Baby is heading to daycare- how can I help my wife cope?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know this is not what you want to hear but here is my story.

When I was pregnant I got on waitlist of every single daycare within a 5 mile radius of my house. I knew what to do and made a plan.

When I had a baby, I learned what babies need, which is a lot of time and attention. They are new to the world and they need a person they can call on for every need every hour of the day.

Tons of studies say daycare is as good as nanny. Yes, that is true. But newborn up to about 1.5 years old is different. Many daycares don't take kids until 1.5 years old for this reason. After 1.5 years old, they benefit from being around other kids.

After I had my kid, I actually toured the daycares again and the places that I thought were fine were actually not fine. I could not leave my kid there. The state mandated ratio only allows caregivers to do triage-- change that diaper, change this diaper, feed that kid, feed this kid, move this kid from this bouncer to that because he/she is bored. They do not have time to hold your kid and enjoy every smile and give it love.

So I changed my mind and hired nanny. It was more expensive but it was worth it knowing in that precious year my kid has what he needed. He was not left somewhere where just the physical needs were being met, not emotional.

You sound like a caring dad. Seriously think about nanny if you can. If you cannot afford it, you can probably hire an old grandma with bad English at a low rate and set up a camera feed you can monitor from home. The baby will be at home, in the same environment. Love is the same, in any language. The baby needs to be held and loved.

When your baby is walking, you can send them to daycare. It'll be great.

Shut up. Seriously. My kids are no longer in the infant room, but ours has 4 caregivers for 6 babies. When you consider how much babies sleep, that's basically one on one care. They are CONSTANTLY holding and loving on the babies. An old grandma with bad English? You're a strange one.

[Anonymous]

My number one piece of advice is for you to drop off! My DH does it everyday and I am SO GLAD. I say goodbye to my DD at home, which was much easier on my emotions the first two weeks or so. I was surprised how quickly I adjusted back to being at work. It felt HUGE when I was still on leave, but after a few days back, I was in the swing again. Granted, I was TIRED, but it wasn't so awful. I cried all day the day before I went back, and that was helpful because then I didn't cry at all my first day back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know this is not what you want to hear but here is my story.

When I was pregnant I got on waitlist of every single daycare within a 5 mile radius of my house. I knew what to do and made a plan.

When I had a baby, I learned what babies need, which is a lot of time and attention. They are new to the world and they need a person they can call on for every need every hour of the day.

Tons of studies say daycare is as good as nanny. Yes, that is true. But newborn up to about 1.5 years old is different. Many daycares don't take kids until 1.5 years old for this reason. After 1.5 years old, they benefit from being around other kids.

After I had my kid, I actually toured the daycares again and the places that I thought were fine were actually not fine. I could not leave my kid there. The state mandated ratio only allows caregivers to do triage-- change that diaper, change this diaper, feed that kid, feed this kid, move this kid from this bouncer to that because he/she is bored. They do not have time to hold your kid and enjoy every smile and give it love.

So I changed my mind and hired nanny. It was more expensive but it was worth it knowing in that precious year my kid has what he needed. He was not left somewhere where just the physical needs were being met, not emotional.

You sound like a caring dad. Seriously think about nanny if you can. If you cannot afford it, you can probably hire an old grandma with bad English at a low rate and set up a camera feed you can monitor from home. The baby will be at home, in the same environment. Love is the same, in any language. The baby needs to be held and loved.

When your baby is walking, you can send them to daycare. It'll be great.

Shut up. Seriously. My kids are no longer in the infant room, but ours has 4 caregivers for 6 babies. When you consider how much babies sleep, that's basically one on one care. They are CONSTANTLY holding and loving on the babies. An old grandma with bad English? You're a strange one.

New Poster here. I was in the exact same boat. I toured daycares and could not imagine leaving my little baby there. We had a nanny until my son was 2 years old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know this is not what you want to hear but here is my story.

When I was pregnant I got on waitlist of every single daycare within a 5 mile radius of my house. I knew what to do and made a plan.

When I had a baby, I learned what babies need, which is a lot of time and attention. They are new to the world and they need a person they can call on for every need every hour of the day.

Tons of studies say daycare is as good as nanny. Yes, that is true. But newborn up to about 1.5 years old is different. Many daycares don't take kids until 1.5 years old for this reason. After 1.5 years old, they benefit from being around other kids.

After I had my kid, I actually toured the daycares again and the places that I thought were fine were actually not fine. I could not leave my kid there. The state mandated ratio only allows caregivers to do triage-- change that diaper, change this diaper, feed that kid, feed this kid, move this kid from this bouncer to that because he/she is bored. They do not have time to hold your kid and enjoy every smile and give it love.

So I changed my mind and hired nanny. It was more expensive but it was worth it knowing in that precious year my kid has what he needed. He was not left somewhere where just the physical needs were being met, not emotional.

You sound like a caring dad. Seriously think about nanny if you can. If you cannot afford it, you can probably hire an old grandma with bad English at a low rate and set up a camera feed you can monitor from home. The baby will be at home, in the same environment. Love is the same, in any language. The baby needs to be held and loved.

When your baby is walking, you can send them to daycare. It'll be great.

This is complete bullshit and you are a moron.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know this is not what you want to hear but here is my story.

When I was pregnant I got on waitlist of every single daycare within a 5 mile radius of my house. I knew what to do and made a plan.

When I had a baby, I learned what babies need, which is a lot of time and attention. They are new to the world and they need a person they can call on for every need every hour of the day.

Tons of studies say daycare is as good as nanny. Yes, that is true. But newborn up to about 1.5 years old is different. Many daycares don't take kids until 1.5 years old for this reason. After 1.5 years old, they benefit from being around other kids.

After I had my kid, I actually toured the daycares again and the places that I thought were fine were actually not fine. I could not leave my kid there. The state mandated ratio only allows caregivers to do triage-- change that diaper, change this diaper, feed that kid, feed this kid, move this kid from this bouncer to that because he/she is bored. They do not have time to hold your kid and enjoy every smile and give it love.

So I changed my mind and hired nanny. It was more expensive but it was worth it knowing in that precious year my kid has what he needed. He was not left somewhere where just the physical needs were being met, not emotional.

You sound like a caring dad. Seriously think about nanny if you can. If you cannot afford it, you can probably hire an old grandma with bad English at a low rate and set up a camera feed you can monitor from home. The baby will be at home, in the same environment. Love is the same, in any language. The baby needs to be held and loved.

When your baby is walking, you can send them to daycare. It'll be great.

This is complete bullshit and you are a moron.

<3

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know this is not what you want to hear but here is my story.

When I was pregnant I got on waitlist of every single daycare within a 5 mile radius of my house. I knew what to do and made a plan.

When I had a baby, I learned what babies need, which is a lot of time and attention. They are new to the world and they need a person they can call on for every need every hour of the day.

Tons of studies say daycare is as good as nanny. Yes, that is true. But newborn up to about 1.5 years old is different. Many daycares don't take kids until 1.5 years old for this reason. After 1.5 years old, they benefit from being around other kids.

After I had my kid, I actually toured the daycares again and the places that I thought were fine were actually not fine. I could not leave my kid there. The state mandated ratio only allows caregivers to do triage-- change that diaper, change this diaper, feed that kid, feed this kid, move this kid from this bouncer to that because he/she is bored. They do not have time to hold your kid and enjoy every smile and give it love.

So I changed my mind and hired nanny. It was more expensive but it was worth it knowing in that precious year my kid has what he needed. He was not left somewhere where just the physical needs were being met, not emotional.

You sound like a caring dad. Seriously think about nanny if you can. If you cannot afford it, you can probably hire an old grandma with bad English at a low rate and set up a camera feed you can monitor from home. The baby will be at home, in the same environment. Love is the same, in any language. The baby needs to be held and loved.

When your baby is walking, you can send them to daycare. It'll be great.

Shut up. Seriously. My kids are no longer in the infant room, but ours has 4 caregivers for 6 babies. When you consider how much babies sleep, that's basically one on one care. They are CONSTANTLY holding and loving on the babies. An old grandma with bad English? You're a strange one.

New Poster here. I was in the exact same boat. I toured daycares and could not imagine leaving my little baby there. We had a nanny until my son was 2 years old.

Cool story bro. I'd never choose a nanny over daycare. You do you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know this is not what you want to hear but here is my story.

When I was pregnant I got on waitlist of every single daycare within a 5 mile radius of my house. I knew what to do and made a plan.

When I had a baby, I learned what babies need, which is a lot of time and attention. They are new to the world and they need a person they can call on for every need every hour of the day.

Tons of studies say daycare is as good as nanny. Yes, that is true. But newborn up to about 1.5 years old is different. Many daycares don't take kids until 1.5 years old for this reason. After 1.5 years old, they benefit from being around other kids.

After I had my kid, I actually toured the daycares again and the places that I thought were fine were actually not fine. I could not leave my kid there. The state mandated ratio only allows caregivers to do triage-- change that diaper, change this diaper, feed that kid, feed this kid, move this kid from this bouncer to that because he/she is bored. They do not have time to hold your kid and enjoy every smile and give it love.

So I changed my mind and hired nanny. It was more expensive but it was worth it knowing in that precious year my kid has what he needed. He was not left somewhere where just the physical needs were being met, not emotional.

You sound like a caring dad. Seriously think about nanny if you can. If you cannot afford it, you can probably hire an old grandma with bad English at a low rate and set up a camera feed you can monitor from home. The baby will be at home, in the same environment. Love is the same, in any language. The baby needs to be held and loved.

When your baby is walking, you can send them to daycare. It'll be great.

Shut up. Seriously. My kids are no longer in the infant room, but ours has 4 caregivers for 6 babies. When you consider how much babies sleep, that's basically one on one care. They are CONSTANTLY holding and loving on the babies. An old grandma with bad English? You're a strange one.

4:6 sounds amazing. But unfortunately the standard in DC is 1:3. I could not stomach that for my infant either, although the babies in my kid's daycare seem happy enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know this is not what you want to hear but here is my story.


Cool story bro. I'd never choose a nanny over daycare. You do you.

Why not? It's better for an infant if you can afford it.

[Anonymous]

To be honest, OP, the transition will probably depend on how your child adjusts to the change. I was very anxious about sending DD to daycare at age 6 months, and I delayed my return to the office by a week because I was dragging my feet about daycare. But when I dropped DD off for the first time, she happily went to the caregiver, who, as it turns out, became smitten with DD. DD was content when we picked her up. It would have been MUCH harder if DD had been crying. After a few days of smiles, and realizing that DD was no worse for the wear, I no longer stressed about it.

I think new parents, and those who lack experience with daycare, tend to build a mental image that dropping the child off at daycare is a horrible thing and not as 'good' for the child as alternate arrangements. Yet every daycare parent I know (most of whom could have afforded at least a nanny-share had we chosen to do so) is happy with the care their children receive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know this is not what you want to hear but here is my story.

When I was pregnant I got on waitlist of every single daycare within a 5 mile radius of my house. I knew what to do and made a plan.

When I had a baby, I learned what babies need, which is a lot of time and attention. They are new to the world and they need a person they can call on for every need every hour of the day.

Tons of studies say daycare is as good as nanny. Yes, that is true. But newborn up to about 1.5 years old is different. Many daycares don't take kids until 1.5 years old for this reason. After 1.5 years old, they benefit from being around other kids.

After I had my kid, I actually toured the daycares again and the places that I thought were fine were actually not fine. I could not leave my kid there. The state mandated ratio only allows caregivers to do triage-- change that diaper, change this diaper, feed that kid, feed this kid, move this kid from this bouncer to that because he/she is bored. They do not have time to hold your kid and enjoy every smile and give it love.

So I changed my mind and hired nanny. It was more expensive but it was worth it knowing in that precious year my kid has what he needed. He was not left somewhere where just the physical needs were being met, not emotional.

You sound like a caring dad. Seriously think about nanny if you can. If you cannot afford it, you can probably hire an old grandma with bad English at a low rate and set up a camera feed you can monitor from home. The baby will be at home, in the same environment. Love is the same, in any language. The baby needs to be held and loved.

When your baby is walking, you can send them to daycare. It'll be great.

Shut up. Seriously. My kids are no longer in the infant room, but ours has 4 caregivers for 6 babies. When you consider how much babies sleep, that's basically one on one care. They are CONSTANTLY holding and loving on the babies. An old grandma with bad English? You're a strange one.

I know you feel bad about your choices but 4:6 is not the legally mandated ratio and probably a lie. Maybe they had that one day when you stopped by but the next day, all the babies showed up and it would be 12 babies for 4 caregivers.

Like it or not 1:3 ratio is not enough. It's hard enough to take care of one and people go on and on about how hard it is to take care of twins. Imagine 3. There will be coworkers who keep you sane and prevent you from doing harm, but watching 3 little infants is next to impossible. Like Pp said, only physical needs are being met.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
If you cannot afford it, you can probably hire an old grandma with bad English at a low rate and set up a camera feed you can monitor from home. The baby will be at home, in the same environment.

Don't do this.

-legal nanny employer

There are plenty of old grandmas with bad English who are legal too.

[Anonymous]

Here's some math about the 1:3 ratio.

The nice thing in the infant room daycare is that there are others so you can take a break frequently. But that also means you have to watch more than the 3 babies at a time. There are also random things like cleaning cabinets, cleaning up /washing toys, filling out logs, communicating with mothers so let's assume a worker watches 4 babies at a time.

Now, how much time does 4 babies take up? Changing a diaper takes 2 minutes. x4 babies is 8 minutes out of 60. Now you have 52 minutes left.

Feeding a baby takes 7 minutes (14 minutes every 2 hours ). 7x4=28. Now you have 24 minutes left.

Divide 24 between 4 babies. Each baby gets held and played with 6 minutes an hour. Over the course of a 9 hour day, that is roughly about 1 hour of holding, plus holding during feeding time.

Do you feel that your baby needs more holding than that (about 1 hr) over 9 hours? Like all day long, if possible, which is what my baby liked?

Then they must cry and be louder than the next baby to get the attention.

I feel that infant daycare is inadequate in this country.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's some math about the 1:3 ratio.

The nice thing in the infant room daycare is that there are others so you can take a break frequently. But that also means you have to watch more than the 3 babies at a time. There are also random things like cleaning cabinets, cleaning up /washing toys, filling out logs, communicating with mothers so let's assume a worker watches 4 babies at a time.

Now, how much time does 4 babies take up? Changing a diaper takes 2 minutes. x4 babies is 8 minutes out of 60. Now you have 52 minutes left.

Feeding a baby takes 7 minutes (14 minutes every 2 hours ). 7x4=28. Now you have 24 minutes left.

Divide 24 between 4 babies. Each baby gets held and played with 6 minutes an hour. Over the course of a 9 hour day, that is roughly about 1 hour of holding, plus holding during feeding time.

Do you feel that your baby needs more holding than that (about 1 hr) over 9 hours? Like all day long, if possible, which is what my baby liked?

Then they must cry and be louder than the next baby to get the attention.

I feel that infant daycare is inadequate in this country.

You make a lot of assumptions that really do not match up with my experience at a daycare with a 3/1 ratio. First, there were 'floater' assistants who did diaper changes, helped with crying babies, and pitched in as needed which freed up time that the main workers could spend with the infants. Second, things like tummy-time and stories were done in groups, so the infants had attention although they were not being held. Third, the infants slept at different times, creating more of a 2/1 ratio while one or more kids were napping. The head teacher handled the administrative stuff that you are assuming takes away the hands-on time for the caregivers. Was my DD held all the time? No, of course not. But I didn't hold her all day while I was on maternity leave either, although I did hold her a lot. I also noticed that some caregivers had favorites, who probably got held more; as it turned out my DD was the favorite of her initial caregiver (the others teased her for never wanting to let anyone else help with DD's diapers or hold her), but I couldn't have anticipated that. DD was happy, developed on track, and very attached to me and my DH. Daycare is not the Darwinian factory that you imagine.

[Anonymous]

Would you be able to do drop off? That was really hard for me personally. It also gets easier as they get older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
If you cannot afford it, you can probably hire an old grandma with bad English at a low rate and set up a camera feed you can monitor from home. The baby will be at home, in the same environment.

Don't do this.

-legal nanny employer

Yeah, for so, SO many reasons, don't do this. There is so much guilt involved in parenting, and so many moms in particular are very invested in convincing themselves that what they did for their child was the "right" thing to do. Instead of listening to the first PP, who obviously has done it only one way and thus thinks there is only one good way (even at the expense of a properly paid legal caretaker!), please take the advice of a BTDT mom who has, over the course of raising 3 kids, used large corporate daycare, small in-home daycare, a nanny share, a live-out nanny for just our family, and now we have an au pair. I can PROMISE you that every single one of those environments can be wonderful for your child, and every single one of them can be terrible. It completely depends on the situation. You will know if you have picked a good place, even if dropping the baby off is hard.

FWIW, the very best childcare situation we had was our first nanny, who was with us for a year until she got married and moved to a new city. We still keep in touch with her. Unfortunately, the very WORST childcare situation we had was our second nanny. When there's just one adult and your kids aren't old enough to tell you what's going on, accountability can be a challenge, and a webcam isn't useful unless you expect your child to spend all day in one spot and you have all day to sit and watch the camera.