Bar Mitzvah for 10K?

[Anonymous]

Wow. I guess John Oliver was right: the easy way to get rich is to fleece religious people and create expensive, extravagant reasons they need to pour their money into rituals, dues, lessons, parties, etc.

[Anonymous]

This reminds me why I'm so grateful to have left the organized Jewish religion behind. My parents' synagogue was a cash-raising machine. They rope you into the bar mitzvah arms race so that you get used to associating the congregation with extravagant spending that's supposed to be both necessary and pious. Rabbi wore $2,000 suits and drove a Mercedes. Ladies fell all over themselves to throw the fanciest bar mitzvah and wear the most expensive furs and jewelry at the high holidays. The rosh hashannah sermon was always a fundraising appeal.

I lived in Israel one summer and Israelis don't go in for this crap.

It's not religion. It's American capitalism disguised as religion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Bar Mitzvah simply means when a boy is 13 years old and reads from the Torah the first time before the assembled congregation--he joins the Jewish community. That's it. No parties, no celebrations, no nothing. All the rest of it is bullshit that has been tacked on for social/cultural reasons which at this point only an insane person wouldn't recognize are completely antithetical to any notion of spirituality or meaning.

The only reason there is "years of schooling" is because the typical American Jew is "illiterate" in the Hebrew language and culture and has to be educated to a certain minimal level before going through this now-ostentatiously ridiculous ceremonial process.

Nevertheless the years of training is not actually a requirement. All that is required is turning age 13 and reading from the Torah before the congregation.

But you can't read from the Torah before the congregation without years of training. That's true for every Jew everywhere, not just American Jews. You can't just go up there and start reading, no matter how fluent you are at reading Hebrew and how much you know about Jewish culture(s).

Wrong.

You ever hear of an adult bar/bat mitzvah class?
Or for people who convert (reform/reconstructionist)?

There's a few months of lessons. Then there's a group bar/bat mitzvah. No huge ridiculous obscenely expensive party is necessary. No years and years of training is necessary. As a matter of fact, there are older jews who never got the chance to go to religious school. Sometimes if they are getting on in years, maybe have a fatal illness, they can get a bar/bat mitzvah just by basically saying a few prayers and going through a ceremony. If they can't speak Hebrew and even if they don't understand what it means, they can use a phonetic transliteration. All of these non conventional bar/bat mitvahs are every bit as valid as a kid's, if not very more so, since an adult who has lived through the trials of life may have more value to the service than some idiot spoiled kid who only cares about how much money they will get in presents and how impressed their friends will be.

It is absolutely INSANE to spend thousands or TENS of thousands of dollars on what is basically a glorified birthday party given by ego-tripping adults. It has NOTHING to do with religion.

Do they do what the 13-year-olds do for their bar/bat mitzvahs? Not at the Conservative congregation where I had my bat mitzvah, they didn't. I conducted the entire Friday night and Saturday morning services.

Nobody has said that a party that costs tens of thousands of dollars is a religious requirement, so I don't know why you're arguing that point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This reminds me why I'm so grateful to have left the organized Jewish religion behind. My parents' synagogue was a cash-raising machine. They rope you into the bar mitzvah arms race so that you get used to associating the congregation with extravagant spending that's supposed to be both necessary and pious. Rabbi wore $2,000 suits and drove a Mercedes. Ladies fell all over themselves to throw the fanciest bar mitzvah and wear the most expensive furs and jewelry at the high holidays. The rosh hashannah sermon was always a fundraising appeal.

I lived in Israel one summer and Israelis don't go in for this crap.

It's not religion. It's American capitalism disguised as religion.

Maybe look for a different synagogue, instead of generalizing from your parents' synagogue to all synagogues in the US?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell me about the most over the top bar/bat mitzvah you attended?

Younger family member in South FL. They had a giant screen that the DJ was using and when it was time for the new Bat Mitzvah to make her grand entrance, a movie (very high quality professional production, not a homemade kind of thing) began on the screen - starring the kid whose party it was. Kind of a modernized urban Cinderella story, and when she ran off screen, she ran into the room of the party in the same gown. Decor: corinthian style pillars topped with giant ostrich plumes, walls draped in iridescent fabric with color show projections. Several themed bars (which the Bat Mitzvah helped herself to liberally and was super hung over the next morning), several hundred guests in formal dress. Passed hors d'oeuvres, filet mignon AND lobster tail as main course (and this was in a synagogue, so clearly no kosher requirement), Brazilian Carnival dancers, dessert buffet to rival the Wynn in Vegas, separate "kid food" buffet, DJ with helpers to mingle (read: pester adults into dancing), photographers, film crew, elaborate floral arrangements balanced on pillars at each table, photo booths, caricature artist, several tables of different kinds of party favors, and stuffed swag bags.

I didn't grow up Jewish and didn't start going to Bar/Bat Mitzvahs until I married my DH, and so far they have literally all been like this.

[Anonymous]

Do they do what the 13-year-olds do for their bar/bat mitzvahs? Not at the Conservative congregation where I had my bat mitzvah, they didn't. I conducted the entire Friday night and Saturday morning services.

Nobody has said that a party that costs tens of thousands of dollars is a religious requirement, so I don't know why you're arguing that point.

It's not any kind of "requirement." It's antithetical to what the Bar/Bat Mitzvah is supposed to be about. It's completely pointless to spend all day leading prayer services and then turn around and negate whatever that was supposed to mean (for most 13 year olds, just empty boring rituals which are necessary to get to the party afterwards) by having an orgy of greed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Do they do what the 13-year-olds do for their bar/bat mitzvahs? Not at the Conservative congregation where I had my bat mitzvah, they didn't. I conducted the entire Friday night and Saturday morning services.

Nobody has said that a party that costs tens of thousands of dollars is a religious requirement, so I don't know why you're arguing that point.

It's not any kind of "requirement." It's antithetical to what the Bar/Bat Mitzvah is supposed to be about. It's completely pointless to spend all day leading prayer services and then turn around and negate whatever that was supposed to mean (for most 13 year olds, just empty boring rituals which are necessary to get to the party afterwards) by having an orgy of greed.

The bar/bat mitzvah is about becoming a Jewish adult. I don't understand why a big, expensive party would be antithetical to this. Do Jewish adults not have big, expensive parties? Should Jewish adults not have big, expensive parties?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell me about the most over the top bar/bat mitzvah you attended?

Younger family member in South FL. They had a giant screen that the DJ was using and when it was time for the new Bat Mitzvah to make her grand entrance, a movie (very high quality professional production, not a homemade kind of thing) began on the screen - starring the kid whose party it was. Kind of a modernized urban Cinderella story, and when she ran off screen, she ran into the room of the party in the same gown. Decor: corinthian style pillars topped with giant ostrich plumes, walls draped in iridescent fabric with color show projections. Several themed bars (which the Bat Mitzvah helped herself to liberally and was super hung over the next morning), several hundred guests in formal dress. Passed hors d'oeuvres, filet mignon AND lobster tail as main course (and this was in a synagogue, so clearly no kosher requirement), Brazilian Carnival dancers, dessert buffet to rival the Wynn in Vegas, separate "kid food" buffet, DJ with helpers to mingle (read: pester adults into dancing), photographers, film crew, elaborate floral arrangements balanced on pillars at each table, photo booths, caricature artist, several tables of different kinds of party favors, and stuffed swag bags.

I didn't grow up Jewish and didn't start going to Bar/Bat Mitzvahs until I married my DH, and so far they have literally all been like this.

You don't say.

Your husband must know a lot of people who have a jaw-dropping amount of money? I've been going to bar/bat mitzvahs all my life, and so far literally not one of them has been like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell me about the most over the top bar/bat mitzvah you attended?

Younger family member in South FL. They had a giant screen that the DJ was using and when it was time for the new Bat Mitzvah to make her grand entrance, a movie (very high quality professional production, not a homemade kind of thing) began on the screen - starring the kid whose party it was. Kind of a modernized urban Cinderella story, and when she ran off screen, she ran into the room of the party in the same gown. Decor: corinthian style pillars topped with giant ostrich plumes, walls draped in iridescent fabric with color show projections. Several themed bars (which the Bat Mitzvah helped herself to liberally and was super hung over the next morning), several hundred guests in formal dress. Passed hors d'oeuvres, filet mignon AND lobster tail as main course (and this was in a synagogue, so clearly no kosher requirement), Brazilian Carnival dancers, dessert buffet to rival the Wynn in Vegas, separate "kid food" buffet, DJ with helpers to mingle (read: pester adults into dancing), photographers, film crew, elaborate floral arrangements balanced on pillars at each table, photo booths, caricature artist, several tables of different kinds of party favors, and stuffed swag bags.

I didn't grow up Jewish and didn't start going to Bar/Bat Mitzvahs until I married my DH, and so far they have literally all been like this.

You don't say.

Your husband must know a lot of people who have a jaw-dropping amount of money? I've been going to bar/bat mitzvahs all my life, and so far literally not one of them has been like this.

That's the thing - DW is a public school teacher and DH is a doctor. They are comfortable, but are not extravagantly wealthy people. This is just how The Family do things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell me about the most over the top bar/bat mitzvah you attended?

Younger family member in South FL. They had a giant screen that the DJ was using and when it was time for the new Bat Mitzvah to make her grand entrance, a movie (very high quality professional production, not a homemade kind of thing) began on the screen - starring the kid whose party it was. Kind of a modernized urban Cinderella story, and when she ran off screen, she ran into the room of the party in the same gown. Decor: corinthian style pillars topped with giant ostrich plumes, walls draped in iridescent fabric with color show projections. Several themed bars (which the Bat Mitzvah helped herself to liberally and was super hung over the next morning), several hundred guests in formal dress. Passed hors d'oeuvres, filet mignon AND lobster tail as main course (and this was in a synagogue, so clearly no kosher requirement), Brazilian Carnival dancers, dessert buffet to rival the Wynn in Vegas, separate "kid food" buffet, DJ with helpers to mingle (read: pester adults into dancing), photographers, film crew, elaborate floral arrangements balanced on pillars at each table, photo booths, caricature artist, several tables of different kinds of party favors, and stuffed swag bags.

I didn't grow up Jewish and didn't start going to Bar/Bat Mitzvahs until I married my DH, and so far they have literally all been like this.

You don't say.

Your husband must know a lot of people who have a jaw-dropping amount of money? I've been going to bar/bat mitzvahs all my life, and so far literally not one of them has been like this.

That's the thing - DW is a public school teacher and DH is a doctor. They are comfortable, but are not extravagantly wealthy people. This is just how The Family do things.

PP again - FWIW, DH and his mom have assured me that this is not normal for Bar/Bat mitzvahs and that this is a totally new thing - looks like I picked an interesting time to join the family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Do they do what the 13-year-olds do for their bar/bat mitzvahs? Not at the Conservative congregation where I had my bat mitzvah, they didn't. I conducted the entire Friday night and Saturday morning services.

Nobody has said that a party that costs tens of thousands of dollars is a religious requirement, so I don't know why you're arguing that point.

It's not any kind of "requirement." It's antithetical to what the Bar/Bat Mitzvah is supposed to be about. It's completely pointless to spend all day leading prayer services and then turn around and negate whatever that was supposed to mean (for most 13 year olds, just empty boring rituals which are necessary to get to the party afterwards) by having an orgy of greed.

The bar/bat mitzvah is about becoming a Jewish adult. I don't understand why a big, expensive party would be antithetical to this. Do Jewish adults not have big, expensive parties? Should Jewish adults not have big, expensive parties?

O.K. as long as we're at it, why not have some strippers at the party too? Make it a really big expensive FUN "adult party." Should be O.K. with you, right? I'm an adult, I can party anyway I want to, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

O.K. as long as we're at it, why not have some strippers at the party too? Make it a really big expensive FUN "adult party." Should be O.K. with you, right? I'm an adult, I can party anyway I want to, right?

Eh? Why are we talking about strippers now? Do all big, expensive parties these days have strippers? If only people invited me to big, expensive parties, and I could go and find out for myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here- not trying to impress our friends- in our synagogue, you invite the entire 8th grade class which is 75 kids, plus DS's friends, plus our few close family friends comes out to 150 people. I didn't say it needed to be fancy, I said fun.

How does your DC go to 75 Bar Mitzvahs in one year?

Was wondering the same.

Makes no sense. Unless perhaps, only the closest 20 or 30 friends end up attending?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This reminds me why I'm so grateful to have left the organized Jewish religion behind. My parents' synagogue was a cash-raising machine. They rope you into the bar mitzvah arms race so that you get used to associating the congregation with extravagant spending that's supposed to be both necessary and pious. Rabbi wore $2,000 suits and drove a Mercedes. Ladies fell all over themselves to throw the fanciest bar mitzvah and wear the most expensive furs and jewelry at the high holidays. The rosh hashannah sermon was always a fundraising appeal.

I lived in Israel one summer and Israelis don't go in for this crap.

It's not religion. It's American capitalism disguised as religion.

Maybe look for a different synagogue, instead of generalizing from your parents' synagogue to all synagogues in the US?

This thread confirms that the pressure to do some big thing is strong in many synagogues. Ive been to plenty in my lifetime and the focus on fundraising and meeting requirements unrelated to spiritual growth are traits common to every one I've ever entered.

There's a reason Jewish people are more likely than any other American demographic to consider themselves unaffiliated.

[Anonymous]

This thread confirms my instincts to not join in this lunacy.
- NW Jewish mom & temple drop out