People who ignore invitations to get together

[Anonymous]

I have a friend like this. She is a friend from high school and three of us lived in the same neighborhood so we have friends since age 14 and now we are approaching 40. Every few months, the three of us will try to meet up for brunch or dinner and she just doesn't respond. When we do meet up, it's always fun but sometimes I feel like I am asking her a favor by requesting for her presence. It's very frustrating. She always apologizes for being flaky and not responding. She's single, so no small kids to distract her. But I love her anyway and have accepted that is who she is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This question is for people who ignore invitations to get together (not kids' birthday parties but adults asking other adults to come over for dinner, etc.). Why do you ignore these invitations, whether by email or by phone? When someone takes the time to invite you to get together to do something, why can't you at least make up an excuse that you're busy instead of completely ignoring it?

This happens to me all the time and it is so annoying. I'm a mom who invites other moms/families to get together a lot. This week I invited 2 different moms to get together, one was for a playdate at my house and the other was for a weekend brunch moms only. Both invitations were ignored completely, and the sad thing was that I expected it, since I've experienced this so many times. It's the rare person who actually responds to an invitation these days, and I find that very sad.

I know how you feel, OP, and I'm not sure it's because people don't like you or whatever one of the PP's said. It likely happens because people simply don't know how to say "no." Most people just don't have time these days unless there is something in it for them or they're life long sorority friends. My best friend often doesn't RSVP (that's her way of saying she can't do something). She's an otherwise intelligent woman, Harvard and VC partner, with three kids and travels a lot. She can't or doesn't want to do most things, but doesn't know how to tell me. I'd rather she say, "I'd love to see you, but I'm so tired and just need to veg with my kids for a night."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Saying you're busy means you have to go through the "well what about next week?" Stuff.

OP here. I didn't think of it this way but perhaps you are right. Maybe that is why they are just ignoring, because they don't want me to suggest another day/time because they don't like me and don't want to get together. It's just depressing.

OP - I don't mean to sound harsh, but this isn't MS/HS. Find something else in your life to give you fulfillment/meaning. Not saying having friends is not important, definitely is. But, you are sounding desperate and maybe a bit clingy? Not everyone wants to make new friends or socialize with people that aren't their close friends. This is not me, btw. I just realize that not everyone wants to be sociable with everyone. Just move on.

Pardon my French, but FU. OP Is making the effort to reach out, not driving slowly by your house late at night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Saying you're busy means you have to go through the "well what about next week?" Stuff.

OP here. I didn't think of it this way but perhaps you are right. Maybe that is why they are just ignoring, because they don't want me to suggest another day/time because they don't like me and don't want to get together. It's just depressing.

OP - I don't mean to sound harsh, but this isn't MS/HS. Find something else in your life to give you fulfillment/meaning. Not saying having friends is not important, definitely is. But, you are sounding desperate and maybe a bit clingy? Not everyone wants to make new friends or socialize with people that aren't their close friends. This is not me, btw. I just realize that not everyone wants to be sociable with everyone. Just move on.

Pardon my French, but FU. OP Is making the effort to reach out, not driving slowly by your house late at night.

OP is reaching out, and people are not responding. She said it's depressing. I'm saying move on.

Again, I'm not these type of people. I do try to accept an invitation, even if it's just once. But, OP is an adult and should know by now that not everyone is going to like you or want to set aside the time to get together with you. It's the harsh realities of life that even my kids are having to learn.

[Anonymous]

When my kid was younger, I often read invites via email or text, then thought I needed to check my schedule before responding, got caught up, forgot, felt guilty, knew the other person would be upset if I did respond so late, so I just didn't. For people who I knew would be understanding, I would respond late.

[Anonymous]

I don't know what people are thinking but it happened to me this past week. First and last time I invite the person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know what people are thinking but it happened to me this past week. First and last time I invite the person.

Exactly! That's what I'm trying to tell the OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This question is for people who ignore invitations to get together (not kids' birthday parties but adults asking other adults to come over for dinner, etc.). Why do you ignore these invitations, whether by email or by phone? When someone takes the time to invite you to get together to do something, why can't you at least make up an excuse that you're busy instead of completely ignoring it?

This happens to me all the time and it is so annoying. I'm a mom who invites other moms/families to get together a lot. This week I invited 2 different moms to get together, one was for a playdate at my house and the other was for a weekend brunch moms only. Both invitations were ignored completely, and the sad thing was that I expected it, since I've experienced this so many times. It's the rare person who actually responds to an invitation these days, and I find that very sad.

I entertain a lot. I find that for a good turnout I need to at least give a 3 weeks advance notice. 50% attendance rate (out of all invited people) is quite good.

[Anonymous]

I've learned to quit inviting. I can enjoy time either alone or with my family.

[Anonymous]

One thought-are you personalizing the invite or just throwing it out as though you're inviting everyone? Sometimes people don't rsvp when they don't think an invite is for them per se or they won't be missed. Another idea is to always make sure you mention who else you're inviting (not by name per se but as in 'we are having three couples over') so that they don't feel alone but feel special. It is easier to ignore a play date or a brunch if the impression is given that this will happen regardless of their attendance. And lastly, check dates and make them feel special--"we would really like you to be here so can we work out a good time for you"--these are all ideas but none that negate how rude it is to not reply.

[Anonymous]

Well, this is terrible,I know, but I hate hate hate checking my personal email. When people email me things, it often never gets read. I'm much better with texts though. So, perhaps it's the mode of communication?

[Anonymous]

DH and I entertain every weekend, all summer. We're not from here originally, we have had to make all our hang-out friends by just reaching out and inviting people, too.

People around here are unusually busy - I agree with PP that less than a couple weeks' notice usually means people might ignore your invite because they are booked up. Heck, if someone emails me (busy mom, youngest is still a baby) I might not even get around to responding for nearly a week. If you invited me this week for this upcoming weekend and I WASN'T busy, I'd probably see your email, think "I should respond," forget for a couple of days to because of tiredness or general craziness from work/kids, then feel guilty because there's only 3 days left until the weekend and think "oh crap, I am probably too late to get back to her," then just not respond. But if you gave me a couple weeks, I would be able to respond without feeling awkward because of the too-short turnaround.

I will say, also, you might find success in reaching out to people generally and saying "we'd love to get together in September, what are some dates that work for you?" and plan that way instead of for a specific date/event. This usually works for us when other families are crazy busy but we really want to make time to get together.

[Anonymous]

It is rude and I admit I how been guilty of this. I don't intend to ignore the invite but perhaps I'm not sure if I can attend or the kids can attend when the invite arrives and then I forget about it. Most of the time it's not intentional or personal and I do try to make it up to the other person if I feel that I have been rude.

[Anonymous]

It does not matter if you are busy, have young kids, or as everyone in DC thinks "a very important job." It is completely unacceptable to continuously ignore invites. I can't imagine that people think it is okay. Even when I was working 80 hours a week and had a newborn, I would still respond to requests to get together with a short email saying that I was crazed at work but would love to get together when things calmed down. I feel fortunate that the people in my social circle are not like this at all.

[Anonymous]

OP here. What is everyone "crazy busy" with? I've seen this mentioned a few times here. I know this applies to many people, but what exactly are you all so crazy busy with that you're booked up weeks in advance? Especially in the summer when school is out? My calendar literally has nothing on it for the rest of the summer. I do think we're in an unusual situation though, and one that lends itself to being one of the few families who is not crazy busy, because we don't have any family here or within driving distance, few friends, and our kids are too young for activities/sports, etc. They're not even in preschool yet.