him that you wanted to keep your private life private, you told him a watered-down version and led him to believe you were telling the whole truth. So, he feels deceived and rightfully so. Second, it sounds like you didn't tell your fiance that your "good friend" was an ex? That was wrong. Again, I don't think anyone should have to provide a detailed sexual history, but if you're still friendly with the ex it was messed up to conceal from your fiance that you used to go out. Anyone would be pissed by that. Third, playing demure in the bedroom is another type of lie. If you don't enjoy whatever he was suggesting, you should have told him so. But if you pretended to have never tried it and acted like you were too shy . . . Just like with the other things, you were pretending to be someone you're not. Lies by omission are still lies. Honestly, he's now caught you in so.many lies I suspect he's wondering if he knows you at all. My advice is to sit down and show him that you understand why he's upset. Tell him you lied, explain why, and acknowledge what he must be feeling. Ask him for the chance to be completely honest with him, and then do it. That doesn't mean you owe him a play-by-play.of your past sex life or that you owe it to him to engage in any experimentation he wants if you're not interested. But be honest about it - "the details of my intimate relationship with Steve are private, and I'd like you to respect that." Also, don't blame your old friend. She had no way of knowing how much you'd deceived your fiance. Sure, she sounds obnoxious, but if you hadn't lied so.much nothing she said could have caused you these problems. |
Anonymous
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A few observations:
1) The ex-friend has a major drinking/rage problem. She sounds like she could be dangerous if she escalates. Women do that too. 2)Lying is never a good policy because the truth will always come out. 3)The questions are: -- why didn't you tell him earlier? Are you ashamed? embarrassed? not completely trusting of fiance's reaction? -- why didn't you want to do those things with him? Did you secretly not want to do them with the other guy? Do you think that you don't want to do them with fiance but might meet someone else like that later in life? What dynamic screened fiance out but let ex-BF do those things? Note that I'm not trying to judge you, but these are questions to ask yourself before you have a big confrontation with your fiance that may be potentially painful to you both. |
Anonymous
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My fiance absolutely IS 100% the real deal. It's just I guess that we have pasts that are different. I know it's a touchy topic so I didn't go all out there when we talked. I guess I wanted him to see me having a past sort of like his if that makes sense.
He's super pissed that we've hung out with the guy I did what I did and that i told him he was just a friend when he wasn't. He feels like that guy is laughing at him and that everybody now knows. How do I calm all this down?! He's such a great man I feel awful about all this |
Anonymous
She has more than a drinking problem! She's nasty and wants to ruin it for me and my man. For sure if I told my fiance about the threesomes I don't think he would have reacted well at all. I know he was looking for a certain woman and I did my best to be that woman. With the ex it really was just physical. It's not so much that I was embarrassed to be in them it's sort of that after a while I felt like I was being used physically and that was it. Maybe the first one was awkward but the times after I thought I was having fun until it came to me that I was sort of being used and I didn't want to do it any more. Does that make sense? Alos about being shy in bed. Again I didn't want my fiance to get the idea that I've done that stuff before him especially since he hasn't done any of that. |
Anonymous
Dude, you are really immature. So you lied and presented yourself as someone you aren't. Your fiance is right to be upset. He fell in love with a woman that doesn't exist. You guys have issues. |
Anonymous
| Who has even an 'ex-friend' who would say such a catty, trashy thing? The Jerry Springer faction is back on the forum I see. |
Anonymous
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Sounds like you know your fiancé is judgmental and you kept this from him because you know how he'd react.
That means you know he's not "the real deal." He's a guy who can't deal with the fact that other people are sexually adventurous. Other posters are right that you're dealing with the consequences of lying. But seriously - what kind of a bizarre question is "have you done anything you're embarrassed about?" It's the question someone asks if he thinks he has a right to pass judgment on a partner's sexual history. You know he was that kind of guy so you lied. Well guess what? If he "forgives" you (for living your life before you met him) he's going to be a sucky person to live with. At least for you. Wise up, slow down, and consider finding a grown man who isn't insecure. While you're at it, stop trying to reinvent yourself as the kind of girl a guy like that will fall for (sexually conservative). Marry a guy who likes the person you are. |
Anonymous
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most woman on dcum know exactly how this works. have sex with the hot man, marry the safe one.
No man wants to be the safe one. He deserves someone that really wants him. |