Baby is heading to daycare- how can I help my wife cope?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know this is not what you want to hear but here is my story.

When I was pregnant I got on waitlist of every single daycare within a 5 mile radius of my house. I knew what to do and made a plan.

When I had a baby, I learned what babies need, which is a lot of time and attention. They are new to the world and they need a person they can call on for every need every hour of the day.

Tons of studies say daycare is as good as nanny. Yes, that is true. But newborn up to about 1.5 years old is different. Many daycares don't take kids until 1.5 years old for this reason. After 1.5 years old, they benefit from being around other kids.

After I had my kid, I actually toured the daycares again and the places that I thought were fine were actually not fine. I could not leave my kid there. The state mandated ratio only allows caregivers to do triage-- change that diaper, change this diaper, feed that kid, feed this kid, move this kid from this bouncer to that because he/she is bored. They do not have time to hold your kid and enjoy every smile and give it love.

So I changed my mind and hired nanny. It was more expensive but it was worth it knowing in that precious year my kid has what he needed. He was not left somewhere where just the physical needs were being met, not emotional.

You sound like a caring dad. Seriously think about nanny if you can. If you cannot afford it, you can probably hire an old grandma with bad English at a low rate and set up a camera feed you can monitor from home. The baby will be at home, in the same environment. Love is the same, in any language. The baby needs to be held and loved.

When your baby is walking, you can send them to daycare. It'll be great.

Shut up. Seriously. My kids are no longer in the infant room, but ours has 4 caregivers for 6 babies. When you consider how much babies sleep, that's basically one on one care. They are CONSTANTLY holding and loving on the babies. An old grandma with bad English? You're a strange one.

New Poster here. I was in the exact same boat. I toured daycares and could not imagine leaving my little baby there. We had a nanny until my son was 2 years old.

Op this is the type of talk your wife needs to absolutely avoid. With my first child I spent the first year of her life being sad about her being in daycare even though I loved her daycare. Now she is 5 years old and the happiest, smartest little kid anyone could ask for. I realized I worried myself over nothing.

Everyone has opinions about how you should raise your child and ALWAYS will, keep that in mind. Do what is best for your family.

[Anonymous]

Do the drop off or at least go with her. I could nor do drop off for a year. Honestly, I would have called my job and quit.

[Anonymous]

OP, before the pro-nanny posters start to totally freak you or your wife out - here's a story for you. I hired a nanny for my second child; my first was starting elementary school. The nanny had worked for a woman who had been a friend for years, and I also spoke to several references (several of whom I knew.) We wrote out a contract, gave her decent benefits (sick time, vacation, a cell phone) and asked nothing of her besides childcare.

Six weeks in, we realized she had been maintaining side gigs doing elder care and taking our then 4-month old with her. This, despite the fact that we'd agreed (and included in the contract) that she would not drive our son anywhere in the early months since he was an infant and we live next to a bike trail and parks for walking and fresh air.

We had to fire her on the spot - and because we still felt badly for her, we gave her severance and kept paying the phone for months. For a while, we continued to get calls for her at our home number from callers who sounded elderly.

We opted to return to the daycare where our oldest had spent 4 very good years and where we would never be at the mercy of one single individual for our child's safety. And btw, if none of that horrifies you, consider this: every so often I google her name, and she appears to still be working as a nanny in the DC area.

We've had a few nannies since, including at least one outstanding one. But there's absolutely nothing superior about a nanny over daycare.

[Anonymous]

Stay at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Help with things in the evening/morning to give her more time with the baby. DH would make dinner while I nursed, wash pump parts, pack the daycare bag. It was a really rough transition for me and I appreciated that DH would take over the housekeeping stuff.

This is helpful advice, especially since babies entering daycare sometimes "cluster feed" once the mom gets home. My baby feed on and off from 5pm when I arrived home to 8pm. It was nice for bonding after a full day of work, but pretty draining (literally) too. This phase lasted no longer than 1-2 months btw.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stay at home.

Why would she stay at home if the baby is going to daycare?

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry to hear this. No easy answer here.

Whatever your wife is feeling is very valid. This is a sacrifice and it is something that you have to live with. Over some time it will be the new normal. You will be ok, your wife will be ok, your kid will be ok.

Yes, there are moments you will miss and you will realize that you only have finite time with your kids. However, poverty is worse than daycare. If your wife needs to work - then she should stop feeling guilty.

Yes, Having a Nanny is a great option, but there is the danger of her being abusive and negligent. So, in that way a good daycare is safer. Yet, children fall ill all the time in the daycare unlike kids who are at home.

Best options are a grandma who takes care of the baby with the help of a nanny. Or your wife working from home. I am sure you have thought through all the scenarios and you are doing the very best.

It is hard and there will be a lot of guilt. A mom who stays at home with the kid and nurtures him/her is the best option by far for the kid. However, it may mean a drop in HHI, no safety net, difficulty in finding a job after being a SAHM etc.

Best of luck.

[Anonymous]

A mom who stays at home with the kid and nurtures him/her is the best option by far for the kid.

Says who?

Enough already. The OP didn't ask if his wife should stay home; he asked for tips on daycare. I wonder if this is all one awful troll spilling daycare horror stories and assertions of superiority of SAHMs.

[Anonymous]

I was exhausted from lack of sleep and every night cleaning and packing breast pump parts, bottles, whatever else was needed at daycare. If you washed and had all this stuff ready to go, it would save her a lot of time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are getting ready to send our infant to daycare next month. How can I help my wife cope with the transition?

Split drop off and pick up. If you do drop off and she does pick up- arrange to do pick up once a week- so she doesn't have leave work on time everyday if something crops up- or so she can take an extra hour or two catching up on things (work or personal errands).

Assess what each person is doing at home and make sure it is split evenly. Doing laundry or the grocery shopping and cooking are great things for the DH to do.

Do a daily pick up and organization of things around the house. 20 minutes each day- can be in the morning or afternoon- bambino can help in a year or two. Wear baby as you do it if need be.

If you do drop off and leave house after DW, set the table for dinner before you leave. Start a laundry load before you leave. Whomever gets home first, puts it in the dryer, then you fold it before bed. One load a day and you will keep up (at least until rotovirus hits).

Hire an every other week (or weekly) cleaning person.

Be the person daycare calls first to pick up in case of sickness- be the first line of defense.

Take turns on sick days, even if it loses points at your office.

Go to the well baby appointments- or split them. Later on, one parent takes the dentist and the other takes the annual physical.

Establish a weekly date night early- even if it moves to every other week or monthly- don't stop.

Bring home flowers from time to time- just because.

Are you a DH or DW? I ask because this a great list of really awesome things, and I wanted to know if a man thought them up. (My husband does none of this.)

[Anonymous]

see if she can do a few "trial run" days at daycare before she actually goes back to work. I did this with my second-- I went to work to get a few things accomplished, but I wasn't "on the clock." I only stayed a half a day each time- knew that I could leave on a moment's notice- and of course the baby was totally fine. I felt a lot better about the first real day back to work, though-- I felt like the baby part was off to a good start, so I could focus a little more on myself.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP,

Don't let the pro nanny posters freak you out. It certainly works well for some. However, the kids I saw that switched from a nanny or SAHM at 2 like some are suggesting had a really hard transition. And I mean hard like crying for long periods of time and one little boy who refused to take off his backpack all day because he "wasn't staying" someone was coming to pick him up. Now, 40 people will chime in and say their kid went to center based or home daycare at age 2 and they never shed a tear. My experience was different at the two daycares we used and several friends who transitioned a child to daycare had the heartbreaking experience of a tough adjustment so my best advice is to start at a center as you have planned.

We opted for center based daycare over home daycare or a nanny and it was a great experience for us. We were lucky in that my mom looked after our child for a short period before she went to daycare. What helped me a lot was going back to work PT for two weeks and then having Thanksgiving. I worked FT for another few weeks and then my mom went out of town on a pre-planned trip and my husband took two weeks off and stayed home with her. I credit this length of time with really cementing their relationship. He did everything. He fed, burped, changed, played, put her to bed, the works. From that point on, he has never hesitated to take over her care at any age. Priceless.

I also really recommend that you do most of the drop offs until your wife gets her feet on the ground. I liked the happy reunion feeling more than the gnawing anxiety of drop off. And drop off feelings did not impact my husband as much. On the days I did drop off, my husband would pick up and they would often go to the grocery store or dry cleaner or some other errand type outing. He would always have some funny story about their outing.

Take over something. Grocery shopping, cooking dinner, laundry. Those are the big ones. Pick one and do it.

Make plans. I always appreciated when my husband took one for the team and dealt with taking baby to visit MIL or having her over without me having to be there. We began inviting MIL over on Sunday afternoon pretty regularly. She played with baby while my husband caught up on work and I went out alone to run errands, get my nails done, exercise, meet friends, etc. My husband also spent years taking baby/toddler/preschooler to the gym early Saturday morning so I could sleep in.

Say nice things to her. "She looks so happy! That's all you!" "His smile reminds me of yours." This is one thing I do for my husband. He loves hearing my approval or my belief in his parenting skills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am so sorry to hear this. No easy answer here.

Whatever your wife is feeling is very valid. This is a sacrifice and it is something that you have to live with. Over some time it will be the new normal. You will be ok, your wife will be ok, your kid will be ok.

Yes, there are moments you will miss and you will realize that you only have finite time with your kids. However, poverty is worse than daycare. If your wife needs to work - then she should stop feeling guilty.

Yes, Having a Nanny is a great option, but there is the danger of her being abusive and negligent. So, in that way a good daycare is safer. Yet, children fall ill all the time in the daycare unlike kids who are at home.

Best options are a grandma who takes care of the baby with the help of a nanny. Or your wife working from home. I am sure you have thought through all the scenarios and you are doing the very best.

It is hard and there will be a lot of guilt. A mom who stays at home with the kid and nurtures him/her is the best option by far for the kid. However, it may mean a drop in HHI, no safety net, difficulty in finding a job after being a SAHM etc.

Best of luck.

No it's not. Studies have shown time and again there is no difference between children with SAHMs and working moms. Stop spreading lies to feed your low self esteem.

http://thinkprogress.org/economy/2014/06/23/3451313/working-mothers-children/

Straight from the article:

Similarly, a 2010 review of 50 years of research found that children whose mothers worked before they reached age three didn’t have worse academic or behavior problems later in life than those with stay-at-home moms. There were even some positive benefits: toddlers with working moms grew up to have fewer problems with depression or anxiety and got better marks from teachers. Another large review of hundreds of studies found that “you can’t say very much about how a child will turn out simply because that child has an employed mother,” Ellen Galinsky, president and co-founder of the Families and Work Institute and one of the researchers doing the literature review, said.

[Anonymous]

it's really not bad at all once you get the getting up and out the door routine down. And pretty soon your child will love his teachers, and you will feel happy that you are sending him to "school" so early. he will learn so much from his friends and teachers, it will be a delight to you. mother of 2 daughters who went to daycare starting at 4 mos.

[Anonymous]

we were very fortunate with daycares -- with both children starting at 4-5 mos. The caregivers were not only warm and constantly cooing and cuddling the babies, they were singing, playing games with them, stimulating them with colorful toys and books and props, letting them explore, feel different sensations, taking them for walks in the fresh air and explaining things to them... I quickly realized that compared to these professional caregivers, I suck. i would not be doing as many stimulating things with my child. I'd be bored in 10 minutes. There is also great accountability in daycares when there are more than one caregiver assigned to a room. If you want to spy on your nanny, I hope you feel good about that. Relative morality and all. But honestly if I were a nanny watching a child all day, there's no way id be able to keep up the playful banter and fun all day long with no breaks ,tv or cell phone calls.