AMA: I am a high achiever raised by awful parents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Me too except 3 of my siblings have substance abuse problems, one is dead from an overdose and the other is in jail.

So ... there is the other issue that most kids don't really survive that sort of environment.

+1

Similar story here (no jail). My bet is about 50/50, a little higher than your estimation. Because some people want to be better than their parents - given this kind of situation. Then, there are those that will never be good enough, so they give up. Not to sound trite or dismissive, because there is much more to this type of environment. Thanks for sharing, OP.

Does anoye know about this, in your day to day life? I am curious, because no one knows about mine.

OP here (not PP). No one in my life apart from my siblings and my parents has any real idea. My spouse knows a bit, but only enough to think that my parents are run of the mill jerks. I have never let my spouse meet them because they know an easy target when they see one and would target my spouse.

I thought I could walk away from my past. I've always been the sane one and the survivor. But for me, even though I'm much more successful than anyone ever thought I would be, my problems with trust and emotional intimacy are a big factor that led to the end of my marriage. Maybe it's easier for men because there is more of a cultural model for being a man who is emotionally distant? Which is the long way of saying that even when you think you've walked away from your past, it can come back and bite you in the ass.

I am actually very warm, effusive, and demonstrative. I am mostly an open book to my spouse except for my childhood. I do not hide that because I am trying to keep my spouse at arm's length; I just don't even know where to start telling the story and digging all of those feelings up is needlessly painful.

This really jumped out at me. It actually made my arm hair stand on end. Your story reminds me a lot of my own mother, who apparently had a truly terrible childhood (vague details only given to her spouse and kids) and set about to create the "perfect" family where we had everything and were smothered in love. And we were. She loved us and I had a great childhood and I think this was very fulfilling to her. BUT...as I grew older, I started to have questions and I started to realize that she had some pretty deep-rooted issues. Stuff you don't really notice as a kid. She clearly has a lot of baggage that she never really dealt with and I think it really did catch up with her. I am not close to her and I almost think now that our close and loving family was a bit of a façade. The part that has always just shocked me as that my father, who she's been married to for 50 years, doesn't know anything about her childhood. I believe you can't be fully intimate or have full trust with someone that is missing that big of a chunk of information about who you are and what makes you tick.

I am telling you that your children will want to know who you are and where you came from and I think you need to be in a place where you can share that with them on some level. I'm not saying the gory details. But do not punish them or brush them off when they ask the questions.

Just food for thought. I am not close to my mother at all as an adult.

[Anonymous]

Heart-warming, OP. Congratulations for all the heard work you and your siblings did, and I'm sorry about the hardships you endured.

My husband is a war refugee. His parents immigrated with nothing, and his mother had to go looking for work, and locked her 3 sons in a room for the day, with a bucket to pee in. They were toddlers and preschoolers. Their father was bipolar. DH played with matches and nearly set fire to the house. They all ended up with multiple graduate degrees and successful lives. The difference is that their mother was loving and cared about their education.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
This really jumped out at me. It actually made my arm hair stand on end. Your story reminds me a lot of my own mother, who apparently had a truly terrible childhood (vague details only given to her spouse and kids) and set about to create the "perfect" family where we had everything and were smothered in love. And we were. She loved us and I had a great childhood and I think this was very fulfilling to her. BUT...as I grew older, I started to have questions and I started to realize that she had some pretty deep-rooted issues. Stuff you don't really notice as a kid. She clearly has a lot of baggage that she never really dealt with and I think it really did catch up with her. I am not close to her and I almost think now that our close and loving family was a bit of a façade. The part that has always just shocked me as that my father, who she's been married to for 50 years, doesn't know anything about her childhood. I believe you can't be fully intimate or have full trust with someone that is missing that big of a chunk of information about who you are and what makes you tick.

I am telling you that your children will want to know who you are and where you came from and I think you need to be in a place where you can share that with them on some level. I'm not saying the gory details. But do not punish them or brush them off when they ask the questions.

Just food for thought. I am not close to my mother at all as an adult.

Thank you for the advice. I take it to heart. I have no doubt that my kids are going to have questions. My spouse has had few questions, perhaps because of
the impression that there is not much to know. I am ready to answer questions and find that easier than just volunteering details. I can't picture myself punishing my kids for very much (I believe in positive reinforcement and instruction), talk less of asking about my background. I do not plan to let them meet my parents or the more psychopathic elements of my extended family. I am ready to talk about even the unsavory characters, however. I am also waiting until an appropriate age to advise them about my strong family history of mental illness/personality disorders. I have no way of knowing if any of my kids might one day struggle with those issues and I want them to be prepared.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
This really jumped out at me. It actually made my arm hair stand on end. Your story reminds me a lot of my own mother, who apparently had a truly terrible childhood (vague details only given to her spouse and kids) and set about to create the "perfect" family where we had everything and were smothered in love. And we were. She loved us and I had a great childhood and I think this was very fulfilling to her. BUT...as I grew older, I started to have questions and I started to realize that she had some pretty deep-rooted issues. Stuff you don't really notice as a kid. She clearly has a lot of baggage that she never really dealt with and I think it really did catch up with her. I am not close to her and I almost think now that our close and loving family was a bit of a façade. The part that has always just shocked me as that my father, who she's been married to for 50 years, doesn't know anything about her childhood. I believe you can't be fully intimate or have full trust with someone that is missing that big of a chunk of information about who you are and what makes you tick.

I am telling you that your children will want to know who you are and where you came from and I think you need to be in a place where you can share that with them on some level. I'm not saying the gory details. But do not punish them or brush them off when they ask the questions.

Just food for thought. I am not close to my mother at all as an adult.

Thank you for the advice. I take it to heart. I have no doubt that my kids are going to have questions. My spouse has had few questions, perhaps because of
the impression that there is not much to know. I am ready to answer questions and find that easier than just volunteering details. I can't picture myself punishing my kids for very much (I believe in positive reinforcement and instruction), talk less of asking about my background. I do not plan to let them meet my parents or the more psychopathic elements of my extended family. I am ready to talk about even the unsavory characters, however. I am also waiting until an appropriate age to advise them about my strong family history of mental illness/personality disorders. I have no way of knowing if any of my kids might one day struggle with those issues and I want them to be prepared.

My mother didn't punish us exactly for asking questions. That was probably strong. She made it clear they were unwelcome and made it extremely awkward when we asked. And she never told us much of anything.

I've never met one person related to my mother and as a young adult, I grew to realize how strange this is and really had many, many questions. I have realized I will probably just never know the answers. It's just a real loss. Because I would like to understand my mother better.

Good luck with your situation. You sound amazing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Heart-warming, OP. Congratulations for all the heard work you and your siblings did, and I'm sorry about the hardships you endured.

My husband is a war refugee. His parents immigrated with nothing, and his mother had to go looking for work, and locked her 3 sons in a room for the day, with a bucket to pee in. They were toddlers and preschoolers. Their father was bipolar. DH played with matches and nearly set fire to the house. They all ended up with multiple graduate degrees and successful lives. The difference is that their mother was loving and cared about their education.

Thank you. I am glad your husband is doing well. My parents survived war, civil unrest, and losing everything too. No doubt that worsened their issues (and maybe caused them in the case of my borderline mother).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please tell me this is a true story and not a troll! I am one of those who always think I am screwing up as a parent and my sins do not com anywhere close to those of your parents.

Also, you are all high achievers. Are you all generally pretty happy, too?

Not OP, but my background is similar. After a really troubled early adulthood, my brothers and I are doing very well. Kids can and do overcome what their parents do to them. If you are over the age of 25 and still blaming your parents for stuff, you need to look in the mirror.

OP: I wouldn't go this far. Neglect, abuse, and pain leave deep wounds, sometimes too deep to ever really heal. Some people are more resilient than others and it is a shame to blame hurt people for being hurt.

I'm the person that you are responding, too. There is do doubt that it's a burden that you can carry your whole life. I don't blame people for being hurt. I don't blame people who try to get better and get out, but can't. I blame people for being hurt and refusing to do anything about it. You can get on with your life or you can wallow in the mess that your parents made for you. If you refuse to try to get better, that's your choice. If you haven't started moving on by 25, and your life is fucked up, you're the person who is responsible.

I get what you are saying, but I insist that one cannot place arbitrary age limits on healing. I volunteer with at risk youths and most of them fall through the cracks. Look at how difficult it is to do well in this society even without the physical and emotional baggage of an abusive childhood. To ask people with all that extra baggage and far fewer resources to just shrug it aside is asking a lot indeed. I try to support the people I know who are struggling and step aside if I cannot.

You are misunderstanding what I am saying. I don't think you "shrug it aside." All that stuff may stay with you for the rest of your life. You may always be hurt. You can wallow in that hurt and stay sick, though, or you can try to get better.

I AM saying that the only person who can start the process of healing is you. You are responsible for picking yourself up and dusting yourself off and finding a way to save yourself. Nobody else is going to do it. Even if you start a mile deep in a hole, you are the one who has to find a way out and up. No one else is going to do it for you. I have a lot of patience for people who haven't figured that out by 25. I have pretty much zero patience for people who haven't accepted that responsibility and are older than 25. The only person running your life at 25 is you. It sucks if your parents didn't teach you how to have a happy, healthy successful life, but after 25, it's all on you to make your life better. No one can fix your childhood, but if you make the choice to live in that shithole or move out into the world and have a better life. It may take blood and fire to move out of the world that your parents built for you, but it's up to you. Nobody can do it for you.

There's no excuse for letting a pair of shitty parents wreck your entire life. Why give them that much control?

[Anonymous]

I am from the same type of parents but we had 9 kids. My question is are you in touch with all of your siblings or did least wander off with little contact

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
This really jumped out at me. It actually made my arm hair stand on end. Your story reminds me a lot of my own mother, who apparently had a truly terrible childhood (vague details only given to her spouse and kids) and set about to create the "perfect" family where we had everything and were smothered in love. And we were. She loved us and I had a great childhood and I think this was very fulfilling to her. BUT...as I grew older, I started to have questions and I started to realize that she had some pretty deep-rooted issues. Stuff you don't really notice as a kid. She clearly has a lot of baggage that she never really dealt with and I think it really did catch up with her. I am not close to her and I almost think now that our close and loving family was a bit of a façade. The part that has always just shocked me as that my father, who she's been married to for 50 years, doesn't know anything about her childhood. I believe you can't be fully intimate or have full trust with someone that is missing that big of a chunk of information about who you are and what makes you tick.

I am telling you that your children will want to know who you are and where you came from and I think you need to be in a place where you can share that with them on some level. I'm not saying the gory details. But do not punish them or brush them off when they ask the questions.

Just food for thought. I am not close to my mother at all as an adult.

Thank you for the advice. I take it to heart. I have no doubt that my kids are going to have questions. My spouse has had few questions, perhaps because of
the impression that there is not much to know. I am ready to answer questions and find that easier than just volunteering details. I can't picture myself punishing my kids for very much (I believe in positive reinforcement and instruction), talk less of asking about my background. I do not plan to let them meet my parents or the more psychopathic elements of my extended family. I am ready to talk about even the unsavory characters, however. I am also waiting until an appropriate age to advise them about my strong family history of mental illness/personality disorders. I have no way of knowing if any of my kids might one day struggle with those issues and I want them to be prepared.

+1

Thank you, OP. I think that letting your children know about the mental illness is important. My DH comes from a family that makes mine look normal (which says much). They don't own their shit, in any way. It really does bite them in the arse. DH has put me through hell, by way of his lack of emotion - just like his mother. I knew I hated her, and the person she is, and the facade; but after decades, I am starting to hate who DH is for the same qualities (or lack thereof).

I admire how you are handling all of this stuff you didn't ask for, and all of this stuff that was not your fault. I won't divulge choice details in my life, not because they are that juicy - but simply because I would feel judged. That is what I am surrounded by, unfortunately - the vapid, shallow, inexperienced and naive would never get it. I don't want my kids to feel judged. As it is, some people have led themselves to believe that my life is opposite what it is, IRL (not by actually knowing me!) - so, what is the point in trying to change their minds. Do you ever feel that way?

[Anonymous]

14:43 - is that OP (last) responding? Because ITA.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:14:43 - is that OP (last) responding? Because ITA.

14:43 is someone else. 13:28 is OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

This really jumped out at me. It actually made my arm hair stand on end. Your story reminds me a lot of my own mother, who apparently had a truly terrible childhood (vague details only given to her spouse and kids) and set about to create the "perfect" family where we had everything and were smothered in love. And we were. She loved us and I had a great childhood and I think this was very fulfilling to her. BUT...as I grew older, I started to have questions and I started to realize that she had some pretty deep-rooted issues. Stuff you don't really notice as a kid. She clearly has a lot of baggage that she never really dealt with and I think it really did catch up with her. I am not close to her and I almost think now that our close and loving family was a bit of a façade. The part that has always just shocked me as that my father, who she's been married to for 50 years, doesn't know anything about her childhood. I believe you can't be fully intimate or have full trust with someone that is missing that big of a chunk of information about who you are and what makes you tick.

I am telling you that your children will want to know who you are and where you came from and I think you need to be in a place where you can share that with them on some level. I'm not saying the gory details. But do not punish them or brush them off when they ask the questions.

Just food for thought. I am not close to my mother at all as an adult.

Thank you for the advice. I take it to heart. I have no doubt that my kids are going to have questions. My spouse has had few questions, perhaps because of
the impression that there is not much to know. I am ready to answer questions and find that easier than just volunteering details. I can't picture myself punishing my kids for very much (I believe in positive reinforcement and instruction), talk less of asking about my background. I do not plan to let them meet my parents or the more psychopathic elements of my extended family. I am ready to talk about even the unsavory characters, however. I am also waiting until an appropriate age to advise them about my strong family history of mental illness/personality disorders. I have no way of knowing if any of my kids might one day struggle with those issues and I want them to be prepared.

My mother didn't punish us exactly for asking questions. That was probably strong. She made it clear they were unwelcome and made it extremely awkward when we asked. And she never told us much of anything.

I've never met one person related to my mother and as a young adult, I grew to realize how strange this is and really had many, many questions. I have realized I will probably just never know the answers. It's just a real loss. Because I would like to understand my mother better.

Good luck with your situation. You sound amazing.

Good luck to you too! It was probably very difficult for your mother to talk about. Be gentle with your mother. People who have not had thoroughly miserable childhoods have difficulty imagining how bad things can be. You don't know if there is sexual abuse, incest, violence, even murder in her history. Truly hair raising things have happened in my family and worse has happened in others' families. It might be that your mother is running from her past. It might be that she is protecting you.

Early in our relationship, my spouse wanted to meet my parents. I advised her that it was a terrible idea, but she persisted. I didn't let her meet my parents, but I decided to let her meet my uncle, who is a crazy, mean person, but still small potatoes compared to my parents. I cautioned her not to give him any info about her and she insisted she got it and was not stupid etc. He was charming during the dinner. I was careful not to leave her alone with him except for a few minutes when I went to the bathroom. I learned later that he managed to charm her phone number and email address out of her on some pretext. Well, months later, he was in the mood to mess with someone and emailed her asking for financial assistance as a "future member of the family." She didn't want to mention it to me and sent him a polite response explaining that she was just a broke student. He responded with a torrent of abuse, calling her all kinds of names and threatening to find her. He also started calling her and leaving awful voicemails. She finally told me, at which point I advised her to block him and I called him to ask him to back off. I also went to the police, which struck her as an escalation.

She still insists that I overreacted by calling the police on what she thinks is a senile old man. The thing is, she doesn't realize that he has a history of assaulting women and is capable of coming to find her. That well dressed old man has a dark side no one who hasn't seen it would believe. I didn't tell her this because it would have terrified her. Mind you, he is less crazy than many of my relatives. You never know what people are protecting you from.

[Anonymous]

What is your job now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am from the same type of parents but we had 9 kids. My question is are you in touch with all of your siblings or did least wander off with little contact

I am in touch with all of them. I make a point of it. Some of us are closer than others, but we are all in touch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please tell me this is a true story and not a troll! I am one of those who always think I am screwing up as a parent and my sins do not com anywhere close to those of your parents.

Also, you are all high achievers. Are you all generally pretty happy, too?

Not OP, but my background is similar. After a really troubled early adulthood, my brothers and I are doing very well. Kids can and do overcome what their parents do to them. If you are over the age of 25 and still blaming your parents for stuff, you need to look in the mirror.

OP: I wouldn't go this far. Neglect, abuse, and pain leave deep wounds, sometimes too deep to ever really heal. Some people are more resilient than others and it is a shame to blame hurt people for being hurt.

Thank you!

[Anonymous]

Are you a HE OP?