People who ignore invitations to get together

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. What is everyone "crazy busy" with? I've seen this mentioned a few times here. I know this applies to many people, but what exactly are you all so crazy busy with that you're booked up weeks in advance? Especially in the summer when school is out? My calendar literally has nothing on it for the rest of the summer. I do think we're in an unusual situation though, and one that lends itself to being one of the few families who is not crazy busy, because we don't have any family here or within driving distance, few friends, and our kids are too young for activities/sports, etc. They're not even in preschool yet.

It's busy-ness as a status symbol. Another I'm better than you put down. It's a "I have too many PTA meetings, kids activities to chaperone, other friends to see" response.

... or they just use it as an excuse.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I do keep reaching out to new moms that I meet, but I'm starting to feel like I shouldn't bother anymore and just be content with my aloneness. In the last few months I've reached out to 5 new moms, several of whom just moved to the area (like a month ago) and I figured they would be interested in meeting new people and getting together, but no.

And if someone ignores or declines my invitation once or twice then I move on and don't invite them again. I'm not the person who can't take the hint that someone isn't interested. I think I am very good at reading and interpreting social cues. But I do feel upset that I get repeatedly ignored or my invitations are repeatedly declined, since I feel like I'm a perfectly nice person who would make a good friend, but no one seems to want to give me a chance. I think it's because I'm frumpy. Not overweight (I'm normal weight for my height), but frumpy in terms of hair, clothes, makeup. I don't really have time to focus on my appearance right now. Maybe people can't see beyond that.

My social calendar is pretty much always empty, we don't have family around to fill the void in our social lives, so we do everything alone as a family, which is okay, but it would be wonderful to have more friends to socialize with and get together with, and I feel very discouraged that my efforts to meet people and reach out are met with so much rejection.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I do keep reaching out to new moms that I meet, but I'm starting to feel like I shouldn't bother anymore and just be content with my aloneness. In the last few months I've reached out to 5 new moms, several of whom just moved to the area (like a month ago) and I figured they would be interested in meeting new people and getting together, but no.

And if someone ignores or declines my invitation once or twice then I move on and don't invite them again. I'm not the person who can't take the hint that someone isn't interested. I think I am very good at reading and interpreting social cues. But I do feel upset that I get repeatedly ignored or my invitations are repeatedly declined, since I feel like I'm a perfectly nice person who would make a good friend, but no one seems to want to give me a chance. I think it's because I'm frumpy. Not overweight (I'm normal weight for my height), but frumpy in terms of hair, clothes, makeup. I don't really have time to focus on my appearance right now. Maybe people can't see beyond that.

My social calendar is pretty much always empty, we don't have family around to fill the void in our social lives, so we do everything alone as a family, which is okay, but it would be wonderful to have more friends to socialize with and get together with, and I feel very discouraged that my efforts to meet people and reach out are met with so much rejection.

Are you trying to befriend similarly frumpy women?
I find that in this area that like often attracts like in terms of friendships.
If you're frumpy, the glamorous, queen bee moms are just not going to give you the time of day.
It's ridiculous but it happens every day in the greater DC preschool circuit.
I swear that many moms act like frumpiness or 10 extra pounds are somehow communicable diseases.
Sadly, you have to know your social "place" around here if you want to makes friends.

[Anonymous]

OP - do you go to church? I've met a great family friend through church. We get together often. Our kids don't go to the same school but we live close by so we can see get together easily.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm sorry. I've experienced a lot of the same. It has gotten a bit better as the kids have gotten older - I've been able to create "my village" - moms who I know will pitch in if/when I have an emergency. I do the same for them.
Volunteering at the school has helped with that. I consider these women my friends - they will confide in me during the occasional phone call or while we are waiting for an activity to finish. What we don't do is get together for coffee or lunch or anything social. It hurts, but they truly are crazy busy.

I've found that the super busy moms are also the ones who are friendly and involved in so many things that I run into them enough to become friends/good acquaintances. They are also ones who appreciate it when I can lend a hand. So for the same reason I'm able to connect with them, they aren't available for more.

I wish you luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One thought-are you personalizing the invite or just throwing it out as though you're inviting everyone? Sometimes people don't rsvp when they don't think an invite is for them per se or they won't be missed. Another idea is to always make sure you mention who else you're inviting (not by name per se but as in 'we are having three couples over') so that they don't feel alone but feel special. It is easier to ignore a play date or a brunch if the impression is given that this will happen regardless of their attendance. And lastly, check dates and make them feel special--"we would really like you to be here so can we work out a good time for you"--these are all ideas but none that negate how rude it is to not reply.

This is kind of the only reason someone might have for not responding at all--if the invitation reads like "we're doing X, if anyone wants to join us," people might not feel like you need a response because you're going to do it anyway.

Otherwise, there's no excuse for not responding one way or the other--"I'm sorry, that won't work for us, but I hope you have fun at the park," is perfectly polite. Not responding at all is rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've been able to create "my village" - moms who I know will pitch in if/when I have an emergency. I do the same for them.
Volunteering at the school has helped with that. I consider these women my friends - they will confide in me during the occasional phone call or while we are waiting for an activity to finish. What we don't do is get together for coffee or lunch or anything social. It hurts, but they truly are crazy busy.

How do you consider these women your friends if you don't get together for anything social? I don't really understand that. To me a friend is someone you get together with outside of the moms group/event or whatever. Have you invited them to get together?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you send me an email/Facebook invite I might honestly miss it. If you send me a paper invitation or call me, you'll get a response for sure.

A paper invitation?? For a play date or dinner? Wow.

[Anonymous]

I was referring to (when googling this question-) a situation whereby we belong to a college org. that hosts students , (just for dinners, activities, day-trips, etc ) that we assume are interested in our invitations after having signed up. The students also mentioned repeatedly-wanting to come to our home, & also join me over some music lessons, etc.. I have to coordinate a good time for them to come to our home-(like over their Birthday wkend may be best-can't do the entertaining All the time. ) So far-they are either negligent about a reply, or it's After the Fact. Really gauls me-they Know-there are hundreds of remaining students who still have NO Host family- while they too often stick with their own Cliche anyway most times. Taking us for Granted is what I call it ! THEIR LOSS. This is becoming quite common every semester with new students. Our former students miss us Very Much ! I don't let it bother me though-I have No problem over alternate plans to do what I may also want to do and enjoy -no matter if it's 1, 2, or 3 or more -it often works out Better ! In my case, though-the students had even Requested an invitation to come to my house, or do some activities, then, ignore the invite when I come up with a plan and contact them,. The planning & organizing it can be very time-consuming -so party's still ON-they just may miss OUT! (& knock OFF all the over-accommodating-about Times, Dates, etc., you've got the Home, the Time, & the Means, thats Enough! ) (People hold zero Respect for a Host that is eternally "accommodating" -otherwise viewed as Nagging, and being totally insecure, & really-Uninteresting.

[Anonymous]

Realize that what with our living longer lives now , we really only have our kids and "school yrs" and "motherhood" as our everyday role in life for actually a very brief moment of our lives ! Once having known all that it can stand as the very Pinnacle of our lives, however, we will still be forced into making a new life for ourselves that may having NOTHING to do anymore with the "kids" , or our schools , which can become more of something in a distant past. I wish you can truly ENJOY these yrs, given the chance-& that you can share in that enjoyment w. others, not just moms, but there are a lot of people from all walks of life you & your family can befriend. Such people usually come from other interests in YOUR life -consider joining a Garden Club, taking Classes, taking up bicycling or boating, fishing, cooking, art , or music, etc. etc., that can bring such personal joy to your life ! If you begin -just Yourself, others will join you, in whats most meaningful to all of you ! (Schools are Competitive & kids and parents may respond in kind to that - another way we met other parents and made friends was by hosting a Scout troop after school from our home. Often your school can be a :Launch pad" for you to get involved -take a lead -in what YOU can do and offer thats even just for Fun , join the Carnival Comm. and make up your own Booth -(petting zoo) (face painting) ( cardboard tunnels ), (doesn't have to be pricey. ) Our most Fun activities are our most memorable -& really the most spiritual and meaningful -we all still remember and laugh over -(when we see others again-which is a lot less-the yrs. roll by -carpe diem ! (& if your the Tom -Boy type- BE the best Tom-Boy you can BE!!)

[Anonymous]

Op, stop inviting them.
I am an introvert to the core- but I still respond to an invite.

[Anonymous]

Not the point of your post — being frumpy— but people do make instant/unconscious assumptions or bias. If you are around a lot of put- together moms it just may not click.

I’m not saying right but just reality based on research.

Now ( as an older mom and saying with kindness) no excuse for frumpy by saying no time. If you don’t care then that’s ok! BUT, having kids is truly not an excuse. We’ve all been there.

You can shower, wash hair. Find a go to look. Mine was khakis and fleece with keds or shorts and tee for summer. Mascara, lip gloss, moisturizer.

Put yourself together. 10-15 min a day. Everyone can find that. You are worth it! My mom did not drive, limited budget, and lots of housekeeping and she still had her hair done every Friday!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was referring to (when googling this question-) a situation whereby we belong to a college org. that hosts students , (just for dinners, activities, day-trips, etc ) that we assume are interested in our invitations after having signed up. The students also mentioned repeatedly-wanting to come to our home, & also join me over some music lessons, etc.. I have to coordinate a good time for them to come to our home-(like over their Birthday wkend may be best-can't do the entertaining All the time. ) So far-they are either negligent about a reply, or it's After the Fact. Really gauls me-they Know-there are hundreds of remaining students who still have NO Host family- while they too often stick with their own Cliche anyway most times. Taking us for Granted is what I call it ! THEIR LOSS. This is becoming quite common every semester with new students. Our former students miss us Very Much ! I don't let it bother me though-I have No problem over alternate plans to do what I may also want to do and enjoy -no matter if it's 1, 2, or 3 or more -it often works out Better ! In my case, though-the students had even Requested an invitation to come to my house, or do some activities, then, ignore the invite when I come up with a plan and contact them,. The planning & organizing it can be very time-consuming -so party's still ON-they just may miss OUT! (& knock OFF all the over-accommodating-about Times, Dates, etc., you've got the Home, the Time, & the Means, thats Enough! ) (People hold zero Respect for a Host that is eternally "accommodating" -otherwise viewed as Nagging, and being totally insecure, & really-Uninteresting.

You revived a three year old thread for this? Harrumph. I can’t even understand what you’re getting at. “Galls me”, though. Though Gauls me could mean something interesting. And clique, not cliche.

[Anonymous]

That's funny. I hope OP has been able to move to an area with more friendly people by now!

[Anonymous]

Op it’s rude. I always reply. Sometimes I am late in my reply but I always reply. There’s no excuse for anyone that does not reply.