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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Warning: Long

DH and I have been married for 10 years. In that time, we have seen his family once a year with the exception of one year. No matter what else is going on in our lives and in our finances, we are obligated to get together with his family (parents, his brother and his family, and his sister and her family) every year. As more children have been added to the group, we now total 16, which has gotten logistically challenging. My MIL and FIL purchased not one but two homes specifically for the purpose of being able to host all of us together, but this year my MIL has had some health issues that preclude her from being able to host anymore. The only other person who has a house that can accommodate everyone is my SIL, and she has hosted on several occasions (it was her idea to host at her home, in fact).

This annual gathering started out as Thanksgiving. It was Thanksgiving starting in 2007 through 2012. In 2013, I was pregnant with my youngest child and due on Thanksgiving Day, so that year we moved the gathering to the summer at my MIL's house (in a not very exciting part of the country). I will note at this point that I have never thought of this gathering as a vacation in the traditional sense. It is a gathering to see and spend time with family -- for my MIL and FIL to see their grandchildren, and for the cousins to spend time with each other.

DH and I had a few really lean years financially from 2011-2014. We truly could not afford to fly our family anywhere or pay for a rental house. We did not go on any vacations at all during those years unless they were subsidized by *my* parents. We pleaded to be let out of the obligation to attend, but the others wouldn't accommodate us. Instead, on two occasions they came to us (they are in CO and CA respectively, so far away) and paid for a rental home in VA. One year my MIL subsidized a large portion of our plane tickets so we could go to my SIL's house. The other year we were able to drive 2 days to my in-laws' home (in the not-exciting location) and stay with friends on the way there and back.

This year, things have turned around for us financially, up to a point. Meaning, we are willing and able to invest some funds in participating in this family gathering going forward. But the planning for next year's gathering has gone in a completely unexpected and strange direction. My BIL's wife wants us all to stay at a resort instead of getting a rental home. We feel really strongly that this is a bad idea not only financially, but because if we are all staying in separate hotel rooms with no common area in which to gather, we won't see that much of each other and will basically be taking parallel vacations instead of having a family gathering. Also, one of our children has multiple food allergies to foods that are very difficult to avoid. We need to have a kitchen to ensure we have options for him to eat.

It is my educated guess that my BIL's wife has started to resent this trip in part because she does not get a lot of vacation time at her job. (She said, when we were talking about it at this year's trip, "this ends up being our family vacation every year" with a tone in her voice, and pushed for Hawaii and later Club Med for next year). She is the main breadwinner in her family and she works long hours. As she has expressed it to us in an email, she wants a resort vacation because she wants privacy from everyone, to be able to sleep late if she wants to, and to not have any obligation to cook, clean, or shop for food. I completely appreciate her need to have a real vacation for herself, and we offered a few options to accommodate this, including a rental home within a resort so there would be restaurant options etc., and moving the gathering back to Thanksgiving so that only a day need be taken off work, saving vacation time for other things. But, my SIL doesn't want to host anymore, so that's out. And BIL's wife would not back down one inch on the idea of a resort versus a rental home.

The current state of the discussion is that they have proposed a resort in San Diego (driving distance for them since they are in LA). Because we are a family of 6 coming from the East Coast, the plane tickets and rental car alone would be $5k, and the cost of a resort would put us at $10k even for just a few days. I know that our two older kids would be devastated to go and not get to spend any time with their older cousins. Both DH and I are disinclined to invest this amount of money on a vacation that we would not otherwise take, in accommodations we would never choose for ourselves, to not even see family members for more than an hour or two a day. But, if we refuse to go it will be a huge stink. Somehow my BIL's wife got control of the situation early on, and we are on the defensive. My SIL does not have any financial constraints and all things being equal would probably be happy with a resort, as she doesn't get much vacation time either.

WWYD?

P.S. There is no way to accurately cover all the different dynamics going on in this situation, but I have done my best. [/quote]

Warning should have said: Long, and nuts.[/quote]

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