Annual family gathering planning causing dissension - WWYD?

[Anonymous]

Honestly I think you're a little too concerned about the not seeing everyone enough part. The kids can play and hang out together plenty without everyone being in the same house/on top of each other. They'll probably want to get out on their own and explore anyway. There are plenty of resorts/hotels/AirBnBs that have kitchens or at least kitchenettes, too. I would probably back down on that and see if it makes it easier to negotiate a happy medium. But then again, even with my own family I'd love to go somewhere where we aren't all in one house but still on the same grounds...sounds perfect to me, but that's me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't your family use one of the houses owned by MIL or FIL but the adults (not FIL or MIL who are sick) would be in charge of food/cooking/cleaning?

I wish we could! It's a strange thing, my MIL has a history of seizures for the past decade or so. She is on anti-seizure medication, but her doctor gave her permission to go off of it this spring. Well, apparently the stress of hosting all of us at her home caused her to have an episode, and because of that she can never host anyone in her home ever again. (This is according to my SIL, her daughter). Even if DH and I agreed to do ALL the shopping, cooking and cleaning, she would still feel the stress of hosting because it is *her* house. So that is off the table. I am a bit incredulous about it, but that's what's been decided.

Didn't you say they had bought TWO homes solely for the purpose of hosting you all? Why doesn't she sell one of them (since she's apparently not using it) and use the money to take everyone to this resort. Boom. Solved. Until next year...

Ok, but seriously, BIL and SIL are "insisting" on a resort that you just can't afford. Answer: "we can't afford that. I'm sorry we can't join you this year." I really don't understand why it's any harder than that? Scraping up the money for this ridiculous vacation just to please your in laws would be absurd.

I hate this suggestion. My guess is there were too many family members mooching off of mil and not doing their share at this vacation that she finally got wize and put down her own boundary. Op, you yourself are being passive aggressive about this. If your family can't afford to go, don't go. No one else should be paying any portion of your vacation. Despite your weak arguments to the contrary, it sounds like a very bad idea to be roped into this every year.

[Anonymous]

Dear SIL/Family-
While the suggestion of this resort sounds wonderful, we just can't make it work financially this year. We'd love to see you all, if we could find a location/option that make is more affordable for us. Here are two suggestions: xxx,xxx
We completely understand if the resort is the best option for everyone else, in which case we will be sorry to miss the party, but look forward to hearing all about it.

Then you make arrangements to see the cousins at another time in the year, in a way that you can afford.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Warning: Long

DH and I have been married for 10 years. In that time, we have seen his family once a year with the exception of one year. No matter what else is going on in our lives and in our finances, we are obligated to get together with his family (parents, his brother and his family, and his sister and her family) every year. As more children have been added to the group, we now total 16, which has gotten logistically challenging. My MIL and FIL purchased not one but two homes specifically for the purpose of being able to host all of us together, but this year my MIL has had some health issues that preclude her from being able to host anymore. The only other person who has a house that can accommodate everyone is my SIL, and she has hosted on several occasions (it was her idea to host at her home, in fact).

This annual gathering started out as Thanksgiving. It was Thanksgiving starting in 2007 through 2012. In 2013, I was pregnant with my youngest child and due on Thanksgiving Day, so that year we moved the gathering to the summer at my MIL's house (in a not very exciting part of the country). I will note at this point that I have never thought of this gathering as a vacation in the traditional sense. It is a gathering to see and spend time with family -- for my MIL and FIL to see their grandchildren, and for the cousins to spend time with each other.

DH and I had a few really lean years financially from 2011-2014. We truly could not afford to fly our family anywhere or pay for a rental house. We did not go on any vacations at all during those years unless they were subsidized by *my* parents. We pleaded to be let out of the obligation to attend, but the others wouldn't accommodate us. Instead, on two occasions they came to us (they are in CO and CA respectively, so far away) and paid for a rental home in VA. One year my MIL subsidized a large portion of our plane tickets so we could go to my SIL's house. The other year we were able to drive 2 days to my in-laws' home (in the not-exciting location) and stay with friends on the way there and back.

This year, things have turned around for us financially, up to a point. Meaning, we are willing and able to invest some funds in participating in this family gathering going forward. But the planning for next year's gathering has gone in a completely unexpected and strange direction. My BIL's wife wants us all to stay at a resort instead of getting a rental home. We feel really strongly that this is a bad idea not only financially, but because if we are all staying in separate hotel rooms with no common area in which to gather, we won't see that much of each other and will basically be taking parallel vacations instead of having a family gathering. Also, one of our children has multiple food allergies to foods that are very difficult to avoid. We need to have a kitchen to ensure we have options for him to eat.

It is my educated guess that my BIL's wife has started to resent this trip in part because she does not get a lot of vacation time at her job. (She said, when we were talking about it at this year's trip, "this ends up being our family vacation every year" with a tone in her voice, and pushed for Hawaii and later Club Med for next year). She is the main breadwinner in her family and she works long hours. As she has expressed it to us in an email, she wants a resort vacation because she wants privacy from everyone, to be able to sleep late if she wants to, and to not have any obligation to cook, clean, or shop for food. I completely appreciate her need to have a real vacation for herself, and we offered a few options to accommodate this, including a rental home within a resort so there would be restaurant options etc., and moving the gathering back to Thanksgiving so that only a day need be taken off work, saving vacation time for other things. But, my SIL doesn't want to host anymore, so that's out. And BIL's wife would not back down one inch on the idea of a resort versus a rental home.

The current state of the discussion is that they have proposed a resort in San Diego (driving distance for them since they are in LA). Because we are a family of 6 coming from the East Coast, the plane tickets and rental car alone would be $5k, and the cost of a resort would put us at $10k even for just a few days. I know that our two older kids would be devastated to go and not get to spend any time with their older cousins. Both DH and I are disinclined to invest this amount of money on a vacation that we would not otherwise take, in accommodations we would never choose for ourselves, to not even see family members for more than an hour or two a day. But, if we refuse to go it will be a huge stink. Somehow my BIL's wife got control of the situation early on, and we are on the defensive. My SIL does not have any financial constraints and all things being equal would probably be happy with a resort, as she doesn't get much vacation time either.

WWYD?

P.S. There is no way to accurately cover all the different dynamics going on in this situation, but I have done my best.

Warning should have said: Long, and nuts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dear SIL/Family-
While the suggestion of this resort sounds wonderful, we just can't make it work financially this year. We'd love to see you all, if we could find a location/option that make is more affordable for us. Here are two suggestions: xxx,xxx
We completely understand if the resort is the best option for everyone else, in which case we will be sorry to miss the party, but look forward to hearing all about it.

Then you make arrangements to see the cousins at another time in the year, in a way that you can afford.

Also, you said you had food or allergy issues. So you require a kitchen. That is not up for discussion. You have a budget of x dollars and need a kitchen. SIL needs a hands off resort vacation. Those are both needs. If you can find middle ground, fine. Otherwise, the trip is off. Neither of you should have to compromise your needs to placate other people and be resentful the entire time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly I think you're a little too concerned about the not seeing everyone enough part. The kids can play and hang out together plenty without everyone being in the same house/on top of each other. They'll probably want to get out on their own and explore anyway. There are plenty of resorts/hotels/AirBnBs that have kitchens or at least kitchenettes, too. I would probably back down on that and see if it makes it easier to negotiate a happy medium. But then again, even with my own family I'd love to go somewhere where we aren't all in one house but still on the same grounds...sounds perfect to me, but that's me.

I agree, I don't see why your family staying off-resort means that you would only have one or two hours together as a family. You can still have plenty of time together-have the cousins over for a sleepover, etc.

[Anonymous]

I am fairly certain that no matter what you do, everyone will be pissed. Btdt.

[Anonymous]

So your husband only sees family 1 time a year? There are a lot of DC people who would love this arrangement so out on your big girl pants. Your husband should to to his brother and they pick a place. Rent a condo on vbro near whatever resort and make plans to see each other and also do your own thing too. I have a kid with food allergies so I get about kitchen. This is not hard to work out but looks like you are angling to not have your husband see his family. Lame.

[Anonymous]

Can you find a condo or small house to rent near the resort destination that would be cheaper for you? Then you can join the family at the resort (maybe pay a small resort fee to use their pools, etc.)?

[Anonymous]

Doesn't West Virginia have a lot of options where you could have your own kitchen, drive, arrange for hikes so the kids could spend time with their cousins, etc.?

[Anonymous]

A few thoughts:

- Since it is unlikely that everyone is going to move closer, start a tradition by splitting the distanced. Look for locations in the midwest that are halfway between both coasts so that both the DC part of the family and the LA part of the family have to travel halfway. It will be cheaper, but equally a burden to everyone rather than always being more expensive for one part of the family than the other. There are many, many nice places in the middle of the country to suit your needs

- Look for a resort where you can find house rentals nearby. Those who want can stay in the resort, those who want can stay in the nearby home. The nearby home can be used for OP and family to accommodate the restricted diet of the child plus can be used for the group gatherings including meals. If you are doing a week-long vacation, designate a few days for group get-togethers and a few days for "everyone's on their own." Find a mix of days to suit as many people as possible. You can find a lot of resort rental sites that have house rentals nears resorts. You can also look for an AirBnB type location to rent for the rental.

- Look for off-peak times to get a discount. You can go to summer resort type areas in the Fall to get a savings. I've found that there a warm weather places that have great off-season discounts, and still have indoor heated pools, spas, saunas, jacuzzis, live music, restaurants and nearby attractions that are great deals.

- Look for places that offer the most flexibility for entertainment. You want to start a tradition, so try to find places that may offer alternative entertainment in the future. Often locations in bigger urban areas have that, but sometimes you can find resorts that are slightly more out-of-the-way but have easy access to a major urban area. You want to have this year's trip there, but if this becomes the new family tradition, then it leaves you and the in-laws options to make it more appealing in future years.

[Anonymous]

Unless you are wealthy (and it appears that you're not), the answer is simple - 'Sorry, but we can't make it this year'. If anyone asks why not, you can choose - at your discretion - to tell them that you are not prepared to spend 10k (!) for a get together. There is no way in hell I would spend that kind of money on a pseudo vacation that will probably make you miserable. If there is a huge amount of blowback, then just send your husband.

[Anonymous]

Send out your own email ....

" dear family: my how things have changed over the years! There are more of us, finances have changed, health has changed. And now it time to acknowledge our gatherings will change. As much as I am sure we would all love to get together every year in one place like we have, it is no longer feasible. Trying to force something just because "that's the way we always have done it" is pointless. We won't make it to this years gathering. We wish you the best time and will be there in spirit with you. Maybe next years will work out for our family."

Your older kids won't be "devastated" to miss. They won't really care as much as you think. It will just be some minor detail in their summer.

Part of growing up is realizing that it is ok to put your own family's needs first before looking good to others.

[Anonymous]

If the in laws purchased 2 homes specifically to accommodate everyone, maybe its time they sell one home and use funds to help pay for everyone's travel to a destination? use vrbo.com You can get a large house and a great destination.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Send out your own email ....

" dear family: my how things have changed over the years! There are more of us, finances have changed, health has changed. And now it time to acknowledge our gatherings will change. As much as I am sure we would all love to get together every year in one place like we have, it is no longer feasible. Trying to force something just because "that's the way we always have done it" is pointless. We won't make it to this years gathering. We wish you the best time and will be there in spirit with you. Maybe next years will work out for our family."

Your older kids won't be "devastated" to miss. They won't really care as much as you think. It will just be some minor detail in their summer.

Part of growing up is realizing that it is ok to put your own family's needs first before looking good to others.

I agree with this. I'd bail without a backwards glance. If they were to get mad and think I'm a jerk, they'd be telling it to my back and I wouldn't care.