Baby is heading to daycare- how can I help my wife cope?

[Anonymous]

Both of you go to the first drop off then take her out to breakfast. Even it's just a quick one or coffee. She'll need the distraction and a chance to deal with her emotions before going back to work. Then let her cry or feel however she wants. My husband did this for me and it helped a lot. It was much harder then I thought it would be.

Take one day at a time and be flexible with your plans. When my first started around 16 months old it was VERY HARD for me. My husband ended up doing drop off because it was awful when I did it. She cried way more. She now loves "school" and cannot wait to go!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is she going back to work?

The first week I went back to work, DH stayed home with DS. I worked about 5-6 hours each day instead of 8.

That way I knew I could be away from him and figured out how to pump at work, and just be a new working mom, while he was still with daddy. When we dropped him off at daycare the first day (we both went), he smiled and was happy, so i knew he'd be ok.

Agree with what PP said. I would nurse DS to sleep and while I did that, DH would wash pump parts and dry them and I then filled them with milk afterwards.

Just be super supportive, which it sounds like you might be already, since you are inquiring about her health.

Also, whoever drops off at daycare sends a picture so we both see the little guy each day and know that he got to daycare ok (also we don't drive but it kind of helps with the whole, leaving the baby in the car by accident thing). We've been doing that for 2 yrs already

We did something similar to this. I went to work for two weeks for 4 hours each day. Figured out how to pump and was able to become comfortable with the transition. We both dropped our son off the first day. I cried. My husband was there to tell me it will be ok. Our baby is five months now, and he comes home so so happy. Which is so reassuring. The first time my baby smiled at me was when I went to pick him up. It was the best feeling in the world.

[Anonymous]

Second the advice to have a transitional week or short week... gradually ease into daycare if you can. Good for baby and parents.

[Anonymous]

Have a plan in place for the first sick days and doctor visits. Be willing and ready to take days off to cover. DC was rarely sick in daycare but got sick the first week. That coupled with the pediatrician soon after rescheduling a well-baby visit meant many days off my employer was not thrilled about so soon after returning from leave. It really set a negative tone. I wish DH could have picked up that slack.

[Anonymous]

My kid who is now 13 was in daycare from infancy to first grade. Doesn't remember any of it. It is SO much harder on the parents.

[Anonymous]

I know this is not what you want to hear but here is my story.

When I was pregnant I got on waitlist of every single daycare within a 5 mile radius of my house. I knew what to do and made a plan.

When I had a baby, I learned what babies need, which is a lot of time and attention. They are new to the world and they need a person they can call on for every need every hour of the day.

Tons of studies say daycare is as good as nanny. Yes, that is true. But newborn up to about 1.5 years old is different. Many daycares don't take kids until 1.5 years old for this reason. After 1.5 years old, they benefit from being around other kids.

After I had my kid, I actually toured the daycares again and the places that I thought were fine were actually not fine. I could not leave my kid there. The state mandated ratio only allows caregivers to do triage-- change that diaper, change this diaper, feed that kid, feed this kid, move this kid from this bouncer to that because he/she is bored. They do not have time to hold your kid and enjoy every smile and give it love.

So I changed my mind and hired nanny. It was more expensive but it was worth it knowing in that precious year my kid has what he needed. He was not left somewhere where just the physical needs were being met, not emotional.

You sound like a caring dad. Seriously think about nanny if you can. If you cannot afford it, you can probably hire an old grandma with bad English at a low rate and set up a camera feed you can monitor from home. The baby will be at home, in the same environment. Love is the same, in any language. The baby needs to be held and loved.

When your baby is walking, you can send them to daycare. It'll be great.

[Anonymous]

Be sure you are doing your share of the work. Since I had to pump at work, DH always got the bottles (and all dishes in fact) in the dishwasher and DS's bottles ready for the next day.

Share the burden of drop off and pick up and making sure all the necessary stuff gets to daycare.

Share the burden of sick days. Your first one will probably happen on the first two weeks or so. If DW takes more of the sick days, figure out something else for you to do--CVS or grocery run, or getting home an hour early so your wife can get a break from the baby to do those errands.

Protect your wife's sleep as much as you can. Everything is better with sleep. If she is doing night feedings, get her to bed early or let her sleep in on weekends.

Also, for both of you, realize that adjusting to working parent life is a big learning curve. It will get better week by week over time. Check in with each other regularly. Figure out what works for the two of you--and you will each find your way emotionally.

Good for you for thinking of this question!

[Anonymous]

It is so hard, OP. I was dreading going back to work and would have quit in a nanosecond if I could have, but I can honestly say now that I am happy to have my career.

My husband and my mother took care of my baby for the first couple of weeks back, and I went back part-time for the first month. If these are not possibilities, I think any combination of shortening your work day, your wife's work day, or your baby's day will help. Can you take one day a week off for a month? Can your wife? Or leave early? Do you have any local family? Can you shift hours so that baby is in day care for a shorter length of time? Just temporarily.

It's so hard. Lots of cuddles and quality time in evenings and weekends. Remind your wife that by working, she is providing for her baby financially as well as providing an independent female figure for that baby.

[Anonymous]

Three things I learned doing this a month ago:

1) Try this for at least three weeks. It takes at least that long to get into a routine and decide if you're okay with the routine. And give yourself loads of flexibility on work hours, pick up/drop off.
2) YOU should be in charge of bottles, especially if your wife is planning to pump at work. My husband completely took over every aspect of our son's food (prepping for the next day, talking with daycare about how much is needed, cleaning, freezing, etc.). Own it and it will be a HUGE stress release for your wife.
3) Do dry runs. Even though this means "fewer maternity leave days" it helps immensely. Drop baby off day 1 for 3-4 hours while you/she go to the store, pick up the house. Day 2, 5-6 hours. Prove that you can do it and everyone will be okay.

And remember, it's not natural to leave your child with strangers, no matter how much you trust them. It will get easier, but it will NEVER be easy. But continue to remind yourself and her why you're doing it, the long-term benefits, etc. (Maybe have her read Lean In--it actually has a ton of information about sharing child care 50/50 and the benefits to being a working mom.)

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

How about take 2 months of paternity leave to ease the transition? No? Why not?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are getting ready to send our infant to daycare next month. How can I help my wife cope with the transition?

Split drop off and pick up. If you do drop off and she does pick up- arrange to do pick up once a week- so she doesn't have leave work on time everyday if something crops up- or so she can take an extra hour or two catching up on things (work or personal errands).

Assess what each person is doing at home and make sure it is split evenly. Doing laundry or the grocery shopping and cooking are great things for the DH to do.

Do a daily pick up and organization of things around the house. 20 minutes each day- can be in the morning or afternoon- bambino can help in a year or two. Wear baby as you do it if need be.

If you do drop off and leave house after DW, set the table for dinner before you leave. Start a laundry load before you leave. Whomever gets home first, puts it in the dryer, then you fold it before bed. One load a day and you will keep up (at least until rotovirus hits).

Hire an every other week (or weekly) cleaning person.

Be the person daycare calls first to pick up in case of sickness- be the first line of defense.

Take turns on sick days, even if it loses points at your office.

Go to the well baby appointments- or split them. Later on, one parent takes the dentist and the other takes the annual physical.

Establish a weekly date night early- even if it moves to every other week or monthly- don't stop.

Bring home flowers from time to time- just because.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
If you cannot afford it, you can probably hire an old grandma with bad English at a low rate and set up a camera feed you can monitor from home. The baby will be at home, in the same environment.

Don't do this.

-legal nanny employer

[Anonymous]

We were able to start by putting DD in her facility for a few hours the first week, then went to full-time the second week. DH also did dropoff the first two weeks and I did pickup. That alone I think helped me a ton. I also wanted to be the person daycare called if DD was sick. I work closer to the center and am the default parent in general.

[Anonymous]

Is it a decision she is comfortable with, and you're just asking about the dynamics of the transition? Or does she really not want to go back to work? If #1, I love the other suggestions. Don't minimize her feelings...this is the first of many milestones that are going to be emotional, even though she is making the right decision for her family! If #2, consider options for her to work part time or stay home, if at all possible.

[Anonymous]

- Take a transition week. Either the baby goes to daycare 1 week early or you stay home Mom's first week back. She needs to be able to concentrate on work and settling back in without worrying about baby.

- Take the sick days and night wakings for a month or two. Mom needs to be able to "prove" herself back at work. As unfair as that is. And she'll need all her resources to do that.

- Split evening chores equally time-wise. If she likes to prep for the next day, that's fine. But make sure you're doing dishes and picking up the house, starting a load of laundry, etc., and not vegging out. Wash the bottle/pump parts.

- Realize that she'll be building back her stamina for the first 1-2 months and will be constantly tired. This is a new normal for the WHOLE family, not just her, so everyone will have to adjust.

Bravo for asking! Thinking about this proactively will go a long way.