Annual family gathering planning causing dissension - WWYD?
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Anonymous
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Warning: Long
DH and I have been married for 10 years. In that time, we have seen his family once a year with the exception of one year. No matter what else is going on in our lives and in our finances, we are obligated to get together with his family (parents, his brother and his family, and his sister and her family) every year. As more children have been added to the group, we now total 16, which has gotten logistically challenging. My MIL and FIL purchased not one but two homes specifically for the purpose of being able to host all of us together, but this year my MIL has had some health issues that preclude her from being able to host anymore. The only other person who has a house that can accommodate everyone is my SIL, and she has hosted on several occasions (it was her idea to host at her home, in fact). This annual gathering started out as Thanksgiving. It was Thanksgiving starting in 2007 through 2012. In 2013, I was pregnant with my youngest child and due on Thanksgiving Day, so that year we moved the gathering to the summer at my MIL's house (in a not very exciting part of the country). I will note at this point that I have never thought of this gathering as a vacation in the traditional sense. It is a gathering to see and spend time with family -- for my MIL and FIL to see their grandchildren, and for the cousins to spend time with each other. DH and I had a few really lean years financially from 2011-2014. We truly could not afford to fly our family anywhere or pay for a rental house. We did not go on any vacations at all during those years unless they were subsidized by *my* parents. We pleaded to be let out of the obligation to attend, but the others wouldn't accommodate us. Instead, on two occasions they came to us (they are in CO and CA respectively, so far away) and paid for a rental home in VA. One year my MIL subsidized a large portion of our plane tickets so we could go to my SIL's house. The other year we were able to drive 2 days to my in-laws' home (in the not-exciting location) and stay with friends on the way there and back. This year, things have turned around for us financially, up to a point. Meaning, we are willing and able to invest some funds in participating in this family gathering going forward. But the planning for next year's gathering has gone in a completely unexpected and strange direction. My BIL's wife wants us all to stay at a resort instead of getting a rental home. We feel really strongly that this is a bad idea not only financially, but because if we are all staying in separate hotel rooms with no common area in which to gather, we won't see that much of each other and will basically be taking parallel vacations instead of having a family gathering. Also, one of our children has multiple food allergies to foods that are very difficult to avoid. We need to have a kitchen to ensure we have options for him to eat. It is my educated guess that my BIL's wife has started to resent this trip in part because she does not get a lot of vacation time at her job. (She said, when we were talking about it at this year's trip, "this ends up being our family vacation every year" with a tone in her voice, and pushed for Hawaii and later Club Med for next year). She is the main breadwinner in her family and she works long hours. As she has expressed it to us in an email, she wants a resort vacation because she wants privacy from everyone, to be able to sleep late if she wants to, and to not have any obligation to cook, clean, or shop for food. I completely appreciate her need to have a real vacation for herself, and we offered a few options to accommodate this, including a rental home within a resort so there would be restaurant options etc., and moving the gathering back to Thanksgiving so that only a day need be taken off work, saving vacation time for other things. But, my SIL doesn't want to host anymore, so that's out. And BIL's wife would not back down one inch on the idea of a resort versus a rental home. The current state of the discussion is that they have proposed a resort in San Diego (driving distance for them since they are in LA). Because we are a family of 6 coming from the East Coast, the plane tickets and rental car alone would be $5k, and the cost of a resort would put us at $10k even for just a few days. I know that our two older kids would be devastated to go and not get to spend any time with their older cousins. Both DH and I are disinclined to invest this amount of money on a vacation that we would not otherwise take, in accommodations we would never choose for ourselves, to not even see family members for more than an hour or two a day. But, if we refuse to go it will be a huge stink. Somehow my BIL's wife got control of the situation early on, and we are on the defensive. My SIL does not have any financial constraints and all things being equal would probably be happy with a resort, as she doesn't get much vacation time either. WWYD? P.S. There is no way to accurately cover all the different dynamics going on in this situation, but I have done my best. |
Anonymous
| I think it's fine to tell them that you can't afford to go. You have to do what's best for your own family. |
Anonymous
| Sounds super-complicated, but perhaps you could suggest a resort closer to you, which would reduce or eliminate the cost of the plane fare. She has a point--if this is her only vacation, she's not crazy for wanting it to be a little nicer. Or maybe you and your SIL could split the cost of a rental house at a resort, while your BIL and his wife could get their own room. |
Anonymous
| Can you suggest a resort within driving distance of you, and save the airfare? |
Anonymous
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this is complicated. the way you describe it is a bit odd - on the one hand you see it as an obligation, which makes you no different really than the SIL you're criticizing (and i know the situation as we are in a similar one with DH's family - every vacation ends up with us essentially staying at their house, which is nice but not a vacation in the traditional sense). that said, i can see why you'd be balking at the cost.
on the one hand it sounds like you don't really like hanging out with these people, but then you seem annoyed that the resort vacation might result in you seeing them less. i see two options: 1) resort place closer to you or 2) whoever helped subsidize you going in the past do it again (no one wants to be a beggar but it does seem like spending time with your family is important to the larger group and maybe if finances aren't a concern for other members, they can pitch in). |
Anonymous
I know, we totally appreciate her situation! One of our proposed alternatives was to take a year off to allow her to have the kind of vacation she wants and deserves, but no dice on that. |
Anonymous
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I think you guys need to search for a place where you can rent an affordable condo or apt with a kitchen, and they can have the resort.
If money's not as big an issue for them, they come to you, or somewhere where you can drive. |
Anonymous
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I think it is completely reasonable to say that you can't afford a $10,000 vacation. Would they be willing to consider a resort that is within driving distance of where you live, so that you can drive, rather than fly?
Maybe something like: "Dear family, As much as we enjoy our family gatherings, we will not be able to finance plane tickets for 6, a rental car and a resort for a week. If you would be willing to consider a vacation that we could drive to (pick something to suggest), we will try to make it work. Otherwise, we look forward to joining the family next year. Best, Tracy and George" |
Anonymous
We have suggested some, yes. The original proposal was Florida, and we found a nice resort there and one in South Carolina. Then she comes back with San Diego, which had never been mentioned before. |
Anonymous
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I think $15K is a lot of money and it's okay to be honest with your ILs and your kids that $15K is simply out of the budget for you. When your ILs throw a stink about it, suggest something that is within your budget. If they turn that down, then you've both turned out an invite to get together with the extended family, so you're in the same boat.
I would let them get upset about it and if they really push it, just be honest - you would love to see them, but you can't afford a $15K vacation this year, and you hope it works out next year. |
Anonymous
We did think about that. But we still wouldn't get to see them and don't see the point of going somewhere we wouldn't otherwise go if it is not to spend time with family. We can just arrange to see my MIL and FIL on their own so they can get time with their grandchildren. I actually do enjoy spending time with my in-laws. I like my MIL and FIL a lot. My BIL's wife and my SIL do not particularly like me, as best I can tell. They would never say as much, everything is very beneath the surface with this family. I like them just fine, or at least I did before this whole kerfuffle. I look forward to seeing them. But it has been really embarrassing to us to take their charity and know that they probably resent us for it even though it was their decision to do it. |
Anonymous
I like this. I cannot imagine a "stink" arising from this (but you know your family), and it is in no way defensive. It is stating the facts which, when in doubt, one should do. It is tactful as well. |
Anonymous
| Bow out? "The resort idea is just too much for us. We are going on a more modest vacation just the four of us this year and will find another time to visit. Love, Jane and Bob" |
Anonymous
| Why can't you do Thanksgiving at MIL and FIL's house and you cook/host? You get there a day before everyone else, clean, make the beds, do the grocery run. Your MIL doesn't have to do anything, SIL doesnt have to host, other SIL has time for a real vacation, and you don't break the bank. |
Anonymous
You know what? No one has to give you permission to skip a year. This whole "no dice" or "pleading" you mentioned? No, just, no. It doesn't look like it is going to work this year, boom, done. I do wonder: If your SIL was always traveling to accommodate your nuclear family, I wonder if she thinks it is her "turn"? I wouldn't ask that everything be weighted in your family's favor again. |