Annual family gathering planning causing dissension - WWYD?

[Anonymous]

It sounds like the tension between your DH's brother and his wife is ruling the vacation.

Definitely update us once something has been decided...

[Anonymous]

You don't want to go but you're kids are going to be disappointed. I mean anything is expensive with 4 kids, which was your choice I'm assuming? No quadruplets? Sounds like everyone have accommodated your family for years. But it is a lot of money - have you actually priced it or are you guessing. The thing is a resort sounds awesome and you're wrong that people won't see each other. The kids will live at the pool or whatever and you can all eat together, hang out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't your family use one of the houses owned by MIL or FIL but the adults (not FIL or MIL who are sick) would be in charge of food/cooking/cleaning?

I wish we could! It's a strange thing, my MIL has a history of seizures for the past decade or so. She is on anti-seizure medication, but her doctor gave her permission to go off of it this spring. Well, apparently the stress of hosting all of us at her home caused her to have an episode, and because of that she can never host anyone in her home ever again. (This is according to my SIL, her daughter). Even if DH and I agreed to do ALL the shopping, cooking and cleaning, she would still feel the stress of hosting because it is *her* house. So that is off the table. I am a bit incredulous about it, but that's what's been decided.

Didn't you say they had bought TWO homes solely for the purpose of hosting you all? Why doesn't she sell one of them (since she's apparently not using it) and use the money to take everyone to this resort. Boom. Solved. Until next year...

Ok, but seriously, BIL and SIL are "insisting" on a resort that you just can't afford. Answer: "we can't afford that. I'm sorry we can't join you this year." I really don't understand why it's any harder than that? Scraping up the money for this ridiculous vacation just to please your in laws would be absurd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like the tension between your DH's brother and his wife is ruling the vacation.

Definitely update us once something has been decided...

I don't know that there is any tension between them or that they have discussed it at all. I also don't know whether my SIL has even admitted to *herself*, much less her husband, how much she hates this trip, even though others can clearly see it in her words and demeanor.

I am done caring about the accommodations per se because if they don't want to spend time with everyone, that's fine with me. But I'm not going to spend $10k on a resort vacation in CA.

No, we do not have twins or quadruplets. We chose to have 4 children. However, in making that choice we also knew that we would have a different lifestyle from a lot of 2-child families -- e.g. that we would not be flying often and that when we did it would be to stay with family, and that we would not be able to afford expensive vacations. We made that choice willingly, and at the time this annual gathering was always hosted by a family member so that our only expense was the travel itself. We did not realize that we were signing up to take an expensive resort vacation every year with our family of 6, nor would we have signed up for such a thing. Not to mention, our choices with respect to family size should not be dictated by anyone's ill-conceived "expectations" of what we should spend our money on.

The person who said we need to grow a pair are correct. I actually have a pair, but my husband, sadly, does not, at least when it comes to keeping the peace within his family. He and I have been fighting over this for the past two days. And we rarely ever have conflict about anything.

[Anonymous]

The person who said we need to grow a pair *is* correct, not are.

[Anonymous]

Not your job to plan a vacation that will suit everyone. Say what you can do and leave it at that. Above letter is great. If they helped you financially, they probably think you "owe" them which is unfortunate. Don't take the money any more but don't do more than you want to.

[Anonymous]

Don't suggest every other year, just do it. DH can go every year. Next year is off year for you.

[Anonymous]

I agree you should not have accepted help in the past. You should have said clearly "we can't afford it and will not take a hand out. Period". Now they will think you are complaining and fishing for a hand out. Just say No or give them an option close to your home or host thanksgiving at your house this year.

[Anonymous]

Can you skip the family gathering altogether and do something at a different time with just the grandparents? So what if BIL doesn't like it - F him.

[Anonymous]

If SIL is opposed to the rental home, then why doesn't she just stay at home and let her DH go on the trip.

[Anonymous]

The current state of the discussion is that they have proposed a resort in San Diego (driving distance for them since they are in LA). Because we are a family of 6 coming from the East Coast, the plane tickets and rental car alone would be $5k, and the cost of a resort would put us at $10k even for just a few days. I know that our two older kids would be devastated to go and not get to spend any time with their older cousins. Both DH and I are disinclined to invest this amount of money on a vacation that we would not otherwise take, in accommodations we would never choose for ourselves, to not even see family members for more than an hour or two a day. But, if we refuse to go it will be a huge stink. Somehow my BIL's wife got control of the situation early on, and we are on the defensive. My SIL does not have any financial constraints and all things being equal would probably be happy with a resort, as she doesn't get much vacation time either.

So if it's still in discussion, just respond with something like, "We are happy to go to a resort, but we can't afford both airfare for six and the resort costs. If we can find a resort within driving distance, we can attend. If not, we can't. What about [suggest a handful of nice resorts on the East Coast]."

[Anonymous]

How about DH goes with the two older kids and they all sleep in the same hotel room for a few nights and then come home?

Are the youngest old enough to be upset if they are excluded?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds super-complicated, but perhaps you could suggest a resort closer to you, which would reduce or eliminate the cost of the plane fare. She has a point--if this is her only vacation, she's not crazy for wanting it to be a little nicer. Or maybe you and your SIL could split the cost of a rental house at a resort, while your BIL and his wife could get their own room.

I know, we totally appreciate her situation! One of our proposed alternatives was to take a year off to allow her to have the kind of vacation she wants and deserves, but no dice on that.

Ultimately, who decides? If you don't want to go, don't go. Only you can make yourself feel guilty.

I can't imagine spending my only vacation time with extended family. No way - even though I love them and enjoy spending time with them.

[Anonymous]

I'm sad my family has given up on getting together (all of us together at the same time). But it gets too hard once everyone has kids. The only thing that works are weddings and funerals!

Also, here's one thing that almost worked (3/4 of the family was there): My brother and his wife rented a place. It was something they could afford by themselves but had space for extra. After booking it, they sent an email such as "We rented a place. We are going from X to Y dates. We can pay for it on our own. However, there is space for x number of additional people in the house. If you want to join us, we can figure out how to split the cost. If not, we'll have a good time on our own too...."

It forced ALL of the answers to the potentially endless discussion of dates/where to stay/who's staying in which house, etc. Later, another family joined them in their rental, and the rest of us all got together and rented one a couple of blocks away..

If I want this to happen again, I think I may repeat what my brother did.

[Anonymous]

I totally see your SIL point. No matter what you say, when you cram multiple people in one house, the woman tend to get stuck with all the crap work.

I totally get your concern about the money, but not about only seeing the cousins " for a few hors." You could offer to have her kids hang out with yours why she is sleeping and relaxing.

I think the family needs to coordinate better. Maybe every other year do a resort type vacation and then a everyone in one or two houses. You should also take turns on locations.