Bar Mitzvah for 10K?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you don't raise your child Jewish b/c of a bar mitzvah? Ridiculous. Have a small luncheon of something simple at the temple afterward - a nice oneg.

More accurately, PP is not raising their child Jewish because of the bar mitzvah PARTY. Which is not actually a religious requirement.

I'm the original Pp who said this is why I'm not raising my children jewish--it was in response to the person who said you couldn't possibly throw a decent party for under 10k. It's that snooty attitude that I'm trying to stay away from. Not that all Jews act or talk like that, but the whole ridiculious bar mitzvah/bat mitzvah scene is absolutely about being showy and ostentatious. Sure you could have a low key affair with just cake and no DJ party after the service, but at what social cost to your child who is invited to these fancy shin digs and can't live up to the others or reciprocate?

My family were poor immigrants in the 70s and tried to join a synagogue and were turned away because they could not afford it. Our family is not the only ones who had experienced this, we have heard similar stories, so forgive me if it leaves a bad taste in my mouth towards this religion (and most religions, actually). I know now they have "scholarships" for families who can't afford them, but why all the money anyway? Why is belonging to a synagogue about fees/money and tickets?

I am sorry you had such a negative experience. That truly came at a cost. You now think that Jews are focused on money and parties when this simply is not the case for a lot of Jews. If you had gone to a nice synagogue and received a proper Jewish education, your point of view would be entirely different. It is a shame that you let this one experience take you away from a warm, generous and vibrant community.

[Anonymous]

I feel the same way as the pp. I would love to be part of the community, but being shaken down for dues, tuition, and then having to humiliate my kids by throwing a shabby bar mitzvah. No thanks. I think American Jews need to rethink their approach to all this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nope. Sorry. A shitty, cheap one for 10k is doable. But not a good, fun one. I'm sorry.

Ugh. This is exactly why I'm not raising my Jewish children in a synagogue. This "necessary party" for a right of passage is such a show off for the parents. Makes me sick.

+100. I agree completely. It really seems as if one tries to out do another losing so much of the true meaning of the event. Absolutely shameful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you don't raise your child Jewish b/c of a bar mitzvah? Ridiculous. Have a small luncheon of something simple at the temple afterward - a nice oneg.

More accurately, PP is not raising their child Jewish because of the bar mitzvah PARTY. Which is not actually a religious requirement.

I'm the original Pp who said this is why I'm not raising my children jewish--it was in response to the person who said you couldn't possibly throw a decent party for under 10k. It's that snooty attitude that I'm trying to stay away from. Not that all Jews act or talk like that, but the whole ridiculious bar mitzvah/bat mitzvah scene is absolutely about being showy and ostentatious. Sure you could have a low key affair with just cake and no DJ party after the service, but at what social cost to your child who is invited to these fancy shin digs and can't live up to the others or reciprocate?

My family were poor immigrants in the 70s and tried to join a synagogue and were turned away because they could not afford it. Our family is not the only ones who had experienced this, we have heard similar stories, so forgive me if it leaves a bad taste in my mouth towards this religion (and most religions, actually). I know now they have "scholarships" for families who can't afford them, but why all the money anyway? Why is belonging to a synagogue about fees/money and tickets?

I am sorry you had such a negative experience. That truly came at a cost. You now think that Jews are focused on money and parties when this simply is not the case for a lot of Jews. If you had gone to a nice synagogue and received a proper Jewish education, your point of view would be entirely different. It is a shame that you let this one experience take you away from a warm, generous and vibrant community.

But don't you see? That community rejected my family? They tried to give their children a religious education but were turned away.

I have many wonderful Jewish friends, and of course many relatives who are practicing, and I love and respect them all as individuals. But the religion as a whole? Not for me and never will be. Maybe if they were so welcoming they would frown upon the aggrandizement of these bar mitzvahs.

[Anonymous]

I'm 21:22 and I want to add that the craziness and spending of Christmas also turns me sour. We need to be like that Grinch book and have the holidays and celebrations without the bells and whistles, maybe as a society we would be nicer and kinder to each other.

[Anonymous]

Ok my kids Have been going to quite a few bar mitzvah sin the last 2 years. Most have been pizza and a DJ, no orients and kids of fun. For our kids the plan is to rent a club room at our community center and do pizza and DJ. There is going to be a separate gathering for adults at our house. We can afford 10-15k but we do not see a reason for it. Neither me nor my husband had anything extravagant. Where do you all find these fancy parties?

[Anonymous]

Orients= parents ugh stupid phone!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely you can have a great, fun party for $10,000. You will have to have a buffet. Order from Koshermart, now Moti's, hire some wait staff to help serve and clear. Make your own centerpieces, they don't need to be fancy, hire a DJ from Davis DJs. Buy party favors from Oriental Trading. Buy huge candy bars for prizes. Maybe hire a characterture artist or t-shirt painter. Use paper products and plastic table cloths. The kids will have a blast. If the parents care, F--k em. They are not true friends.

All that is more than $10k if you take into account the cost of the venue and the DJ.

[Anonymous]

NP here. I married a (not really practicing) Jew. One thing that I've always found amazing is that NO ONE on either side of DH's family is poor or even lower middle class. How does this happen?

We are not raising our children in a religion but I am positive my niece and nephew will have bat/bar mitzvahs that cost more than my (fairly nice) wedding. I still think it's totally ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel the same way as the pp. I would love to be part of the community, but being shaken down for dues, tuition, and then having to humiliate my kids by throwing a shabby bar mitzvah. No thanks. I think American Jews need to rethink their approach to all this.

Agreed.
These extravagant parties are ridiculous in their opulence and make a mockery of the religious aspect of a Bar/Bat Mitzvah.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. I married a (not really practicing) Jew. One thing that I've always found amazing is that NO ONE on either side of DH's family is poor or even lower middle class. How does this happen?

We are not raising our children in a religion but I am positive my niece and nephew will have bat/bar mitzvahs that cost more than my (fairly nice) wedding. I still think it's totally ridiculous.

It happens because Jews value education and hard work. I on the other hand married a Jew whose family is extremely poor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel the same way as the pp. I would love to be part of the community, but being shaken down for dues, tuition, and then having to humiliate my kids by throwing a shabby bar mitzvah. No thanks. I think American Jews need to rethink their approach to all this.

Agreed.
These extravagant parties are ridiculous in their opulence and make a mockery of the religious aspect of a Bar/Bat Mitzvah.

I am in my late 30s and have never been to an extravagant bar mitzvah. All have been very low key. Can you please post what shut you belong to where people feel they need to throw extravagant parties?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok my kids Have been going to quite a few bar mitzvah sin the last 2 years. Most have been pizza and a DJ, no orients and kids of fun. For our kids the plan is to rent a club room at our community center and do pizza and DJ. There is going to be a separate gathering for adults at our house. We can afford 10-15k but we do not see a reason for it. Neither me nor my husband had anything extravagant. Where do you all find these fancy parties?

What synagogue is this? I grew up in NoVa and went to bnai shalom (so not a super wealthy NWDC crowd) and 20 years ago the hotel dinner or luncheon was pretty standard among my friends. It wasn't over the top but as a parent now I would prefer to find somewhere where a more low-key pizza party is the norm.

[Anonymous]

I think there's a lot more variety now, we are at a large and affluent synagogue in northern VA and we were a few years away but I'm not planning on the big, traditional party. There are so many interfaith families now and people are creative. I'm planning on a family trip to Israel. If the grandparents aren't up to coming to Israel we will do the ceremony here with a simple kiddish lunch afterwards. If my son really wants a kids party I might do something like Pinstripes in Georgetown (upscale bowling, bocce) for 20-30 kids for less than $1000 or so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely you can have a great, fun party for $10,000. You will have to have a buffet. Order from Koshermart, now Moti's, hire some wait staff to help serve and clear. Make your own centerpieces, they don't need to be fancy, hire a DJ from Davis DJs. Buy party favors from Oriental Trading. Buy huge candy bars for prizes. Maybe hire a characterture artist or t-shirt painter. Use paper products and plastic table cloths. The kids will have a blast. If the parents care, F--k em. They are not true friends.

I second this. The flashiest Bar/Bat Mitzvah after parties I've been to were honestly the least enjoyable ones. It's such a letdown after a beautiful and meaningful service to have to endure three or so hours of loud hyper gluttony packed full of endless opportunities to applaud the feted prince or princess and hear about how they "deserve" this after all their hard work learning their portion etc. Everyone seems to have a better time at the ones where the kids can just have fun and the adults can enjoy a conversation without reading lips/screaming over music.