Bar Mitzvah for 10K?

[Anonymous]

It's not like this at my synagogue at all. And I've never in my life been to a fancy mitzvah party.

We are planning to have a kiddush lunch. That is expected but the synagogue will help if you can't afford it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not like this at my synagogue at all. And I've never in my life been to a fancy mitzvah party.

We are planning to have a kiddush lunch. That is expected but the synagogue will help if you can't afford it.

It's really a relief to me to hear this. I'm the PP who's only ever been to over the top fancy ones. It's a long way off for dd but we know that we don't want something like the rest of the family have been doing. Not that it would have bothered me to do something different than them, but I also didn't want her to be the odd one out with her group of peers here when they start having them.

[Anonymous]

If you want down to earth, then pick a down to earth synagogue.

[Anonymous]

If this was a "help me plan a sweet 16 for 150 people for under $10k" thread, OP would have gotten all kinds of good advice. Instead she got a freak show of self hating Jews weighing in on the merits of a religious right of passage they clearly do not understand. Judaism does not require an expensive party, synagogues do not turn people away if they cannot pay dues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If this was a "help me plan a sweet 16 for 150 people for under $10k" thread, OP would have gotten all kinds of good advice. Instead she got a freak show of self hating Jews weighing in on the merits of a religious right of passage they clearly do not understand. Judaism does not require an expensive party, synagogues do not turn people away if they cannot pay dues.

(A) this is DCUM. People would criticize the sweet 16 too (do sweet 16 parties exist anymore?).

(B) you might hate people who decided to turn our backs on organized religion but we do not hate ourselves. I'm not a self-hating Jew; I'm a Jewish person who dislikes and rejects that aspect of practice.

(C) you have to make up your mind between self-hating and don't understand. They're incompatible. I actually do understand. I was raised in an orthodox family, attended Jewish day school until 5th grade, then proceeded with Hebrew school and a bat mitzvah. And I've lived in Israel. I know exactly what this rite of passage is, and all of the congregational bullshit about whom you have to invite and feed has nothing to do with it. It's a bizarre American invention.

[Anonymous]

PP: I don't think you were really raised in an orthodox family if you had a bas mitzvah-orthodox girls don't have them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP: I don't think you were really raised in an orthodox family if you had a bas mitzvah-orthodox girls don't have them.

Not the pp, but orthodox girls do have bat mitzvahs. They don't read from the Torah like Conservative and Reform Jews, but they do have them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you don't raise your child Jewish b/c of a bar mitzvah? Ridiculous. Have a small luncheon of something simple at the temple afterward - a nice oneg.

More accurately, PP is not raising their child Jewish because of the bar mitzvah PARTY. Which is not actually a religious requirement.

I'm the original Pp who said this is why I'm not raising my children jewish--it was in response to the person who said you couldn't possibly throw a decent party for under 10k. It's that snooty attitude that I'm trying to stay away from. Not that all Jews act or talk like that, but the whole ridiculious bar mitzvah/bat mitzvah scene is absolutely about being showy and ostentatious. Sure you could have a low key affair with just cake and no DJ party after the service, but at what social cost to your child who is invited to these fancy shin digs and can't live up to the others or reciprocate?

My family were poor immigrants in the 70s and tried to join a synagogue and were turned away because they could not afford it. Our family is not the only ones who had experienced this, we have heard similar stories, so forgive me if it leaves a bad taste in my mouth towards this religion (and most religions, actually). I know now they have "scholarships" for families who can't afford them, but why all the money anyway? Why is belonging to a synagogue about fees/money and tickets?

I am sorry you had such a negative experience. That truly came at a cost. You now think that Jews are focused on money and parties when this simply is not the case for a lot of Jews. If you had gone to a nice synagogue and received a proper Jewish education, your point of view would be entirely different. It is a shame that you let this one experience take you away from a warm, generous and vibrant community.

How can a community be considered warm and loving if you have to pay to be a part of it? Do you seriously need to pay to join a synagogue?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you don't raise your child Jewish b/c of a bar mitzvah? Ridiculous. Have a small luncheon of something simple at the temple afterward - a nice oneg.

More accurately, PP is not raising their child Jewish because of the bar mitzvah PARTY. Which is not actually a religious requirement.

I'm the original Pp who said this is why I'm not raising my children jewish--it was in response to the person who said you couldn't possibly throw a decent party for under 10k. It's that snooty attitude that I'm trying to stay away from. Not that all Jews act or talk like that, but the whole ridiculious bar mitzvah/bat mitzvah scene is absolutely about being showy and ostentatious. Sure you could have a low key affair with just cake and no DJ party after the service, but at what social cost to your child who is invited to these fancy shin digs and can't live up to the others or reciprocate?

My family were poor immigrants in the 70s and tried to join a synagogue and were turned away because they could not afford it. Our family is not the only ones who had experienced this, we have heard similar stories, so forgive me if it leaves a bad taste in my mouth towards this religion (and most religions, actually). I know now they have "scholarships" for families who can't afford them, but why all the money anyway? Why is belonging to a synagogue about fees/money and tickets?

I am sorry you had such a negative experience. That truly came at a cost. You now think that Jews are focused on money and parties when this simply is not the case for a lot of Jews. If you had gone to a nice synagogue and received a proper Jewish education, your point of view would be entirely different. It is a shame that you let this one experience take you away from a warm, generous and vibrant community.

How can a community be considered warm and loving if you have to pay to be a part of it? Do you seriously need to pay to join a synagogue?

Oh not this again! How else can a community pay a rabbi and maintain a building? Jews cant pass the hat at services because they can't handle money on Shabbat. So they charge dues. But every synagogue I've belonged to would work with families who couldn't afford it. And you don't have to be a member to attend services.

[Anonymous]

Op, my nieces - in Short Hills, NJ - had their bat mitzvahs in the conservative synagogue and the party at the local JCC. Some kid was a DJ and the kids ate pasta and pizza and homemade desserts (not sure about kashrut. If it was just dairy). That can't have cost $10,000.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

How can a community be considered warm and loving if you have to pay to be a part of it? Do you seriously need to pay to join a synagogue?

Ask the Mormons. If you don't tithe (give 10% of your income to the church), you can't get a temple recommend.

(Also, what the PP said.)

[Anonymous]

We had a party for about 100 people --kunch, not dinner-- and paid $15,000 (I think this may have included what we had to pay for the kiddish lunch at the synagogue, which was separate). We ended up with something bigger than we had originally planned because we invited many of the family friends (i.e. our parents generation) and wanted to make sure they had decent food and a nice place to sit. If we just stuck with our friends and our DS's friends we wold have done something much more low key and lower-cost. We had originally planned to have a very simple kiddish lunch for everyone and then a party in the evening for kids only (DJ, minimal food, cake).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely you can have a great, fun party for $10,000. You will have to have a buffet. Order from Koshermart, now Moti's, hire some wait staff to help serve and clear. Make your own centerpieces, they don't need to be fancy, hire a DJ from Davis DJs. Buy party favors from Oriental Trading. Buy huge candy bars for prizes. Maybe hire a characterture artist or t-shirt painter. Use paper products and plastic table cloths. The kids will have a blast. If the parents care, F--k em. They are not true friends.

Davis DJs went out of business, didn't tell anyone and all of their clients got screwed. You get what you pay for.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, it's just that throwing a big party is expensive! Doesn't matter if it's a wedding, mitzvah, sweet 16, holiday party... Here are some reasons why catering costs are so high and catering is usually the biggest expense of a party: http://popcolorevents.com/6-reasons-why-mitzvah-catering-is-so-expensive/.

[Anonymous]

I totally plan on having whatever party in our back yard. Maybe I am unrealistic, but when I was a kid in the Midwest, maybe we were shunned for having an Oneg on Saturday and then a few people back to the house, but the people that would shun me I didn't care about anyway. I think I am in a down to earth synagogue, but I will find out when we get our date and our briefing in a few weeks. I know the synagogue that most of our friends belong to have an expectation that you will pay for an Oneg. But, even though I looked at joining there several times, I just could not bring myself to join there. Then our found our current synagogue, which is full of down to earth types. I have no intention of being in a competition about who can throw the nicest party. I may throw out all this thinking when DD gets to middle school.